Coming out to my wife

[CaitlynS]

Hello everyone. I've only recently allowed myself to be what I want instead of what I was supposed to be. A trans friend was nice enough to help me confirm and gave me permission to be what I already knew I was. 

 

I came out to my wife about 2 days ago. At first she was accepting, then she started to back pedal a bit.  She started showing apprehension and even said that since she wasn't gay it would maybe be a problem if I wanted to transition. 

Yesterday she broke down in tears and said she thought she could handle it but that she couldn't. She said she didn't want me to change and that she doesn't understand why I want this. I don't know what to tell her.

 

For the first time in my life I feel like I've found what I wanted to be. So much about being female appeals to me I don't know where to start. I am getting more and more excited at the prospect of transitioning as well but I'm  not going to be able to if she isn't willing to come along on the journey with me. Does anyone have any advice about what I should say?

[Jani]

Hello Caitlyn and welcome.  You're among friends and like minded folks here so feel free to join in.  This is a big shock to your wife, I am sure.  Its been said numerous times that our spouses may have been drawn to us because of our feminine side, even though we didn't purposely let it shine.   In that vein maybe you won't change too much, as you grow into your new found self.  Remember that each of our transitions is personal and what we do and how we progress is up to us and our unique situations.  I transitioned relatively slow so my wife could absorb the changes and not be overwhelmed.  But each of our approaches is different.  Please avail yourself of a gender counselor if you haven't already.  You'll find it to be a good experience. 

 

Cheers, Jani 

[CaitlynS]

Thank you Jani. I've not heard of gender counseling before. I'll try it when I can afford to pay for it. 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, CaitlynS said:

Does anyone have any advice about what I should say?

 

Goddess, if I knew a magic word that could do that... I've always been partial to "Zimbipmodad!" but I'm pretty sure the only power it holds is making me giggle and bring up some good memories.

 

Firstly, welcome to the fold, we're happy to meet you. Well, I'm happy to meet you, I shouldn't speak for everyone. I suppose there's a chance that someone is thinking bad thoughts. They probably won't post though. We're polite like that.

 

Secondly, so congratulations on figuring out what you need to be happy! I found that very liberating. Actually moving forward on that has been good to me also. I've made new friends, been supported by old ones and generally been accepted by my blood family. Only one family member has a problem with me being happy. That's not bad, right?

 

Moving on to spouses. My spouse is very supportive. While she doesn't think she's gay either, she's willing to accept that her orientation might be "straight plus me." I'll take it. Also, I find non-penetrative girl on girl sex to be pretty darn amazing. Honestly our sex life has improved just so much. I'm a very lucky girl.

When I came out to her, the first place her brain went was, "Have you been wearing my underwear?" Of course not. I prefer bikini-style, but whatever. Also, there's no universe where I'd FIT into her underwear so there's that. Well, then. I might be able to manage it now (I've lost a ton of weight), but I have my own underwear so it's not important.

The next bit was that she wasn't ready to see me as myself just yet, so we worked out a system where she would call me on the way home so I could turn back into... deadname... (Sorry, we might grow to be best friends but I HATE typing out my deadname). After that she had questions. She wrote all her questions out on a pad of legal paper and we sat down to answer them. Some of them were funny, some were serious, most of them were about our relationship. I made a solemn vow to never keep anything from her (exceptions for presents and romantic surprises because, c'mon). I've kept that. I tell her everything until she tells me to shut up.

My point here being that this is a big shock to your spouse as well. She could need a little time to get used to the "New World Order." While some women have trouble accepting this new chapter of their relationship and choose to end it, there are others who are accepting and move forward with open eyes and open arms. You can find examples of both if you poke around here a bit. They aren't my stories to tell. I'm always happy to share my personal experiences though. Especially if I think they might help, or at least entertain you for a minute.

 

Another thing to remember is, no matter what you choose, transitioning is not a quick process or one to be undertaken lightly. I suggest finding a good... actually, I've never met one that wasn't good. There are some, I've read the stories. My personal experiences have been positive though. Anyway, find a good gender therapist. See if your spouse can attend with you (I've never had a therapist turn me down on this, but you should always ask). Maybe she's just scared and some information from a learned professional could help her understand what's really going on.

 

Best of luck sweetie. We're always here if you need to talk.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

if you have insurance you may be all set with just a copay.  You can find a therapist at our Resources page or at Psychology Today.  You can explain you've been stressed and need to explore your gender role.  These visits are usual coded for insurance purposes as General Anxiety and your privacy is protected.  I found it to be very helpful. 

 

Jani

[Jackie C.]

Not to contradict, but depending on insurance. I imagine California isn't all that terrible, but I've had one doctor covered where another wasn't. Not all of them accept any or all insurance. There's no harm in asking them though. Healthcare is a whole new adventure!

 

Still pulling for you though sweetie. Good hunting!

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I had a very similar response when I told my wife too.  She is very logical minded and had understanding of this prior to me but it was the very first time I had seen her cry over me/us.  Once they get past the shock of what you told them it then takes them time to absorb it.  Further to accept it or not.  The best thing you can do at this point is try to educate the both of you what this all means.  THAT takes a lot of time too because being told something does not always equate to understanding it.  Plus it is hard to educate someone on something when you barely understand it.  A lot of this early journey is fraught with intense emotions too so be patient and be supportive to her as well.

