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Prison


Belle

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I've learned that the most important thing for marriage is commitment. No two people can get along 100% of the time. Commitment gets a couple through those hard times when they can't stand one another.

 

Right now I love my wife. I kind of like her still. But she keeps hurting me. She clearly has no respect for me. When I am home with her I feel like I'm in prison. I'm always under suspicion. I have to walk on eggshells. I can't bring up anything regarding gender.

 

The dysphoria causes such anxiety and depression already, and she increases it. And I go to great lengths to avoid confrontations with her because depression has me so drained already. Those arguments always lead me to the edge of suicide. It feels like it will never end.

 

When our eyes meet she still smiles as if everything is okay and we're still in love.

 

Anyways, not looking for anything from anyone, I just needed to vent. I'm so sad and emotionally exhausted.

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I have no sage wisdom to offer even if you did want it. Just, if you ever need to vent or need insight, reach out to us. Keep your chin up hun ?

 

~Toni

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Belle I am sorry to read that your life is like this but here is the place for you for find support and as you note, to vent as needed.  We all need a shoulder to lean on from time to time.  We're all here for that. 

 

Hugs, Jani

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Belle, like the others, I empathize with you and in some sense, feel your pain.  I hope you and your wife eventually find a balance in your relationship and are able to come to an understanding, whatever that means for you both.  As difficult as it is...try to stay hopeful.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

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7 hours ago, Belle said:

I've learned that the most important thing for marriage is commitment. No two people can get along 100% of the time. Commitment gets a couple through those hard times when they can't stand one another.

 

Right now I love my wife. I kind of like her still. But she keeps hurting me. She clearly has no respect for me. When I am home with her I feel like I'm in prison. I'm always under suspicion. I have to walk on eggshells. I can't bring up anything regarding gender.

 

The dysphoria causes such anxiety and depression already, and she increases it. And I go to great lengths to avoid confrontations with her because depression has me so drained already. Those arguments always lead me to the edge of suicide. It feels like it will never end.

 

When our eyes meet she still smiles as if everything is okay and we're still in love.

 

Anyways, not looking for anything from anyone, I just needed to vent. I'm so sad and emotionally exhausted.

 

You forgot  love and  mutural understanding & respect Belle

 

To me it sounds  like she is in denail and if this  is  as bad  as  you say you need to confront her (she either  listen or its sadly time to go separate ways  you CANT continue like this )  

 

Again this is  clear sign that something need  to change

 

I would  think she tries  her best to deny the  problem as she  indeed  loves  you  .BUT  the problem is  she  loves  her husband  .the  problem that i often read  about from those T`gs   married  is  that they kind  of  forget the  view  of the  wife  /GF  /BF /Husband . they are  usely straight  Cis   so they  married   /got  together with  etc...   whats  concidered natural and opposite  the gener  they are them self . and if said  partner  sudenly comes out and reaveal they are infact   the same gender as  them self  then this  will in reality make them a  lesbian or gay  couple  (nothing against  any of these  my self just to be clear  ) SO what we  have to try to understand  is  the shock that we give or loved  ones . The  treatment  you get from youre wife in this case  is not  uncommon   sadly  but  in this retrospect  should be factored  in.  

 

This said in no way should  you accept this  (understand  yes  )  and most defenetly not under said  circumstances  you describe  Bell. If she inded  loves you she should utliest  be able to LISTEN  and try to understand . then its  up to her if  she after  thural time of  thinking  of this  decide if she is willing  or able  to  understand  and support  you in this (nomether how far or were this lead  )  

 

If there is anything i can help with by just listen (read  )  my Pm is wide open Bell  so DONT try to take the last way out  (ie suicide )  and get help for youre anxiety and depression  (i know both of this diagnosis  well  and Severe on all  of them (incl sucidal ) so trust me on this  you NEED HELP NOW !                            

