Just looking for some advice

[~Eli~]

Okay, so. I was born a woman and was always hanging out with the guys, never really fit in well with other girls, only once in a while. I was around 9 when I first started noticing that I was attracted to both girls and boys. However, I have a very religious family, so for the most part, I have only ever been in straight relationships.

I have never been comfortable in my own body, but I have only seriously been questioning whether or not I'm trans over the last couple years. It's been really eating at me, because my family barely accepts my bisexuality, and I think that's mainly because they can still see me getting married to a man, having kids, etc.

 

I have always felt like I would be more comfortable if I had a man's body, if others could see me as a man. But I also just get so caught up thinking about everyone else's feelings and everything. 

I know that their opinion doesn't necessarily matter, but our parents are gone, and I just hate the idea of disappointing her.  I'm in a straight relationship and we have been together for a while and I don't want to ruin our relationship, but I also know it's not fair to either of us to not be honest with him.

I also think transitioning absolutely terrifies me. I'm also worried that I could literally spend my entire life being unhappy if it meant everyone else was able to be happy, which definitely isn't fair to me. I know I would be happier, but it's still so hard to start taking the steps. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or anything? I don't really have anyone that I can confidently talk to about any of this, and it has just been eating at me. Thanks, everyone!

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Eli, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  Your questions, concerns and fears are the same as many of us have felt.  There is no one-size-fits-all answer.  Everyone's path is different.  You are correct in that trying to please everyone else but not yourself is no solution, and is a path to misery and pain.  It is also true that guilt over what our own choices have on others is real and equally painful.  Those of us who have, or had families were especially torn by guilt.  Transition is almost never without some pain, anguish, guilt and loss.  Only the lucky few escape that.

 

Those are the reasons why most of us have gone through therapy and recommend it to others.  It's important to understand yourself before you can ask those around you to understand and support you.  A gender therapist can help you achieve that understanding.  So that's my bit of advice, Eli.  If you are in a position to find and talk with a G.T., that is your best path forward, IMO.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome Eli.

   As Carolyn Marie mentioned spending some time with a gender therapist helped me immensely.  I spent 40+ years married to a wonderful woman who had no desire to live with another woman.  I went to my therapist and over time found a path to comfort and realization of myself as i've always been despite hiding.  We have survived the difficulty of transition, are having what i think is the best life we have ever had together and this spring will celebrate 49 years of marriage.  It took time, tears and pain but i have been fortunate.  I hope you can find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[~Eli~]

Thanks everyone! I've spent a little time looking for a good G.T. I know that's definitely something I need to do. It's been a bit difficult, due to the fact that I live in a pretty southern U.S. state, but I'm going to spend a some time doing research and hopefully I'll find someone! I really appreciate all your help. 

[Jackie C.]

Salutations Eli!

 

Your experience is similar to what the rest of us dealt with growing up. Not always the religious overtones, but usually there's one or more people or groups putting pressure on us to conform to some expected role or another. Unfortunately, if you're trans conforming just leads to more problems down the line. In my case it was pretty severe depression. You don't want to go there.

 

Like Carolyn said, you should probably find a gender therapist. Even in the southern states, things aren't usually that bad in the big cities. You don't mention which southern state, but a dear friend of mine is active in the trans community around Virginia, close to DC.

 

Your guy friend... that's probably going to be trouble. Guys in the US have a lot of social programming telling them that being gay is the worst thing that could possibly happen to them. Your guy might be able to get over that, but then again he might not. It's not fair to him to string him along though, so if you decide that you want to transition, he should know right after your gender therapist. Tell him remotely (phone call or something) if you think he might respond with violence. It's important for you to be safe.

 

In the meantime, you can always talk to us. 

 

Hugs!