Four surgeries later, why do I feel the same?

[jae bear]

The title is a bit misleading, I know the answer but I’m curious what you have to say as well. I have now gone through breast augmentation, facial feminization surgery, and vocal feminization surgery, twice!

My divorce is final now, got all the judgment paperwork in the mail early this month, and oddly I still don’t feel a big change has happened even though I know legally it’s all good and finished. I still wish my ex was nicer to me, cared more about me or in someway had sympathy for me, but I doubt that’s in the cards and I am trying to find a way to put it behind me. For the time being it seems my family wants nothing to do with me but that might change someday, i’ll just keep waiting and love the people I have now, my friends and their families who have taken me in. I’ve also made family were I needed it myself, I reverse adopted a very nice trans man who finds me annoying and much like a teenager, but loves me nonetheless just as you would your own child, who could ask for more?

bottom surgery is coming up in about six months, somewhere in the middle of July, just trying to get prepared for that one is mostly work related. And of course there are other surgeries that I’d love to have further down the road just for myself, the bottom half facelift would mean the world to me.

all that being said I still feel relatively the same, still putting out the same fires and trying to live my life. I’ve been full-time over a year now and can’t possibly imagine anything but being a woman, the surgeries have given me such amazing confidence that I’m surprised how blessed I have been to be able to achieve those things... I am never misgendered anymore, it would be unthinkable now, and I quite enjoy being able to talk with people who once knew me but now see me as a complete stranger, sometimes we even talk about “him“ and I get to hear how they really thought about me.
Somehow I kind of wish I had become happier, I thought all along that somehow magic happiness would happen once these things fell into place, but what I’m finding is I’m still me, I’m still relatively the same person, but I do get to enjoy some new found confidence out in the world and feel very secure in being able to be the woman I always knew myself to be.

 

I’m curious what you think about all of this, tell me your thoughts...

 

Big hugs,

Jackie rabbit

[Jackie C.]

A friend of mine said to me when I came out to him, "Unhappy men transition into unhappy women." He's been out of the closet longer than I have and active in a lot of trans groups in his area (Northern Virginia if anybody is curious). His advice to me was not to rush into anything and enjoy the ride. Of course I didn't listen, but I don't feel like I'm rushing.

 

Well, I listened a little. I mean I remember the conversation. I'm just not sure his words meant what he thought they meant.

 

With a little (not enough) experience under my belt, I feel like he was saying exactly what you did. Nothing you can have done to yourself is a magic wand. The real transition comes from living authentically and accepting yourself. Without being able to look into the mirror and say, "This is me. I like me," whatever cosmetic thing you do to yourself doesn't matter. All that matters is you.

 

Maybe family doesn't accept your choices. Maybe you lose friends or heaven forbid a spouse. All those things hurt, but at the end of the rainbow (I'm going to use rainbow here. I feel like there should be a rainbow metaphor), the only place your happiness can really flow from is your own heart. Real, lasting happiness can't come from the outside.

 

So you replace your family with found family. The friends that desert you don't really deserve you. You find someone that loves the authentic you as much as you love being authentic. Of course you also cover your basic, day-to-day needs because who needs the hassle of being hungry and homeless. You go on as your authentic self and you build your own happiness day by day.

 

You still look fantastic. I am so freaking jealous of your hips... and if I'm being honest, your bust-line. Amazing work.

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

11 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

The real transition comes from living authentically and accepting yourself. Without being able to look into the mirror and say, "This is me. I like me," whatever cosmetic thing you do to yourself doesn't matter. All that matters is you.

Yep, this is it!  Couldn’t have stated it better!  I used to NEVER like myself in the mirror or in pictures.  As a woman, this is not the case....lol, just ask my wife. Haha.

 

11 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

A friend of mine said to me when I came out to him, "Unhappy men transition into unhappy women."

This statement sounds so logical when you first read it yet it has not been the case for me.  I was somewhat unhappy with some of my life as a man...and as a woman there are still issues in my life but overall there is no comparison between my old self and the new.  It’s analogous to moving to a new place and thinking your problems won’t follow and they’ll all disappear.  It doesn’t usually happen that way.  But with transition, I feel better equipped to deal with life as myself than pretending to be someone I was not.