 

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3 hours ago, Sarahnr1 said:

You forgot  love and  mutural understanding & respect Belle

 

 

I have really nothing to add to @Sarahnr1's post but emphasis. She hit the nail squarely on the head. Everything you and she mentioned is incredibly important in a marriage, but it has to go both ways. You can't give all of yourself to someone if they refuse to give all of themselves in return.

 

As a demographic we have a stupidly high suicide rate. We're trying to bring it down. I think you both understand why the rate is so high and have the strength to help us keep it as low as we can. While I hope your wife finds it in herself to love Belle, there's only so much emotional abuse you can reasonably be expected to endure.

 

Hugs!

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Thank you kindly Jackie C  ?  Emphasis  was implied in the love & respect and understanding from my part.        

 

One thing i also fel i have to mention is even if youre partner decide to leave you ALWAYS  leave the door  open for them to come back  . And YES  this has happend  on more then one occasion  (incl  with one  TG  i managed to JUST stop suiciding  (just sent me her goodby letter & was ready to go)  due to the loss  of her  wife i managed to JUST in time stop her thank god  . They are since then now happily married still and living happily  wife and wife.

 

What i mean is you have to give youre partner TIME  to digest all this trying to push them you only risk them  step back .This is however  NOT  in cases  such as  described here.              

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3 hours ago, Sarahnr1 said:

Thank you kindly Jackie C  ?  Emphasis  was implied in the love & respect and understanding from my part.        

 

One thing i also fel i have to mention is even if youre partner decide to leave you ALWAYS  leave the door  open for them to come back  . And YES  this has happend  on more then one occasion  (incl  with one  TG  i managed to JUST stop suiciding  (just sent me her goodby letter & was ready to go)  due to the loss  of her  wife i managed to JUST in time stop her thank god  . They are since then now happily married still and living happily  wife and wife.

 

What i mean is you have to give youre partner TIME  to digest all this trying to push them you only risk them  step back .This is however  NOT  in cases  such as  described here.              

Thank you Sarah. This is helpful.

 

Things blew up again last night. She figured out I was self-medicating again. The growing chest gave it away finally. I'm trying to have hope, and I'm trying to survive. It's easy for someone to say I have a choice to not use hormones, but the truth is I am fighting for survival every single day. But I am told I am lying and not honoring God and somehow abusing my wife and children by doing this.

 

I wish it would all just go away.

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50 minutes ago, Belle said:

Things blew up again last night. She figured out I was self-medicating again.

 

I'm hoping it's because you shouldn't self-medicate, but from your context I'm guessing that's not the case. Please see an endocrinologist and do it right so you don't blow up your liver/kidneys. You need those.

 

I completely understand the desperation. I've been there. You think, "Anything to get closer to my goals, and my health be damned." I expect to be there again if my doctor ever says I have to permanently discontinue HRT. However, professional administration is the best and safest way to go with the least chance of stunting and/or other unwanted side effects (like death by liver failure).

That said, I'm a little jealous that your chest developed enough that your spouse noticed. Could you send the boob fairy my way? The girls could use a pep talk. Maybe the hip and butt fairies too if you happen to see them. I'm reasonably happy with my body, however I admit that there is room for improvement.

 

People say a lot of things. Especially when they're angry, hurt or confused. They strike out at the things they don't understand. Especially if they've been taught to hate them. Now, while I don't practice your religion, I was raised Baptist & Lutheran. You know that you're not lying. There is no greater hubris than to claim that you know the mind of God. Not only is being transgender not covered by the holy scripture, but Judaism (on which Christianity rests, after all Jesus was Jewish) recognizes six genders. Let's follow that up with a quote, "You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself." You know your truth. So, with that in mind, who is in the right?

 

I know you love your wife. I know you respect the community you have in the church. You probably even respect your pastor (you don't talk about him much, so I have to guess). In this case though, they are wrong. They are wrong about you and they are wrong about what path they think you should follow. Let me put it this way: Pursuit of happiness living as your authentic self or suicide. Which is the greater sin? Which path would God put you on?

