Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I think I finally understand "gender dysphoria"


Belle

Recommended Posts

Since I am still new to all of this I have been struggling to understand the boundaries of the term gender dysphoria. For instance, when we are scared to go out in public due to safety concerns, is that gender dysphoria or something else?

 

Today my wife told me she knows the dysphoria is real but she does not want me to act on it in any way, not even wearing underwear no one would notice, and not even crossing my legs a little differently when I sit. The intense sadness I felt when she said that came from the fact that I knew it meant I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I have to deny who I am inside. It is so yuck to have to refrain from integrity.

 

Anyways, I think that's textbook gender dysphoria. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

❤️ Belle

Link to comment

Gender dysphoria, as defined by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker in  "How to Understand Your Gender", pp. 178-179:

 

...you may have experienced moments of feeling a complete lack of fit between your body and yourself, almost as if you and your body, or parts of it, are complete strangers to each other. These moments might also be lasting, or come and go in different situations... They can be moments of gender dissonance, sometimes also called 'dysphoria' by health professionals. Our bodies are not how they were meant to be; there is a disconnect. Some of you might also have experienced not perceiving yourself as others do. For example, .... you might feel revolted by parts of your body. ...they might be connectioned with dysphoria around our gender identities, that is, feeling that parts of us do not fit with who we are gender-wise.

 

1 hour ago, Belle said:

Today my wife told me she knows the dysphoria is real but she does not want me to act on it in any way, not even wearing underwear no one would notice, and not even crossing my legs a little differently when I sit.

 

That sounds so controlling in a negative way.  There is no compromise on her part to be of help to you when you're in need.

Not a happy place.

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Nah, being afraid to go out in public is anxiety. That goes away when you do it a couple of times and you realize that the world doesn't end. It's perfectly normal to be nervous at first though. A friend of mine compared us to vampires when we're first coming out: It's only at night and we shy away from bright lights. Of course I don't live in Texas.

 

The dysphoria is the feeling that your body is wrong somehow. Where your skin doesn't quite fit right because you know, in your heart of hearts, it should be something else. The gender tag means that the feeling is attached to your gender.

 

If you want more of a textbook definition, we can do that too:

 

Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity. It's sometimes known as gender incongruence. Biological sex is assigned at birth, depending on the appearance of the genitals.

 

I tend to embellish. I like my writing to feel more visceral.

 

I can also say that your wife knows not of what she speaks. That's typical, cis people don't feel gender dysphoria. They often have a hard time wrapping their head around it. I advocate doing what you need to do. I tried to suppress my dysphoria for years and it resulted in the sort of depression where you're one good opportunity away from ending your own life. You probably don't want that. Hopefully, neither does she. She'd probably benefit from talking to a gender therapist who could set her straight. She obviously doesn't get it.

Link to comment

I don't hate my body parts. But there has never been a point in my life where I would not have instantly said yes if God had come down and told me He would make me female if I wanted it. If given the choice there's no question.

 

As I have processed my gender identity over the last month or so I have started recalling a lot of feelings and behaviors I had suppressed that are very clearly feminine. I remember doing so because I was afraid of being seen as feminine. I never had the concept that it was possible to not be male because I had boy parts. But I would pray so fervently to God to make me female, knowing in my mind it was impossible and ridiculous of me to ask.

 

But I'm not "in touch" with specific feelings that tell me I'm not "in the right skin." I do know that while I was using herbal methods my chest started to grow, my body odor became distinctly feminine, and I had an abundance of peace, and even joy. And when faced with the idea that I might not be able to resume, or even express myself at all, I get seriously depressed.

 

Any thoughts? Is this not GD?

Link to comment
58 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

I can also say that your wife knows not of what she speaks. That's typical, cis people don't feel gender dysphoria. They often have a hard time wrapping their head around it. I advocate doing what you need to do. I tried to suppress my dysphoria for years and it resulted in the sort of depression where you're one good opportunity away from ending your own life. You probably don't want that. Hopefully, neither does she. She'd probably benefit from talking to a gender therapist who could set her straight. She obviously doesn't get it.

This I agree with.  My heart breaks for you on this point.  She understands but still says you can’t do this or that? Ummm.  Not really her choice.  Then I see you bending over backwards to accommodate this behavior.  Not fair to you at minimum.  Just out n out wrong on her part. 
Sweetie, I did this for decades and I had a pretty bad mental breakdown. One that scared me so much.  I felt death was better.  I felt I had no choice.  Regardless of who said what.  I had to do this transition.  Please don’t let it go that far for you.  
But thats what happened to me.
You have the power to decide for yourself.  I understand it’s your wife and possibly your marriage at stake.  Would your life be valued any less then those?  No.  They are all equal.  Or should be.  Why do you have to suffer for others?

