Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

ShawnaLeigh

Should feel euphoria but feel dysphoria instead

Recommended Posts

ShawnaLeigh

I need some outside opinions on what I am feeling right now.  I should be feeling a huge amount of euphoria and peace due to an extremely positive and reaffirming coming out experience thus far.  

However I am not this morning.   Rather I am feeling a lot of anxiety and dysphoria about it all.  I'm not sure why?

Something is working on my mind or subconscious mind because I haven't been able to sleep through the night for over two weeks now and its getting to an exhaustion level that feels dangerous.  My stresses at work are normal or maybe a bit more but nothing I can not handle, and really, work is a good distraction from the normal of always focusing on my transition or coming out.  I can not see a reason why my transition or coming out would be a source of this as everything has gone as good as it could go with all things considered.  Yes I do have some uphill battles still to come but I have prepared my self to deal with them.  

So why would I be feeling like day 1 and not day 100 of my journey?

I thought maybe because I am now in a phase I am not ready for on my journey.  I no longer have any real constraints to keep me from moving forward and becoming who I am.  Even with my plan to do so at a slow pace to let my wife be comfortable with it all.   Maybe the twisted security of having something to blame it on.  Like why I feel stalled or have to wait until this date or I can't do this or that is now gone.  Maybe I am vulnerable again to what lies ahead and feel unprepared to be the women I so desperately want to be.  

I admit I am afraid of not knowing how to be a women.  I know this sounds silly but it is true.  Its hard to know for sure you are a women but know how to be one.  Never having the experience CIS women have by simply growing up.  

That's my best theory right now but then again why would this work on my mind this much?  

I have 4 days till my next therapy session.  I can not wait..

Share this post


Link to post
Sally Stone

ShawnaLeigh,

 

Grappling with being trans is a major internal battle, so you should expect ups, downs and conflicting feelings along the way.  Even though coming out has been positive for you thus far, there is still a long road ahead of you, so it's only natural for you to be apprehensive.  You've admitted that you are still concerned about "not knowing how to be a woman," and that is an example of another hurdle you'll have to jump over as you progress.  Think about it, you are beginning to make major changes in your life, and even though they are positive changes driving you towards happiness and contentment, they are still major changes.  It's only natural to still be a bit uneasy about it all.

 

Personally, I would fret too much about any of it, because what you are feeling, in my estimation, is a healthy, human reaction to life change.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary

I will offer a piece of my experience. Maybe it's related, maybe it's not but what you are saying and how you say it makes me think of something I feel too :

for all my life I've been in "trying to blend in" mode. I'm more used to faking being someone else. One thing I realized while transitioning is that at some point you put your womanhood on the line. I mean at any point between 5 and 32 if you dared me to go talk to a girl I would have no problem doing it, you ask me to put a dirty shirt and torn up pants and go talk to a girl I would have no problem too. I had absolutely no interest in defending my virility or my manhood. I had absolutely no ego to protect per say.

Now fast forward to now : If I want to date a man I really really care about being feminine enough and putting my femininity forward. I'm not talking about going too far, I'm just talking about having basic self esteem, wanting people to see me like I am, put my best foot forward. You know? I'm talking about dating but it's true for all aspects of life. Before I had dysphoria but it was more a numbing pain... like I was depressed and suicidal ALL the time. Now, the dysphoria is more precise, easy to identify. If I were really really into a guy and have a date with him you better bet I will try to look as pretty as possible. That's cool, I think... But it's also another situation where I can feel dysphoria, look myself in the mirror and feel "not feminine enough" and see all my male traits like they could eclipse the sun.... lol

 

I feel like what you are describing is akin to what I feel. My ego was so lost somewhere behind and not on the front and now it's so exposed and out for everyone to see. It's a big difference psychologically I think. I realize now that many steps in a normal girl's life I missed : I don't know what my orientation is, I did not make any friend in the past that really became friend with me for who I really am, when I was a child I played game I didn't care about, I studied in a domain I don't really like. I was really lost behind that male persona.

 

I kind of feel like what you describe is you emerging.... I don't know if I'm clear enough but that's my 2 cents.

Share this post


Link to post
Jani

Good advice and commentary above.  

 

As to your anxiety, there comes a point in anything new that we undertake when reality sets in and we see that life behind the stage curtain is certainly different than in front of it.  I remember breaking down at one point saying to myself this is hard because there is so much to know and learn.  