 

Susan R?

[jae bear]

You said it Susan! I couldn’t agree more...

[Belle]

It almost feels like you are all saying that transition is never necessary; that dealing with existing issues is more important. If that's true then I need to stop thinking about transitioning at all and just try to accept being a woman in a man's body, eternally misunderstood and unseen.

 

I don't mean to come across as attacking at all, I'm just confused. I have everything to lose, and now it sounds like nothing to gain by transitioning.

[VickySGV]

My GCS happened 7 years ago, and while I have no regrets at all, one thing I learned was WHAT IT DID NOT DO which I am hearing here.  I will not encourage an undecided person to get any surgeries at all.  About the only thing I will encourage is getting some good dental work done if it is needed.  I will tell people my opinions on Dr's. if I have one, or will give comments on my recovery wisdom IF the other person is sure in their own mind they are going there. You do have to get your house in order and that will happen, surgery or not, and will continue on both sides of the surgery break that we take.  Much will pick up where it left off and does hit us as a downer while we are still not up to dealing with it.  The very worst though is that LIFE once again becomes ORDINARY and not the glamor we had in mind before the lights went out in the OR  (our lights, not the ones the doctors needed).  I have pieces of clothing I dreamed about wearing, and do wear, but those are moments and not the life itself.  I can put on fabulous wigs, and great make-up, but yes, they have become a "why bother" issue as I just comb my own hair.  I even have some masculine clothing items I prefer to female things now, and I won't get bent out of alignment if someone uses gender neutral pronouns on me. (Male does not fit though.)  You sound like you are fully on "The Other Side" even if you have one more trip to the Surgeon.  You are still very much one of us though.

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Belle said:

It almost feels like you are all saying that transition is never necessary; that dealing with existing issues is more important. If that's true then I need to stop thinking about transitioning at all and just try to accept being a woman in a man's body, eternally misunderstood and unseen.

 

I don't mean to come across as attacking at all, I'm just confused. I have everything to lose, and now it sounds like nothing to gain by transitioning.

You can’t look at it as losses and gains Belle. It’s a journey toward personal wholeness and balance.  Some take more steps then others that’s all.  Some feel transitioned with out hrt and some need the surgeries.  
You have to stop focusing on what you have to lose snd more on your peace of mind and soul.  Jmo

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Belle said:

It almost feels like you are all saying that transition is never necessary; that dealing with existing issues is more important.

 

Medical Transition IS important IF YOU decide it is needful and right for you.  The other stuff will be there no matter what you do is all I at least was saying.  It is an "AND" issue that those things along with your Transition be dealt with.  It is NOT do those things and all will be peachy keen. You will still have them as you shake off the anesthesia, that is all.  Surgery, HRT and anything else  will not take care of them.  It is part of our total journey.  

[TommieAnne]

Having just completed session 1 of laser hair removal, I was astonished how much better I felt with the fur gone. I was almost giggly, pleased with how things looked, felt good in my skin for the first time in who knows how long.

Changes made that make feel whole, as our authentic selves, are very important.

What my next step is going to be I'm not certain. Much soul searching and discussion awaits.

 

[Jani]

Jackie (Jae Bear) I know you well enough and do believe you are happy.  Sometimes its hard to recognize when we think of what we've lost.  Like you I've had horrible events prior to transition and yet I've survived. That pain may never go away but we build new lives upon those loses.  One door closes and another opens.  Remember the definition of happiness changes throughout our lives.  You seem to have attained that which is important to you vis a vis transition.  You come and go as yourself, you've met many nice friends, you're independent.  You need to define what happiness is to you.  And is it really all that important?  Yes, you are the same person, doing the same things, but I believe you are happier doing them!  Your ex is who she is and you cannot change her.  Accept who she is and move forward.  Unfortunately we can't all have fairy tale endings.  Not even the nicest of people.

 

All my best to you Jackie. 

