I think I finally understand "gender dysphoria"

[Belle]

Since I am still new to all of this I have been struggling to understand the boundaries of the term gender dysphoria. For instance, when we are scared to go out in public due to safety concerns, is that gender dysphoria or something else?

 

Today my wife told me she knows the dysphoria is real but she does not want me to act on it in any way, not even wearing underwear no one would notice, and not even crossing my legs a little differently when I sit. The intense sadness I felt when she said that came from the fact that I knew it meant I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I have to deny who I am inside. It is so yuck to have to refrain from integrity.

 

Anyways, I think that's textbook gender dysphoria. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

❤️ Belle

[Astrid]

Gender dysphoria, as defined by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker in  "How to Understand Your Gender", pp. 178-179:

 

...you may have experienced moments of feeling a complete lack of fit between your body and yourself, almost as if you and your body, or parts of it, are complete strangers to each other. These moments might also be lasting, or come and go in different situations... They can be moments of gender dissonance, sometimes also called 'dysphoria' by health professionals. Our bodies are not how they were meant to be; there is a disconnect. Some of you might also have experienced not perceiving yourself as others do. For example, .... you might feel revolted by parts of your body. ...they might be connectioned with dysphoria around our gender identities, that is, feeling that parts of us do not fit with who we are gender-wise.

 

1 hour ago, Belle said:

Today my wife told me she knows the dysphoria is real but she does not want me to act on it in any way, not even wearing underwear no one would notice, and not even crossing my legs a little differently when I sit.

 

That sounds so controlling in a negative way.  There is no compromise on her part to be of help to you when you're in need.

Not a happy place.

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

[Jackie C.]

Nah, being afraid to go out in public is anxiety. That goes away when you do it a couple of times and you realize that the world doesn't end. It's perfectly normal to be nervous at first though. A friend of mine compared us to vampires when we're first coming out: It's only at night and we shy away from bright lights. Of course I don't live in Texas.

 

The dysphoria is the feeling that your body is wrong somehow. Where your skin doesn't quite fit right because you know, in your heart of hearts, it should be something else. The gender tag means that the feeling is attached to your gender.

 

If you want more of a textbook definition, we can do that too:

 

Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity. It's sometimes known as gender incongruence. Biological sex is assigned at birth, depending on the appearance of the genitals.

 

I tend to embellish. I like my writing to feel more visceral.

 

I can also say that your wife knows not of what she speaks. That's typical, cis people don't feel gender dysphoria. They often have a hard time wrapping their head around it. I advocate doing what you need to do. I tried to suppress my dysphoria for years and it resulted in the sort of depression where you're one good opportunity away from ending your own life. You probably don't want that. Hopefully, neither does she. She'd probably benefit from talking to a gender therapist who could set her straight. She obviously doesn't get it.

[Belle]

I don't hate my body parts. But there has never been a point in my life where I would not have instantly said yes if God had come down and told me He would make me female if I wanted it. If given the choice there's no question.

 

As I have processed my gender identity over the last month or so I have started recalling a lot of feelings and behaviors I had suppressed that are very clearly feminine. I remember doing so because I was afraid of being seen as feminine. I never had the concept that it was possible to not be male because I had boy parts. But I would pray so fervently to God to make me female, knowing in my mind it was impossible and ridiculous of me to ask.

 

But I'm not "in touch" with specific feelings that tell me I'm not "in the right skin." I do know that while I was using herbal methods my chest started to grow, my body odor became distinctly feminine, and I had an abundance of peace, and even joy. And when faced with the idea that I might not be able to resume, or even express myself at all, I get seriously depressed.

 

Any thoughts? Is this not GD?

[ShawnaLeigh]

58 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

I can also say that your wife knows not of what she speaks. That's typical, cis people don't feel gender dysphoria. They often have a hard time wrapping their head around it. I advocate doing what you need to do. I tried to suppress my dysphoria for years and it resulted in the sort of depression where you're one good opportunity away from ending your own life. You probably don't want that. Hopefully, neither does she. She'd probably benefit from talking to a gender therapist who could set her straight. She obviously doesn't get it.

This I agree with.  My heart breaks for you on this point.  She understands but still says you can’t do this or that? Ummm.  Not really her choice.  Then I see you bending over backwards to accommodate this behavior.  Not fair to you at minimum.  Just out n out wrong on her part. 
Sweetie, I did this for decades and I had a pretty bad mental breakdown. One that scared me so much.  I felt death was better.  I felt I had no choice.  Regardless of who said what.  I had to do this transition.  Please don’t let it go that far for you.  
But thats what happened to me.
You have the power to decide for yourself.  I understand it’s your wife and possibly your marriage at stake.  Would your life be valued any less then those?  No.  They are all equal.  Or should be.  Why do you have to suffer for others?

Im sorry hon.  It just makes me angry to see you suffer.  ❤️❤️❤️

[VickySGV]

The actual term Dysphoria  is two words together that mean "Terrible Burden" and your wife is making it such by being unaccepting and punishing you for it.  I agree that the anxiety about going out is a terrible experience, but the burden is when you cannot function in ways that seem right and fitted for you.  It may not be wearing lacy undies that will lift the burden for you.  Being able to hold and softly comfort a person who hurts is closer to what will help it.  Busting a TV and not watching a grueling boxing match may help it.  Writing about the deep feelings you have that are dismissed as being "unmanly" and putting the diary under lock and key may lift a part of it as well.  It is the locking away of your heart that is the greatest and most terrible burden there is. 

