Giving Advice and Second Guessing It

[Susan R]

My wife & I are attending an inclusive church regularly now and afterwards we attend an adult class at the church.  Right now, we’re in the middle of a 7 week study called ”Dialogues on Sexuality”.  The class focuses on LGBTQ+ inclusiveness, birth gender, gender roles, church patriarchy, and gender identity.  It’s been very good.  I think this class is the church’s way to get the members of congregation to learn, understand and adopt their “inclusiveness doctrine”.  It’s early in the game but they’re trying so hard and for the most part, we feel very welcome there.

 

My wife brought one of the class members over to me after the class was over.  My wife had been talking to her and confided with her in the small group time.  The nice woman had an interesting question for me. Her daughter is a 36 year old MtF.  The daughter is now called by her new female name by everyone except her.  So this lady asked me, “If my daughter hasn’t specifically asked me to call her by her female name but has asked others in front of her to use her female name, should I continue to use her male birth name?” Then added, “Do you think she minds?”

 

I had to pause and think.  I said, ”You're using all the correct pronouns, why not match that when you address her and do what she asks the others around her to do.”  I added, “I think out of respect and love, she is simply not correcting you.  Make her day and starting right now, only use her new female name...see how she reacts. Or you could just ask her but doing it out of your own volition will probably make her happiest” 

 

I honestly don’t know if I gave her the best advice because on the small chance her daughter wanted only her to call her by her birth name I could of messed up a good thing.  I just saw it through my own eyes.  Well, this lady and then my wife started tearing up and she now wants us to get together.  I’m just hoping I helped instead of hampered the situation.  I really don’t know the daughter so it’s a hard call and wondering if I there was any advice, different or not, you all would’ve given this nice lady.

 

Susan R?

[Jackie C.]

I would have been a little more direct and said, "Maybe you should ask her." That's just me though. I can't think of a reason I would be uncomfortable if my mother started calling me by my actual legal name and using the correct pronouns. Well, I might be a little skeeved out. We're not close and she's been hostile about it up until now. She'd be up to something. Your new friend though, she seems sincere.

 

I don't see anything wrong with your answer. It never hurts to try and make a loved one more comfortable when you're talking to them.

 

Hugs!

[VickySGV]

Asking the Trans person is always in good taste and correct manners.  My only caution is to do it at a private time between the two of them.  

[Susan R]

Thanks ladies, I trust both of you for your sage advice.

 

Susan R?

[Charlize]

I would have done the same thing you did Susan.  I say that from my own experience.  It has taken my son many years to properly name me and not refer to me as Dad in public.  When we are together in private it doesn't bother me but in public it can cause confusion and embarrassment.  If the woman does use her daughters chosen name and it disturbers her daughter i'm sure she will say something.  My guess is that she would see it as a final acceptance.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Well yes and no.  My dad still uses the nickname I used for decades.  It sounds silly when he does it.  My wife even commented on it when we last saw them.  I'm at the point of not caring anymore since I'm comfortable with who I am and if its said loud enough in public, he's the one who seems odd.  Plus we don't see my parents face to face regularly.   So the daughter just may see it as not worth the effort. 

 

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

My guess is that she would see it as a final acceptance.

This would be a nice outcome.  

 

Jani

[Susan R]

@Charlize @Jani Thank you both for the reassurance.  I never want to ruin a good thing with a family relationship.  I was playing it safe to some degree but when you have only bits and pieces of a particular situation you’re serving an entree of ‘best guess’ with a side of ‘wisdom’.

 

Thanks again,

Susan R?

[Carolyn Marie]

I think you did just fine, Susan.  I would have replied in pretty much the same way.  I hope it brings mother and daughter closer together.

 

Carolyn

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

I hope it brings mother and daughter closer together.

Thank you Carolyn Marie, that’s my hope too.  If it was me and my mother started calling me Susan without my ever mentioning it to her, I’d be ecstatic. But everyone’s different.

[ShawnaLeigh]

10 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

I think you did just fine, Susan.  I would have replied in pretty much the same way.  I hope it brings mother and daughter closer together.

 

Carolyn

I agree.  I see that you did just fine.