E is messing with my happy. ????

[ShawnaLeigh]

So since I have been on E It has been wonderful. I feel a calm and feel that day by day I am moving closer to being me on the outside.  I am truly happy about this. 
Tonight I’m at a really low.  I have no reason for this.  My wife is even trying to cheer me up.  
I really don’t know why I feel so down.  
Is this a side effect of E?

[ShawnaLeigh]

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm very sorry to hear that you're down, SL.  People react differently to E.  Moods can be all over the place, and a sort of Estrogen-fueled bi-polar reaction is certainly possible.  I think getting some rest and starting with a fresh mind and spirit in the morning can't but help to make things better.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[ToniTone]

I don't want to believe it's as dry cut as pointing the finger at the estrogen. Like you said, body dysphoria has a bug negative impact on mood. But the hormones certainly can sensitize one's mood. 

 

I have been pretty moody lately. Often very content and tranquil, but sometimes a bit anxious or melancholy. But what has been consistent is feeling more calm on feminizing hrt. I feel like testosterone made me more aggressive. I won't miss it... I love how I feel now, even if it is occasionally a more subdued feeling. 

 

And I love Carolyn Marie's advice! Taking care of one's self and getting good rest is vital. I'ma take that advice... ?

 

~Toni

[Charlize]

I fear sometimes that i also get blue and perhaps E contributes.  I know that tears flow more easily.  As mentioned by both Caroline and Toni rest and a regular diet and schedule helps.  After years of living as myself i'm quite comfortable with the me i see in the mirror.  Things are better in many ways than ever but i'm human and see a dark side from time to time.  As Kermit the frog said:  "It isn't easy being green."  That fits at times but we go on.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[TommieAnne]

8 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

Gosh the hairy thing! It drives me nuts. I told my therapist I feel like a hairy beast, furry as can be!

I can certainly feel your discomfort there. Lately enough things have been bothering me that I don't feel like my usual cheery self.

I think I need to go shave again.

TA

[ShawnaLeigh]

Thank you ladies for your replies.  It is the next morning as I write this and I am not feeling as blue as last evening.  
Drawing from my experiences back when I was self medicating I certainly learned the hard way the E does effect my mood and the way I think.  It was very quite scary when it first started to happen to me. Back then I had to hide it all and man up to try just not to cry at everything.  I felt different and thought of things in a new light.  Even sexually but I will not go there in this post.

 
I’m not there anymore.  I am out to a few and can express my feelings openly now.  Plus I have all of you to ask or just vent when I need it. 
Now that my journey has officially started I want results. Validation.  I’d like to be gendered correctly one time.  

I do feel better inside.  I feel the calm and the lack of aggression,  My mind is feeling more and more the person I had hidden all these years   My body is even getting to a much better place with all my weight loss plus I am happy I have not lost all my breast size from back then. (Still looks like man boobs though which I do not like.) 
The body hair is stubborn!  It’s horrible.  Hideous.  It is growing slower now and maybe finer but hard to tell because I shave everything every three to four days.  I want it gone.  I can’t afford it though.  So I shave.  A lot.  
My face is my biggest dysphoria. Not just the beard which is bad enough but the over all look of it. It does not even hint at being feminine unless it’s highly made up.  The balding top doesn’t help me feel any better that’s for sure and definitely contributes to the non female head over all.   
I have a long road ahead of me, I know, and Ive just started.  I just need a win in even one part of this.   Sigh.  

[Jackie C.]

Well the good news is that we're about the same age and I saw changes to my facial structure as my treatment progressed. I'm still a little masculine, but my avatar picture is just me. I like me. My breasts are on the small side, but they're the right shape. That took something like six months to start. Depending on genetics, you might do better. I was looking at myself in the mirror at the gym the other day and realized that I have the beginnings of a waist. I'm starting to be more comfortable with the way my body looks overall.

 

Emotionally, the metaphor I think of is this: As a male, you drank your emotions from an inner city tap. The water pressure wasn't very good, and you sipped from your glass because the water was a little gross. Besides, you had beer in the fridge (which I think is an excellent metaphor for T). On E, you get to drink from the fire hose. It's being controlled by a neighbor who is a bit of a practical joker and gives you a "drink" when you least expect it. Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways that 54 years of being male did not prepare you for. Since being of HRT I've experienced emotional states that English doesn't have words for.

I'm actually concerned about going off HRT next month. I feel like I'm going to turn into a werewolf.

