Should feel euphoria but feel dysphoria instead

[ShawnaLeigh]

I need some outside opinions on what I am feeling right now.  I should be feeling a huge amount of euphoria and peace due to an extremely positive and reaffirming coming out experience thus far.  

However I am not this morning.   Rather I am feeling a lot of anxiety and dysphoria about it all.  I'm not sure why?

Something is working on my mind or subconscious mind because I haven't been able to sleep through the night for over two weeks now and its getting to an exhaustion level that feels dangerous.  My stresses at work are normal or maybe a bit more but nothing I can not handle, and really, work is a good distraction from the normal of always focusing on my transition or coming out.  I can not see a reason why my transition or coming out would be a source of this as everything has gone as good as it could go with all things considered.  Yes I do have some uphill battles still to come but I have prepared my self to deal with them.  

So why would I be feeling like day 1 and not day 100 of my journey?

I thought maybe because I am now in a phase I am not ready for on my journey.  I no longer have any real constraints to keep me from moving forward and becoming who I am.  Even with my plan to do so at a slow pace to let my wife be comfortable with it all.   Maybe the twisted security of having something to blame it on.  Like why I feel stalled or have to wait until this date or I can't do this or that is now gone.  Maybe I am vulnerable again to what lies ahead and feel unprepared to be the women I so desperately want to be.  

I admit I am afraid of not knowing how to be a women.  I know this sounds silly but it is true.  Its hard to know for sure you are a women but know how to be one.  Never having the experience CIS women have by simply growing up.  

That's my best theory right now but then again why would this work on my mind this much?  

I have 4 days till my next therapy session.  I can not wait..

[Sally Stone]

ShawnaLeigh,

 

Grappling with being trans is a major internal battle, so you should expect ups, downs and conflicting feelings along the way.  Even though coming out has been positive for you thus far, there is still a long road ahead of you, so it's only natural for you to be apprehensive.  You've admitted that you are still concerned about "not knowing how to be a woman," and that is an example of another hurdle you'll have to jump over as you progress.  Think about it, you are beginning to make major changes in your life, and even though they are positive changes driving you towards happiness and contentment, they are still major changes.  It's only natural to still be a bit uneasy about it all.

 

Personally, I would fret too much about any of it, because what you are feeling, in my estimation, is a healthy, human reaction to life change.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[Jani]

Good advice and commentary above.  

 

As to your anxiety, there comes a point in anything new that we undertake when reality sets in and we see that life behind the stage curtain is certainly different than in front of it.  I remember breaking down at one point saying to myself this is hard because there is so much to know and learn.  

 

4 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I admit I am afraid of not knowing how to be a women.  I know this sounds silly but it is true.  Its hard to know for sure you are a women but know how to be one.  Never having the experience CIS women have by simply growing up.  

 

This is why we take our time.  Its not just throwing a switch and you're this new person.  I would say this stress is a good sign; that you are ok.  But don't let it get to you. Stay the course and talk with your counselor about your fears and dreams.  Work through them and you'll be fine. 

 

Jani 

[Jackie C.]

That's... pretty normal actually. I think @MaryMary has got the meat of it though.

 

First off, while most of the people in your life are supportive, you're still giving things up. Your wife isn't coming around and you know what that can be like from past experience. You don't want another divorce, but it's probably coming. Your life is in a precarious place financially. You're also sleeping alone. All those things are stressful.

I strongly recommend a stuffed animal to cuddle while you go to sleep. I frequently use Mr. Webby (he's a stuffed spider. Yes I'm arachnophobic. Don't judge. It's complicated) when Susan is away. There's a wide selection at Squishables.com. recommended because they're so, so soft but you can probably find something at the local toy store too if you prefer. Also, don't be afraid to use a little melatonin now and then. It's available at the pharmacy and/or grocery store. It's herbal, and it helps me sleep. I always have trouble getting to sleep when the weather is shifty like this. It really helps.

 

I'm getting off topic again. Anyway, like I was saying @MaryMary pointed out that now you're on your way to reaching your goals. You've got something to lose. I felt much the same way before I started to socially transition: Numb. Whatever I was doing as ... deadname ... didn't really matter. it wasn't me. I was literally just marking time until the end. I didn't take care of myself, I wasn't motivated to do much of anything, I just shuffled through life like a zombie.

Now I've got something to lose. I feel (OK, not great today, but I'm off my HRT) but in general I feel fantastic, like I can do anything. I care about building my life and being the best version of myself I can be. I have dreams again and I'm starting to chase them. That's scary stuff. Now that I have something I actually want to preserve, I'm worried that something will come along and take it away from me. It takes courage to spread your wings and fly.

 

So yeah, so long as you don't let your fear paralyze you, you'll probably be fine. I'm realizing that it takes a lot of courage to transition even though I don't really see it while I'm doing it. You're headed in the right direction.

