Passing is when people start the Pronoun shift on their own.

[Moira Arista]

I feel like you begin to pass as the gender you are as opposed to the one you're unfortunately born as when people start calling you by you're preferred pronoun without being told. This has begun to happen for me. More and More people are starting to call me She, or her, and Ma'am more then Sir. It helps when you present as your actual gender as opposed to the one that corresponds with the physical organ in or on your body.

[Cyndee]

That's nice when that happens, CONGRATS ! Providing cues to help their minds decide what word to use when addressing you pays you back over and over. This is all fine and great with people that don't really know you, I love passing to strangers, it's an awesome feeling. Where it gets a little more tricky is with those that knew you from "before". Like old friends, family members, neighbors, or colleagues at work. Getting those folks to use the right words, takes time and effort. I was pleased the other day to have a neighbor lady, we've known for decades refer to me as "her". She fully accepts me as female these days, even if she knows my past. 

 

Best to you

 

Cynthia

[Sally Stone]

It's obvious Mahaney, that you are comfortable in your feminine skin and that comfort and confidence is being projected so others can pick up on it.  So glad you are being recognized for the gender you are presenting.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[VickySGV]

In my beginning days over a decade ago, we called this stage the "MALE FAIL" period when our gender clues to other people were even more obvious to them than we could yet see in ourselves. 

[Wichita]

This is pretty much what I told my close friends to look for with regards to what/when to call me something different. I play XBox games with them almost every night.
 

The night after I came out, I said “lot the group “Look, you’re going to hear me refer to myself in the new way on here immediately, because I just have to. I have to get used to it sooner rather than later. But I’m not going to be all militant and hurt if you don’t. It’s an adjustment and I know that. It’s like my first lieutenant in the Air Force told me “You can call me what you want, just don’t call me ‘late for dinner.’ Also...in person/offline, you call me like you see me. I’m not switching out my public presentation until the hormones have made changes impossible to hide. So, if you see a man, go with that. Trust me, it’ll be painfully obvious when it’s time for pronouns to change. I can already tell you I know I’m definitely the girly-girl type. So when you see me in a skirt and heels, “he/him” just isn’t going to fit.

 

I believe it was the following night when one of the group was signing off and she said “goodnight gentlemen...er...gentlemen and lady.”

 

I wasn’t going to correct her, but it tickled me that she corrected herself.

[Teri Anne]

I am 24/7 and have been for a few years and I deff don't look all that male anymore so I get  ma'am most of the time.

[Emily Michele]

It’s a good day. In all my interactions I was addressed as ma’am, miss, or lady, without any promoting.  It’s usually a mixed bag, but today was 100% correct! I hope everyone gets days like that, and more often as time passes. (Maybe wearing the mask helps?)

[Ivy]

I've been thinking about this for awhile.  I'm not sure if this is the right place to mention it, but…

This is a hard thing sometimes.   I came out around 2 years ago, and have been on HRT since then.  But physical changes have been slow - probably due to my age (70).  They are happening but not really noticeable.  I've been presenting as female in public for probably a year and a half.  But I still am called sir practically everywhere.  I wear dresses and skirts almost exclusively - I just prefer them.  My hair is below shoulder length, and I carry a purse.  The few times when I am called "sweetie" or "honey" (only by women - this is the south after all) make my day.

I've come to expect to be misgendered.  To be honest, I doubt that I'll ever "pass".

But lately I've been wondering.  My intentions are obvious.  So why does this happen?  It's hard not to think it is a deliberate slight.

But I don't want to take it personal.

So I ignore it.  But it does hurt.  I knew this wouldn't be easy when I started.

But I'm not turning back.

How can I look at this better?

[Charlize]

Sometimes hair style is the biggest factor.  While i am bald and wear a wig, finding a style that worked was hard for me.  I had an image of longer hair but actually that was a younger persons style that simply didn't work.  When i found a shorter but still feminine style that helped.

I have to ask.....do you go to a hair salon?  Style can be every bit as important as length.

That may well not be the issue but being "age appropriate" was something my wife made clear to me early on.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

This may be something to consider.   I think I've just accepted that I look like crap.   It wasn't something I thought much about when I was living as a guy.  Lately it does seem to matter more to me.

Thanks for the suggestion.

[Teri Anne]

Jandi we all do the best we can and there will always be male markers that people will key in on that give us away no matter how good we can do make up ,hair, or clothing style choices.

[Alexxiss]

I found I started to pass even while I was presenting as a guy. My face became so feminine from HRT and daily grooming and skincare that people would hesitate to assign male pronouns to me and sometimes wouldn't even finish their sentence because it'd require assigning a pronoun of which I had no obvious pronoun assignment. I was as much female while presenting as male (with a highly feminized voice) which was confusing to people. I found it cute and just gave an understanding laugh and smile to those sweet souls. I agree with you that passing is when you are assigned chosen pronouns over given-at-birth ones. I think it's important to note that passing doesn't have to always equal people look at you and assign either M or F pronouns. I think passing has a bit more depth in that even if you don't fit (or don't want to fit) into a binary M/F, your presentation in dress, grooming, and personality all are sufficiently comprehendible for the people you associate with. From there, your charm will cause people to like you enough to respect your pronouns. I also find personality, grooming, and presentation take a lot of work but can achieved. I speak from a MTF perspective though where you can shave every day, use the most effective skincare, and you'll achieve a more feminine look in a month or less, that's not even counting HRT. Any way you cut it, transition is a lot of work, at least a half decade of learning new routines and skills and undergoing knifes and anesthesia; and in most cases a lifetime of medication.

