Well, it's really true

[Belle]

I finally got in touch with my true self last night. Until then I've been at the 95% confidence mark based on things I have read here and elsewhere.

 

I'm really a woman (and I no longer feel crazy saying that). As of last night I now have bad body dysphoria. If you want to read details here is a link to the story that's too long to explain here.

 

But I have a question for others here: has anyone started out their journey suspecting you were trans but hadn't yet truly felt like a woman (or man) inside, then suddenly you discovered the real you that you had been suppressing your entire life?

 

Love, 

Belle ❤️

[Jackie C.]

Goodness. I read your article on Medium. While I knew when I was about three (that's when I started putting my underwear on backwards to pretend I was a girl), I can only imagine what a breakthrough revelation like that must feel like.

 

Also, a pound of fat is 3500 calories. That must have been a lot of ice cream and the brownie must have been huge.

 

As an aside, I haven't used my "boy part" in sex for quite a few years now. There's plenty you can do to please a woman without it.

 

Hugs!

[TommieAnne]

Belle, I was unsure until I started digging around through myself and memories, finally connecting the dots: I'm female inside, just unclear how female we can get the outside to be yet.

Got to go off now and read your link.

TA

[TommieAnne]

Nice article Belle. Very well written. Thank you for sharing.

[Belle]

Thank you TammyAnne

[Belle]

Also, if you are confused with the vision I linked to the explanation near the beginning of the article when I talk about the boy.

[JoniSteph]

@Belle beautifully done and well expressed, I congratulate you with your words. Wish I could express myself even half as well. 

 

Big HUGS

 

JoniSteph

 

[Belle]

6 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Goodness. I read your article on Medium. While I knew when I was about three (that's when I started putting my underwear on backwards to pretend I was a girl), I can only imagine what a breakthrough revelation like that must feel like.

It's earth-shattering. I told my GT today that I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff with nothing but darkness in front of me. And I never thought about turning my underwear backwards... thank you Jackie! That might actually help since I still have no proper clothing.

 

6 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Also, a pound of fat is 3500 calories. That must have been a lot of ice cream and the brownie must have been huge.

Well, if the weight of the helping was 0.1 pounds or more then it would have made a difference on the scale. And when it comes to body weight have you ever heard of a woman who was actually rational?

 

6 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

As an aside, I haven't used my "boy part" in sex for quite a few years now. There's plenty you can do to please a woman without it.

But I suppose your wife accepts she can't have it. Mine doesn't. It's one small part of the entire conflict.

[Belle]

4 hours ago, JoniSteph said:

@Belle beautifully done and well expressed, I congratulate you with your words. Wish I could express myself even half as well. 

 

Big HUGS

 

JoniSteph

 

You're so sweet @JoniSteph! It is nice to be affirmed.

 

Belle ❤️ 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Belle I was finally able to read your story and it feels so familiar to me.  Its was well written and I felt it in my heart.  I have thought the same things and had all the same questions in the recent months leading up to me finally starting to come out.  I am now feeling all the wrongness of seeing a male body and face in the mirror.  Of having to shave my face.  Im still having to dress as one.  It feels like a sentence now.   It is so foreign to me now and it is not the person I see in my minds eye. 

I feel love for my wife too but not sure how or what it is anymore.  Its there but different.   I questioned if I was falling out of love with her at times but I know I am still attracted to her.  I know I do not want to lose what we have but know it can not go further by her wishes.  My heart aches over the inevitable.  I grasp at what friendship I can have with her and see glimpse of love and the women I married.  But it feels like it is melting away slowly to reveal something else I can not quite see yet.  

I feel the guilt of laying this on her after promising her to be a husband to her for as long as I live.  I've made those promises before and was cast away.  Yes I can still be a good spouse but it is not a good husband and what she signed up for.   It is not what she desired in the long run and I respect that.  Our sex life is over I know.  She told me as much.  The first steps towards being "just friends" I suppose.  Its not sad as I do not feel the drives I use to for her or anyone right now really.  I feel a happiness over her friendship and support but I miss the human contact we shared.  I am afraid to even touch her now no less hug her.  

I feel alone in a crowded room type of feeling at times.  

I convince myself I am strong and that I have done this all before.  I have loved deeply and lost it all and I am growing numb to it in a sense but coupled with my transgender journey I am afraid to be alone forever.  Its silly to say as I have a whole unexplored world out before me now.  Its is scary but alluring all the same.

 

I still question myself in the dark of the night.  Then I cry.

