Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Not sure where things stand


secondlook

Recommended Posts

After weeks of holding it in, I finally told my wife everything last night, or as much as I could put into words. She was understandably flabbergasted, blindsided, and upset like I've never seen her before.

 

She tried so hard to be kind with all her questions, and I tried to answer everything as best as I could. She seemed to be in some kind of emotional shock, which again, understandable. 

 

After hours of talking she put her forehead against mine and said, "I know it was hard for you to tell me this." I couldn't believe that in the middle of all this pain and confusion I put her through, she could still see how it must feel from my point of view. I just said, "It's a lot harder for you, I've had two weeks to think about it and you've had two hours."

 

When we both went to bed, exhausted from staying up too late and from extended crying, I cracked some dumb, unrelated joke and the two of us just fell into ridiculous giggles. I felt for a minute like maybe it could be OK.

 

Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up and could hear her sobbing out in the living room. She'd left the bedroom in hopes I wouldn't hear it, but sound travels in our house.

 

I've spent the morning reading articles and websites about what it's like to be the spouse of a transgender person, and I'm furious with myself that I didn't do this beforehand. I knew she'd be upset but I didn't really fully think it all the way out from her point of view. I realize that I just basically told her she has to decide if she wants to be a lesbian. 

 

I feel like I've hit a new low of selfishness. I should've tried harder to find a way to live with this body. Everyone I know, especially her, counts on me to be a man, and I'm putting my needs ahead of everyone else. I'm going to leave a path of emotional wreckage in my wake. If I wind up with the body I want, the gender I belong in, and no one in my life, what did I accomplish?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Congratulations on coming out to your wife.  That is one of the hardest conversations to have.

 

Yes it is hard on her.  Help her and support her as best you can.  But don't beat yourself up more than you need to.  You had to tell her.  What kind of husband could you have been to her knowing that everything you were and everything you did was false, and that the truth must remain hidden.  That would not be a good life for you or for her.

 

It is a tough road either way.  You chose the path of honesty.  Honesty is a good choice.  Now, you have to communicate well to work out a path forward that will work for both of you.  I wish you (both) good luck in moving forward.

 

Regards,

Kathy

Link to comment

Your accomplishment, is that you opened your heart up to the one you love. You did not lie to her, you told her your truth. You would have been miserable holding this all in , the pain would have built up and come out in a different way. Then you would lie by saying everything is ok, and that would have caused confusion and she would think it was her or someone else causing this. Dont worry so much about whoulda shoulda coulda, hindsight maybe 20/20, but you are in real time now. For now, be there for her. 

Women are as strong as men, if not stronger in most cases. Be the strong You. Dont worry so much about everyone else, be there for yourself and your wife. My friend and I had this talk, and I told her, that Im still me, so the "strength" I have had will always be there. I am not "changing," I am just telling you how I feel about who I am.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Congratulations @secondlook, your most difficult coming out speech is done. Now you just need to deal with the fallout. Give your wife time. She needs to process this. While she processes this, be there for her the way you always have. Maybe even be there a little more because you don't have some stupid "macho image" in your head of what you're supposed to be acting like.

Personally, I found that the male habits fell off pretty fast when I decided I didn't need them any more.

 

So now you find a way forwards. Your wife needs to understand that just because she's with you, that doesn't make her a lesbian. Heterosexual plus you is a perfectly acceptable orientation. Gender preference isn't any more binary than you are. There's no need to get hung up on labels. In the end, my wife decided that she loves "me." Packaging and presentation matter less than the person I am. This week she's taking me in for bottom surgery. Our marriage is stronger than ever and we both get to be happy. I wish you the same success.

 

Though she has made it a point to mention two different ways she can poison me with over the counter drugs while we're away. Probably not important. ?

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Good job. You did way better then I did.  It took me days to get it all out due to my blubbering and sobbing.  I went into it very unprepared and over time as I began to understand so did she.

 
My wife is hung up on the lesbian label.  It took me a long time to understand when others here told me it will not make her a lesbian if we stayed married.  Just because a wife decides not to end a marriage with her now trans spouse she does not automatically mean she likes all women now.  
Like Jackie said.  Her wife is straight+Jackie.  I like that way of looking at it.  
 

You had to do this and it is not being selfish.  You have every right to be the person you are as much as any one else does.  Ok sure.  You hid yourself for a long time.  You may even feel guilt for lying.  But you ca not look at it that way.  You just learned who you were and that she needed to come out.  You just started to understand yourself with education and acceptance here. 
it’s not easy on either side.  
You did the right thing and very well in my opinion.  
Give her time and understanding.  

