Friend's boyfriend intimidating me

[Lucca]

So, my friends and I get together often to play board games. It used to be a more mixed gender group, but most of the men stopped hanging out with us as much for one reason or another, and then I transitioned in October, so it's gotten pretty female oriented. The one exception is one of my friends' boyfriend, whose house (that he shares with my friend) we normally play games at.

 

For the most part, he's cool, but he gets uncomfortably domineering and intimidating sometimes. He is often critical of other players' moves while we're playing in ways that are kind of insulting and insinuate we're playing poorly, he gives unwanted suggestions for how to play, and he gets frustrated when people forget rules or don't pick them up fast enough. He does this the most to his girlfriend, much to her chagrin, which seems like kind of an unhealthy relationship dynamic if I'm being honest, but whatever, it's not my business.

 

The problem I have is that he seems to target me with this behavior the next most often, and it's really starting to bother me. It's like he views me as his primary rival or something. While he's been very supportive of my transition and I don't doubt his sincerity, I can't help but feel he still subconsciously views me as a man since he knew me as one for so long, and therefore as someone with whom it is appropriate to verbally roughhouse with, especially in the absence of other men.

 

I wasn't thrilled with this dynamic between us back when we first met, but I'm even less enthused about it now. Since then, I've been on hormones for quite awhile, I've spent most of my social time with other women, I've been harassed by an abusive male supervisor, and I've been gawked at by strange men in public and had to make an assessment about whether I was about to have an unpleasant confrontation or not. I'm just not in the headspace to tolerate men browbeating me anymore, even if it's in a relatively harmless way.

 

I'm thinking about this more now because we have a huge planned game day coming up; we'll be playing Twilight Imperium, which is an extremely long, complex game that can easily take ten hours to play, and I'll be in charge of overseeing it. I'll be explaining the rules to four other players who have never played before, and I'll need to be watching them carefully to make sure they don't break any rules by accident. I'll need to look up rules in a timely fashion when disputes come up, and use my judgement to make final rulings. Playing this game is fun, but it's also a lot of work for me to oversee it, and speaking from personal experience, it can get stressful if people start to take it too seriously or don't respect my authority on rules decisions.

 

I really don't want my friend's boyfriend to be overly critical of other players' moves, or giving people directions, or being verbally aggressive towards me, or talking back to me about rules decisions on a game I've literally spent hours studying. However, I'm at a loss as to how best to confront this situation. Should I ask him directly, most likely over text? That would probably work, and I'm sure he wouldn't, like, be nasty to me about it or anything, but I'm afraid it would put another layer of awkwardness between us. Should I ask his girlfriend to say something on my behalf? She's my closest friend, and she'd know how best to approach him about it since she obviously knows him better. Should I just not say anything for now, and manage as best I can? I know I'll have to address this somehow eventually, but doing it a week before we'll be playing this game together for the entire day could make things more awkward, so waiting might be wise.

 

Also of note, at our last get together, we were talking about the new Star Wars movie. He was talking about how much he despised it, I said I really liked it, and he shot me this awful death glare like I had just called him a racial slur or something. We continued discussing it briefly, and he had this icy tone to his voice like he thought I was just a total idiot for enjoying this movie and had personally ruined the franchise for him, or something. Well, look, I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate being raked over the coals for something so stupid. That death stare is the same look I get from strangers who clock me in public, I don't want to get it in my safe space over something as trivial as a blockbuster movie. The moment was over quickly and then things were pleasant again, and he probably didn't realize how much it shook me and wouldn't have done it if he had, but this incident is indicative of his cluelessness that other people might be more socially fragile than he is.

 

I'm just not sure what to do. Any advice?

[ToniTone]

I feel this. When I'm around a mixed gender of people, I feel like one of the girls, but I also feel like the guys see me as another bro, but not really. It's kinda awkward bc I want to be seen as one of the girls but feel like I fall short. I dunno, maybe it's different. Guess I just had to vent that sorry. 