Im sorry hon.  It just makes me angry to see you suffer.  ❤️❤️❤️

Link to comment
  • Admin

The actual term Dysphoria  is two words together that mean "Terrible Burden" and your wife is making it such by being unaccepting and punishing you for it.  I agree that the anxiety about going out is a terrible experience, but the burden is when you cannot function in ways that seem right and fitted for you.  It may not be wearing lacy undies that will lift the burden for you.  Being able to hold and softly comfort a person who hurts is closer to what will help it.  Busting a TV and not watching a grueling boxing match may help it.  Writing about the deep feelings you have that are dismissed as being "unmanly" and putting the diary under lock and key may lift a part of it as well.  It is the locking away of your heart that is the greatest and most terrible burden there is. 

OK little different view, but there you go.  A meme that an IRL friend put on her web site, says "I can teach you what Gender Dysphoria IS, but I can't teach you how to understand it.

 

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Belle said:

I don't hate my body parts. But there has never been a point in my life where I would not have instantly said yes if God had come down and told me He would make me female if I wanted it. If given the choice there's no question.

...

But I'm not "in touch" with specific feelings that tell me I'm not "in the right skin."...

Before these get glazed over, I'd just remind you that you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans. You may not be repulsed by your body, but still strongly feel and know your identity as a woman. 

 

But it certainly sounds like there could be some dysphoria there. Being repressed from expressing yourself and in a way that's comfortable to you. Being miserable having to maintain the facade. 

 

Everyone has gave good input. Don't let yourself be repressed, it could subdue you to a dark place of sorrow. I hope your wife will open up and try to accept and and understand you, maybe get some insight from a gender therapist. 

 

~Toni

Link to comment
1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

Before these get glazed over, I'd just remind you that you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans. You may not be repulsed by your body, but still strongly feel and know your identity as a woman. 

 

But it certainly sounds like there could be some dysphoria there. Being repressed from expressing yourself and in a way that's comfortable to you. Being miserable having to maintain the facade. 

 

Everyone has gave good input. Don't let yourself be repressed, it could subdue you to a dark place of sorrow. I hope your wife will open up and try to accept and and understand you, maybe get some insight from a gender therapist. 

 

~Toni

Thank you Toni! I think that post was lost in between others. This issue is bothering me a lot. I'm pretty sure I buried my gender incongruence deep for many years, and I recently got in touch with it. Now I'm dealing with dysphoria from it. While I have very happy feelings associated with my lower parts, I would gladly trade them and all the good feelings for women's. When I think about it I feel relief and peace, not stimulation.

 

Monday I have my second therapy appointment. Hopefully we get somewhere. Even just an inch forward is better than nothing.

Link to comment
9 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Before these get glazed over, I'd just remind you that you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans. You may not be repulsed by your body, but still strongly feel and know your identity as a woman. 

 

~Toni

Toni, you are so very right on this point.  To be trans, you don't have to hate your body, because being trans is more about your feelings and your true, underlying personality.  

 

Belle, I think Jackie is right when she says you are experiencing anxiety.  You know you are trans, yet there are situations and people in your life preventing you from being who you really want to be.  This is extremely difficult, especially with a spouse.  Try to understand that she fell in love with and married a man, so coming to grips with the fact that her husband may not be the person she fell in love with can be difficult in the extreme.  Still, you need to be yourself, which means you'll probably have to determine if the journey you are taking is a journey your wife is capable of accompanying you on.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Toni, you are so very right on this point.  To be trans, you don't have to hate your body, because being trans is more about your feelings and your true, underlying personality.

 

Belle, I think Jackie is right when she says you are experiencing anxiety.  You know you are trans, yet there are situations and people in your life preventing you from being who you really want to be. 

It helps to be affirmed. This feels so crazy. I do know what's inside, but so so much has been suppressed from social pressures. I have to re-learn who I am, because I don't really know. 

 

2 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

This is extremely difficult, especially with a spouse.  Try to understand that she fell in love with and married a man, so coming to grips with the fact that her husband may not be the person she fell in love with can be difficult in the extreme.  Still, you need to be yourself, which means you'll probably have to determine if the journey you are taking is a journey your wife is capable of accompanying you on.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally 

Yes. I know she loves me and is committed to me. She doesn't understand this, and I hate putting her through it. I think she will eventually. 

 

Thank you Sally ❤️

Belle

Link to comment

 

On 12/13/2019 at 5:46 PM, VickySGV said:

It may not be wearing lacy undies that will lift the burden for you.  Being able to hold and softly comfort a person who hurts is closer to what will help it.

Vicky, this is so beautiful and enlightening. I meant to say this yesterday, but I forgot and it keeps coming back to me. Thank you!

 

Belle ❤️

 

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
On 12/13/2019 at 5:25 PM, Belle said:

I don't hate my body parts. But there has never been a point in my life where I would not have instantly said yes if God had come down and told me He would make me female if I wanted it. If given the choice there's no question.

