To come out, or not to come out

[Taylor]

So it's been a question I've been mulling over for a while now. I'll be seeing a gender therapist soon, and that should help get some more insight on things for me. However, as things are I feel I can't label myself as anything other than gender questioning. I feel I am some flavor of transfeminine, though I'm not sure exactly where. I've come out to three people now, a close friend a couple months ago, another friend who runs a D&D group I'm in and has a transgender partner. Lastly, I came out to one of my cousin's (one of my 20 or so first cousins) and she took it well, and asked if she could tell her boyfriend who she lives with. I agreed to that.

 

I'm just not sure if I should be coming out, without a definitive answer. Part of me says yes, part of me says no. I think the answer I've been settling on is that maybe I should do a prelimary round of coming out to the people I'm both close to, and that I feel I can tell safely, and let them know what's up. That way, I can get some support, get some people who may be willing to help me experiment. Then, once I'm more certain on things, (and probably before I transition, if/when I come to that) I'll do a second round of coming out.

 

It's a bit of an awkward case. I moved out from home, which is good because I am fairly sure this is going to be either disaster or a long adjustment with my dad. (Certainly has made me wish my mom was still around lately, I feel like she'd be a lot more accepting, I may have been able to talk to her about it already. Though its hard to say). However, I currently live with a cousin and a friend of his. While I feel my cousin would be probably be fine to tell, I can't help but worry. I don't want to turn home into a nest for negativity... I want it to be a safe space. As for my other roommate, I don't know her well enough. I tend to keep to myself typically. I think I may see about asking my cousin I have come out to for some help. Fingers crossed I can make it work.

 

As for other people who may fit within the preliminary round, is at least most of my mom's family. They are generally loving and accepting people, plus within that side of the family are several cases of homosexuality, which are received well. So the family has some exposure to similar topics. Though at the same time being transgender is different, and I'd be the first to come out for that. I'd want to believe that at least with some time, everyone on that side of my family would be accepting... and I'd really hate for them not to be since they are most of my close relations. There are a couple of aunts/uncles that I've been hesistant about, due to religious beliefs... and the cousin I came out to is the daughter of some of them, and has confirmed that concern.

 

My dad's side has a lot of more traditional minded people. With several of them displaying various prejudices (racism, sexism, mild homophobia, etc.). I struggle to think of anyone on that side that would make the preliminary round. Same goes with my highschool friends. I've always felt I've been more at the edge of that friendgroup than within it... and I know one of them has verbally expressed distaste towards the transgender community. I feel like others would be likely to opt to severe ties with me rather than the other... and worry it may seep into affecting others.

 

If anyone has advice or input, I'd be glad to hear it.

[Jackie C.]

It sounds like your plan is a good one. Come out to the people you trust in your own time. There's no hard limit here ... well, sorta ... if you find yourself on HRT for two or three years and have trouble passing as your original gender then people are probably going to figure out that something's up.

 

I'll also say that people can surprise you. I was sure that my dad would take my transition poorly and my mother would be more accepting. Dad and I are closer than before now and mom won't talk to me. I actually haven't told my aunts and uncles. I haven't seen either set in going on a decade. I didn't see the point.

 

Hugs!

[Taylor]

Yea. I figure if I start HRT, I'll have to say bring it up before too long to the people I see. I just hope that the people I may be wrong about are the people I think wouldn't be okay with it... though I suppose everyone wants that.

 

On that note. I've been trying to come up with ways to check people that doesn't make it too obvious up front. I've been coming up more or less empty handed. If anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.

[Jani]

Delta you can test people by bringing up in conversation a situation involving LGBT people, especially TG, that you heard or read about in the news.  Check the News forum here.  You will get their unvarnished opinions.  

 

Its always best (IMO) to come out slowly first to those you trust.  This will help build some confidence.  Unfortunately this is not like telling them you are gay/lesbian as your physical presentation will change are some point.  This I have found to be the point that many cannot get their head around.  Be prepared to win some and lose some.  It is like life in general where we go through periods where friends come and go.  Don't get worked up over it.

 

We're always here to listen and talk to.

 

Jani 

[Taylor]

Well I brought it up with my roommate cousin tonight.

 

In general today was a day of feeling a bit more adventurous I suppose. Tried something new in terms of hair care/showering routine aim to accentuating my natural hair curl (and just in general I like having wavy hair) last night, which persisted into today. I was a bit wary of going to see my dad today, for a belated birthday dinner. I was feeling like I may get called out on my hair, and wasn't sure I was ready for that. I messaged the cousin I had already come out to, and she helped give me a confidence boost. Between conversations with her and the support from you all I've been feeling a bit more confident... still wary, but far less than usual. In the end, I wasn't called out at all, so I found that relieving.