 

I'd say confront him directly. But I know if it were me I would be averse to doing so. I'd vent about it to the girl friend, pick her mind about it and see if she feels like intervening. 

 

I bet alot of us transfems feel like we're being targeted when guys harass us grudgingly like this. But I'll bet they're like that to most women, misogyny... 

 

~Toni

[Charlize]

It sounds like you are dealing with a "male chauvinist".  Some men seem to think it just fine to boss women around.  In my experience i just have had to grin and bear it or move on if it becomes too abusive.  I try to accept that there is nothing i can do to change another's attitude.  I can take care of myself.  Oddly that acceptance lowers my feelings of annoyance or anger.  After all i have plenty of traits that might bother others.

If i ignore an itch and concentrate on something else the itch vanishes.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

First off... game girls represent! I've wanted to try Twilight Imperium, but the expense was a little off-putting. Fantasy Flight products are always worth the money, but it's an investment I can't make right now. I'm more of a RPG girl anyway.

 

I actually noticed a friend of mine exhibit similar behavior as I started to present in more feminine ways. I'm with Charlize. I think it's chauvinistic or misogynistic behavior that he's probably not even aware of. The guy in my life does not like women. He claims he does, but oh boy, if that's how he treats someone he likes, I don't want to see how he treats someone he doesn't. He was accepting enough of my transition, but as I became more feminine he became more of an ass. I probably should have stopped it right away, but I suffer from social anxiety and really don't like confrontation. I left that group and made some new friends to play with. They're awesome by the way.

 

Now, I'm going to assume that you'd rather keep playing with this group. Honestly, if I had a group with that much female energy in it, I'd want to keep it too. I'd wait until game day first of all. Every time I've confronted someone in print, it's gone badly. It's real easy to misinterpret text because there aren't any of the facial expressions or body language that happen in a regular conversation. So in my experience, text starts fights.

That said, you'll have to be firm with him during the game. When he starts to act up, just a smile and a, "Please don't <whatever fool thing he's doing>, I've got enough to keep track of." or "Please stop, <whatever disruptive behavior he's exhibiting> I need to keep track of this." Always smile and be polite, but don't let him get away with anything. The behavior probably won't stop right away. Gamers are a little like unruly dogs; they need to be trained. Training doesn't happen overnight.

 

Best of luck sweetie! It sounds like you're in for a good time!

 

Hugs!

[Lucca]

I'll probably talk to the girlfriend about it, and see what she thinks I/we should do, we're very close and talk a lot so that should be a safe option.

 

Thanks, I'll let you guys know how it goes! #gamegirls!

[ShawnaLeigh]

4 hours ago, Charlize said:

It sounds like you are dealing with a "male chauvinist".  Some men seem to think it just fine to boss women around.  In my experience i just have had to grin and bear it or move on if it becomes too abusive.  I try to accept that there is nothing i can do to change another's attitude.  I can take care of myself.  Oddly that acceptance lowers my feelings of annoyance or anger.  After all i have plenty of traits that might bother others.

If i ignore an itch and concentrate on something else the itch vanishes.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

This is how I would take care of this if it were me.  Now. 

Before I would of confronted the guy and told him what's what.  However I am no longer that aggressive male with strength and bravado any longer.  

I also think I would talk to the girl friend and explain how you feel and if together you can figure out a way to change this guys behavior.  It sounds like he is accepting of you but still has male traits to deal with.  

Good Luck!

[Lucca]

So, I texted my friend about this, she had apparently already realized her boyfriend was making me uncomfortable on her own, and had already confronted him about it. She's pretty mad about his behavior too. I'm not entirely certain what his reaction was or if it will result in him changing anything, but it feels good to have a friend who's so on my level that she understood what I was feeling and did something about it without me even saying anything.