 

 

[KymmieL]

14 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

As an aside, I haven't used my "boy part" in sex for quite a few years now. There's plenty you can do to please a woman without it.

 

Hugs!

 

Not according to my wife. Only thing with her is penetration.

 

That aside. Belle. Very familiar in site. I too had dismissed the girl inside for a long time. Finally putting the fragments together and realizing what has been there all along. I too am a woman.

 

Kymmie

[TTheta]

Not sure if this is on topic completely, but before I started to transition I never really felt whole, like something was missing. My body felt like it was on autopilot I didn't feel like I was completely there. Once I started transitioning and people called me Aidan and the right pronoun it made me feel so much better and I felt whole and wholesome haha.   

[Jackie C.]

3 hours ago, KymmieL said:

 

Not according to my wife. Only thing with her is penetration.

 

 

Well if THAT's the only problem Kymmie, I've got one in my night-stand. It was about $20. I would say your wife lacks imagination.

 

Seriously though, at this stage of my transition it would take a LOT of coaxing if I could manage the deed at all. I will say though that on HRT, our bodies feel more in-synch when we're being intimate. There's more touching and caressing and it's easier for me to hear what her body's telling me. We both agree that sex is much better since I've been transitioning which are not words I'd have expected to say, but it's true.

 

12 hours ago, Belle said:

Well, if the weight of the helping was 0.1 pounds or more then it would have made a difference on the scale. And when it comes to body weight have you ever heard of a woman who was actually rational?

 

Oh Goddess no. I'm obsessive about my weight. I might relax a little after my GCS, but my friend Rey said she'd be happy to help me whip myself back into shape. Rey looks amazing, so I'm happy to take her up on it. She also promised to teach me how to dance in heels. I'm less thrilled about that. I'm probably going to break my neck.

 

58 minutes ago, Aidan5 said:

Not sure if this is on topic completely, but before I started to transition I never really felt whole, like something was missing. My body felt like it was on autopilot I didn't feel like I was completely there. Once I started transitioning and people called me Aidan and the right pronoun it made me feel so much better and I felt whole and wholesome

 

I think this is pretty common. I don't feel like myself as a guy and it's really easy for me to slip deep into depression. HRT was the most amazing thing ever. With E in my body, I come alive and I can actually think and feel. Before, I was just numb and counting down days to the end. It still gives me a thrill when somebody just treats me like one of the girls. I get a physical jolt whenever I see my dead name, but I have to say I love telling people, "There's no such person," when they ask for my old name on the phone.

 

Hugs!

[A. Dillon]

I feel like it is really the hindsight 20/20 effect at its strongest. I mean, I distinctly remember that after I found out that guys have an Adam's apple, I would check everyday to see when I was going to have mine come out. Once it hit me that it never would, I was pretty sad. This is when I was 7 years old. Plus, I can't even say or type the "monthly" thing because of how much it truly shakes me inside. The first time I thought it happened, I literally just started crying. I never used any sort of product for it because of how terrible it made me feel to even imagine asking my mom, so I just ended up crying at school when I was wearing 4 pairs of underwear and two pairs of pants. I even considered cutting my thighs so that I could blame it on that. I would stand in the mirror and feel ugly, and not enough of a man (I always wished that people would see me in a man's role and even asked my dad to treat me like his son). I thought in my head that maybe I would have the testosterone kick in at some point, and that kept me going.

 

The thing that really finally clicked for me though was when I went to see Laverne Cox. She was talking about when she realized that she was trans, and how she wanted all of these female features, while the whole time all I could think "who would ever want to be female?" Later, when I was identifying as non-binary, I rememberedthat and knew that I was really a boy. Now, while I am still pretty shaky, I feel like I am trying to let the world know me instead of hiding for my life.

[Jackie C.]

There's some truth to that. There are always a lot of little things that we don't "add up" in our heads while we're suffering through them that are glaringly obvious in hindsight.

 

Also, I just want to give Dillon a hug and bake him cookies until he feels better.

 

Hugs!

[Sally Stone]

Belle, I will read your article shortly, it sounds wonderful, but I wanted to be sure to chime in about feeling like a woman on the inside.

 

Even though it may be hard to deal with a body that defies how we feel inside it is so very important to try not to stress over it.  My liberation came the moment I shed the concern and worry about what others might be thinking.  As social animals we are so motivated by the desire to fit in, and when we don't, it affects us in a very negative way.  I know I am a woman on the inside, so, how I appear outwardly is secondary.  I know it can be difficult, but we need to let go of the worry that we aren't feminine or masculine enough.  Try not to get caught up in someone else's image of femininity or masculinity.  Instead, we must celebrate our feelings inside, that is the true measure our true gender anyway.