 

Oh, as for worrying about being a woman, you're in luck. You're surrounded by women every day. Pay attention. See how they behave and work on emulating the behaviors you like. It's not just about "How women behave." It's also about, "How the woman I want to be behaves." You're going to be OK.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I have putting some more thought into this and then read all your replies.  Thank you very much.  They all have so much wisdom.

I feel Mary Mary has hit upon a lot of what I feel too.

I guess I kind of stated this earlier without realizing I had said it.  I do feel like I have gotten threw a very tough stage and used its uphill battle as an excuse to put off what comes next.

Now that I don't have to hide anymore and I am basically out to everyone that means anything to me I am at a "Now what" point.  I am not exactly sure where to go from here.  Just live my life "as is" and keep taking my HRT until I feel I pass or I am at a point where my female qualities are outshining my male qualities?  That feels like a slow and frustrating plan.  I really don't know what I should do or plan for.

I was asked by my therapist what I had planned next on my journey and I did not know how to answer that.  I realize it is all up to me and how comfortable I feel doing anything with my transition.  I have yet to reached this within my internal teen female self.

I am also still troubled by some aspects of how my wife feels and what her plans are once I reach a certain "level".  I simply have to move beyond this feeling of "being throw away or discarded eventually" by someone I love.  Its a hard thing to let eat at me.  Logically I know that's is not what she is doing.  Its that inner "spot" someplace inside that feels betrayed or discarded and I can not appease it.  

As for my mother she can go pound sand.  LOL

 

 

[ToniTone]

Alot of the doubts and concerns are normal. I felt these things alot myself. Heck this morning I questioned if my life would be easier if I hadn't decided to transition. I mean probably, but I wouldn't be as happy today... 

 

I feel ya on not knowing how to be a woman. I've just been winging it as I go along. Lol!.. I say that jokingly, but there might be some truth to that. Maybe no woman knows how to be a woman bc there's no one way to. Maybe we're all just winging it and doing what feels right for us... 

 

~Toni

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

Maybe no woman knows how to be a woman bc there's no one way to.

My ex girlfriend that has become a very close and huge supporter of me said the exact same thing just last night.  She said no one knows how.  Just do you.

That's good advice and easy to say but for some of us.  We don't know who "you" is yet.  LOL

I think your method is probably the best so far Toni.  Just wing it.  I love that.  

[Belle]

37 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

She said no one knows how.  Just do you.

That's good advice and easy to say but for some of us.  We don't know who "you" is yet.  LOL

Yes, I'm just discovering that. I find it hard to keep in touch with my true self. Life demands that I stay who I always pretend to be.

 

Regarding your dysphoria @ShawnaLeigh it's helpful to see that this is normal. I'm sorry it's a struggle in the midst of such great circumstances ?

[ShawnaLeigh]

50 minutes ago, Belle said:

Regarding your dysphoria @ShawnaLeigh it's helpful to see that this is normal. I'm sorry it's a struggle in the midst of such great circumstances ?

If it were easy everyone would be doing it.  LOL

[Jackie C.]

36 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

It's harder to make friend and make social mistakes when you are almost 40,

 

Yesss... almost... 40... Wouldn't know anything about that. Nope. Nope. ?

 

I'm not sure. I've made at least a dozen new friends since I've been transitioning. If anything, I find it easier because I can be my authentic self instead of putting on a mask. It turns out that authentic me is pretty cool. Who knew?

 

Hugs!

[Jackie C.]

Mostly I was alluding to the part where I turn fifty in March. I do not WANT to turn fifty, but I appear to have no say in the matter. If I could turn, oh, twenty-five instead I'd be very interested.

 

Fair enough. I'll never be a party-girl, large groups make me uncomfortable more often than not. Really more than about... oh, five... people is pretty nerve-wracking. I can manage for short bursts in controlled conditions (like family gatherings) if I have some familiar faces to fall back on. I get being reclusive too. I spend most of my time home alone.

 

My assumptions are on me though. Your avatar is lovely, and I thought "Oh my goodness, she must have her life together."  Absolutely love the glasses. I wish I could find frames like that. You're on the right track though. Grab every chance you can for self-improvement. They pay off. I'm interested in seeing the real you. I think she's closer to the surface than you think.

 

Deepest apologies if I made you uncomfortable in any way. That was not my intent.

 

Hugs!

[Jackie C.]

Would you like me to fix it? That's one of my super-powers now.

 

Hugs!

[Belle]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Mostly I was alluding to the part where I turn fifty in March. I do not WANT to turn fifty, but I appear to have no say in the matter. If I could turn, oh, twenty-five instead I'd be very interested.

I pouted about turning 40 until I realized that the only reason it bothers me is because we live in a base-10 society.

 

Belle ❤

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Your avatar is lovely, and I thought "Oh my goodness, she must have her life together."  Absolutely love the glasses.

I agree with this too.  Very much so. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

. I do not WANT to turn fifty, but I appear to have no say in the matter. If I could turn, oh, twenty-five instead I'd be very interested.

That’s the positive side of being a teenage girl inside.  Age doesn’t bother me yet.  Once she turns 30 then I will be over the hill.