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Belle

Being shut out

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Belle

I need to vent. I've been feeling so accepting of my identity today after my GT appointment. Then I started watching some YouTube videos about trans science that are fantastic! So I sent them to my wife...

 

But we agreed the other day to stop trying to convince or educate one another. I shouldn't have sent it but it was so clearly laid out she would have a hard time denying the science. She refuses to watch then. She still won't accept that there is a difference between sex and gender. My identity is a huge wedge in between us. In almost 20 years of marriage it's the only thing we have not been able to reconcile after a short period of time.

 

She won't argue theology with me either. She insists she has done her homework on the science and the theology. Apparently I'm listening to "the world" and "Satan's lies." The fact that I'm submitting it to God every day and have a solid theological education apparently holds no sway because she has "changed what [she] 'knew' to be true in favor of [my] point of view in the past when ended up backtracking on it."

 

Add I am writing this it just occurred to me that she may actually want to end our marriage. Maybe that's why she's closed off. She wants it her way or no more relationship.

 

Above all I can't bear to imagine what my children will go through if we divorce. She is the love of my life. 💔 = 😵

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Jackie C.

Oh gosh Belle, I'm sorry to hear that. Having someone you love and trust harden their heart to you like that... it just makes you bleed inside. If she won't listen though... there's nothing you can do about that. For your sake, I hope that she sees the light, but in your shoes I'd make plans for the worst.

 

Hugs sweetie. I hope things turn around for you both.

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Jani

Unfortunately she is not listening to you because you now chafe against her hard beliefs.  There may be no way around this. People who do not want to compromise typically are unmoved by arguments.  IMO she is in the minority but to each our own.  

 

It will be hard and that you have children will not make it any easier to bear.  Be prepared for a tough fight.  If she is taking counsel from her friends at church you will not change her as they back up her point of view.  You may consider looking for legal counsel.

 

Jani

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ShawnaLeigh
2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Oh gosh Belle, I'm sorry to hear that. Having someone you love and trust harden their heart to you like that... it just makes you bleed inside. If she won't listen though... there's nothing you can do about that. For your sake, I hope that she sees the light, but in your shoes I'd make plans for the worst.

 

Hugs sweetie. I hope things turn around for you both.

Jackie had said what I would of too.  
I am sorry she is so closed minded to who you really are.  It’s not right from someone you love and loves you. 

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Jani

Belle, another thought.  You wife may be "the love of your life" but she is not the same person you married and neither are you.  She has (hopefully) evolved over the last 20 years, just as you have.  I'm speaking in terms of intellect, emotion, empathy, understanding, and so on.  You have also grown inside but have not let that part out until now.  Some couples relationship can survive this change (and the news that precedes it).  Some couples do grow apart (without this type of event) and I suppose it isn't necessarily a bad thing to look to the future where you can both be happy.  Maybe you can remain as friends, many couples who do separate will remain close, if for no other reason that they have a long history together. 

 

I only bring this up because you cannot put Pandora back into her box.  From what you've written your wife sounds pretty adamant about not accepting this as status quo.  She is not only considering what it means to her marriage but to her standing in the community and her church.  I'm surprised that she "went public" with this private matter but that's obviously her way of dealing with stress.  

 

While I'm not saying you can't go back to the way it was before you told her, the odds are quite slim.  It might be the best move for both of you to seek your own happiness.  You live in a large enough metro area to be able to find a space away from the "noise" of your present community. 

 

Jani

  

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ShawnaLeigh
5 hours ago, Jani said:

Belle, another thought.  You wife may be "the love of your life" but she is not the same person you married and neither are you.  She has (hopefully) evolved over the last 20 years, just as you have.  I'm speaking in terms of intellect, emotion, empathy, understanding, and so on.  You have also grown inside but have not let that part out until now.  Some couples relationship can survive this change (and the news that precedes it).  Some couples do grow apart (without this type of event) and I suppose it isn't necessarily a bad thing to look to the future where you can both be happy.  Maybe you can remain as friends, many couples who do separate will remain close, if for no other reason that they have a long history together. 

 

I only bring this up because you cannot put Pandora back into her box.  From what you've written your wife sounds pretty adamant about not accepting this as status quo.  She is not only considering what it means to her marriage but to her standing in the community and her church.  I'm surprised that she "went public" with this private matter but that's obviously her way of dealing with stress.  

 

While I'm not saying you can't go back to the way it was before you told her, the odds are quite slim.  It might be the best move for both of you to seek your own happiness.  You live in a large enough metro area to be able to find a space away from the "noise" of your present community. 

 

Jani

  

This Belle. This is well written and speaks a lot of truth.  I only wish I had said it.  

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