For those in transition: Could you stop and/or go back?

[KymmieL]

I came out to the VA in late Aug 18. Began seeing a gender therapist shortly after. Started my transition(taking blockers) little less than a year ago. Last Halloween , when I went out in all girl mode.   my wife had a blow up. I said I would stop. Shortly there after I came to the conclusion that I have to be who I need to be.

 

This is something that my therapist asked me. Could I stop and /or go back to CIS? Meaning stop HRT, cut my hair, wear all birth gender appropriate cloths. It actually took me a couple of sessions. I finally realized that I myself cannot stop and got back to the former me. It would cause me a serious mental problem to do so. Even thinking about it, got me choked up and brought me to tears. It is even now just writing it.

 

Can you stop?

 

Kymmie

[Cyndee]

Hi Kymmie, I transitioned years ago, but I can tell you in hindsight "No" to your question. Once I lived full time, and had a taste of the good life, there was no going back....

 

Good luck with your situation, remember that being flexible with your loved one is always a good thing. I went slow and my wife and I are still together after all these years.

 

Cyndee

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Well, I couldn't go cis. I've never been cis. I could probably cram myself back into the closet. I would absolutely hate it. It would almost certainly result in the resurgence of my depression and the attendant difficulties including self-destructive behavior. So, while I could if, for example; It was the only way to preserve my life (like say we were conquered by weirdly gender obsessed aliens or something), it would be a temporary measure at best. I'd resume the march towards my end.

 

So yeah, while I could physically stop. I really, really shouldn't. This is easily the most affirming thing I've ever done. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Honestly, just being off HRT for my impending surgery is making me crazy. I miss my serenity terribly, and yes, the very idea of going back to the old me (my brand-new biggest fear) made me break down and cry.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

4 hours ago, KymmieL said:

 

Can you stop?

No.  I was born this way.  I did not chose it. I am it.  

[KymmieL]

Jackie, I am with you. If I stopped it would be catastrophic to my well being. 

 

Shawna, Me too. It just took me a while to realize it.

 

Kymmie

[ShawnaLeigh]

54 minutes ago, KymmieL said:

Shawna, Me too. It just took me a while to realize it.

Now if we could just now knock some sense into our wives.  

[Belle]

Though I haven't gone hardly anywhere in transition yet, I still would not go back. I don't want to be "cured."

 

This week I've made several milestones that have helped me with the assurance of my identity. Today I had a couple's therapy session with my wife. It was hard, and her saying things like "I don't care how effeminate he is. I'm supportive as long as he can accept that he's a man and not go beyond that" made it harder.

 

I was writing an email to my GT afterwards and said "I want to be seen and pass as a cisgender woman by everyone but still be known as trans by those closest to me." After I finished that sentence my entire body relaxed and my anxiety and depression completely disappeared. These sorts of things have been happening to me this week, and this time I've been able to hold on to it. I keep saying that sentence to myself when I start to feel the anxiety or depression creeping back.

 

So, "no way" to your question. I become more certain of my identity as a woman every day. I don't see an option but to fully transition (except maybe bottom surgery) and never look back. It doesn't matter who in my life can't accept it. I will not survive without it.

 

Belle ❤

[VickySGV]

It would cost too much and be a total mess if I did.  This is my 7th anniversary of GCS and you do not undo that.  Not to mention I just submitted my Birth  Certificate change paperwork up to the California Dept of Public Health, Vital Records people. 

[Carolyn Marie]

I have known people who de-transitioned for medical reasons, or because they wanted to keep their families, careers and spouses.  People do what they need to do to survive.  Everyone is different.  Every situation is different.  I don't judge others, and I wouldn't want anyone to judge me.  Besides, I'm a harsher judge of myself than anyone else is.  Could I return to a male life?  Sure, if I had to.  Would I want to?  No.   Would there be a reason for me to do that?  I can't imagine one.   But would it be impossible?  Nothing is impossible.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Sarahnr1]

 

14 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I came out to the VA in late Aug 18. Began seeing a gender therapist shortly after. Started my transition(taking blockers) little less than a year ago. Last Halloween , when I went out in all girl mode.   my wife had a blow up. I said I would stop. Shortly there after I came to the conclusion that I have to be who I need to be.

 

This is something that my therapist asked me. Could I stop and /or go back to CIS? Meaning stop HRT, cut my hair, wear all birth gender appropriate cloths. It actually took me a couple of sessions. I finally realized that I myself cannot stop and got back to the former me. It would cause me a serious mental problem to do so. Even thinking about it, got me choked up and brought me to tears. It is even now just writing it.

 

Can you stop?