 

I hope some of that helps. You're not alone in this. We're always here to listen and encourage.

 

Hugs!

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36 minutes ago, Belle said:

Thank you Sarah. This is helpful.

 

Things blew up again last night. She figured out I was self-medicating again. The growing chest gave it away finally. I'm trying to have hope, and I'm trying to survive. It's easy for someone to say I have a choice to not use hormones, but the truth is I am fighting for survival every single day. But I am told I am lying and not honoring God and somehow abusing my wife and children by doing this.

 

I wish it would all just go away.

 

Youre very wellcome  

 

Belive me  Belle i know were youre att  (- the  HRT and  partner  /child )  for me i had no choice any more either  then  transiton with or without HRT etc...  Or i was  gonna  leave this earth  simple as that.  Prior to this day i had  gone almost  banarnas 2 years  from my brain  messing with me 24 / 7 (and DAILY LONG talks  with my TS Mentor  )  with the same doughts  and  brain ghosts you are dealing with . I actually just woke  up one morning  and well i couldent get back to  the man i wasent  any more & had  more and more trobles  for a long time  to do  prior to this day  

 

Reg the  her accusing you of  lying and not honering god  well  ask her  were in the  bibel (i presume youre Christian or under the  god belief ) does it say its sin to be born in the wrong  body ?  She cant  as its NOT there  simple as that (no im not Christian BUT  i know  many that are incl my former  TS mentor /many friends of her  & currently also highly devoted  Christian woman with the same  struggle  before reg her faith  and  god) Transgenders have existed since the dawn of time and if you look at  the  animal  kingdom they are   there as well.  So its  nothing  new  at all. Nor is the  sad  story of  family  fathers  /or moms  in FTM that  are often accused  and  blackmailed  by there partners  to  remain  in there  boddies  gender when this feelings  start to surface.  

 

And  reg the self med i known a few that have done this and lets just say things  dident work out  (one i had to say STOP  as she was  actually going  compleatly crazy  (older then me )  & even as she  tried  to stop on medical  terms she  had her entire  hormone level  all messed  up and  beyound  the  point of no return even with  HEAVY  Testosteron treatment . So DO please  be CAREFUL   and  monitor this  regulary with the docs. there are  HUGE risks  from taking this  hormones.      

 

I sadly also see  you seems to be in Texas  and as far as i know and have understood this  the  Mighty bibel belt and this  is  a problem  by itself  sadly (ive lost count on how many Ts  i have talked  to from the bibel belt with same problems  as you & family  against them  from ALL ages .

 

I also know you feel there is  no end  to this  living hell   at the moment  but TRUST me there is .Its just matter of  you  finding that way  dear. and the way youre decribing this im afraid   seems  like  you and  youre wife need to TALK  about this  ONCE and for all  and if she cant dont whant to  accept  you as you are   then  based  on how bad  you feel  maybe its better to  take break  for alitle while

 

Again what you must try to understand  is  her  view  on this   she married  this   great  man  that seems to also be the father  of   youre  kids  and in her  mind  things  were  gonna  stay this way for life  and you were  all gonna  live happy. Now her husband  is on HRT  talking about  he is  infact  a She  so she`s  probaly more   lost here then you are.

 

She NEEDS  to somehow get it in her head that this is reality   and  its up to her to either  accept this  and  get to keep the same  partner  she married   only with another  body   and gender then she started  out with. and  some partners  actually  succed  in this   but sadly others  dont.  

 

And last DONT let her  use youre kids as Blackmail either dep. on how old said  kid is  most  manage to   adapt  to there  once  dad  becoming there  mom  /or wice verce  & you can STILL  be father to youre kids  and do /help them with  " manly stuff  " so youre NOT letting  youre kids down  youre EXATLY the same  person you were before this  destion   only  now  in another  gender role  thats it.  

