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KathyLauren

My biography

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KathyLauren

I have introduced myself, covering where I am today.  It is nice that there is a separate section for biographies.  So this is more about how I got here.

 

I was born in 1954, and was immediately assigned 'male', based on insufficient evidence.  My first trans memory, though I didn't understand it at the time, was, at age 7, looking at a picture of a pretty girl and wishing I was her. 

I always had a feminine streak.  I got my mother to teach me to bake cookies, and how to follow a recipe in general.  She sewed a lot of her own clothes, and I always "helped" (i.e. watched) her.  To this day, I do the sewing in our house.  When I was in my thirties, I asked her to teach me to knit.

My teenage years were mostly un-memorable.  I didn't socialize, and had very few friends.  I was the kid who was picked last for team sports, and the one who was always picked on.  That culminated in being sexually assaulted when I was in high school.  I compensated by getting good grades.

I tried to observe how boys acted and tried to emulate them.  I couldn't understand why it seemed to come so easily for them, but always remained a mystery to me.

After university (Computer Science, of course), I joined the RCAF, learned to fly, and then taught flying.  It was a ton of fun, but I still had no social life.  I lived in fear of my fellow pilots finding out that I was still a virgin.  After I got out of the air force, I went into IT and stuck with that career until I retired a few years ago. 

I remained single for a long time, which allowed me to experiment with cross-dressing.  I found that I really liked it.  When I realized that it was not all about eroticism, I started to realize that there was something going on.  I just felt more comfortable, more myself, when dressed.  I didn't figure it out, though.

Meanwhile, my regular male life carried on.  I eventually met and married my wife.  Of course, the women's clothes had to go.  I was "fixed", and whatever was "wrong" with me was gone.  (or so I thought, hopefully.)  However, the urge to dress remained very strong, and gradually got stronger.

In 2015, I attended a scientific conference.  The keynote talk was given by a scientist who appeared to me to be a trans woman.  That caught my interest, because over the years, I had wondered if perhaps I was trans, a thought that I always quickly squelched.  This was the first time I had encountered a trans person in real life, and I was curious how she would be received.  I paid close attention to the remarks from audience members after the talk.  Everyone was talking about her subject matter, and how interesting the talk had been.  There was not a single comment about her personally.  This opened my eyes to the fact that a trans person (me, perhaps??) could possibly survive being out.

It took my about six months of investigation to conclude that I was absolutely, positively transgender.  And it took another six months to work up the nerve to tell my wife.  She was immediately supportive!  I started seeing a therapist, got my letter to start hormones, and my transition was under way.

 

In hindsight, I see so many things in my younger years and teens that finally make sense in the light of being trans.  My life would have been so much different if I had been able to figure it out back then.  However, I am not complaining.  I still don't have an active social life, but I have a wife who loves me and supports me.  I have colleagues at the theatre where I volunteer who like me, respect me as a person, and respect the work I do.  Life is good.

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TrIIIy

Sounds like you have you stuff together, Kathy! Good for you. It’s never too late to make a change.

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Carolyn Marie

"Meanwhile, my regular male life carried on.  I eventually met and married my wife.  Of course, the women's clothes had to go.  I was "fixed", and whatever was "wrong" with me was gone.  (or so I thought, hopefully.)  However, the urge to dress remained very strong, and gradually got stronger."

 

Yes, this sounds a lot like me; always hoping something would "cure" me.  If it wasn't falling in love and getting married, it was growing a mustache and doing something macho and dangerous.  But it never worked, and didn't for you, either.  We have all come to realize that being trans can't be cured, but there is a sure fire way of beating the dysphoria, and its name was transition!

 

Thanks for taking the time to tell us about yourself, KathyLauren.  I know that it can be a difficult thing to do.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Charlize

Thank you for sharing about your life Kathy Lauren.  So many parts of your story mirror my own.  Perhaps the biggest difference is that  after staying back in the 3rd grade i was no longer the smallest kid so i avoided being the target of bullies.

This journey to self acceptance was  hard but so worthwhile for me as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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absolutely dying inside.  The more I do that, the more mentally impaired I become.  I become clumsy, distracted, and unable to process.  I lose my short-term memory.  Life just gets stressful.   I finally broke about three years ago and ended up in the hospital.  What I felt was the absolute end of my life was actually the beginning.  I stopped being focused on all the bad things that happened and all the regrets I have (and there are many), I started focusing on what I do have.   After my break I spent 3 months in a homeless shelter and another 9 months in transitional housing.   Three years later, I have a job I never expected to get at a wage I never expected to earn starting out in the industry I am in now.  I am getting ready to see what else is out there for me.  I have a roof over my head.  It isn't perfect, but it is sufficient.  I have clothing.  Like most girls I'd like a lot more, but I have clothes to wear.  I have food to eat.  Maybe too much food.  I have a few friends.  I have finally come to terms with my gender dysphoria and am in transition.  It is far from perfect, but I have a lot of good things, and despite the 50 or so years of misery I am happy.   So, I go to bed every night being thankful.  When people ask me how I am, I say I am blessed.  It keeps me focused on what I have, and not what I don't have, or what I missed out on.  It puts the regrets and the painful past behind me and it dims the memory of the traumatic events and painful days and hours of where I've been.  It has become hard for me to believe I was the depressed mess I once was.   For me medication and an attitude of gratitude has been amazing.  Will there be an end to the pain before you reach your limit to manage it?  I think there will be.  I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I do know you can, one little step at a time, dig yourself out of the hole you're in.  You'd be surprised how focusing on the good will cheer you up a bit, which will change how you interact with people and how they interact with you.  You will find energy to get up from the computer and interact more with the world.  It may take time, but it will get better and better.   Keep us posted on how you're doing.
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