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Bi Trans guy struggles


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A. Dillon

There is a girl that I am close with and really like, and while she accepts and sees me as a guy, I am always worried about her liking me as a girl. She is bi, and I have wanted to tell her for a while now, but I can never work up the nerve because I am terrified that she might be attracted to me for my feminine feature and not my masculine ones, if she likes me at all. I have been held back for a long time because whenever I consider asking someone out, I could never get over the fact that I would have been a girl in that relationship (if that makes sense). Plus, seeing girls who have some similar features to my own makes me a little dysphoric, and adding that to my fear of just being seen as a butch lesbian makes it hard for me to be with a girl. Does anyone have any experience with this, because I definitely don't know what I am doing.

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I don't know if this is simply too trite but "nothing ventured, nothing gained."  In my experience overthinking issues and outcomes can stop any movement.  Maybe a gentle move forward with acceptance of how thing go will work out even if not perfectly

( whatever that may be)

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Jackie C.

That's the great thing about dating: None of us know what we're doing. Every relationship is different. Every woman is different.

 

Also, congratulations! Being completely stuck in your head because you're afraid of what might happen if you ask a girl out is a total guy experience. So milestone achieved!

 

So yeah, here's the thing: It doesn't matter. If she likes you for you, that's the beginning and the end. Assuming you get intimate at some point, there are some things she's going to have to deal with that she wouldn't with a cis-guy. There's work-arounds so no worries there. You're never going to have to deal with "Little Dillon" just not feeling it that particular evening for example. Not to mention a whole host of other performance issues that cis-guys have to deal with. I got off topic there for a minute. My point there being that mechanically, you'll be fine. There are all kinds of things you can buy to get the job done.

So back on track now. If you like the girl, ask her out. You should be up front with her about what she's getting into, but if she likes you for you, nothing else matters. I cannot tell you how many opportunities I missed out on because I was too afraid of rejection to even try. I mean honestly, what's the worst thing that could happen? She says "no" and it's weird for a little while, but you stay friends. Beyond that, who cares? What people think isn't a good reason to give up a chance for happiness.

 

Best of luck! I know nothing about this girl, but you seem to like her so...

 

Hugs!

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A. Dillon

Well, I told her, and she has a boyfriend.

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Jackie C.

Of course she does. Sorry sweetie. I know that one always hurts a bit.

 

Even so, you told a girl. You asked her out. The world didn't end. That's progress too. You learned something and next time you'll have a little more confidence. Also part of the "standard cis-guy experience."

 

You did good Dillon. I'm proud of you.

 

Hugs!

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ShawnaLeigh
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Of course she does. Sorry sweetie. I know that one always hurts a bit.

 

Even so, you told a girl. You asked her out. The world didn't end. That's progress too. You learned something and next time you'll have a little more confidence. Also part of the "standard cis-guy experience."

 

You did good Dillon. I'm proud of you.

 

Hugs!

I fully agree and I too am proud of you.  I recall being so afraid to talk to a girl I liked being young.  Ok it was last week too. And I am married to her. 

But its still tough!

Way to go on a milestone for being a guy!

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A. Dillon

Thanks for the support. She says that we can still be friends, and I am glad about that, but it is still kind of weird. I am really glad I said something though; the last 3 people I liked, I told them via text 3 months after I would never see them again

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Jackie C.

That's part of it too. It'll be weird for up to a month. That'll slowly fade as you go back to just being friends together. You earned the "I have a boyfriend," badge. Wear it proudly. It's part of growing up as a guy.

 

Hugs!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Something interesting to add- we're drawn to the people we like because they have qualities that we want within ourselves. It's not the person that's special. It's her qualities. Qualities that you, too, can gain. :)

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