 

Belive me i would dare to say many of us in here  (me included  ) wish the same   Belle

 

HANG in there   youre not alone  we  are all here  for you  Belle                   

 

                                           

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47 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Please see an endocrinologist and do it right so you don't blow up your liver/kidneys. You need those.

 

It has taken 4 years for a blood clot to finally dissolve for me.  I fully second this warning. 

 

I am sorry to say that I am not sensing LOVE in the situation here.  What I am sensing is a very dark situation involving personal control and an unmet need for belonging that is being taken advantage of.  I will not say who I think is doing what, but this has emerged in many relationships I have watched over the years.  What we call love in these circumstances is actually fear of change and fear of how others will or will not accept us.  It is not the person as a person whom we "love" but the safety and security of the symbolic relation we have with them.  I have been there.  I loved the idea of a marriage relationship and the status and financial safety it gave me, it was also a buffer zone from other stressful relations with other family members that I wanted to avoid, but my partner (ex) grew apart from me and it was love of the relationship not interpersonal love toward the end 30+ years ago.  She was the mother of our children who are now grown and mid 40's and I respected her for that and while my Transition only happened a few years ago, after our divorce we are "family" in a sense and I help her out with her medical problems for the sake of our renewed friendship and the kids, but know too well that I can never have a marriage relationship with her.  She agrees BTW.

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Another dear friend  of mien had to stop HRT as she  also got Cists  on her breasts and cant ever  go back on them. The  list of  risks with taking  Estrogen is long im afraid so self medication without  proper  monitoring from cert  docs  is  NEVER   a good way to go.        

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Thank you all for your love. It really helps having people care about me and reminding me of truth. I only have 20 days until my HRT consultation appointment and I've been back on SM hormones less than two weeks so hopefully I haven't done any damage. But it has done wonders for my mental health. After a few days I was no longer having suicidal thoughts throughout the day. They were only triggered when things got rough with my wife. My mind was clearer and I was no longer being useless at work. I feel so wonderful with E coursing through my veins. But relationship issues bring me back down. I plan to stop until my appointment.

 

It is getting to the point where a decision will have to be made. It is probably already at that point. I suspect tonight when we have a chance to talk she will force the issue.

 

This is an incredibly difficult life moment. The most difficult in my life by far.

 

Belle ❤

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36 minutes ago, Belle said:

I plan to stop until my appointment.

 

Good girl. You may have a cookie. ?

Seriously though, I worry about my sisters when they're doing something self destructive. I'm very, very happy that you're willing to wait. I can't touch my glorious anticistamines again until the 18th, so I'm suffering right along with you. Be strong.

 

You're closer to your relationship than I am, so I trust your judgement. We tend to hang on to things we cherish longer than we should. Sometimes it's like a childhood toy, well-preserved and cherished. Sometimes it's like the stuffed bear you had when you were a baby: often vomited on, threadbare and frankly starting to rot, but you still remember the good times you had when it was new. It sounds like before long, one of you is going to have to force the other to talk about it. There will be fireworks, but when it's over, it'll be over. One way or another. Then you can start to heal.

 

Much love Belle! Good luck!

 

Hugs!

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56 minutes ago, Belle said:

Thank you all for your love. It really helps having people care about me and reminding me of truth. I only have 20 days until my HRT consultation appointment and I've been back on SM hormones less than two weeks so hopefully I haven't done any damage. But it has done wonders for my mental health. After a few days I was no longer having suicidal thoughts throughout the day. They were only triggered when things got rough with my wife. My mind was clearer and I was no longer being useless at work. I feel so wonderful with E coursing through my veins. But relationship issues bring me back down. I plan to stop until my appointment.

 

It is getting to the point where a decision will have to be made. It is probably already at that point. I suspect tonight when we have a chance to talk she will force the issue.

 

This is an incredibly difficult life moment. The most difficult in my life by far.

 

Belle ❤

 

PROUD of you Belle you are taking the right steps in this. DONT  try to move to fast with this   accept this is  a long  journey but  you need to take it  slow and safe.          