 

That said, I'm not sure I even feel up to running the big game anymore, I've just got too much on my plate. I got fired from my job after a long history of harassment there and have been trying to get a new one while both having been fired and being trans, among many other things, and then this happens and I just don't think I can hold things together for that long, especially if this guy is there. But if I cancel, everyone will be disappointed, and will have made scheduling and travel arrangements for nothing. *Sigh*. I might just see if we can hang out somewhere else that day, minus the boyfriend, and play something that's not so demanding of me.

 

Additionally, the more this eats away at me and the more people it keeps drawing in, the more I'm wondering if being in a relationship with this guy is healthy for my friend... I mean, I didn't mention this, but she actually got really mad at him and got into a heated argument during this last game day over him bossing her around during a game, and then blaming her when the strategy he suggested didn't pan out. She's repeatedly asked him, in front of the rest of the group, to stop doing this, and he just refuses and argues with her every time. And I don't think I've ever seen them consistently happy with each other for longer than a couple hours, they always end up fighting over something that's his fault or that he instigated when he shouldn't have, or he's berating her for something trivial like picking up the wrong brand of a food at the store. And one of the first things she texted me today during our discussion was "This is how he is with me. I don't really know what to say. [Boyfriend's] kind of a [censored]... I've just gotten used to it. If you don't want to hang out with him I totally understand." I mean, Jesus, I've tried to avoid judging their relationship as an outsider who only sees a small part of their time together, but if she's this quick to call him a... uh... jerk-hole, and say she's just "gotten used to it", and she seems somewhere between mildly irritated to hopping mad every time I've ever seen them together, what positive relationship could they possibly have? Is she just with him because they've gotten a house together and she's financially dependant on him, and breaking up with him would essentially be a full-on divorce at this point? I mean, geez, I certainly don't want to insert myself into someone else's relationship drama, but this just gets more disturbing the deeper I get involved.

[Jackie C.]

While you don't want to sink into someone's relationship drama... which is a good instinct, the Drama Llama is NOT your friend... you still want your friend to be happy. On the other hand, the relationship won't end until one or both parties end it. Hopefully, that will be the abused party saying that she's had enough and leaving him.

Unfortunately, a lot of gamers are misogynistic ass-jackals. (Can I say "ass-jackal?" Mods, please don't smite me.) There are a lot of really sweet ones too but the community is prime for people with unfortunate views about women. All you can really do is support your friend and hope she gets out of the bad relationship or that things improve. Maybe make it clear that she can crash on your couch if she needs to.

 

I'm sorry you don't feel enthusiastic about your Twilight Imperium game though. I really wanted to hear about how it went. Still, plenty of good games out there. The groups I've been part of usually default to Munchkin. That's a real no-brainer.

 

Hugs!

[Lucca]

The tricky thing is that the boyfriend's mistreatment of me is apparently the exact same way he treats her, so me taking a stand about how he treats me is almost the same thing as me making a comment on the quality of their relationship, especially since my friend has already conflated the two of her own volition. And all of our other friends are inadvertantly involved because if I break our normal routine and cut off all contact with the boyfriend for at least a couple weeks, everyone will be aware of why I'm doing that. This has the potential to really blow up quickly.

[ShawnaLeigh]

Personally I feel you did the right thing and I agree it was fantastic for your girl friend to recognize this and say something to her boyfriend.  As far as going forward that is always a fork in the road for us all.  Do this and get that, or do that and get this.  You have to decided which is the better, or not the worse, choice.  Its tough I know.

If you are having that much trouble with your personal life and employment I would not get myself involved in anything that others would need to depend on you for at this time.  That's just me though.  Most people understand life has pitfalls, trans or not, and sometimes you just cant take on more.  

 

[Jackie C.]

Of course, you could also learn that everybody else is putting up with the... oh, let's go with ass-pole (cool points if you remember who said that first)... for your friend's sake too. I get it though. Game groups are fragile and precious things. In general, most of you are probably non-confrontational. I'm just afraid that when this guy figures that out, he's going to stomp all over all of you. Even so, your friend talked to him. Maybe he'll settle down for a while.