 

Kymmie

 

To me going back from who i am  would  simply end  my life (yes i would  leave this earth )  I have traveld  WAY beyound the  point of no return since many years ago  (pretty mush since the day i woke up  and  fealt i AM a woman like it or not  this is youre destiny  )

 

In answer of youre question i belive you answerd  youre own  question with that last statement of serios mental health problems + just the thoght  of it brings you distress. What you need to do is talk to youre wife  about how you feel and then give her  time to properly digest  this  and  sadly accept  if she  cant  accept  this  and  youre  path's  must be separated  im sad to say.

 

What  has to be the  most  important  aspect in all this  is  how do YOU  feel about  it  can YOU be happy  going back to Cis  ?   If the anwer  is  no you cant then  you have the  anwer  to youre question.               

[Belle]

16 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Started my transition(taking blockers) little less than a year ago. Last Halloween , when I went out in all girl mode.   my wife had a blow up. I said I would stop. Shortly there after I came to the conclusion that I have to be who I need to be.

I know how this feels. My wife "let me" have makeup and clothes but wouldn't let me wear them. I had to tell her I wouldn't. When I did again and she caught me she blew up and did serious damage to our relationship and my life.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that she is going through this as much as I am, just on the other side. She doesn't want to lose our relationship any more than I do. Even though my gender is not my choice I am asking a lot from her. If it's hard to grasp even for me when I'm experiencing it, how much more difficult is it for her?

 

But she does have some walls up that will have to come down if we are to stay together. I cannot continue pretending to be cis.

 

Belle ❤

[Susan R]

12 hours ago, Belle said:

Though I haven't gone hardly anywhere in transition yet, I still would not go back. I don't want to be "cured."

Belle, I’m with you here. I like myself much better as a female than I ever did as a male.  Others have “in a matter of speaking” said they like the new me a little better.  I have less repressed anger, quickness to anger, and overall more empathy as a person.  And on top of all of that I am much happier in life overall.  So if there was suddenly a magic pill available to reverse my gender identity instantly...I think I’d pass on it.

 

Susan R?

[MiraM]

I could if I wanted to be a miserable, suicidal POS that cared about nothing and no one.  That's not the person I am today, so no, there is nothing that could ever make me want to go back to living life under the facade of being a male.  Like has already been said, since transitioning, and living my truth, I am more at ease with myself and the world.  To go back would also jeopardize my sobriety due to all of the mental anguish and self hate that would accompany it, and that is not something I am willing to do.  At 55 years of age, I actually feel alive for the first time in my life.

[Charlize]

There is always the chance that i will be denied HRT due to my heart condition.  If that were to occur i would continue to live as myself as i have done in the past , pre HRT and when i had to stop for health reasons.  I am finally content as myself and would hate turning back.  I guess i could but can't see a reason unless the political situation went nuts.  Even then all my paperwork is mine.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[A. Dillon]

For me, I can hardly believe that I made it this far without doing anything. Now that I am here, I don't think that I could ever let myself give into the fear and go back in the closet, no matter how afraid I am. I used to be in denial, but going back now would mean that I am denying very reality, and I don't think I am capable of doing that and living. I was so close to being dead already; if I did it again, I would not be so lucky as to survive. 

[Sarahnr1]

My self i have been fighting against my self most of my life although i known i was a transsexuell woman and  i was also thoght to be a girl when i was born and have all my life fitted the girls way rather then the boys (according to my mom and all my family members )  but although i fought brave i lost my battle as well around mid 30  `s  (when i transitioned before that i was still in the closet or so i thoght as most around  me had alredy known since even earlier then that what i am )  and had no choice then to accept who i am and with or without  HRT or SRS  i knew  i HAD  to transiton  and i havent looked back once  since i did it.  it was this  or  the  WRONG way (suicide ) nothing  in between .Sink or swim it dident matter. I was  am still prepared to pay what ever price to be able to be the reel me &  im NEVER  going back  (luckily tho in my case  im 101  %  accepted  both by family /my friends  and all around  me  who have known aparantly since day one they met me im told  )                 

[Ashlee]

No no no! I can't ever go back. I won't. This is the real me and I finally like me. To try to go back would kill me. 

[KathyLauren]

Having doubts is a normal part of this process.  Whenever doubts arise, I just ask myself if I could go back.  The answer is a resounding no.

 

I have never been suicidal, fortunately.  But when I thought about how it would feel to have to live the rest of my life as the male that I thought I was, I can see how such thoughts could arise.  The very idea filled me with horror.  It was that thought that motivated me to come out to my wife in the first place, and that thought that kept my going when I had doubts.  Luckily, the doubts get fewer the further I go.