 

Just try remain calm and ask her to be the same and im hoppfull that the too of you will find some way of  keep trying (crossing fingers  )  its VITAL  that you let her know  how bad you feel  about all this & much she hurts you with her  actions Incl that youre very close  on leaving this earth   and youre  anxiety and depression is thru the roof. This way she   has to factor in the reality of  the  risks  she   takes  of  loosing  you even if she is to force or convince you to stay as her husband (ie she then have LESS of mental advantage on you  then she has now)            

 

& reg the sucidal thoughts i have been having them since i was a kid its recently im upgraded to Severe due to some  BS   and  general as usual esculating  bombardment  of negative stress   from all ends  .  And  the fact  that you HAVENT done it yet tells  me and should  to you as well that you DONT want to take this step & also more important  that you are even more  Mentaly  stronger then you think you are  Belle.  

 

We all understand  and many of us been there Belle    

 

           

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2 hours ago, Belle said:

Thank you all for your love. It really helps having people care about me and reminding me of truth. I only have 20 days until my HRT consultation appointment and I've been back on SM hormones less than two weeks so hopefully I haven't done any damage. But it has done wonders for my mental health. After a few days I was no longer having suicidal thoughts throughout the day. They were only triggered when things got rough with my wife. My mind was clearer and I was no longer being useless at work. I feel so wonderful with E coursing through my veins. But relationship issues bring me back down. I plan to stop until my appointment.

 

It is getting to the point where a decision will have to be made. It is probably already at that point. I suspect tonight when we have a chance to talk she will force the issue.

 

This is an incredibly difficult life moment. The most difficult in my life by far.

 

Belle ❤

Please do stop.

Let the Endocrinologist work out dosages and hormone cocktails for you.

The kinds of damage you can do trying to wing it by yourself is often not recoverable. Some things don't grow back (liver, kidneys, etc.).

I am sure it's difficult, and I know you want to get "there" but it takes time and it really requires medical supervision.

Sorry for the soapbox lecture. I'm just concerned about you.

《《《 Big Hug 》》》

TA

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Belle, I understand being willing to do anything to make your marriage work - you definitely understand the commitment and vows you made; but trust me, sacrificing everything that makes you who you are will not end well, give and take cannot work when only one person is giving and only one person is taking.

Your wife has made the same vows you did. She has committed to being there for you too. If she is not even willing to try to meet you halfway because she is solely focusing on how this impacts her then she is the one walking away from her promise.

You probably had the verse below read out at your wedding, ask yourself how much of your wedded interactions would fit in with this passage since you started questioning your gender:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  

 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Even if she cannot understand where this is coming from because she has never questioned who she is, even if she fundamentally disagrees with the very idea of being transgender and thinks that you are having some sort of mid life crisis or breakdown (I am using some of my own most negative thoughts & doubts here to illustrate please do not take offence), as your partner she should still be trying to support you and find a way to work through it that is done in love to build you back up - you should not be the one walking on egg shells. 

Please, please, please do not do anything for a short term gain that will only cause long term harm. ?

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Belle honey you know I have your back on this. I have been angry for you and cried with you over this treatment.  I completely understand your situation as I feel I am living it with you.  Your friendship is very important to me and I just want you happy.  
I agree with all these folks and as you know I’ve said most of not all of this to you privately.  
I know what you truly desire but she will not allow you to be who you are and she will never accept it as you need her to.  I’m sorry for this.  I know exactly what this is like.  I’m living it too as your well aware.  
your are a strong women and you deserve to be happy.  I want you happy. 
We all love you. 
Shawna. 

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People care about you, Belle.  You can see it in the responses here in this thread and others.  Please listen to the people who care about you unconditionally and without prejudice.  You are valuable and important to many.  Like a bad dream, things will get better.  We all have events in our life that change our trajectory.  Sometimes it’s a much needed change.  This may be one of yours.  I know it’s painful beyond description but you have the wherewithal to get through this.  Don’t let it take your hope.