Still, I'm not in the middle of it. I'd invite you to my group if you lived closer. The thing to remember is that your hobby is about having fun. If you're not having fun, you need to be doing something else, or doing it with other people. Don't sweat it, we all have trouble with that one sometimes.

 

Hugs!

[Lucca]

Sooooo, um, I texted my friend to say that I was not coming to the game day that was planned at her house today because I wanted to avoid the boyfriend for a bit, she said she understood. (She was the one who first suggested it, after all.) I asked if I could call her to talk vocally because I had so much on my mind in the wake of all this (not an unusual thing for us, she's been a sympathetic ear throughout my transition so far), and she said she was busy that day between work and her play rehearsal. I suggested we talk the next day (today), she said that that was fine because she was off the whole day. (Honestly, I wanted to check that she was ok, too.) I then texted the group to let me know I wasn't coming today, I just said "something's come up", and then they reformed their plans with each other for that day, with them still going to my friend's house that day to play games with her and her boyfriend.

 

This morning, I was expecting her to call me some time before everyone was showing up at her house, or text that she was available. She never did, so I sent her a reminder text in the evening to let me know when she was available. Still no response now, at midnight. So, at this point, not really sure what's going on, or if the situation has escalated. Maybe it's nothing, maybe the boyfriend got the hint that he's been acting like a jerk, he's acting nicer now, everyone's happy, they had a fun game night, and my friend just forgot to message or call me back.

 

On the other hand, it's a little weird that she hasn't contacted me at all... I can't help but worry that things may have gotten worse between her and her boyfriend, and maybe she's avoiding calling me because she doesn't know what to say. Another thing I'm wondering now is if the boyfriend is jealous of me or something... I mean, I spend a lot of time with her when he's not around, sometimes with just the two of us, and we've gotten very close in just the last few months. We shop together, we go to bars and trivia nights together, we watch TV together during the long periods when he's away on business, she's chosen to spend time with me and her other female friends over spending time with him before, and he clearly has had problems viewing me as a woman. It certainly wouldn't be the first time a female friend's boyfriend has viewed me as a threat.

 

I reeeaally hope I'm just having an overactive imagination and everything's actually fine, because I by no means want to be in the center of the collapse of my best friend's multi-year relationship. I'm probably going to text someone else who was at her house yesterday just to make sure if things seemed fine while they were there...

[Jackie C.]

It's probably fine. Something likely just came up, or she fell ill or something... But yeah, check up on her to be sure. Lots of things can happen and you'll be chasing your tail wondering, "What if?" until you know she's safe. You won't be any good to anyone once you've worked yourself into a frothing worry.

 

Maybe she thought you were going to talk on Sunday (today). Hopefully.

 

Best of luck sweetie. I hope everything turns out OK.

 

Hugs!

[Lucca]

Well... ?

 

Still no phone call, but we did text, I asked if she had been ok since I hadn't heard from her, and said that the reason I wanted to call is that I wanted to check that I wasn't causing too much friction between her and her boyfriend. She said "No worries", then immediately pressured me in to not cancelling Twilight Imperium. I responded that I just didn't feel up to it and I did not want have any contact with the boyfriend for a month or so. (Something that she had suggested way before I even considered it, and that she said she would support me on if I chose to do so.) She then said that this was really awkward for her, and the "only reason" she has me and our other friends over to her house is to play games with the boyfriend, since he likes board games so much. She firmly stated that she was not going to dump her boyfriend (not something I ever suggested), that I was dwelling on this too much, and that it was "not fun" for her for me to tell her how much I don't like her partner.