 

4 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I admit I am afraid of not knowing how to be a women.  I know this sounds silly but it is true.  Its hard to know for sure you are a women but know how to be one.  Never having the experience CIS women have by simply growing up.  

 

This is why we take our time.  Its not just throwing a switch and you're this new person.  I would say this stress is a good sign; that you are ok.  But don't let it get to you. Stay the course and talk with your counselor about your fears and dreams.  Work through them and you'll be fine. 

 

Jani 

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

That's... pretty normal actually. I think @MaryMary has got the meat of it though.

 

First off, while most of the people in your life are supportive, you're still giving things up. Your wife isn't coming around and you know what that can be like from past experience. You don't want another divorce, but it's probably coming. Your life is in a precarious place financially. You're also sleeping alone. All those things are stressful.

I strongly recommend a stuffed animal to cuddle while you go to sleep. I frequently use Mr. Webby (he's a stuffed spider. Yes I'm arachnophobic. Don't judge. It's complicated) when Susan is away. There's a wide selection at Squishables.com. recommended because they're so, so soft but you can probably find something at the local toy store too if you prefer. Also, don't be afraid to use a little melatonin now and then. It's available at the pharmacy and/or grocery store. It's herbal, and it helps me sleep. I always have trouble getting to sleep when the weather is shifty like this. It really helps.

 

I'm getting off topic again. Anyway, like I was saying @MaryMary pointed out that now you're on your way to reaching your goals. You've got something to lose. I felt much the same way before I started to socially transition: Numb. Whatever I was doing as ... deadname ... didn't really matter. it wasn't me. I was literally just marking time until the end. I didn't take care of myself, I wasn't motivated to do much of anything, I just shuffled through life like a zombie.

Now I've got something to lose. I feel (OK, not great today, but I'm off my HRT) but in general I feel fantastic, like I can do anything. I care about building my life and being the best version of myself I can be. I have dreams again and I'm starting to chase them. That's scary stuff. Now that I have something I actually want to preserve, I'm worried that something will come along and take it away from me. It takes courage to spread your wings and fly.

 

So yeah, so long as you don't let your fear paralyze you, you'll probably be fine. I'm realizing that it takes a lot of courage to transition even though I don't really see it while I'm doing it. You're headed in the right direction.

 

Oh, as for worrying about being a woman, you're in luck. You're surrounded by women every day. Pay attention. See how they behave and work on emulating the behaviors you like. It's not just about "How women behave." It's also about, "How the woman I want to be behaves." You're going to be OK.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh

I have putting some more thought into this and then read all your replies.  Thank you very much.  They all have so much wisdom.

I feel Mary Mary has hit upon a lot of what I feel too.

I guess I kind of stated this earlier without realizing I had said it.  I do feel like I have gotten threw a very tough stage and used its uphill battle as an excuse to put off what comes next.

Now that I don't have to hide anymore and I am basically out to everyone that means anything to me I am at a "Now what" point.  I am not exactly sure where to go from here.  Just live my life "as is" and keep taking my HRT until I feel I pass or I am at a point where my female qualities are outshining my male qualities?  That feels like a slow and frustrating plan.  I really don't know what I should do or plan for.

I was asked by my therapist what I had planned next on my journey and I did not know how to answer that.  I realize it is all up to me and how comfortable I feel doing anything with my transition.  I have yet to reached this within my internal teen female self.

I am also still troubled by some aspects of how my wife feels and what her plans are once I reach a certain "level".  I simply have to move beyond this feeling of "being throw away or discarded eventually" by someone I love.  Its a hard thing to let eat at me.  Logically I know that's is not what she is doing.  Its that inner "spot" someplace inside that feels betrayed or discarded and I can not appease it.  

As for my mother she can go pound sand.  LOL

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
ToniTone

Alot of the doubts and concerns are normal. I felt these things alot myself. Heck this morning I questioned if my life would be easier if I hadn't decided to transition. I mean probably, but I wouldn't be as happy today... 

 

I feel ya on not knowing how to be a woman. I've just been winging it as I go along. Lol!.. I say that jokingly, but there might be some truth to that. Maybe no woman knows how to be a woman bc there's no one way to. Maybe we're all just winging it and doing what feels right for us... 

 

~Toni

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh
1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

Maybe no woman knows how to be a woman bc there's no one way to.

My ex girlfriend that has become a very close and huge supporter of me said the exact same thing just last night.  She said no one knows how.  Just do you.