It is  very easy for us that are questioning or in transition to forget this isn't just about you.  Its not just your issue or problem.  Its everyone's who loves you as well.

My wife is still holding to the "I'm not a lesbian" stance with me so it is her plan to divorce me once I fully present as a women.  I have hope this will change over time as you don't have to be a lesbian to stay married to someone if they transition.  For now we are still married and living as roommates and it is working out very good for us.  It took me a while to understand the lesbian connection while being married myself.  I mean once I am fully and women and she is CIS then would we not be in a lesbian marriage?  Not exactly.  Like Jacky C's wife has said she is "straight+Jacky".  She does not need to all of a sudden be attracted to all women.  Just the one person she loves and married for who they are.  You are still the person and that heart and soul and always have been.  You just look differently on the outside and maybe your personality has changed a bit but its still you.  People will look at the same things in very different ways and everybody has a right to chose what they like and desire and how they want to live.  Respect that as we try to demand of others to respect us.

This is what we are screaming to the world to do for ourselves.

 

[Susan R]

On 1/13/2020 at 10:03 AM, Jani said:

I transitioned relatively slow so my wife could absorb the changes and not be overwhelmed.

Welcome Caitlyn, nice to meet you...I can only speak for myself but this quote above seems to be some very good advice.  This along with some deep and comforting communication between you two is essential.  It’s likely that the first thing that comes to a spouses’ mind when they receive this kind of news is what they have been programmed with all their life from TV, movies, tabloids, and commercial advertising...and in some cases their church.  Our spouses mentally place themselves immediately in the worst of all situations....as if their entire world just collapsed.  Well, we all know that none of that propaganda is even close to reality.  As mentioned, you can soften the impact of your news with a lot of good communication, information about your specific situation from the beginning to the present, and slowing down any rush you might have for immediate change for the sake of the marriage until she gets her bearings.  You may have waited a lifetime to understand this about yourself but she has just now learned of it.  Giving her a little additional time to work through it all and realize her world will not fall apart may just help her adjust to these much needed changes in your life.  It’s so important to include her in any and all aspects of your transition.  My wife has stated several times that this inclusion helped her feel more comfortable about each stage of my transition so it likely to be of some help to yours.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[CaitlynS]

Thank you both for the responses. I'll gladly take your advice and move slowly. I'm hopeful my wife will come to adjust to this at some point. I'll stay patient.

[VickySGV]

On 1/13/2020 at 10:38 AM, Jackie C. said:

I imagine California isn't all that terrible,

 

If your insurance covers Behavioral Health in California, it will cover Gender counseling by law and State Insurance Dept. Regulations.  Check with your Human Resources people or as in my case, the retirement system that administers your insurance programs.  

[Jani]

Just to reiterate a point made here, you transitioning while being married does not make your wife a lesbian.  

 

So maybe you don't go advertising your relationship by holding hands and kissing in public but that doesn't mean you can't continue to be what you hopefully have been since you married, friends with a deep, true friendship.  Women have always been more prone to closeness, even in public.  It how we support each other.  So its not unnatural to see two women out together enjoying each others company.  Guys can do this as well but the relationships are more at arms-length.

[SaraAW]

Caitlyn, your story is similar to mine. Things are getting between my wife and I, but we have a very long way to go. The first while after coming out to her, I couldn’t even talk to her with out her crying and telling me not to do it. After several months and many conversations, we’ve reached a point where she’s still uncomfortable with the idea, but she's accepted I need to do something’s for myself. I dress with feminine underwear, as long as I’m discreet, she’s okay with it. Also just started hrt with her blessing earlier this week. I would like to move faster, but I know she needs more time to adjust, so I found a pace she and I were both comfortable with. I wish you the best with your wife and hope you two can find your balance. *hugs*

[soyangela]

Hi Caitlyn and welcome.

I also just came out to my wife. About a month ago. I have been using the words roller coaster a lot recently. That's been our relationship. I think I've cried more then my wife and I haven't started hormones! When I first told my wife her immediate response was I love you and will support you. Although I don't think she really knew what transgender meant. After reading about it her next response was this is a lot to take in. She has told me she is not a lesbian a few times. I get it. I think I've said this in a few posts. But communication is key. Keep communicating even if the topic is difficult. Find a place you are both comfortable that isn't at home. We go to a local tap room. We order beers get some food and talk. No matter how difficult the week has been our Friday conversations always makes us both feel better. There will be days where your wife cries is angry. She is grieving the lose of her husband. Give her some space but always be there for her. One thing that I feel has worked for us is I told my wife she can ask anything she wants and I will answer everything truthfully. No question is off limits. This is something I recently learned. If what she says hurts or makes you sad let her know what your feeling. Its important to communicate your feelings to her.

I believe Susan said take your time and go slow. I couldn't agree more with her statement. You may not feel like I did but once I told my wife I felt like running to my next step. But after talking with some friends I decided to follow their advice and go slow. I spoke to my wife that I want to make sure she is comfortable with the next phase of my transition what ever that will be. I told my wife that I want to make these decisions together. In the mean time do things that will make you feel better about yourself. For me it was bringing my clothes into our house. No more duffel bag in my truck, YIPEE! I'm getting electrolysis to remove my beard, I got a pedicure and got my toes painted. Wear panties under your male clothes. Whatever it is to make you feel you are taking steps forward. That has helped me with my dysphoria which helps me have patience about transitioning faster.

 

Hugs,

Angela