Jani

[jae bear]

Hey Jani (and everyone else as well)

 

I certainly didn’t want to come off as unhappy, and I hope I didn’t cause any misconception about being upset with my life. I just found it interesting that I am still me, as odd as that may seem since anyone with common sense would understand transition does not change you, growth and Hardwork changes you. And grow and work hard I have, I have fantastic CIS gender Female friends that have adopted me and mentor me in many ways, this has helped me become a much better woman and in one particular case a certain friend has spent the extra time and effort to help me be a better person which in turn helps me grow and learn to be a better person who is happier with herself. The process of being happy is a life long effort, and I’ve been on that journey for quite some time and have made some progress, maybe my statement about not feeling much different was confusing but I thought it was a not so obvious truth that I now understand and wanted to share. Greatly appreciate everyone’s viewpoint but please remember I’m not unhappy, I’m not deliriously happy, I’m somewhere in between living my life and feeling like I get better every day, the surgeries just give me confidence, not happiness.

Big hugs to everyone,

Jackie rabbit

[Belle]

Thank you for sharing Jackie

 

I wish I were where you are honestly. I want the world to see me and treat me as a cisgender female. I'm just terrified I will look back and regret what I did to everyone in my life. But I also worry that if I don't eat my cake it will spoil and I won't have it anyways.

[Jackie C.]

14 hours ago, Belle said:

It almost feels like you are all saying that transition is never necessary; that dealing with existing issues is more important. If that's true then I need to stop thinking about transitioning at all and just try to accept being a woman in a man's body, eternally misunderstood and unseen.

 

I don't mean to come across as attacking at all, I'm just confused. I have everything to lose, and now it sounds like nothing to gain by transitioning.

 

@VickySGV pegged this already, and said it well but I'm going to add that JUST surgery (or HRT) won't magically make you happy. I've worked my backside off (maybe that explains why it's so darn flat) these last two years to become the woman that's been trying to claw her way out. I know I'll never look like I think I should in my fantasies, but with all the hard work I've put in to improving myself, I can look at myself in the mirror and see the real me and she smiles back.

Five days from now I'm taking another step to chisel her free. It's funny now, but while I desperately want bottom surgery, it's as much for legal reasons (my state has absolutely hateful TG laws) so I can live as myself as it is to quiet my dysphoria. I could probably continue with just HRT if there were no other options. On HRT I can mostly ignore the "problem area." It just matters less. I still much prefer what I'm going to wake up with some time Tuesday... (time of day isn't specific, I don't find out when I need to be at the hospital until Monday).

 

HRT is a slightly different animal. I'm not sure if everybody responds exactly the same, but on HRT I can think and feel more authentically like myself. My brain does not run properly on T. It's like feeding your car diesel gas (unless your car already runs on diesel in which case my metaphor has failed). There's stutters, false starts and sometimes it just freezes up or rages out of control. I absolutely hate how I feel running on T. Now that I know it could have been different, I'll kick and scream before anybody drags me back (and I've been working out, so you're gonna have a fight on your hands). That was actually my biggest fear when they took me off hormones for surgery: I was terrified that I'd backslide back towards the miserable person I was before. That (mostly) hasn't happened. The "problem area" keeps popping up in the dead of night and early morning to rev up my dysphoria but we're taking care of that. My emotional state is still in a comfortable place. I really, really miss my anticistamines though. I want them back!

 

Hugs!

[Belle]

 

5 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I can look at myself in the mirror and see the real me and she smiles back.

Five days from now I'm taking another step to chisel her free. It's funny now, but while I desperately want bottom surgery, it's as much for legal reasons (my state has absolutely hateful TG laws) so I can live as myself as it is to quiet my dysphoria.

After thinking about this more I've come full circle to realize "oh yeah, the biggest reason is so that the dysphoria goes away before I kill myself." The fact that I want it so incredibly much isn't enough for me to wreck my life, but staying alive is.

 

5 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

HRT is a slightly different animal. I'm not sure if everybody responds exactly the same, but on HRT I can think and feel more authentically like myself.

If I happened to be self-medicating HRT again ? I would be able to say that it has been keeping the anxiety and depression at bay better than SSRIs.

 

Good luck on Tuesday! I'm so excited for you ?