 

You're dealing with stress from your spouse and your dysphoria. You're in a not-ideal situation and the E is going to make it more intense because it makes every emotional situation more intense. You're going to want to take time out to breathe and pamper yourself a little. It really does help. For example: I soaked in a hot tub for about two hours yesterday. I didn't really have time, but it was something I really, really needed to do. So good.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Well the good news is that we're about the same age and I saw changes to my facial structure as my treatment progressed. I'm still a little masculine, but my avatar picture is just me. I like me. My breasts are on the small side, but they're the right shape. That took something like six months to start. Depending on genetics, you might do better. I was looking at myself in the mirror at the gym the other day and realized that I have the beginnings of a waist. I'm starting to be more comfortable with the way my body looks overall.

 

Emotionally, the metaphor I think of is this: As a male, you drank your emotions from an inner city tap. The water pressure wasn't very good, and you sipped from your glass because the water was a little gross. Besides, you had beer in the fridge (which I think is an excellent metaphor for T). On E, you get to drink from the fire hose. It's being controlled by a neighbor who is a bit of a practical joker and gives you a "drink" when you least expect it. Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways

 

Geesh  now I am two years older to boot??

lol❤️

[ShawnaLeigh]

What the heck.  It quoted way more then I wanted and cut out the age reference.  Lol

Sorry. 
 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways that 54 years of being male did not prepare you for

That’s what I wanted.  

[Jackie C.]

 

49 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Geesh  now I am two years older to boot??

lol❤️

 

Sorry about that. I was REALLY close going from memory though. I should be more careful. Many apologies. ?

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

 

Sorry about that. I was REALLY close going from memory though. I should be more careful. Many apologies. ?

 

Hugs!

You were.  But it was still about 24 years to much.  Lol

[Jackie C.]

Ugh, I hear that. I really wish I'd started back in 1990. I had a decent job, good health insurance, and I worked nights so nobody especially cared what I wore or what I looked like. I probably still would have been fired for being trans, but I'd probably be in a better ... mostly ... place than I am now. The only thing I wouldn't change is my wife and that's about when we started dating. It probably would have been harder to coax her to the Dark Side.

 

Hugs!

[Belle]

15 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

I'm sorry I missed this post Shawna ? I know some of my posts have contributed to that. But your support has been so helpful to me.

 

I know how you feel. I don't know how often I repeat the phrase "I hate myself" in my head. I wish there was a simple answer. Life is messy. Just know that you are loved. Not just here, but others in your life do as well. I believe there are some people in your life, maybe not your wife or even family, that will accept you for who you are. I want so much for you to be affirmed and to feel accepted.

 

I am really glad you are feeling better today. 

 

Belle ❤️

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

6 hours ago, Belle said:

I'm sorry I missed this post Shawna ? I know some of my posts have contributed to that. But your support has been so helpful to me.

No hon it’s not you.  Or anyone in particular.  Just some things written about reminds you of other things and it snowballs from there.  
I have made terrible decisions in my life.  I’ve paid dearly for them. Some extremely sad or just screwed up things have happened to me.  I survived them.  But it doesn’t make it ok if you know what I mean.  
Sometime they just hurt.  

[Belle]

2 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I have made terrible decisions in my life.  I’ve paid dearly for them. Some extremely sad or just screwed up things have happened to me.  I survived them.  But it doesn’t make it ok if you know what I mean.  
Sometime they just hurt.  

Ugh, yes. I understand being haunted by my bad decisions. 

[Lee H]

On 12/14/2019 at 3:06 AM, ShawnaLeigh said:

My face is my biggest dysphoria. Not just the beard which is bad enough but the over all look of it. It does not even hint at being feminine unless it’s highly made up.  The balding top doesn’t help me feel any better that’s for sure and definitely contributes to the non female head over all.   
I have a long road ahead of me, I know, and Ive just started.  I just need a win in even one part of this.   Sigh.  

You look quite pretty to me. I noticed your photo right away; my reaction was divided but all good. A third -excited- male, a third envious girl and a third lesbian togetherness. That's the big third....

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Leah said:

You look quite pretty to me. I noticed your photo right away; my reaction was divided but all good. A third -excited- male, a third envious girl and a third lesbian togetherness. That's the big third....

Oh my Thank you!  Sadly I can not say I look like my pic all the time.  If I did I wouldn’t be so dysphoric over myself. it gives me a good look at what’s possible for me.   Sadly I have to present male in public so on a day to day basis I am not myself.  
I am hoping to start looking more female soon.  

[Jackie C.]

51 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I am hoping to start looking more female soon.  

 

Pretty sure this isn't just you. ?

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Pretty sure this isn't just you. ?

 

Hugs!

I know I know.  
But to me.  I should be first.  Lol