Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Don't know what to do


DonnaBall

Recommended Posts

I really in a quandary about what to do.  

 

My wife has told me (in anger) that she wants a separation 3 times in the past two months whenever the issue of crossdressing came up, the most recent being about a week ago.  We decided that she should leave.  Each time after she said that I waited for her to start doing things differently,  figuring out her finances, looking for a place to live.  I did not want her to feel like I was pushing her out, so I did not say anything to her. 

 

I feel like I have been in limbo all this time. I'm sure part of it was not wanting to spoil the holidays, but now it's many days past Christmas. 

 

She told me that I have to do the separation agreement and the finances which I completed 4 days ago, and I told her I finished them at that time.  I have been waiting for her to ask me to look at the documents. 

 

Like I said, I don't want her to feel like I am kicking her out but I'm not sure how to proceed.  How long should I be patient before I bring the subject up?

 

Donna

Link to comment
  • Admin

If you have not already done so, I think you need to see a marriage therapist, not to keep the marriage together since it seems to be dead or dying, but to have a third party to help each of you discern what you really intend to do.  It sounds to me that there is either a game going on, or she is legitimately hoping YOU will change your mind or your ways.  It may take filing the separation papers and having them served on her for this to sink in, but I also hope you have an attorney ready to help as well.  Best of luck to both of you.  I am divorced and it did take the actual filing of the papers to get reality to sink in, in my case, my own reality.  

Link to comment

I think you have something there about what her thinking is although I know she loves me and is having a hard time letting go. Since talking about separation we have been doing stuff together as we always have been good buddies hanging out together, as though there are no hard feelings.  Maybe we both want an amicable separation, I know I do, but she is absolutely against any feminine behavior on my part. 

 

She has always had a difficult time talking about herself so talking about our relationship is almost impossible.  I have tried to start a conversation about our situation but it ends real quickly by no response from her. Her family background is they never got mad at each other or talked about their feelings, so in many ways she is similar to some men who can't talk. We communicate more by how we treat each other than by talking. 

 

In Florida, separation agreements are not filed with the court but are just a contract signed by the parties. If the parties can't agree together then you need a divorce where the court decides. 

I will think about getting a marriage counselor but I really would like us to work things out ourselves.  First I would just want her to look at the draft settlement and see if we can agree.  If not then a mediator might be appropriate. 

 

I know I could move things along by  having Donna appear but that would just get her mad.  That might result in a quick agreement by her to get it over with or no agreement at all and then the lawyers get involved but we both hate to spend money on attorneys. 

 

Link to comment

Well I finally brought it up to her a few days ago and she was ready to deal with it, and to my surprise and relief, she was agreeable to everything that I had proposed. 

I think she just wants to get this separation over with so we can stop living together under this cloud. 

It will still take a while though as I need to get a mortgage to keep the condo and pay her the share of our assets and then she will have to find a condo for herself, get a mortgage and close and move out.  That all takes months. 

I can't wait to start living as Donna full time. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I hope when all of this is over, the two of you can still be friends. Maybe she'll like Donna as a BFF once she's had a little time to think.

 

Good luck with the financial stuff too. Susan handles that for us. I'm just awful with money. The whole mortgage thing is not a quick process. Which is weird, you'd think people would want to move on that as quickly as they can. Then again, background checks take time. What can you do?

 

May living as yourself be as fulfilling as your dreams.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Thanks for your advise Jackie. 

I am sure that my wife will not want anything to do with Donna and maybe not even Don. 

The reason we are separating and not divorcing is that it is of great financial advantage for her and me too.  Part of our agreement is to not change our wills and estate documents so whoever dies last gets everything back if we stay married. 

Her grandmother and mother had dementia so I want to be there for her if that happens but when I told her she said no help from Donna. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well, that seems a little spiteful. I'm willing to give her a pass though, she's probably still upset. I hope you don't have to go through dementia with her though. It's heart-breaking to watch it snatch a loved one away one bite at a time.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Yes I know.  She is trying to take care of her mother from 1200 miles away.  She uses Visiting Angles most of the day but it's difficult when situations crop up. She's on the phone a lot! 

As far as spiteful, you would have to know her to understand her.  She is a kind person and has been kind to me throughout this ordeal but cannot tolerate ANY crossdressing even when she is not home. 

She has known about my TG for 34 years so there will be NO change in her attitude. She won't even read anything about it, if it's not from God it does not count.  She feels the secular world has a lot of things wrong. Otherwise she is a loving person to everyone, never judges people and never complains, whines or nags. 

First it's a religious thing with her and of course she feels it's ruining her life.  She thinks I have a choice and I am just believing a lie from Satin.  That's what I have to work with and of course I can't win when God is used. 

So far she has been very reasonable with the financial settlement and that's the most important thing to me, but I wonder where she places in the spectrum of wives responses. 

Is she average, or extremely uncooperative? 

 

I just want to get this separation overwith and I am being careful not to respond to her infrequent anger about her situation. 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

From personal experience, and the other member's stories, I'd give your wife a soft D. She's willing to settle up financially, but will not tolerate something she sees as "obscene in the eyes of god." I'd dare her to actually find a passage on being transgendered in the bible. Other religions cover the subject. Most of the better ones (in my opinion anyway) accept it. Unfortunately "christian culture" in this country doesn't have a lot to do with the teachings of Christ. I'd have trouble with a god who made me this way and then expected me to just suffer. Who does that? Certainly nobody "kind and loving."

 

Honestly, she sounds a lot like my paternal grandmother. She was a born again baptist. Lovely woman, but she had a real blind spot involving anything that came from the church.

 

May your separation proceed smoothly and your new life bring you joy!

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Thanks Jackie, 

I think their logic is that God made you a male and you are going against His will and his intention. 

My logic is that birth defects happen and He allows them as he allows an imperfect world. Life would be boring and we would not have a need for God if everything was perfect.  If you want perfect go for heaven. 

 

So when you are TG, God, in my humble opinion accepts that and DOES NOT want you to worry about His judgment with that issue and He IS kind and loving and has been to me.  God is not the problem, Evangelical Christians are and they are in the minority among Christians.  More and more denominations are arriving at accepting LGBT as "LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR" trumps all other issues. 

 

So as to my wife, she was made that way too, believing what she does and she can't help it any more than we can.  She finds comfort in believing all the rules and that makes her feel safe, so I love her and don't hold it against her and I feel bad about how this is affecting the last years of life that she planned on.  I am 74 and she told me she is going to become a widow prematurely. 

 

I am grateful that she is not trying to destroy me the way some women do when getting a divorce. 

Hugs to you too. 

Donna

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
2 hours ago, DonnaBall said:

I am 74 and she told me she is going to become a widow prematurely. 

I suppose this is because she sees you as dead now?  Sad that she cannot see past the thin outer skin to the core of your life, which I can only imagine has been fine up until now.  Do your best to stay happy and healthy Donna.  This will be your reward.   

 

Jani

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 106 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • MaybeRob
    • Ivy
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...