 

I can remember stressing over my Adams Apple, because it was such a masculine physical characteristic.  I used to always wear turtle necks or chokers to hide it.  But it was part of me, and it didn't diminish how I felt on the inside. When I let go of that overpowering desire to "pass," the world opened up to me, and I began living freely and proudly.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally  

[A. Dillon]

4 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Also, I just want to give Dillon a hug and bake him cookies until he feels better.

 

Thank you so much for the support! I actually love baking myself some sadness cookies...

[Belle]

These are helpful responses! It's good to know I'm not an outlier within this group of outliers.

 

@Sally Stone I have been puzzling over the exact thing you are talking about. My wife has called me on this several times and other articles/blogs I've read have caused me to think about it also.

 

I have been thinking that if I am a woman inside what is it that makes me want physical congruence? Why can't I just be content in this body? Why do I want to wear dresses and makeup? Those are cultural. I think it's because my brain is wired to want to consider myself beautiful. And what is beautiful is something we grow to understand largely based on our experiences. Just a theory. It satisfies the cognitive dissonance for now.

[Susan R]

On 1/6/2020 at 3:05 PM, Belle said:

has anyone started out their journey suspecting you were trans but hadn't yet truly felt like a woman (or man) inside, then suddenly you discovered the real you that you had been suppressing your entire life?

Awesome article Belle.  You express many feeling we all have struggled with all our lives.  Personally, I felt like a girl from age 4. My sisters dressed me up in their clothes and included me in their playtime. It was a glorious time in my memories.  My brother was only 3 and was not as much fun at that age.  My sisters had all the wonderful toys and clothes.  Twice in my life, I suppressed my femininity for long periods of time...from age 4 until age 11 (at the command of my mother) and then again from age 34 until age 56 (by choice..to marry my now affirming wife).  I had always suspected I was trans but thought I could overcome and control “it”.  I misunderstood what “it” was.  I didn’t fully accept “it” until a series of events from the end of 2017 through mid-2018 changed my whole paradigm.  It’s hard for me to even say when my journey really started.  I guess every little stage leads us one step closer...or it doesn’t.

 

Thanks for the great read, Belle!

Susan R?

[Belle]

@Markjvp, I understand the confusion. It is possible you are not and possible you are. The most important thing is to figure out who you are. And that doesn't happen overnight. In some ways it is a lifelong process.

 

For me, I have suspected since the moment I accepted that I like that part of me that wants to be female. My entire life I have hated myself for it and feared anyone knowing that about me. Since I made that change the discovery has been accelerating. I have been doing a lot of self reflection. Writing helps me with that.

 

The story that I linked to is the moment I actually got in touch with my true identity. That was a few days ago and it confirmed what I already pretty much knew. Everything fell into place for me.

 

That said, I have fallen out of touch with myself since then. I feel like my false, learned self (male) has been continuing to assert its dominance. It's just like males to do that isn't it?? Also, it has a lot to do with the social pressures around me. It's hard not to fall back on what is safe.

 

So if you just keep exploring yourself you will be okay. Try not to force it, but be brave when you need to be.

 

Belle ❤️

 

[Belle]

10 hours ago, Susan R said:

Awesome article Belle.  You express many feeling we all have struggled with all our lives.  Personally, I felt like a girl from age 4.

It wasn't as clear to me but I had almost exclusively girl peers. I have my entire life, but did have some (beta-type) male friends also. As a child and preteen I identified with my mother. I talked about that in another article. But with an alcoholic narcissist for a father I never had a chance to find out who I was. As a teen and older I was whoever I needed to be to fit in.

 

10 hours ago, Susan R said:

My sisters dressed me up in their clothes and included me in their playtime. It was a glorious time in my memories.  My brother was only 3 and was not as much fun at that age.  My sisters had all the wonderful toys and clothes.

Me too. I liked it when they (my sister and cousin and their friends) did that. They did it to my younger brother too and he hated it.

 

10 hours ago, Susan R said:

Twice in my life, I suppressed my femininity for long periods of time...

I started suppressing it once I realized there was a "problem" with boys and girls being like the opposite sex. I feel like I'm just now learning who I am in my early forties after a lifetime of transphobia/self-hate. It is both traumatic and wonderful.

 

Belle ❤️