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Zayla

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Zayla

, Hi everyone! I have been a part of these forums for a few days now, was just super busy with work that I just didn't have a lot of time to post an introduction, especially since it may be super long. On that note, fair warning this may be super long, and maybe a bit scattery, I forget about grammar when trying to get my thoughts and feelings out, sorry in advance!

 

First things first, the basics! I'm 30 year old, pre everything MTF living in western Canada. It has only been about 6 months since I finally clued in to the fact that I was trans, well more like admitted that it was me, I have been researching for just over 2 years.

 

Now in order to understand a huge chunk of what has been going on I should probably give some backstory not just the simple "Hi I'm trans" stuff. So here it goes, I was raised by a single mother for the first roughly 7 years of my life, as such we became best friends almost more than we were mother and child. We did find a great man to become my step dad. Now things weren't perfect, not by a long shot both my parents have health issues but we made due and we were happy. Or at least I pretended I was, looking back on things now I think I've only truly been happy once or twice in my life.

 

So there we were the three of us, living as a happy family. Fighting through health problems that life kept on throwing at the ones I loved. Thing was though I was hiding a lot and shutting a lot out. With the health issues my parents had I always felt like I had to be the strong one, I had to be the one that wasn't "broken", I needed to be there for them. I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't supposed to be born a boy but I had always been observant enough to know how to pretend that I was, that I wasn't as confused as I was.

 

I would try on my mom's dresses in secret and pretty much wipe it from my memory, just barricaded how I felt wearing it and chocked it off to a weird preteen experiment, same thing with mom's perfumes. Emotions kept on rising and falling,  emotions that kept saying what is wrong with you, you're broken, you're a freak. But I needed to be strong, so I hid them, barricaded most of my emotions behind a mental wall and just imitated the emotions I needed to fool people into thinking I was ok.

 

When I was 16 or 17 I admitted that I was attracted to boys, and finally let some of the femininity that I had hidden out, and just said I was gay. It never truly felt right and I knew I was still hiding something but I shoved it to the back of my mind and tried to pretend everything was ok. For the next 10 years I so, I never really knew love, at least the non parental kind. I dated but nothing even lasted a year. Nothing felt right but again I needed to be strong, being their gay son was fine, they accepted that and still said I was strong for living as me.

 

Now we did meet a trans person when I was younger, so I knew it was a thing but how he explained it to me just didn't fit me or I just didn't let it fit me. Mom and dad said he was a friend of theirs but whenever he wasn't around they questioned his decisions and mannerisms saying no one ever believe he was a guy. (Sorry that was a bit of a time travel, half forgot about it before now and it is kinda important to things).

 

Now not going into too much detail but when I was in my early 20s my life fell apart. The walls I had put around my emotions started breaking and I truly felt the loss of friends, classmates, family of friends that had all passed on. (It's why I won't go into too much detail on this part its honestly way too "pity me" feeling to go into too much detail... What can I say there are still some things I won't open up about) So I left my hometown to escape it all, only one I kept in touch with were my parents.

 

Through the years I've been where I live now I've met people that became as close to me as anyone, they are my family and in all honesty they've helped keep me alive. I met more trans people and grew to understand they weren't broken, nature just played a cruel trick on them. Which made me start thinking, and start researching. Two years later I had no doubt in my mind that I was trans, I slowly started letting the real me out, told my friends who all accepted it and pretty much said "Well yeah we kind of figured so". And for the first time I was happy, truly happy, true it triggered the dysphoria I had been hiding all along but I still felt free and I knew what to do, I knew there was a way out of all this that didn't involve me dying and making the people I cared most about hurt. I started experimenting with my nails, grew then out, started trying to find things more feminine to wear, all that.

 

At least I felt that way until about 4 months ago, when out of the blue Mom sent me a Facebook message saying "we need to talk".  Now I had told them I was trans when I told all my friends and they were fine with it, well fine-ish, they said they'd love me no matter what and as long as I was happy that was all that mattered so the "we need to talk" I assumed was maybe a health matter so called them the next day. 

 

That call turned out to be the worst call of my life. All the things they said they were ok with they weren't, I think part of me knew they wouldn't be 100% ok with it and that took a part in why it took so long to come to terms with it, I was scared of losing them. They literally said they'd never accept it and I'd always be their son and never their daughter. And not just that they would never accept it but that no one would ever accept it, no one would ever let me brat their kids and just absolutely terrible things. They said I was selfish for saying if I got sick I probably wouldn't be able to fight because I felt like I had no will left to fight. That I was selfish for not wanting to live the way I was anymore.

 

Let's just say I spiraled, like badly spiraled I stopped everything I was doing that made me feel feminine, that made me feel like me. I have gotten rid of my razors just because I can't trust myself around them, I have my friends and they've been amazing, and have kept me sane and safe. Downside is, since I've gotten rid of my razors it's triggered more dysphoria since I have a beard... Haven't looked in a mirror in a few months.... 

 

I am getting better though, I'm fighting, not just for my friends, the ones that I look at as my new family, but for the real me that I can still feel inside. I want to know her. I have a razorless hair remover thingy coming in the mail ( a swablue gentle glide thingy). And I am fighting tooth and nail. 

 

I may be damaged but I am far from broken, I have completely cut out all toxic people in my life, and that includes my parents and my old family, but I'm learning I don't need them.

 

So I was right, that was really long, but also felt amazing writing it all down and getting it out there. Thanks for reading everyone, and Merry Christmas!

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Charlize

Thank you for sharing.  I know that wonderful feeling you describe when i was able to express myself to those who might understand and not judge me.  hat i've found is one of the pleasures of being here.  

It may well take time but i have found that i have found acceptance from many i thought could never accept me.

In the meantime sharing here and hopefully seeing a therapist can help you.  I know it helped me on my journey.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Zayla

I have kind of gotten to the point where I have the ones that accept me and whoever else does is just icing on the cake. 

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Jani

Zayla I'm sorry to read of your parents reaction.  But you are not the one who is selfish, it is them.  You are an adult and you have your life.  They had theirs.  You are not damaged.  

 

If you are thinking of using the razor less hair remover, please be careful.  If its an epilator, these are not designed for male type facial hair, beard hair.  This hair is different than the other lighter hair on our bodies and faces.  If its a "laser type" IPL device these are not overly effective from all I've heard from those who have tried them.  Maybe for lighter hair (like on your arms) but not on your face.  Don't be disappointed if the results are not as advertised. 

 

Take care and love yourself.  Removing the people that hurt you is a good start to healing.  Thats what you are doing!   Very good!!

 

Jani  

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Zayla

It uses some sort of micro oscillation thingy, it's not an epilator ( I had one of those and really didn't like it), I'll definitely make a post about it when I can try it out and everything. Worth a try at the very least 😁.

 

I'm trying to learn how to love myself, helps that one of my oldest friends here said that he's always seen the real me so I know she's in there somewhere and my friend has always stuck by me 😁

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Robin68

Hi Zayla,

Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest. I am new here also but I welcome you to the forum. Although I am considerably older than you, I can relate to your story. I began crossdressing when I was 28 and felt the same dysphoria you describe well before that time. I hope I can be here to offer love and support because it will help us both!

 

Hugs,

Robin

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