That's good advice and easy to say but for some of us.  We don't know who "you" is yet.  LOL

I think your method is probably the best so far Toni.  Just wing it.  I love that.  

Share this post


Link to post
Belle
37 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

She said no one knows how.  Just do you.

That's good advice and easy to say but for some of us.  We don't know who "you" is yet.  LOL

Yes, I'm just discovering that. I find it hard to keep in touch with my true self. Life demands that I stay who I always pretend to be.

 

Regarding your dysphoria @ShawnaLeigh it's helpful to see that this is normal. I'm sorry it's a struggle in the midst of such great circumstances 😥

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh
50 minutes ago, Belle said:

Regarding your dysphoria @ShawnaLeigh it's helpful to see that this is normal. I'm sorry it's a struggle in the midst of such great circumstances 😥

If it were easy everyone would be doing it.  LOL

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary
2 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

 

That's good advice and easy to say but for some of us.  We don't know who "you" is yet.  LOL

 

This! absolutely how I feel. That's how I feel too. It's cool in a way, it's part of the euphoria for me : the vertigo you get because anything is possible in a way. But it's also very confusing and depending on the age you are you don't get to make the mistakes a teen could make because you are an adult with responsibilities and also I know that I don't have the same social life potential then I had when I was younger. It's harder to make friend and make social mistakes when you are almost 40, lol

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.
36 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

It's harder to make friend and make social mistakes when you are almost 40,

 

Yesss... almost... 40... Wouldn't know anything about that. Nope. Nope. 😋

 

I'm not sure. I've made at least a dozen new friends since I've been transitioning. If anything, I find it easier because I can be my authentic self instead of putting on a mask. It turns out that authentic me is pretty cool. Who knew?

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary

yeah, I don't what is your context IRL. I still have a very hard time using my voice, still have some problems with PTSD. I'm an untamed, still pretty recluse girl. I'm trying to catch every chances to improve myself and be better at partying and just demonstrating how happy I am but I'm still "very far from myself" and very far from what you are describing. I'm very far from the real me like Shawna said, I recognize myself very much in that statement.

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

Mostly I was alluding to the part where I turn fifty in March. I do not WANT to turn fifty, but I appear to have no say in the matter. If I could turn, oh, twenty-five instead I'd be very interested.

 

Fair enough. I'll never be a party-girl, large groups make me uncomfortable more often than not. Really more than about... oh, five... people is pretty nerve-wracking. I can manage for short bursts in controlled conditions (like family gatherings) if I have some familiar faces to fall back on. I get being reclusive too. I spend most of my time home alone.

 

My assumptions are on me though. Your avatar is lovely, and I thought "Oh my goodness, she must have her life together."  Absolutely love the glasses. I wish I could find frames like that. You're on the right track though. Grab every chance you can for self-improvement. They pay off. I'm interested in seeing the real you. I think she's closer to the surface than you think.

 

Deepest apologies if I made you uncomfortable in any way. That was not my intent.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary

*very far from knowing the entirety of the real me, sorry

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

Would you like me to fix it? That's one of my super-powers now.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary
37 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

My assumptions are on me though. Your avatar is lovely, and I thought "Oh my goodness, she must have her life together."  Absolutely love the glasses. I wish I could find frames like that. You're on the right track though. Grab every chance you can for self-improvement. They pay off. I'm interested in seeing the real you. I think she's closer to the surface than you think.

 

 

lol, I would love to have my life together :D I feel like I'm going too far off topic so I will not go farther I'm closer the the joker in the latest joaquim phoenix movie (on a mental health level, not talking about violence) that I would like to admit and am still very dysphoric. I'm still very chaotic in nature because "me" is not defined still I tend to change like a vane. 20 years of depression has left my memory very lacking so I might forget what I was believing 1 or 2 weeks ago and it's making me very changing in opinion also.

 

yeah, well.... Sorry Shawna for being a little too off topic :P

Share this post


Link to post
Belle
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Mostly I was alluding to the part where I turn fifty in March. I do not WANT to turn fifty, but I appear to have no say in the matter. If I could turn, oh, twenty-five instead I'd be very interested.

I pouted about turning 40 until I realized that the only reason it bothers me is because we live in a base-10 society.

 

Belle ❤

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh
3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Your avatar is lovely, and I thought "Oh my goodness, she must have her life together."  Absolutely love the glasses.

I agree with this too.  Very much so. 

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh
3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

. I do not WANT to turn fifty, but I appear to have no say in the matter. If I could turn, oh, twenty-five instead I'd be very interested.