 

With warm thoughts and prayers,

Susan R?

 

 

 

 

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What's so difficult is that she loved and accepted me until she knew the depth of who I am. The truth I kept hidden for so incredibly long because I feared that I couldn't possibly be loved that way.

 

She was the first person who ever made me feel like unconditional love was possible. Moreso than my parents; my own mother who I adored.

 

She has proven that I was right to keep myself locked up. I could have had a good life... a good job, white picket fences, a loving family with a friendly dog and a porch swing. But I had to chase the restlessness. I had to try to heal because my coping wasn't congruent with the perfect life. Why couldn't I have kept my coping a secret? Why did I feel the need to be honest and transparent?

 

Now I face the ugly truth every time I pass the mirror. Every time I imagine a different body. Every time I hear someone call me a woman.

 

I keep getting braver. I wonder if tonight I will be brave enough. I feel like it's the last attempt to communicate the truth of who I am. If all else fails maybe that will work and I will finally be known....

 

I guess that's why using someone's deadname at their funeral is so offensive. The one thing they wanted to communicate to those who should love them, the one thing they gave their life to communicate, was deliberately ignored. It's the ultimate hardness of heart. The ultimate robbing of a person's dignity. For nothing but the sake of structure. The needs of the many apparently do outweigh the needs of the few, but at the cost of their own freedom. Such atrocities are a subliminal warning that society should never be challenged. To do so is to risk one's life in vain. The voice you hoped you finally had in death was still silenced.

 

But it's a double-edged sword. When we see such expression from others silenced, society actually gives the oppressed more incentive to challenge it head-on. We realize that our own death may also hold no communicative power, and that reduces the value of suicide as a form of expression.

 

So I will fight. I will press forward. I must die to those who would use my deadname at my funeral, and live to bring life to those who will open their hearts to listen.

 

Belle ❤

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49 minutes ago, Belle said:

She has proven that I was right to keep myself locked up. I could have had a good life... a good job, white picket fences, a loving family with a friendly dog and a porch swing. But I had to chase the restlessness. I had to try to heal because my coping wasn't congruent with the perfect life. Why couldn't I have kept my coping a secret? Why did I feel the need to be honest and transparent?

She was not right to keep you locked up. Yes as a male you had started that life.  It may of been an excellent life full of all the things you’ve wanted.  But you lived a lie.  In hiding out of fear of loss.  That’s no real life.  
Is all that gone?  Maybe. Maybe not. Certainly Not by your hand but by your wife’s non accepting and unsupportive way. Her opinions and feelings mean more then yours?  Her way of life is more important then yours. No.  It should be even. Caring.  That’s unconditional love.  
No one should have to live as a slave to another’s wants and desires.  No one!
 

I admit I had a hard time following your last words but got the gist  that you have decided to fight for who you are.  Suicide is never the answer for any reason.  
I am in your corner and always here for you.  I sometimes say things you don’t want to hear.  Some people need tough love.  Mostly just understanding. 
Love ya!  

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1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I admit I had a hard time following your last words but got the gist  that you have decided to fight for who you are.  Suicide is never the answer for any reason.

Yes sorry about that, it was stream of consciousness. I was writing as I was thinking it through.

 

Thank you for your words as always Shawna.

 

Belle ❤

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3 hours ago, Belle said:

What's so difficult is that she loved and accepted me until she knew the depth of who I am. The truth I kept hidden for so incredibly long because I feared that I couldn't possibly be loved that way.

 

She was the first person who ever made me feel like unconditional love was possible. Moreso than my parents; my own mother who I adored.

 

Except she didn't love the real you. She loved the shell, the armor you put on to hide yourself from people you thought wouldn't understand. She loves the facade you polished, day after day and showed to the world to protect yourself. Unfortunately, armor gets hot in the sun, it grows heavy. Before you know it, you're soaked in your own sweat, you smell like rotting meat and you can't drag the edifice you've built so much as another step. If you don't put it aside, the very weight of the thing you've built, the thing that's protected you, is poised to crush you under its immense weight.