OK little different view, but there you go.  A meme that an IRL friend put on her web site, says "I can teach you what Gender Dysphoria IS, but I can't teach you how to understand it.

 

[ToniTone]

4 hours ago, Belle said:

I don't hate my body parts. But there has never been a point in my life where I would not have instantly said yes if God had come down and told me He would make me female if I wanted it. If given the choice there's no question.

...

But I'm not "in touch" with specific feelings that tell me I'm not "in the right skin."...

Before these get glazed over, I'd just remind you that you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans. You may not be repulsed by your body, but still strongly feel and know your identity as a woman. 

 

But it certainly sounds like there could be some dysphoria there. Being repressed from expressing yourself and in a way that's comfortable to you. Being miserable having to maintain the facade. 

 

Everyone has gave good input. Don't let yourself be repressed, it could subdue you to a dark place of sorrow. I hope your wife will open up and try to accept and and understand you, maybe get some insight from a gender therapist. 

 

~Toni

[Belle]

1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

Before these get glazed over, I'd just remind you that you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans. You may not be repulsed by your body, but still strongly feel and know your identity as a woman. 

 

But it certainly sounds like there could be some dysphoria there. Being repressed from expressing yourself and in a way that's comfortable to you. Being miserable having to maintain the facade. 

 

Everyone has gave good input. Don't let yourself be repressed, it could subdue you to a dark place of sorrow. I hope your wife will open up and try to accept and and understand you, maybe get some insight from a gender therapist. 

 

~Toni

Thank you Toni! I think that post was lost in between others. This issue is bothering me a lot. I'm pretty sure I buried my gender incongruence deep for many years, and I recently got in touch with it. Now I'm dealing with dysphoria from it. While I have very happy feelings associated with my lower parts, I would gladly trade them and all the good feelings for women's. When I think about it I feel relief and peace, not stimulation.

 

Monday I have my second therapy appointment. Hopefully we get somewhere. Even just an inch forward is better than nothing.

[Sally Stone]

9 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Before these get glazed over, I'd just remind you that you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans. You may not be repulsed by your body, but still strongly feel and know your identity as a woman. 

 

~Toni

Toni, you are so very right on this point.  To be trans, you don't have to hate your body, because being trans is more about your feelings and your true, underlying personality.  

 

Belle, I think Jackie is right when she says you are experiencing anxiety.  You know you are trans, yet there are situations and people in your life preventing you from being who you really want to be.  This is extremely difficult, especially with a spouse.  Try to understand that she fell in love with and married a man, so coming to grips with the fact that her husband may not be the person she fell in love with can be difficult in the extreme.  Still, you need to be yourself, which means you'll probably have to determine if the journey you are taking is a journey your wife is capable of accompanying you on.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally 

[Belle]

2 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Toni, you are so very right on this point.  To be trans, you don't have to hate your body, because being trans is more about your feelings and your true, underlying personality.

 

Belle, I think Jackie is right when she says you are experiencing anxiety.  You know you are trans, yet there are situations and people in your life preventing you from being who you really want to be. 

It helps to be affirmed. This feels so crazy. I do know what's inside, but so so much has been suppressed from social pressures. I have to re-learn who I am, because I don't really know. 

 

2 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

This is extremely difficult, especially with a spouse.  Try to understand that she fell in love with and married a man, so coming to grips with the fact that her husband may not be the person she fell in love with can be difficult in the extreme.  Still, you need to be yourself, which means you'll probably have to determine if the journey you are taking is a journey your wife is capable of accompanying you on.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally 

Yes. I know she loves me and is committed to me. She doesn't understand this, and I hate putting her through it. I think she will eventually. 

 

Thank you Sally ❤️

Belle

[Belle]

 

On 12/13/2019 at 5:46 PM, VickySGV said:

It may not be wearing lacy undies that will lift the burden for you.  Being able to hold and softly comfort a person who hurts is closer to what will help it.

Vicky, this is so beautiful and enlightening. I meant to say this yesterday, but I forgot and it keeps coming back to me. Thank you!

 

Belle ❤️

 

[MetaLicious]

On 12/13/2019 at 5:25 PM, Belle said:

I don't hate my body parts. But there has never been a point in my life where I would not have instantly said yes if God had come down and told me He would make me female if I wanted it. If given the choice there's no question.

This really resonates with me.  It wasn't until my early 20s that I learned that I wasn't alone, but my ambivalence regarding my body made it easy to suppress my true self - until I found I no longer could.  Even without hating my body, dysphoria was eroding my self-esteem.

 

On 12/13/2019 at 9:47 PM, ToniTone said:

Before these get glazed over, I'd just remind you that you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans. You may not be repulsed by your body, but still strongly feel and know your identity as a woman. 

 

On 12/14/2019 at 6:21 AM, Sally Stone said:

Toni, you are so very right on this point.  To be trans, you don't have to hate your body, because being trans is more about your feelings and your true, underlying personality.

Where were you gals 30 years ago? I could have used that advice!