 

I sent her a message back pointing out that she's the one who called him a "[bad word]" of her own volition and said she'd understand if I didn't want to spend time with him right after I had aired my first grievance. I pointed out that I had wanted to talk to her on a call in order to make sure I got a good read on the situation and things weren't getting out of hand, but that despite making plans to do so, she never called me. I asked if she had been intentionally avoiding me, and she said that yes, she had been intentionally avoiding me.

 

I told her that it was a pretty dramatic statement for her to come out so strongly against her boyfriend right out of the gate, and that it wasn't fair for her to then resent me for acting on the suggestions she gave. I said that the entire reason I'm trying to have this conversation is because I'm afraid she's resenting me because I'm causing trouble between her and her boyfriend. I also called her out on the fact that she literally just said that the only reason she invites any of our friends over to her house is because the boyfriend likes to play games with us. Since this was the most galling thing to me that she had said at this point, I was really hoping she'd take it back. Instead, she replied to all of this with just one sentence: "I wouldn't play games if it weren't for [boyfriend]."

 

At this point, I launched into all my problems with how she's treating me, pointing out that she lied to me about how much this was bothering her, lied to me about her willingness to talk about it, made plans to talk to me about it that she completely ignored, resents me for taking the advice she gave me, pressured and guilted me into un-cancelling the Twilight Imperium event after I made it clear I didn't want to, is constantly fighting with her boyfriend in front of others and expects us to not say anything about it and act like nothing happened, and worst of all, basically just said that our friendship means nothing and she was only friends with me so she could have me hang out with her boyfriend. She responded to this by saying that I was being immature and "high school" about the situation, and she didn't want to talk about it any more, and I should talk to the boyfriend about my problems with him instead. Well, sure, but at this point my issues with the boyfriend are peanuts in comparison! One of the things I wanted to vocally talk about very early on during this was if she was comfortable confronting her boyfriend about this or if she wanted me to talk to him myself, but she flat out refused to talk to me, apparently just taking offense the moment I first opened my mouth and not wanting to discuss the situation any more.

 

I think our friendship is over. How on Earth did it turn up like this? This was my first friend I came out to, the one who went shopping with me so I'd feel safe and didn't have to go alone, the one who offered to scout out bathrooms for me, the one who helped me with hair and makeup, the one who went out of her way to make sure I was included the group's "girls nights", the one who said I could talk to her about anything that was bothering me. I've never opened myself up to being more vulnerable to anyone else in my life. And now it's all unravelled in the course of four days because her boyfriend was making me uncomfortable? Was she even actually friends with me in the first place? I gave her two clear chances to recant on that awful "the only reason I invite you guys over is to play games with my boyfriend" statement, and she doubled down on it both times. I mean, Jesus Christ. What am I to do now? Never make another friend because they'll all stab me in the back?

[ToniTone]

How long has she been with this bf? I'd say either she's starting to show some true colors/she's toxic herself, or she is starting to take on some of her bf's toxic traits. OR, after confronting her bf, he manipulated her into insisting she keeps the game night and making you out to be the antagonist.

 

He sounds childish and like kind of a jerk. And it sounds like she's taking on these qualities. It seems like she puts up with him because she doesn't want to be alone, and like she's being manipulated. She might have to learn it the hard way... 

[Lucca]

I talked to another mutual game night friend about this, and she mostly declined to comment on it much, but suggested my comments about the boyfriend's behavior were too strong, and they implied that I thought my friend was in an abusive relationship, and that's why my friend didn't take it well. Well, sorry, but how the heck else was I supposed to approach this?

 

I don't see how I could have possibly given an explanation for why I'm stressed about the boyfriend's behavior that doesn't imply "he's abusive", even if I do genuinely think "abuse" is too strong a word here. My problem with him is literally "he's a jerk who treats everyone poorly, including his girlfriend." That's why I want to either avoid him or obtain help in trying to curb his behavior, and there's no avoiding that. That's why I put up with him without saying anything for so long, because I thought everything would fall apart if I did, and it's why my anxiety over the situation had been steadily increasing until I had to do something for my own sake.