 

3 hours ago, Belle said:

She has proven that I was right to keep myself locked up. I could have had a good life... a good job, white picket fences, a loving family with a friendly dog and a porch swing. But I had to chase the restlessness. I had to try to heal because my coping wasn't congruent with the perfect life. Why couldn't I have kept my coping a secret? Why did I feel the need to be honest and transparent?

 

Now I face the ugly truth every time I pass the mirror. Every time I imagine a different body. Every time I hear someone call me a woman.

 

Were you? Hiding under the armor was killing you by inches. Using the shell to protect yourself made things easier, but it never made them right. You could have moments of happiness, sure but you could never know the joy of living as yourself and feeling the breeze on your skin. It protected you, but it also smothered you. If you kept the armor on, kept pretending, it was going to suffocate you one way or another.

Pushing the armor aside, no matter how slightly, lets the fresh air in. It gives us hope. It gives us a glimpse of the woman within struggling to get out. People see her struggling and call out to her. They reach for her grasping hand. All they see is the woman inside the armor and they try to pull her out before she's crushed.

 

3 hours ago, Belle said:

I keep getting braver. I wonder if tonight I will be brave enough. I feel like it's the last attempt to communicate the truth of who I am. If all else fails maybe that will work and I will finally be known....

 

It's a little scary on the outside. You've hidden the real you for so long. You don't really know how to be yourself outside your shell. You're a little like a butterfly fresh from the cocoon, fresh, soft and helpless. You need a little time to find your wings. That's OK, it's nature's way. Still, you need to find the strength to make that first leap into the air and spread your wings. You can't fly until you've made that first jump into the unknown.

 

3 hours ago, Belle said:

I guess that's why using someone's deadname at their funeral is so offensive. The one thing they wanted to communicate to those who should love them, the one thing they gave their life to communicate, was deliberately ignored. It's the ultimate hardness of heart. The ultimate robbing of a person's dignity. For nothing but the sake of structure. The needs of the many apparently do outweigh the needs of the few, but at the cost of their own freedom. Such atrocities are a subliminal warning that society should never be challenged. To do so is to risk one's life in vain. The voice you hoped you finally had in death was still silenced.

 

Your deadname is a shrine to the armor that crushed you. The people who only knew the husk you tried to discard can be forgiven. The people who saw the butterfly struggling to escape, and crushed it, showed their true natures. Whether it was from ignorance, anger or a false sense of righteousness, they saw a beautiful creature struggling to be born and chose to kill it instead of nurturing it. I think that's why it's offensive. It's a monument to their cruel, ugly act. The worst side of human nature. "We killed this thing!" they shout in celebration. They never learned the lesson the butterfly was trying to teach and they stay trapped in their own cocoons of ignorance and intolerance. They might stay safe, but they will never be free.

 

3 hours ago, Belle said:

But it's a double-edged sword. When we see such expression from others silenced, society actually gives the oppressed more incentive to challenge it head-on. We realize that our own death may also hold no communicative power, and that reduces the value of suicide as a form of expression.

 

Those that have gone before serve to inspire those who come later and urge us to struggle and fight. When people come for us, we refuse to be crushed and leap into the sky. Soon the air will be full of the sound of flapping wings and the sky will be obscured by a rainbow of glorious, dancing colors. Our armor is left behind and we are free to live our lives.

 

3 hours ago, Belle said:

So I will fight. I will press forward. I must die to those who would use my deadname at my funeral, and live to bring life to those who will open their hearts to listen.

 

So here you are. Waiting for your wings to dry so you can take that leap. The people you thought were allies are closing in from all sides, but you refuse to be crushed. You spread your wings and scream your truth as you crouch, ready to take flight.