This really resonates with me.  It wasn't until my early 20s that I learned that I wasn't alone, but my ambivalence regarding my body made it easy to suppress my true self - until I found I no longer could.  Even without hating my body, dysphoria was eroding my self-esteem.

 

On 12/13/2019 at 9:47 PM, ToniTone said:

Before these get glazed over, I'd just remind you that you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans. You may not be repulsed by your body, but still strongly feel and know your identity as a woman. 

 

On 12/14/2019 at 6:21 AM, Sally Stone said:

Toni, you are so very right on this point.  To be trans, you don't have to hate your body, because being trans is more about your feelings and your true, underlying personality.

Where were you gals 30 years ago? I could have used that advice!

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 98 Guests (See full list)

    • violet r
    • MaybeRob
    • Lenneth
    • Jet McCartney
    • Abigail Genevieve
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • violet r
      This is a question I ask myself all the time. When I'm out I hope that I can some what pass
    • violet r
      I use my  chosen name online and when ever I can. I play some online game and only go by that name. That is how everyone there know me. Yes it does feel great to be called the name you prefer. 
    • Breezy Victor
      I was ten years old when my mom walked in on me frolicking around my room dressed up in her bra, panties, and some pantyhose. I had been doing this in the privacy of my bedroom for a little while now so I had my own little stash box I kept full of different panties, bras, etc ... of hers. My mom's underwear was so easy for me to come by and she was a very attractive woman, classy, elegant. Well when she walked in on me, she looked at me with disgust and said to me... "If I wanted to run around like mommy's little girl instead of mommy's little boy, then she was going to treat me like mommy's little girl."  She left my bedroom after telling me NOT to change or get dressed or anything and returned with a few of her work skirts and blouses and such. She made me model off her outfits for her and I have to admit ... I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I felt so sexy, and feminine. And she knew I loved it.  She told me we can do this every weekend if I'd like. It would be OUR little secret. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      The usual social ways, of course.  Taking care of my partners and stepkids, being involved in my community.  That makes me feel good about my role.   As for physical validation and gender... probably the most euphoric experience is sex.  I grew up with my mother telling me that my flat and boyish body was strange, that my intersex anatomy was shameful, that no man would want me. So experiencing what I was told I could never have is physical proof that I'm actually worth something.  
    • KathyLauren
      <Moderator hat on>  I think that, at this point we need to get the thread back onto the topic, which is the judge's ruling on the ballot proposition.  If there is more to be said on the general principles of gendered spaces etc., please discuss them, carefully and respectfully, in separate threads. <Moderator hat off>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      People who have no understanding of transgender conditions should not be making policy for people dealing with it. Since it is such a small percentage of the population, and each individual is unique, and their circumstances are also unique, each situation needs to be worked with individually to see that the best possible solution is implemented for those involved. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      No.  You are getting stuck on one statement and pulling it out of context.   Trans kids have rights, but so do non-trans kids.  That conflict is best worked out in the individual situation. 
    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Have you read the rest of what I wrote?   Please read between the lines of what I said about high school.  Go over and read my Taylor story.  Put two and two together.   That is all I will say about that.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I feel like I lost my husband," Lois told the therapist,"I want the man I married." Dr. Smith looked at Odie, sitting there in his men's clothing, looking awkward and embarrassed. "You have him.  This is just a part of him you did not know about. Or did not face." She turned to Odie,"Did you tear my wedding dress on our wedding night?" He admitted it.  She had a whole catalog of did-you and how-could you.  Dr. Smith encouraged her to let it all out. Thirty years of marriage.  Strange makeup in the bathroom.  The kids finding women's laundry in the laundry room. There was reconciliation. "What do we do now?" Dr. Smith said they had to work that out.  Odie began wearing women's clothing when not at work.  They visited a cross-dressers' social club but it did not appeal to them.  The bed was off limits to cross dressing.  She had limits and he could respect her limits.  Visits to relatives would be with him in men's clothing.    "You have nail polish residue," a co-worker pointed out.  Sure enough, the bottom of his left pinky nail was bright pink  His boss asked him to go home and fix it.  He did.   People were talking, he was sure, because he doubted he was anywhere as thorough as he wanted to be.  It was like something in him wanted to tell everyone what he was doing, and he was sloppy.   His boss dropped off some needed paperwork on a Saturday unexpectedly and found Odie dressed in a house dress and wig.  "What?" the boss said, shook his head, and left.  None of his business.   "People are talking," Lois said. "They are asking about this," she pointed to his denim skirt. "This seems to go past or deeper than cross dressing."   "Yes.  I guess we need some counseling."  And they went.
    • April Marie
      You look wonderful!!! A rose among the roses.
    • Ashley0616
      Mine would be SHEIN as much as I have bought from them lol.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...