 

Got home, and finally had a chance with my roommate cousin alone, we chatted for a bit. First I got a gauge on if he was at all stressed. We ended up going for a short walk to play some Pokemon Go, and during the walk I tested him in a way a bit more direct than I would normally consider. A month or so ago, while he was admittedly drunk, he had been talking about when our grandpa was sick and hating to see the racism and such being spewed. He said something along the lines of it being a wake-up call for himself, wanting to check himself to make sure he wasn't reflecting that. When he was younger the people around him had said some prejudicial things, which my cousin came to quickly realize wasn't alright. So tonight, I decide to probe a little deeper. Asking if he had any prejudices or anything he was aware of. Racism, Sexism, Homophobia, Transphobia, etc. He said he couldn't think of anything currently, though maybe in the past a little bit of transphobia, relating to the people he was around. I verified that it wasn't anymore, and he affirmed that it wasn't really a thing anymore. I had also had the excuse for the question being related to knowing some people who detest one prejudice only to follow another. (eg. hating Racism, but then being homophobic or something).

 

Once we got back home, we did some trades on Pokemon Go, and right as I was about to tell him verbally, I heard our other roommate getting home so I clammed up. I ended up sending him a text explaining it. I was met with a neutral response so far. I had asked last night if he'd be up for getting together for lunch or something sometime, and he asked if that was related. I admitted that was part of why. I also just wanted a chance to catch up with him a bit, since I don't get to that often. Beyond that, it seems like the plan is meet up and talk later in the week. Things otherwise resumed as normal.

 

Makes me feel a bit relieved. It wasn't an obvious or outright negative reaction. A bit anxious just due to the neutrality of it, though I suppose for now I'll take it as a win.

 

I also was talking with my other cousin last night, stresses were getting to me so I went for a walk so I could talk over the phone. I was having trouble conveying my thoughts and feelings via text. At Christmas, she has asked if she could tell her boyfriend, saying she knew he'd be fine to tell. I consented. I asked if she had told him yet. She said she had, and without wanting to put words in his mouth said he had already kind of had an idea of it.

 

Not sure on the details yet, but what I do know: On the 22nd most of us cousins, and the boyfriend went to the Nutcracker, as a Christmas gift from our uncle. My cousin had asked me how things were going, to which I first responded with 'Yes' (Kind of been my way of non-obviously being like 'Things are complicated. Not going to say things are good... but not going to say they're bad.' Though upon being asked further, I only really gave that things were complicated, though didn't want to talk about it at that moment. She talked with her boyfriend that night/next morning, and from what it sounded like he had the idea at least since then... though as she didn't want to put words in his mouth she didn't elaborate much. It kind of sounded like he had vibes from even earlier. She had thought it could be something of this nature, do to my conveying it was complicated, but not wanting to talk about it the moment, but wasn't as sure until I clued her in a bit more before telling her on my birthday the next day.

 

As I come out to people, makes me really curious. My first friend I told has been the DM to most of my Tabletop RPGs over the past 5 or so years. He had picked up on my tendency of playing female characters, and after I came out to him he told me that. Also adding that the only other people he knew who had the same tendencies had also come out as being transgender or non-binary. He clarified that it wasn't a for-sure correlation, more of an observation. Now with my cousin and her boyfriend at least picking up on signs I've been leaving (subconciously or intentionally), if not getting vibes I was unaware of. I find myself curious who else has gotten those kind of vibes before.

 

A couple months ago, a cousin on my dad's side, who currently lives at my dad's had a Native American friend over. My cousin really wanted me to meet his friend, and the guy was quite nice. I really enjoyed socializing with him, as well as getting to learn about his culture. My cousin seemed really set on his friend telling me about 'two-spirit' which is similar to, but not exactly viewed the same as LGBTQ. He's also been bugging me to talk sometime, catch up and get to know each other again. He has in the past asked if I was gay, to which I denied. It's a thing several of my dad's side have asked, or expressed in some way. So I find myself curious now as to whether it has anything to do with him thinking I may be gay still, or transgender. Or if I am just reading into things to much... though I'm apprehensive to talk about it with anyone on my dad's side. Maybe some day I'll indulge him on catching up and seeing where it goes.

 

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough for one post. Sorry if things are at all confusing on account of ramble, or my plethora of cousins. Thank you all for the support and kindness, and for helping me push my way to being a better and more authentic me.