 

So yeah, I beat that metaphor to death. It could use some polish, but it's kind of pretty. It's 1am. There was a hot flash. I got up to get a drink, fix the timer for the downstairs light (it's new and woman or not, I don't read instructions for electronics) and check the forum. I'm probably not going to be able to sleep for another hour, and I'm proud of you for choosing to live and make your corner of the world a little brighter.

We're always here (I say we because I'm leaving to get the downstairs plumbing attended to tomorrow... well, tonight now. I'll be out of communication for a couple of days until I get released from the hospital beyond a couple of texts to close friends to tell them I'm OK. I'm sure someone will pick up my slack). We're always ready to listen and offer guidance and support. I love all my brothers and sisters. I wish you nothing but hope and happiness going forward.

 

Hugs!

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Belle wrote  What's so difficult is that she loved and accepted me until she knew the depth of who I am. The truth I kept hidden for so incredibly long because I feared that I couldn't possibly be loved that way.

 

She probaly still love you Belle but she  has a hard  time acepting that the  man she married  is  now  whanting to be  a woman    

 

She was the first person who ever made me feel like unconditional love was possible. Moreso than my parents; my own mother who I adored.

 

Thats so sad  in so many ways and im deeply sorry for youre  backround  

 

She has proven that I was right to keep myself locked up. I could have had a good life... a good job, white picket fences, a loving family with a friendly dog and a porch swing. But I had to chase the restlessness. I had to try to heal because my coping wasn't congruent with the perfect life. Why couldn't I have kept my coping a secret? Why did I feel the need to be honest and transparent?

 

NO she wasent  Belle  not even close  . And  what good  would  you have gotten from that  when you were  dying  in the inside ? Like  most of  us  ( NOT all some  manage to remain  and  find a way to cope )  we sooner  or later  loose  our  battle  against  our  self. And the honestly and transparance   is  vital part  of  both a  marriage  as well as  the posibility to be happy          

 

Now I face the ugly truth every time I pass the mirror. Every time I imagine a different body. Every time I hear someone call me a woman.

 

The first step  is  to accept  youre  body  Belle  .  because  whether we like  it or not  thats  what we got to work with.  Transition  is not all about the  outside    it comes  from within. the HRT  possible SRS    can only  do so much  you will still have  the same face as you   had before  and  pretty much the same with youre body   (shore  some changes  )    but not as  much as many belive.   

 

I keep getting braver. I wonder if tonight I will be brave enough. I feel like it's the last attempt to communicate the truth of who I am. If all else fails maybe that will work and I will finally be known....

 

Just follow  youre heart   

 

I guess that's why using someone's deadname at their funeral is so offensive. The one thing they wanted to communicate to those who should love them, the one thing they gave their life to communicate, was deliberately ignored. It's the ultimate hardness of heart. The ultimate robbing of a person's dignity. For nothing but the sake of structure. The needs of the many apparently do outweigh the needs of the few, but at the cost of their own freedom. Such atrocities are a subliminal warning that society should never be challenged. To do so is to risk one's life in vain. The voice you hoped you finally had in death was still silenced.

 

Thats  so sad  indeed   

 

But it's a double-edged sword. When we see such expression from others silenced, society actually gives the oppressed more incentive to challenge it head-on. We realize that our own death may also hold no communicative power, and that reduces the value of suicide as a form of expression.

 

Suicide  will NEVER  have EVER  been  the right way Belle. And most defenetly NOT as a form of  expression or protest towards  the society.  

 

So I will fight. I will press forward. I must die to those who would use my deadname at my funeral, and live to bring life to those who will open their hearts to listen.

 

Youre a fighter  like me Belle . You cant or wont just give up as its not in youre nature to do so. I fealt that from first i had the honer of meeting you in here. And  i KNOW you will somehow some day manage to get youre life  in order in youre  right  gender so DONT give up  keep fighting  for  youre goal.           

 

Belle ❤

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