My coming out journey starts back up in days..

[ShawnaLeigh]

As some may know I had come out to a few female family members and then my wife a short while ago.  I had sever anxiety over coming out to my wife too.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  With out doubt by far the very hardest thing I have even had to say verbally.

I took days and lots of tears.  We got past it though and things are a lot smoother now.  We still have an uphill road to travel as far as the marriage but there is very little stress from it now.

However one thing my wife suggested a few weeks ago was to slow down and hold off until after the holidays to continue telling more.  So I have nbeen in a holding pattern and very stressed over being stopped when I was on a positive roll.  This next phase of coming out includes my two youngest children that live very near to me. They are both out on their own now, just not for very long and still largely apart of my life.   The older three from other marriages are out of state and well into there own lives and kids and family's, etc.  I plan to share with them too eventually but have zero stress over it.  I never see them nor barely hear from them other then a few posts on Facebook (I know-sad)

I just finished writing letters to the two youngest.  It is very difficult to write to them thinking about how they will react or think when reading them.  I wrote them each there own as I feel I wanted to personalize for each.  I had originally intended to tell them verbally face to face but I am not brave enough for that big a step yet.  Nor do I feel I could even get through it emotionally and certainly not able to say everything I need to say.

I don't know why I am even writing this post other to say I am freaking out right now.  It could be next week or who knows when I will be brave enough to send them.

I am experiencing all the same anxiety all over again.  

I am so afraid...

I hate being afraid...

I try to think logically about it but it does not help the fear I feel.  Some folks you would be sad to loose.  Some you may not care either way.  But some you simply can not lose and these two are it for me.  

[Belle]

This is so tough Shawna! I feel your anxiety ? Of all the people we don't want to hurt, the children are at the top of the list. We don't want them to see us differently. We don't want to destroy our relationship with them.

 

They will probably be fine with it after a little time processing it. They grew up in a vastly different culture regarding gender identity than we did.

 

Even if they have trouble with it at first, just hang in there and give it time.

 

Belle ❤️

[Jackie C.]

It's hard, but you'll be OK. Besides, there's no point stressing about something you have no control over. You've told them what you're going through and what you plan to do about it. You didn't raise them to be bigots did you? No? Then it'll probably be fine. They love you. That's all that matters.

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

This next phase of coming out includes my two youngest children that live very near to me.

I know this is hard.  Especially if you have a relationship that you really want to keep in tact...the way it is now.  The thought of that paradigm changing is scary.  But I just want to let you know that with my 7 grandkids between the ages 8-16, all of them have accepted the change with no issues at all.  I mention that because I think you’ll be able to establish a new paradigm with your children that may be even better than the current one.  They’ll see the true you...that accounts for something.  As Jackie C said...they love you and I bet they know you love them too.  Give them a little time and don’t rush to an early conclusion.  Be open and honest and you’ll be fine.  Have hope and keep your head up.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[ShawnaLeigh]

Thank you both.   I’ve been saying all these things to myself. Reassuring myself.  But the basic raw fear of it is starting to control my logical mind.  
I thought to write these “to get them out of the way” and not stress over it.  Now I am still in a holding pattern to wait until after our holidays.  now I actually have letters to send.  
New Years Eve is as big as Xmas for us so I have to wait.  It’s like Super Bowl big.  

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

So I spent the whole morning tweaking the two letters to my kids.  I again cheated and wrote just one and then customized from that one to send each one of their own.  I had the same things to same mostly but did have some personal things to say to each afterwards. 

Feeling good about those letters I ended up writing one to my three friends.  A group letter.  I feel it turned out as good as I could get it.  It definitely felt weird "talking" to them as my true self.  As a women.  I purposely did not write as I normally would nor joke or banter like we all do.

 

I am not quite prepared to lose any of them truthfully.  Who ever can be 100% but I know its a possibility.  I don't fear "losing" my kids really but I know I may hurt them with this.  My friends are 50:50.  I have no idea how that we go over.

I'm going to have my wife read them over soon just to make sure I didn't make an arse out of myself and then wait until after New Years to send them.

Now I wait again...  (Sigh)

 

[Jackie C.]

Yeah, waiting is hard. You never know how things are going to turn out, so you roll them over in your mind again and again. Every time you do, the results get a little darker and you get a little more worried. Before you know it, you've worked yourself into a ball of anxiety and you're hiding under the covers with all the lights on.

 

My cure for that is to keep busy. That keeps me off the "What if..." treadmill and I don't work myself into a frenzy. I'm not sure what you can do around the house, but I write, cook, clean things, play with the cats, whatever keeps my mind off whatever my problem is. When I'm worried about something, the house gets VERY clean.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

We are never prepared to lose someone Shawna.   But we will learn their true feelings about us and life.  When I wrote I tried to say enough to get my point across clearly but not so much to give away deep personal thoughts and secrets.  Remember the story of Pandora.  

 

I do think it's a good idea to write one letter then tailor it to the specific audience.  That keeps your story consistent.  All my best to you.

Jani

[ShawnaLeigh]

47 minutes ago, Jani said:

When I wrote I tried to say enough to get my point across clearly but not so much to give away deep personal thoughts and secrets.  Remember the story of Pandora.  

This basically why I have asked my wife to proof read what I am sending my children.  I can have diarrhea of the mouth at times and say WAY to much.   Which is exactly what Revision 1 was.  I have to cut nearly and page and a half of info that may of been to personal.  I also cut things that were ok to say but to leave for discussion on another day.  

I always feel like I have to explain EVERYTHING up front and hope they understand verses letting them ask what they do not understand.  

That and my wife is way better with grammar then I am.  LOL

It is still a 2 page typed letter.  

[Jani]

Saying enough but leaving points to be discussed (or asked about) later is a good idea.  Some people just may not want to know more than the basics.  Short, sweet and to the point is best!