I'm not sure who I am yet, but here is my journey

[Jynestia]

I've written and erased this a few times... but here goes.

 

Right now I go by Jyn. I am 33 and AFAB, but that has never felt right. I am pretty new to interacting with the community, so bear with me if I don't say all the right things. Most of my life I have operated as my birth gender and straight, and even though I am more open about who I am now I am still easily viewed as a straight woman. I've been hiding behind that wall forever, and I've treated it as my safety net.

 

From a very early age I just rejected gender norms. When I was very young, it was really no big deal. I got labelled a tomboy and everyone moved on. I accepted that, but I still didn't feel completely right. I had trouble bonding with other girls, even the "tomboys". I was much more comfortable with the boys, which was problematic as most boys of that age are of the opinion "Ew girls". I had a few friends, but I remember being told on more than one occasion I couldn't play because I was a girl. The neighbor boys let me play, but at a handicap because I was naturally a bit rougher than them even then.

 

Even pre-puberty I realized I found girls attractive. I felt very confused about this, and thought maybe I was supposed to be a boy. I was pretty religious at the time and wondered if god had made a mistake. I was initially afraid of these thoughts. I had nightmares that I would suddenly grow male parts one day. Over time it didn't seem like nightmares anymore, and the dreams were a welcome escape from reality. I kinda hoped it would happen, and even checked some mornings to see if it had.

 

Somewhere in 6th or 7th grade I just decided I wasn't going to dress feminine anymore, and dressed exclusively in boy clothes. I tried hard to get my boy classmates to accept me. I was rejected harshly and lost nearly all of my friends. Around that time I became aware of what intersex was, and wondered if that was me? I worried more and more as my other classmates went through puberty and I didn't. I was very late, almost 14 when it happened. All the time I became more and more worried I was a boy, and that became scary again as I had been rejected.

 

Once I finally started puberty, the summer before I started high school I made a decision. I needed to reinvent myself and be female at all costs. Being female was what was expected of me , and if I didn't I would be rejected forever. I asked my mother to buy me a whole new feminine wardrobe, and she enthusiastically obliged. I think she had been worried about me, but was letting me do my own thing. It worked. I made friends, and even had boyfriends. I was still picked on a little but most people forgot the earlier years and I got to just be.

 

Late in my sophomore year I started questioning things again. I had a female friend come out as at least bi-sexual and asked out another female friend, which freaked everyone out. I played middle man and simply asked why it was such  a big deal? You can say you're flattered, but it's just not for you. Everyone abandoned our bi friend except me and one other girl. Having witnessed her rejection, I didn't dare mention  my own feelings.. but at least I could support her. I was letting go of my religious background and feminine foundations again, but I did not know what to do with it all.

 

The summer between my sophomore and junior years I spent in Tennessee with my sister. I don't know why I did it specifically, but I suspect I wanted some distance from my hometown where I did not fit in. That's when I met two friends who changed everything for me. I learned so many new things, new ways of thinking. I listened to a rock genre for the first time ever and at that time it was a BIG deal to me. Cruising down old dirt roads in Tennessee with my slightly older friends listening to Nine Inch Nails. Feeling open, completely accepted, and different. The main friend I made there taught me I could be whoever I wanted and F everyone else who tries to tell me different. I made some confessions to her, but not all. When I went home I was different.

 

I went back to my junior year in boys clothes again and I finished school that way. It just felt right to me, and I had a job and money to buy whatever I wanted. People tried to bully me again, but I had a new attitude and I wasn't standing for it anymore. I still didn't have words for what I was, but I knew it wasn't what I had pretended to be. When I came out as bi in my junior year a girl threatened to beat me up, but the person who had shrunk away in fear was gone. I welcomed the threat and challenged her to do so. It ended in a couple ugly stare downs, but she backed off. I came back with a new energy to not only support my friends, but defend them as well. I was still the weird one no one seemed to like, but I didn't really care anymore.