 

Belle ❤

[SaraAW]

I’ve thought previously on surgeries, but was taking a wait and see how I do with time approach. I started hrt only 2 weeks ago, but wow do I feel better. Still not happy with how I look, still going to therapy to work on all sorts of issues, but my fog is dissipating for sure. I don’t think, at least as of right now, that I will even be thinking about surgeries again until I’ve hrt quite some time to works it slow magic. 

[BrandiBri]

I just trying to catch up after being too busy and having internet issues. Jackie (Jae Bear) I am soooo jealous! I remember the scared little rabbit hiding in a bear suit back in 2017. You have come so far in you journey and are so beautiful! I am still plugging away on HRT, it has taken over two years for my t level to drop below 50, so my appearance hasn't changed much. Maybe now....?

 

I understand the feeling that nothing has really changed, just my outlook on life. My happiness has shifted from being married, raising a family and our small circle of friends to just a general overall happiness of being alive. I mentioned in another post that i am a16 year old girl in a 72 year old male body (not in those exact words).

 

Good luck with your upcoming surgery.

 

Hugs, ❤️

Brandi 

[Lexi C]

Sorry I am with Belle what's the point then...better off just being a dude who wears make-up..I mean If i don't get my surgeries  done this year, I am about finish with this f up world. I have already waited almost 3yrs for my facial and voice feminization but nothing. God know when or if I will ever get my BA. God this sucks...sorry I being a downer  

[ShawnaLeigh]

7 hours ago, BrandiBri said:

understand the feeling that nothing has really changed, just my outlook on life. My happiness has shifted from being married, raising a family and our small circle of friends to just a general overall happiness of being alive. I mentioned in another post that i am a16 year old girl in a 72 year old male body (not in those exact words).

This me too.  It hit me like a ton of bricks when it was all explained to me by my therapist.  At that moment every little quirk in my life that never made sense was clear to me.  But I thought on this deeper.  I like me.  I like being Shawna but Shawn was a great person and ya know what.  We are very similar in personality.  That's ok.  My female teenaged personality that emerged has grown passed this now with experiencing what it is like to be a grown women and be "out there" for all to see.  I don't feel afraid or frail or unexperienced anymore and I see I still have tons to learn but I am learning and I feel wonderful.

Yes I want to look pretty and be viewed only as female but I do not want to loose everything that made me "Me" from my past.  Those inner thoughts and feelings are all mine still.  They got me to where I am.  It would of been nice to get here four decades ago but that's water under the bridge now.  Now they all make sense to me and I can be at peace with who I am and who I am becoming now that I know the truth of myself.  Then the acceptance of this truth.  I don't know how to change how to think or feel inside my brain.  There is no surgery Id want for it anyways.  Do not fight it just go with it.  Who you are inside is beautiful.

 

OMG being trans is the hardest thing anyone can do and be.  Its like a tornado to some folks life.  It destroys everything but from the wreckage comes change and rebuilding.  The flowers sprout and bloom again and the sun still shines.  yes we have rainy days.  Bad storms and terrible times but those pass too.

For others its a nice comfortable change with little difference to deal with.  We all have to struggle though and the struggle and triumph over it makes the rewards all the sweeter.  To me anyways.

 

@Alex C you are stuck in a rut hon but you are not buried.  It sucks.  Yes.  Its hard to deal with and constantly drags you down.  How can yo go on?  Day by day minute by minute of need be.

Things slowly move forward and eventually it will all happen.  All you can do is pick yourself up and press on.  Is that easy? NO it is not. Can you do it?  YES or wither and die.  No one wants that for you believe me.

Giving up on your dreams to just be you is the worst form of torture I can imagine now. I cold not go back for all the money in the world.  How anyone could decide to not be themselves for someone else's "love" or to make life a bit easier for others around you, hiding to make life a bit easier for you but then anguish in your inner pain to not be you.  I simply can not fathom it.

 

It may be wrong to say but you have to be a bit self centered at this time.  Being yourself takes a huge effort for someone trans and although I am not saying shut others out or don't care how they feel, it is about you now and how you feel. Your mental health and wellbeing. Everyone here on TP knows just how unjust it feels to not be granted something so basic as just being yourself.  Things Cis take for granted every second of every day.

When does that equate to being less important then everyone else around you though?