 

I'm being told by both friends that I should have just talked to the boyfriend directly about it, but how on Earth would that have gone down? He would have just received the same "I think you're a jerk" message that everyone else has received, and I'd just be in the same place I am anyway for insulting their relationship, or making it look like I'm "dwelling on it too much". And now they're insisting that I need to talk to the boyfriend about it now, even though I've tried to explain that my main problem is now with my friend.

 

And the constant minimizing of my feelings! These people both know I have very bad anxiety, and little things can really bother me sometimes. I can't just turn it off and stop caring about any of this because people are telling me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I tried that already, all the months I didn't say anything.

 

It seems I just lost all of my closest friends in one fell swoop. What the heck do I do now? Should I even try to make up? Is that even possible? If by some miracle they apologize later, should I even accept an apology? Should I try to contact the one remaining friend from the group I haven't spoken to and see if she even wants to talk to me? The original friend is already mad that I've spoken to the second friend about this. I'm just in absolute shock that my life has fallen apart so fast. This was the entirety of my transition support circle, and the best friends I've ever had in my life. I'm not being unreasonable for thinking this is absurd, am I?

 

God, I have got to make some real life trans friends my age...

[Lucca]

Oh yeah, and to answer Toni's question, they've been together four years, I think? Long before I met either of them.

[ToniTone]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this anxiety. Your friends should value your feelings. If you felt antagonized you are right to stand up for yourself, you have the right to respect and to feel comfortable amongst your friends. I think you need to evaluate how much these people care about you, and if it's bad enough whether it is the kind of friendship you want to have. Think on it calmly, don't make a decision from anxiety though... 

[The Viv Element]

Honestly, I'm really sorry you had to go through all of this & it sucks because i know what it feels like when you end up in the middle of your bestfriends relationship... like i could almost relate to your 90% of your story, Except in my case, they actually broke up & that was 6 years ago... I still feel freaking guilty even though it was actually both of their faults for not making it up to each other, etc, its because i saw my bestfriend grow without that significant other and it was not fun. My advice might be crappy but I would say to just move on and be happy you didn't break up anything and feel guilty like me for this long lol. Don't waste your life with someone who doesn't respect you the same way you respect them. I hope you unload everything that's on your plate!

"The world can change with a single thought"  - this is something i live by because our minds are so powerful, its like looking at the world with a new set of eyes 

[Lucca]

Ok, so, some time has passed, I've talked to my therapist about it, I've talked to a second mutual friend about it, I've heard from that friend that the original friend knows she screwed up and is interested in making up after we cool off, so I've gotten support, and the situation isn't necessarily irreperable. I told my therapist basically everything above and more, and she thought I was pretty well within my rightful boundaries to do what I did, and the second mutual friend let me cry on her couch and still wants to be friends with me. So, it still sucks, but panic mode over.

[Jackie C.]

Fantastic on both counts! I'm glad you can salvage the friendship. I'm also happy that you've dropped out of panic mode. Running around in circles like your hair is on fire isn't fun and rarely helps.

 

I'm glad game day isn't ruined forever. That would be awful.

 

Hugs!

[Lucca]

Ok, so, I've talked about this on PM some, but for everyone else, my relationship with this friend is totally kaput now. I waited a couple weeks of no contact and then called her to talk, she started things off by saying that she forgave me because she assumed my hormone medication was making me unreasonable (which I do not believe is a fair assessment of the situation). Not really a great thing to say to a trans person, it's kind of like telling a cis woman with a personal grievance "you're being totally crazy, but it's ok because I assume you're on your period." She tried to claim some kind of enlightened, insider knowledge on gender transition and how crazy it makes people because she had been friends with another trans person in the past. This really threw me for a loop and I wasn't very collected the rest of the call, it was obvious I was getting choked up or crying and trying to power through it. She refused to talk about anything and just wanted to "move forward" and make plans for the immediate future without actually addressing anything. I forced the issue and she eventually apologized but was obviously very irritated and really didn't want to.

