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Mamamaria

What if one parent does not believe in transgender

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Mamamaria

Hi,

 

My child (15) came out to me about two months ago and is now  living as a boy, at home we accept him and in school they have been accepting. He knew he was a boy for over more then three years and suffered a lot before and still is suffering. His father and I have not been together for a long time and he lives in another country, they see each other once or twice a year. Unfortunately the father does not believe in transgender and blames me for calling him his new name. Apart from the pain this causes my child it also blocks him from getting therapy as we need his signature, but above all I just wish he could support our child and be a father for him, this is the time he needs as many people supporting him.

 

I do not know what to do and this is hurting my child so much, breaking up with his dad would be the healthiest solution for this moment but my other child has a good relation with his father but in a loyalty conflict now as well....

sorry I had to get this of my chest

 

Any idea or suggestions are welcome.

The father is from Cuba and only speaks Spanish

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Jackie C.

I'm sorry to hear that @Mamamaria. Unfortunately, all you can do is talk to him. If he refuses to listen for the good of his son, your choices are loyalty to your husband (I'm guessing you're married because of the signature thing, feel free to slap me if I'm wrong) or to do what's best for your son. What your husband is doing is abuse. He might not think so from a position of ignorance, but it has and will continue to do long term damage to your son's psyche.

 

Maybe you can work out a deal where his other child gets visitation, but it's best for your trans son that he be allowed to live his life without being abused by his father. If you're feeling especially generous, you can lay down an ultimatum, "Either respect your son's identity or get out of my house." I don't like ultimatums though. They hardly ever go well. The best choice is probably just to tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and take his son somewhere safe. Maybe give him a month to see if he sees the error of his ways. If he doesn't... or won't... leave him for the sake of your son.

 

I know that's ugly, but you're in a bad situation. I wish I had a suggestion with more sparkles and unicorns. Unfortunately, due to ignorance and learned bigotry, some people just choose to persecute us. I'm very, very sorry you and your son have to deal with this from your husband. I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

 

Hugs!

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VickySGV

It may well be that your son's father may have to miss some visitation until the child is at adult age.  That is only 2+ years, and hopefully your son can last that long.  Here in the U.S. counseling issues for adolescents can be kept from both or either parent depending on what the counselor feels is in the best interest of the child.  For that matter, you can get counseling for yourself to prepare you to help your son.  Just because dad does not approve or "believe in" (a silly thing since it is not a religion or deity, sport, or the like) does not make the fact of your son's identity less real.  Your flag up there shows Germany which has a goodly number of support groups for parents of Trans children and dad cannot stop YOU from going to their meetings and getting support that will benefit both you and your son over the next 2+ years they are under any control of the father. Check with a local LGBT center to find those groups.  The LGBT center can also put you in contact with legal assistance to help with the visitation issues that may come up as well. 

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Mamamaria

Thank you both for your responses, sorry I only got back on the forum now. Unfortunately this situation with his dad caused my son to start cutting more and having more panic attacks, which have made him not go to school etc. We have spoken to a counsellor, we are Dutch but recently moved to Germany and do not speak the language, but luckily we found this nice organisation, they will help us further in the transition, also legally, so that is positive.

 

My son is so afraid of his father now and also does not want to loose him forever (the father can get very angry). I am just so afraid this is making my son so insecure and he has suffered so much already I try to say it will be alright and his father just needs time and better to keep a distance for now. 

 

Thank you for listening

Maria

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ShawnaLeigh

I am sorry for the situation you and your son is in with regards to his father.

I do not have anything that I can add as I am the "transgender kid" in this scenario.  My mother has completely rejected me and it hurts deeply.

So I want to say thank you very much for being the mother you are to your son.  You are amazing to me.  In this he is blessed.

 

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Jackie C.

What Shawna said. You are an amazing woman and I wish I had someone like you in my life when I needed it. @Mamamaria, you are one of my heroes.

 

Hugs!

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Mamamaria

Thank you for those beautiful words, crying at my desk now and if you ever need a home in Berlin, my door and arms for hugs are always open.

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