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Your wife needs to understand that just because she's with you, that doesn't make her a lesbian. Heterosexual plus you is a perfectly acceptable orientation. Gender preference isn't any more binary than you are. There's no need to get hung up on labels.

 

I hope she can come to see things this way. For now she just keeps saying that she's confused and she doesn't know what she feels, and I can of course totally sympathize with what she's saying and feeling. But on the plus side she's also adamant that she doesn't want me to keep trying to live like a man just to make her happy. I'm in awe of her ability to see things from my perspective even when her heart is breaking.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

This week she's taking me in for bottom surgery. Our marriage is stronger than ever and we both get to be happy. I wish you the same success.

 

I'm so happy to hear this for you, you're such a rock for lost idiots like me.

 

48 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

My wife is hung up on the lesbian label.  It took me a long time to understand when others here told me it will not make her a lesbian if we stayed married.  Just because a wife decides not to end a marriage with her now trans spouse she does not automatically mean she likes all women now.

 

In regards to this, my wife seems to be taking a tack that I did not expect -- she accepts that I was a woman all along, and that I just didn't know it. The question she is asking herself is if that, in turn, means that she was a lesbian all along. I don't know how to help her with that. And I don't think she's asking it to get a reaction out of me or just because her mind is going wild, I think she's sincerely questioning now if there was a part of herself that she was ignorant of.

 

I really appreciate the kind words all around, my head is spinning and right now I feel like the best I can do is not to make things worse. The support I get here means more than I can say.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
38 minutes ago, secondlook said:

In regards to this, my wife seems to be taking a tack that I did not expect -- she accepts that I was a woman all along, and that I just didn't know it. The question she is asking herself is if that, in turn, means that she was a lesbian all along. I don't know how to help her with that. And I don't think she's asking it to get a reaction out of me or just because her mind is going wild, I think she's sincerely questioning now if there was a part of herself that she was ignorant of.

 

Speaking as a lesbian who is kind of loud about it, being a lesbian is awesome. If she does some research, she'll also learn that the Kinsey Institute says that bisexual females are so common, it's hardly worth mentioning. Or, in broader terms: It's OK to like girls. Lots of women are attracted to other women at least some of the time. It's not really worth stressing over.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Congratulations on coming out to your wife. I just came out to my wife as well. I completely understand your feeling of selfishness, I’ve been there as well. Before coming out I told my therapist and posted on another site how selfish I felt for coming out. My thoughts were how could I destroy everything why couldn’t I just suck it up and deal with this, I’ve been doing it for so long why stop now. The answer I received was I need to be happy and it isn’t selfish to want to be happy. For me when I was in denial I was extremely unhappy, a moody and angry person. I certainly made my family unhappy being being moody and angry. Long story short if your happy those around you will be happy. My wife has commented how happier I am and she is happy to see me smile more.

Keep communicating with her. Tell her you will answer any question she asks. My wife has been reading articles etc. One said that there are things you should not ask a transgender person, like their name. I told my wife I will answer any questions she asks. You will have ups and downs. One day things will be going great the next day it’s all tears. She is grieving the loss of her husband.

 

Hugs,

Angela

Link to comment
On 2/2/2020 at 8:17 AM, secondlook said:

I feel like I've hit a new low of selfishness. I should've tried harder to find a way to live with this body. Everyone I know, especially her, counts on me to be a man, and I'm putting my needs ahead of everyone else. I'm going to leave a path of emotional wreckage in my wake. If I wind up with the body I want, the gender I belong in, and no one in my life, what did I accomplish?


I am not so sure this is being selfish, rather it is who you are. You don’t really have a choice in the matter, you were born this way.  I think that your wife may worry that you have now found some other interest in life that may exclude her. I really don’t think they understand, as much as we try to explain, that we did not wake up one day and decided we wanted to be a woman- we already are.  My wife does not want me presenting as female outside the house. She says she is Ok with it in the house - but I think this is an area where you need to be careful and go slow. I think this can be difficult for them to see us dressed like this and wonder what others may think of them.

 

Hope things go well for you

 

Janae

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Janae said:


 I really don’t think they understand, as much as we try to explain, that we did not wake up one day and decided we wanted to be a woman- we already are.

 

Interestingly, she seems to get this part. She just wishes it wasn't so.

 

I've tried to convince myself that people manage to live without their wants and needs being fulfilled all the time. The world is full of people whose true selves are suppressed, maybe that's the price I have to pay. But I can't seem to police my own mind on this topic anymore. Now that the real me is awake, she's not going back to sleep! So I have no choice but to continue to navigate this, exploring who I am and trying to be sensitive to how that affects my wife (and eventually, the rest of the family, too).

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 105 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • Mmindy
    • Maddee
    • Charlize
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,944
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!
    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...