Really confused?! Questioning in my late 20s.

[Sammy92]

Hi everybody,

I've been lurking around Forums for a while and tried to read up on other people's experiences with figuring out their gender identity. I turned 27 last year and started questioning shortly before my birthday and since then everything just seems so much clearer to me, but still I have a lot of doubts and am very confused. I already made an appointment with a therapist and I hope that will help me, but that's only in 2 months and every night I just keep lying awake and my mind is racing. I guess I am just gonna write out my story and maybe some people will recognize themselves or have similar experiences? Here it goes!

 

So the reason I started questioning was that I saw an ad on my computer for a binder, no idea why it was shown to me, but it just popped up. I've been struggling with my chest ever since I can remember, constantly buying new minimizing bras, always on the look out for the one bra that will make my chest really small or unnoticeable, but since I have D cups that never really worked and so I just stumble through life uncomfortable, especially in the summers. My mum once told me she thinks I have a trauma because when puberty started I couldn't handle my body changing so fast and girls making fun of me (probably were jealous, now that I think about it) about my breasts. My red threat was that I always planned on getting breast reduction surgery, once I earn enough money, but so far that hasn't happened. 

I guess I just kind of accepted that I am just uncomfortable with my bodyshape and that I need to learn to love myself and I really tried!! I am really fit and I know I have an objectively great body, but even though I know that, there are moments where I just feel so disconnected to my body and feel uncomfortable as soon as people say something about my female attributes. 

The one thing that stands out to me and which is my biggest concern, is dating and being intimate. When I was about 11/12 I had a couple of friends that I role played with and with that one girl we were basically high school students who fell in love with each other. We got pretty intimate and I remember I didn't mind it and actually kinda liked it, but what I recently realized is that I always played a boy!

I guess that looking back I could call it my first sexual encounter. AND MY LAST! After puberty, every time I dated someone and felt like I wanted to get close to them, I just get this super uncomfortable feeling like they are not really looking at my body and they couldn't possibly like me. I feel disconnected to myself in these situations and don't want to imagine myself (in my body) having sex. I thought I am asexual for the longest time, so I wouldn't have to deal with it and just accepted that I'd always feel like. But I started dating this girl, who is also asexual, 6 months ago and even though we don't have sex or get intimate too much and I do really like her, I still get this feeling about my body and feel wrong when people talk about us being girlfriends. So I just decided that this is the year I finally figure out whats going on, because I owe it to myself to have a chance to live my best life, and up till now I just feel like I've been living half a life and wasted a lot of time.

I also noticed that I escape a lot from ordinary life, I am sometimes unable to get out of bed and just don't want to live my life, so I just read A LOT! I also daydream a lot about several universes I created in my head (does anyone do this or am I just weird??) and I realized that I am always dreaming in the POV of men. 

So I guess, I am just super confused!!! There are a lot of signs that make me feel like I am not cis, but since I've lived like this for 27 years I feel like I am just imagining things and just need to get over my body issues, which is what people have been telling me forever!!!

 

Sorry for the super long rant! I just needed to get this off my chest.

Sam :)

[TommieAnne]

Hi Sammy92! Welcome!

I think lots of us struggle and flip flop around as we start to come to terms with ourselves, so you're really not alone in that. Take your time, things will make sense as you work on yourself.

Life is about the journey, not the destination!

TA

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Sam,

Your doubts and confusion are very normal. We are told by society to be one thing our entire lives, made to think that it's the "norm". So when we really start to acknowledge our trans feelings, that's outside the "norm" that we've been taught, and we get confused and begin to doubt our feelings. It often causes us to try to live society's view of reality for much of our lives. But it's not society's reality we have to live, it's the reality within ourselves that we must folllow.

 

I'm glad to see you have made a therapy appointment. A gender therapist can help guide you through your process of self discovery. And I'm glad you came here. One way not to take your journey is alone. We are here for eachother.

 

Lots of love, 

Timber Wolf ?

[Jackie C.]

8 hours ago, Sammy92 said:

I also noticed that I escape a lot from ordinary life, I am sometimes unable to get out of bed and just don't want to live my life, so I just read A LOT! I also daydream a lot about several universes I created in my head (does anyone do this or am I just weird??) and I realized that I am always dreaming in the POV of men. 

 

Well, you're probably weird, but I'm weird too so it's OK. I spend a lot of time creating characters and universes in my head. More of a female POV for me (all my RPG characters were women too), but yeah, I can totally relate.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

You are far from being weird.  Don't listen to Jackie.  (She is weird.  hehehe  Jk Jackie.)

Your story seems fairly familiar and there are many who have been where you are.  I am thankful to hear you have sought out therapy because that is the best advice anyone can give here.  Or was to me.  It is to bad it takes forever for the appointment time and date to show up though.

This forum and therapy has pretty much saved my life.  Made sense of my world and who I am.  Just knowing others have had the same thoughts and issues was a big relief for me.  I'm not alone in feeling the way I do and neither are you.

 

[VickySGV]

If it is Gender Dysphoria, it is not going to go away so you will be surprised how fast 2 months goes by.  As I said it won't go away so for now don't try so hard to quit thinking about it or for that matter invite trouble with the rest of your life.  Don't try to force answers to come or they will leave you curled up in a ball in your bedroom with a bunch of stuff you do not need.  Breathe in and out at your regular rate, and enjoy sunsets and pretty lights that will help you.  You do  not need your answer yesterday.  This message is brought to you by 20 years of experience, 10 of them out and open and 7 years living as nothing but myself in a body that fits me perfectly. (Although  I could stand to lose a few tons.)

[TrIIIy]

Hi, Sammy. I can relate to not knowing where I fall as far as gender and sexuality go. My whole childhood I wanted so badly to be a boy, and when puberty came, I was mortified and ashamed of my body. I also had a bunch of neurological conditions that made my life very difficult, though, so my gender and sexuality were put on the back burner for many years.

 

By the time I got to college, I was finally ready to navigate my identity. I started talking to my therapist about gender dysphoria (which was a new term to me), and I came to the conclusion that I was transgender (also a new term!). I had never known that someone could really be a man in a woman’s body, but it made so much sense to me. Flash forward a few years, and I am on testosterone and using a new name. I’m still not completely sure about my sexuality; but, like you, I just identify as asexual for now. And that’s ok.

 

My point is, you have time to figure all of this stuff out. It’s a long journey, but an affirming one. And you are definitely not alone in feeling the way you do. I hope that your therapy goes well and you find answers.

 

 

- Trey