[SaraAW]

I’m pretty sure I’ve grown too big (not physically, as I was and am already a tall gal) to be shoved back into the tiny closet I escaped from. In all seriousness, I would not want to. If it was a matter of life and death, I might be able to hide for awhile, but I don’t think I’d survive doing it for too long, now that I have started to see me and the world through my true eyes. 

[Laura76]

Not sure if it was this site I saw a link to an article that stated those that de-transition are in the minority, and de-transition because of external pressures, (money, family, friends, job, support, religion, social constraints, etc). The article also states that a high number of those that de-transition resume transitioning months, or years later.

[Belle]

51 minutes ago, Laura76 said:

Not sure if it was this site I saw a link to an article that stated those that de-transition are in the minority, and de-transition because of external pressures, (money, family, friends, job, support, religion, social constraints, etc). The article also states that a high number of those that de-transition resume transitioning months, or years later.

I would like to see that article. When I first started realizing what was going on I watched a movie with my wife called Tranzformed. It is a documentary created by detransitioners (by the way, gigantic trigger warning for the movie). I would like to see the full stories of those people, and see if any of them are changing their minds now.

 

This movie has been a huge source of confusion, difficulty, and dysphoria for me. And it certainly didn't help my wife move toward accepting me.

 

Belle ?

[Jackie C.]

Well, here's one...

 

Dispelling the Myths About Trans People 'Detransitioning.'

 

We're hard to study, because there aren't a lot of us and, by nature, we do not advertise our trans-ness. The biggest study ever conducted to date was less than 200 individuals. Even so, I'd take a movie penned by a minister with a grain of salt. I've heard way more stories about people who have chosen to live in misery to avoid offending their god in some way.

 

Hugs!

[Sarahnr1]

Actually despite what is said in this otherwise brilliant article over here  (and also Finland for what ever reason actually ) FTM are sadly in MANY cases regretful of there  transiton (usely done  WAY to young and all done  with the  sergery etc...  )   and its  a HUGE problem this days  that to young  (ie  under  18 )  TS   being  given both HRT  and all the rest (incl sergery .)   and sadly over here  theres  no way back  as far i understand this  with FTM.    

 

Its also important  to way in that  transiton is NOT the  magical gift that will magically  make youre life   a  living dream despite how many that claimes this. Its also  vital that if you go this route  you HAVE  to be  101  %   clear  on EVERY aspect of this desition  and the  possible price we may have to pay (or not  )and of course also what we  have to winn as well .   +  its also WELL known   that HRT   often  mess  with youre mental  mind  (hence im  refused to get my HRT  and   SRS due to my diagnosis i would  literly  go under  without   proper  support  24 /7 for the  first  year  or so   )  i have had  friends  (TS  )   that had to stop HRT on the count they were going  cracy   ( and i mean banarnas ) not to mention depression is  all to common  as well . Add to that if youre expectetaions  of this are not  in line to what  actually is duable.  other  words  its VITAL to have youre   actuall facts  on what  this step does  mean   and how far youre able to get .

 

All this said  let me be clear  im NOT against  any  transiton in any age (although SRS  or  the  other way for  FTM  )  to young   can and have been in many cases  gone the wrong  way .SO   its VITAL to get  proper  help   as  young  most defenetly  BUT   sadly im forced to say   that its  better to hold  on sergery  until 18 +   same with HRT   (blockers  fine  )    its  MANY  young TS  around  USA   that have to stop HRT as there mind  is  going   (ie depression etc...  ) same with  others that started  HRT   +  also many medical  risk factors  that force them to stop  of course  

 

Same with  de transitioning  in general for some the  price to pay for this gets to high (incl they feel they cant  as it would indeed offend there god  & religion )  and so they feel forced to get back to there assigned birth. And  sadly they end up in many cases  brokend  down un happy and  in most cases miserable lifes  and also some commit  suicide.  This is the SAD  facts  of  being  TS                                     

[Sarahnr1]

Forgot to add  and  over here as well  with those on HRT  that had to stop because there mental problems.   

[Jani]

5 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

that thought that kept my going when I had doubts.  Luckily, the doubts get fewer the further I go.

Doubts are common, but if you're on the right track they subside.

 

59 minutes ago, Sarahnr1 said:

Its also important  to way in that  transiton is NOT the  magical gift that will magically  make youre life   a  living dream despite how many that claimes this

This is the critical point to understand.  Transition does not solve all the worlds problems.  

 

While there are some that bemoan "gatekeepers", taking a good long time to grasp all the ups and downs of transition and coming to peace with your inner self can never be overstated.  Its always nicer when looking over the fence.  But no doubt this is hard work, emotionally and physically. 

 

Jani