That’s the positive side of being a teenage girl inside.  Age doesn’t bother me yet.  Once she turns 30 then I will be over the hill.  

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   10 Members, 0 Anonymous, 163 Guests (See full list)

    • Belle
    • Jennifer T
    • Willa
    • Laura76
    • Taylor
    • MetaLicious
    • Cyndee
    • Carolyn Marie
    • KymmieL
    • Aidan5
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,750
    • Total Posts
      630,393
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,099
    • Most Online
      8,356

    vince
    Newest Member
    vince
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Callie40
      Callie40
      (45 years old)
  • Posts

    • KymmieL
      The Cheyenne VA hospital is great as far as I am concerned. I have had no troubles at all. My Dr's are fantastic. Unfortunately they have no endo. I will be seeing the one down at the Denver VA. Good thing I get travel pay. Just recently found out that I can claim travel for any appointment at VA based on my disability percentage. My GYN's nurse found out for me.   I feel totally safe when I am at the VA. I use the ladies room. dress how I feel.of course girly.   Kymmie
    • Aidan5
      Some one hit me with the skills on how to flirt because I am terrible and I know, the new kid just laughs at my miserable attempts, I think he finds it cute that I try. Sadly I am about as smooth as sandpaper. So I tried to get revenge for him dropping his phone on me when it said "Hints" So he was dropping hints on me. So I wrote "Hints on a piece of paper and dropped it on him, for revenge. He was like "Ah, I see your true feelings." And I panicked and said "Ha, no it's just revenge from earlier." He obviously didn't believe me and just laughed. Someone please teach me how to flirt so I can compete, he is a smooth as butter! He is always trying to hold hands so I do it back, He told me to move to the back of the bus with him and I said no playfully and he said "I will kiss you right now if you don't" (Also playing) I froze up ack. I need halp haha
    • Aidan5
      Welcome to the forum Michaela!    We welcome you with opens arms and open minds, I hope you can find the same comfort I did here
    • Jackie C.
      That's the spirit! Also a good attitude when you're waiting for anything else you care to do while transitioning like getting approved for HRT or bottom surgery if you choose to pursue either of those things. Probably FFS too, but I haven't signed up for that one. I don't want to get TOO pretty. My friends would be jealous. 😘   Hugs!
    • secondlook
      Totally agree. I figure, I've been waiting 40-plus years to get this stuff figured out, what's another couple days?
    • Jackie C.
      Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that. I've had that happen before, but it was always an emergency out of their control. Deep breath and remember that therapists have lives and obligations too. Last time it happened to me, my therapist's firstborn was in the hospital so yeah, I cut her some slack. I'm cool like that.   I'm sure they'll reschedule you as soon as they can. Hang in there, it'll happen.   Hugs!
    • secondlook
      Would you believe that my therapist canceled on me 10 minutes before my appointment was set to start? Unreal. I'm trying to be chill about it, so far that's working, but we'll see how soon I can get rescheduled. Good thing it wasn't an in-person appointment.
    • BEAN_CHILD
      yaaaaaaay :DDD
    • TrIIIy
      I have a Carhart work coat that is amazingly warm. It also is great for passing in public, because it covers my torso. I got it at Academy.
    • TammyAnne
      ShawnaLeigh I hope everything goes well for you. Sorry that you've already had to endure surgery there without the results you'd wished for (orchi I mean). Maybe third time is the charm? TA
    • A. Dillon
      Oh yeah, those are really high quality and masculine in their design. They can last for years.   If you are trying to navigate your fashion surroundings, looking for what is worn in your area is the clearest way to get on track. 
    • Jackie C.
      My surgeon? I've got just a hair over one more week. Well, a shade under two... Eh, eleven days.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Well for @ShawnaLeigh's case, sure. There are lumps. Those need to be addressed and tested for Bad Things. The guy in Farmington Hills does orchis on the weekends for $10K a pop. Jar included. I only know about him because he does the work with just informed consent which is unusual. Most doctors require the standard two gender therapist recommendation letters.   Hugs!
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Yes I told you it would happen.  It was not a welcome thing for me either.  Quite the opposite.  I will pray for you to you know who.  
    • VickySGV
      In some states that is illegal, I don't know about yours.  Mine were sent to a lab that sliced them up to check for cancer which thankfully did not happen.  Sending them for that purpose helps insurance companies have a reason to pay the bills for the Op too.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...