[Teri Anne]

The whole binary non binary non gender conforming  thing I never really understood and maybe me being out longer than those terms being used had something to do with it.

I learned be yourself and present as the person you want to be seen as and in time people get to know you as "that person " .

I have seen some get misgendered and then get all mad about it and demand the person call them by the proper pronoun.

Most people have no idea about the pronoun thing or the MTF gender thing and they don't really know what or how to refer to us.

I was in a Target store and a young trans girl MtF got misgendered and she started to get really pissed and I walked up and took her arm and said look I was once where you are now so please let this go.

She looked at me and was kind of shocked and said you are trans? No way !

I made a friend that day and hopefully I helped her to deal with  a sticky situation.

[Alexxiss]

29 minutes ago, Teri Anne said:

I learned be yourself and present as the person you want to be seen as and in time people get to know you as "that person " .

This.

My therapist's daughter tried doing the FTM transition but after maybe four years they (meaning therapist's daughter) decided they were never going to be masculine enough so they decided to do the non-binary approach and it has worked with much more success. Just be yourself and if you don't fall within the lines then there's not a place for you too. It is our duty to be ready to politely educate people.

[Jani]

28 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

I often picture a point system in my head with everything that goes with it. I think that if I make a minimum amount of efforts I can reach the number of points to pass but I cannot have a buzz cut and still pass. Many cis woman can do that because they have enough points elsewhere (confidence, energy, looks, skeletal structure, etc)...

An interesting concept!  I am sure it is true in many situations as some women can pull off uber masculine looks and still be seen as feminine.

[Teri Anne]

It is a very interesting subject indeed.

So many feel they have to have fit a certain  slot along the gender spectrum and there are just so many slots that are different that it can be very confusing to new people dealing with gender issues.

That spectrum is so vast you may never find that perfect place where you "fit" in.I think thats where many have so much trouble  dealing with gender issues.

 

[Jani]

27 minutes ago, Teri Anne said:

I think thats where many have so much trouble  dealing with gender issues.

Generally we're raised not thinking about gender, its just thrust upon us.  As we in the TG community think about it a lot while others not so much.

 

[Jani]

23 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

I don't think I have control over that. Others kind of use rules I don't always understand.

You're probably correct Mary.  Its all in the eyes of the beholder.  I admit I don't understand the rules either.

[Teri Anne]

The younger crowd have this need to be a part of something or a group of people just like them.

I have worked with some younger trans teens and its all about belonging.

Me personally have always just done my own thing and never worried about what others think.

Back in high school I never felt the need to align myself to any clique or group.

[Alexxiss]

It's ironic because trans teens, trans in general, have never before "belonged" more than they do now.

[Teri Anne]

They are accepted more readily these days by society.

Way more than when I was trying to find my way thru all of this.

All I hear is how hard being trans is.LOL the problem is there are 67 genders and 100 gender variants you can claim to be no wonder they are confused.

 

[Alexxiss]

It's true our journey is way easier than it was before, and more advantageous for young people than ever before. Trans is more mainstream and accepted and protected under social norms and laws, at least in the US and UK and probably most of Eastern Europe.  Wow, 67 genders. I know it really frustrates non-LGBT people on the political right (most of them). It's hard for them to empathize with us because they are overwhelmed and have no interest in learning all 67 genders, especially when the ideological religious right still has trouble with Gay/Lesbian, let alone MTF and FTM.

[Lexi C]

I find tis topic very interesting. While i agree with most of you," Beautiful is in the eye  of the beholder". I also can relate to Teri. 

 I have being 24/7 now for 2yrs. Today was my 2yr annv on HRT.

At the beginning i would be piss if someone misgender me to the point were i would verbal enforce my gender on then. But I did not have the confidence i do now.

Like Teri said , I no longer care cause i pass all the time now and when i don't 100% pass fem, cause my voice or I am wearing a tight shirt and my shoulder show, i still have the mojo to let it not matter to me.

Wow 67 gender -what the heck-....Alexxiss is right no wonder people are having a hard time with the TG community

[Teri Anne]

You know I have found religious to be accepting even up in the mountains of Eastern Kentucky the rural people treated me and others like me just fine. They were respectful and asked questions but there was no hate whatsoever.

The most heat and hate I have encountered has come from LGBT people.

Radical feminists don't care much for us either. That has been my experience anyway.

 

[Teri Anne]

I read somewhere about 60 something genders and I thought what the heck are they talking about?

There are many ways to present sure but 60 + genders? I am not to sure about that LOL.