 

I didn't know what trans, or gender non-conforming, or non-binary was at the time. I had never heard the words or seen the people until my senior year of high school. I did not take it well. You know those super homophobic guys everyone teases is lowkey in the closet? I behaved exactly like that, except with trans people. The only thing I can say is that it had to be out of fear. When I had tried to claim anything other than my birth gender from an early age people destroyed me. Why would someone subject themselves to that? I am embarrassed to admit to the point I participated in a debate about it in my senior year, and in my very conservative rural community I was declared the winner... and invited to be an extra on the team... I would take back everything I said then now if I could.

 

That happened late in my senior year and in the following year I did a bit more struggling and soul searching. I came from a traumatic past. My mother abandoned me with my stepfather, who was super creepy (and in jail now as a sex offender) and I wanted out of that house bad. I decided, again, I needed to drop the boy stuff and just be a woman if I ever wanted to get out, get married, have a family, and be happy.

 

I succeeded for a few years. I got married, moved out, and had 3 children in an ultimately unhappy marriage. Surprise, it ended because I do not fit the mold of a housewife or a woman. I started experimenting with dressing as a man... among other things... and came out as genderfluid. My husband left.

 

I went through some more back and forth stuff... always primarily dating men who didn't want anything other than a woman. But that's ok right? I am genderfluid... so I will choose to present feminine to keep them happy. Surprise again, that doesn't work. I got a short haircut and the guy I was dating at the time FREAKED out. It suited me well however, and the ladies LOVED me.

 

After that relationship ended I decided I was letting other people decide who I was, and committed to being single until I had that sorted. It has been over 3 years now but I am closer now than I have ever been.

 

I identify more now as non-binary... possibly trans-masculine. I am definitely looking for a name change, but I don't want to commit until I decide what I am I guess. I'm just enjoying the process of finding out what feels right.

 

Also, those friends I talked about that were bisexual and accepting of me? We lost touch and recently got back in touch. They were some of my first non-binary and trans friends. Other friends I connected with the most and lost... have all come back the same... and I am finding I relate with trans and non-binary people way more than I have anyone else in my life. I finally feel like I am on the right track to being the me I have always been meant to be.

 

Sorry if this is long and rambly... but hello! Here I am! I am looking forward to making new friends as I continue this journey!

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  Your story is in keeping with the ones of a large chunk of us here. 

[ToniTone]

Hi Jyn, and welcome! This forum is a great resource full of friendly people glad to have you here with us?

I'm also 33, and found much of your story relatable. 

 

~Toni

[Jani]

Welcome Jyn.  You're in friendly company here.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Belle]

Hi Jyn! Welcome to the forum! I loved your story, thank you for sharing with us I think you'll find it very welcoming and supportive here.

 

Belle ❤

[Robin68]

Welcome Jyn! I certainly identify with the emotional struggle with gender dysphoria you seem to express, even though I am MtF. I know you will find kinship with a segment of people here who are much like you. This is a safe, supportive place.

 

Hugs,

 

Robin 

[Astrid]

Hi Jyn!  I appreciated your taking the time to describe your journey thus far in some detail.  Although I am AMAB, there was much I could identify with in your story as someone who has, over time, evolved to a gender identity of non-binary.  You're not alone!  

 

Wishing you well as you continue your journey,

 

Astrid

[Jackie C.]

Welcome Jyn!

 

Sorry, I'm late to the party, I was out with friends.

 

I'm glad you found us here though. Welcome to the community. I think a lot of us feel the way you did. We try to conform to make others happy. It hardly ever turns out well. That's just not who we are. It sounds like you're on the right track though. Taking your time. Figuring things out. Enjoying the ride.

 

I wish you joyous discovery. We're here if you need us and there are volumes of information here to help you on your way.

 

Hugs!

[Jynestia]

Thank you all for the welcome and warm wishes ❤

 

And yes, I am glad to be enjoying the process. I might not be there yet but boy do I feel better every day!