Still Unsure

[Sunckey]

I've been out as FTM for two years now (ending of 2017), and I knew something was up at the beginning of 7th grade (2014). But I still have doubts and concerns about how I present myself and whatnot. I tend to wear very gender-neutral outfits (Think button-up with a button-down jacket and jeans, maybe converse, dress shoes or boots) and I have shoulder-length hair in a flow cut style. However, I do tend to enjoy crimping/curling my hair for occasions, and I enjoy more floral patterns on clothing. My social awkwardness and tendency to be overly-polite doesn't help me much in passing either. I do have more masculine clothes in my wardrobe since I've been trying to clean out all my old stuff and replacing it with more of that kind of fashion, but I can't help gravitating to my normal button up jacket- boots/dress shoes combo.

My dad accuses me of not dressing as a boy(which, I can see why), and just saying I'm trans because it's "for attention" which has made me more self-conscious in my appearance. I have no problem dressing and passing as a man and more masculine (currently aiming to get on HRT soon) as that is normally my goal and the person I see in the mirror on good days, but I still enjoy my sense of gender-neutral fashion even though I know it hinders me. Before I started identifying as FTM, I thought I was Non-binary and sometimes I still wonder if that still may be the case. Am I valid as a FTM? Should I look more into Non-Binary? 

[tracy_j]

I think that everyone is different. I suspect 99 out of 100 people would be as unsure as to wonder whether they are absolutely FTM (or MTF depending on where they are going). It would be easy (or at least easier) then. My thoughts would be to explore, takings things steadily as they come. Very few people are 100% male or female. Look at all the adverts for male cosmetics now. With just a few exceptions a very recent trend. The world is constantly changing. The important thing is how you feel in yourself, not to follow some defined route because it's appears to be the done thing. A gender therapist would be good to discuss your thoughts with.

 

Tracy

[ShawnaLeigh]

Welcome to the forums Sunckey!  

Like Tracy had said, I think most of us still struggle with this at one point or another.  Even with therapy it can take a long time to figure things out and be comfortable with yourself.  Then some folks just take to it as it is just natural for them.   Full steam ahead.  The point is everyone is different.  

I doubt anyone here will out and out "label" you as one thing or the other.  No one really likes to be labeled, though I find it strange that many are looking to be.  A Label is not an answer though.  What's in your heart, mind, and soul is what you should follow.  So that's the catch 22 of it isn't it?  Because we don't really know.  Especially up front.  It just takes time and exploration of feelings and thoughts.  Sometimes day by day.

There are those that could point out your similarities to themselves and what they thought or did. That's the beauty of this place.  So much experience, love, and support.  We are never judgmental.

So my advice is to read a lot here.  Ask a ton questions and just be apart of the family conversations.  You will eventually feel what's right.

 

[Sunckey]

Thank you both for your replies! As someone whose still relatively young and still going through the process of overcoming the inherent need to "fit in" and fit into a certain classification- or label, as ShawnaLeigh said- it's a true relief to be brought back and reminded that desperately trying to do so can only lead me to being even more confused and uncertain, basically a rabbit hole. So, I suppose in the end it's not exactly if I'm one thing or the other, but if I'm comfortable being and knowing who I am, and exploring more of myself. I do certainly plan on taking part here more often, everyone so far has been lovely! Once again, thank you for your replies!