Ok so you may get to a point where you don't care what others think.  That's good.  That's confidence.  How do you think now?  What do you feel now?  That's the hard part.

Does a physical trait define you?  No. Is body hair, or beard shadow, big nose or brow ridges make you and man? No.  Do boobs, butt and hips make you a women?  NO!

Your heart, mind and soul are who you are.

They are a beautiful women from where I am standing.

 

 

 

 

[TommieAnne]

5 hours ago, Alex C said:

Sorry I am with Belle what's the point then...better off just being a dude who wears make-up..I mean If i don't get my surgeries  done this year, I am about finish with this f up world. I have already waited almost 3yrs for my facial and voice feminization but nothing. God know when or if I will ever get my BA. God this sucks...sorry I being a downer  

I am also in a holding pattern for HRT. I cannot begin to express the anxiety, upset and distress just sitting here waiting is causing me. It's very debilitating.

I suppose objectively the community at large is more supportive of someone "just being a dude who wears make-up." But I don't feel like a dude. Nor can just being a guy that sleeps with guys provide me the sense of being me. In fact, I feel as out of place in that scenario as I do just trying to pretend to be an everyday, normal male.

I don't expect whatever amount of transition I am able to undergo to be a magic answer for all my issues, but I am fairly sure it addresses my unhappiness at feeling trapped in the wrong piece of equipment.

TA

[Lexi C]

Hey Shawana ty..I really appreciate the kindness, but like Tammy I just can't see it. I am putting all my eggs in this I need  look like a woman to be a woman basket. anything  else  will MAKE  ME feel like a fake and fraud....so this better happen bye 2022 or I SWEAR TO YOU I will not be alive if it doesn't   

[ShawnaLeigh]

5 hours ago, Alex C said:

Hey Shawana ty..I really appreciate the kindness, but like Tammy I just can't see it. I am putting all my eggs in this I need  look like a woman to be a woman basket. anything  else  will MAKE  ME feel like a fake and fraud....so this better happen bye 2022 or I SWEAR TO YOU I will not be alive if it doesn't   

Oh please don't say that.  Or think it more so.  You are to precious a person and friend to many here and I am sure to many more in your personal life that love you.

I understand the desperation but "ending it" by doing that is not the answer.  I don't have the answers and as you know it is something personal and a thing you have to discover for yourself.  No one can do it for you.  We are all here to help as we can though and I hope this does make you feel a bit better and loved by us here.

 

[Emily michelle]

Please don’t do that you are an amazing woman. I understand what your going through it’s hard and there is no good answer. I have similar issues every day and I’m not even on hrt yet I just hope I can afford it. I have thought about ending it all many times even last night I told my wife I don’t belong here. We are all in this together we just have to keep working at it.

[TommieAnne]

6 hours ago, Alex C said:

Hey Shawana ty..I really appreciate the kindness, but like Tammy I just can't see it. I am putting all my eggs in this I need  look like a woman to be a woman basket. anything  else  will MAKE  ME feel like a fake and fraud....so this better happen bye 2022 or I SWEAR TO YOU I will not be alive if it doesn't   

Oh Alex, none of us can really know what the future holds. Please don't try to cut it short. There is always hope, always a way, even if it's not clear at the moment.

I'm one to talk, I know. I've been getting to a place of desperation a lot lately.

But I still plod along.

TA

[jae bear]

Alex, things happen in time, things happen for a reason, and we aren’t in much control of our lives or anyone else’s life for that matter but we do get to make decisions about the pathway we travel. The best any of us can do is take things one day at a time... I completely understand your anxiety about the length of time, in fact we all understand that too, know that we are all behind you here and want this for you as badly as you do. Sometimes we voice our frustrations to our friends and those we love because we want to be heard... Alex I hear you, I understand you, I will be super excited when you do get those surgeries and I want to share the victory With you when it happens! Keep us all posted!

Hugs,

Jackie 

[michelle_kitten]

I think for me there has been one drastic change that has come without a single surgery, which has contributed to my happiness.  I am no longer living a lie.  I am no  longer trying to hide who i am and burning all the time and energy that goes with that.  Living a lie requires work, and is stressful at times.  Living authentically is a lot less stressful, and therefore frees me to be a happier person.