 

I called her the next day when I had regained my composure and told her in no uncertain terms that we can forgive and forget and agree to disagree on all the past stuff, but she cannot blame either my past behavior or any future behavior on these nonsense hormone issues she's making up. She got so mad when I said this that she was literally yelling at me over the phone within minutes, shouting about how I wasn't in my right mind because I was hormonal. So that's over!

 

Jesus Christ, what a nutcase. I am not wasting any more time with someone who thinks I'm a mental invalid who can't advocate for myself. I mean, HRT can cause mood swings in the early stages, but it's usually relatively minor. I doesn't cause people to lose their mind and do and say things that are entirely out of character that they don't mean, which is basically what she wanted me to admit to, to say "yeah, I was crazy 'cuz of the hormones, you were right about everything." My god, I've never been more insulted and talked down to in my life. Good riddance.

[Lucca]

I'm trying to get over losing this friend, but weeks later, I'm still really depressed about it. Pretty much everyone I've talked to about her, anywhere, say she's toxic and I'm better off without her, but I just don't understand how someone could be so supportive and helpful and friendly and listen sympathetically to all of my other problems, and then dropkick me like this and just call my problems stupid and accuse me of being "hormonal" the second they're a bit inconvenient, in favor of someone that they were getting into public fights with every time I saw them together. How am I supposed to trust anyone?

 

 

[The Viv Element]

3 hours ago, Lucca said:

I'm trying to get over losing this friend, but weeks later, I'm still really depressed about it. Pretty much everyone I've talked to about her, anywhere, say she's toxic and I'm better off without her, but I just don't understand how someone could be so supportive and helpful and friendly and listen sympathetically to all of my other problems, and then dropkick me like this and just call my problems stupid and accuse me of being "hormonal" the second they're a bit inconvenient, in favor of someone that they were getting into public fights with every time I saw them together. How am I supposed to trust anyone?

 

 

 

Think of it this way, You've been treating her like a human being right? She's been treating you like a mental-case transgender so she basically assumed that everyone who is a trans has the same story & struggles when she said her experiences with another transgender in the past 'validates' her 'judgement' about you does NOT mean she knows more or if even, ANYTHING at all... You are a whole different person with a different set of struggles and traits and flaws and perfection, and this is where i get to my point for trusting others, You have to set different levels of trust basically, If someone makes you feel safe enough to trust them, try to get involved with those people more, but if they give you a hard time when you're just trying to be happy then zone those people out and stop making an effort to be involved with those people whatsoever this might be NSFW but i'm a pretty big masochist and depression is my favorite type of pain so whenever I feel depressed, I remind myself i'm only feeling more humane and stronger mentally.  I know how that sounds but don't worry I still love life and all that it gives!! Feel free to PM me anytime you need a ventilation system or even a distraction from something ❤️ 

[CodePoetSarah]

In Deborah Tannen's book "You just don't understand" where she talks about communication between genders. (Side note it's a great read and for me confirmed my gender identity) She talked about the idea of men being one-up, one-down in how they talk to each other. Women empathise with each other, wheras men feel a pecking order. For example: Two women: one says I have a headache. The other says "I get bad headaches too" we empathise. The same conversation with men would be "wow, so you think your headaches are worse than mine!, it's all about you" for them it's a pecking order

 

So your reaction clearly shows you are a woman as it bothers you and you empathise with his gf. Even though he says he's fine with your transition, he still reacts to you as another guy. He's approaching situations as to how it affects him and his standing. eg: I am losing at a game, it must be someone elses fault.

 

It's hard as there's no solution (unless he gets some therapy), when it happens to me it annoys the hell out of me. It shows that even though someone says they see me as female, they unconsciously react to me as a male. My father in-law does it all the time.