Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Passing is when people start the Pronoun shift on their own.


Moira Arista

Recommended Posts

I feel like you begin to pass as the gender you are as opposed to the one you're unfortunately born as when people start calling you by you're preferred pronoun without being told. This has begun to happen for me. More and More people are starting to call me She, or her, and Ma'am more then Sir. It helps when you present as your actual gender as opposed to the one that corresponds with the physical organ in or on your body.

Link to comment
  • Replies 50
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Teri Anne

    15

  • Alexxiss

    9

  • Jani

    4

  • Wichita

    3

  • Forum Moderator

That's nice when that happens, CONGRATS ! Providing cues to help their minds decide what word to use when addressing you pays you back over and over. This is all fine and great with people that don't really know you, I love passing to strangers, it's an awesome feeling. Where it gets a little more tricky is with those that knew you from "before". Like old friends, family members, neighbors, or colleagues at work. Getting those folks to use the right words, takes time and effort. I was pleased the other day to have a neighbor lady, we've known for decades refer to me as "her". She fully accepts me as female these days, even if she knows my past. 

 

Best to you

 

Cynthia

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

It's obvious Mahaney, that you are comfortable in your feminine skin and that comfort and confidence is being projected so others can pick up on it.  So glad you are being recognized for the gender you are presenting.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

Link to comment
  • Admin

In my beginning days over a decade ago, we called this stage the "MALE FAIL" period when our gender clues to other people were even more obvious to them than we could yet see in ourselves. 

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

This is pretty much what I told my close friends to look for with regards to what/when to call me something different. I play XBox games with them almost every night.
 

The night after I came out, I said “lot the group “Look, you’re going to hear me refer to myself in the new way on here immediately, because I just have to. I have to get used to it sooner rather than later. But I’m not going to be all militant and hurt if you don’t. It’s an adjustment and I know that. It’s like my first lieutenant in the Air Force told me “You can call me what you want, just don’t call me ‘late for dinner.’ Also...in person/offline, you call me like you see me. I’m not switching out my public presentation until the hormones have made changes impossible to hide. So, if you see a man, go with that. Trust me, it’ll be painfully obvious when it’s time for pronouns to change. I can already tell you I know I’m definitely the girly-girl type. So when you see me in a skirt and heels, “he/him” just isn’t going to fit.

 

I believe it was the following night when one of the group was signing off and she said “goodnight gentlemen...er...gentlemen and lady.”

 

I wasn’t going to correct her, but it tickled me that she corrected herself.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

I am 24/7 and have been for a few years and I deff don't look all that male anymore so I get  ma'am most of the time.

Link to comment

It’s a good day. In all my interactions I was addressed as ma’am, miss, or lady, without any promoting.  It’s usually a mixed bag, but today was 100% correct! I hope everyone gets days like that, and more often as time passes. (Maybe wearing the mask helps?)

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

I've been thinking about this for awhile.  I'm not sure if this is the right place to mention it, but…

This is a hard thing sometimes.   I came out around 2 years ago, and have been on HRT since then.  But physical changes have been slow - probably due to my age (70).  They are happening but not really noticeable.  I've been presenting as female in public for probably a year and a half.  But I still am called sir practically everywhere.  I wear dresses and skirts almost exclusively - I just prefer them.  My hair is below shoulder length, and I carry a purse.  The few times when I am called "sweetie" or "honey" (only by women - this is the south after all) make my day.

I've come to expect to be misgendered.  To be honest, I doubt that I'll ever "pass".

But lately I've been wondering.  My intentions are obvious.  So why does this happen?  It's hard not to think it is a deliberate slight.

But I don't want to take it personal.

So I ignore it.  But it does hurt.  I knew this wouldn't be easy when I started.

But I'm not turning back.

How can I look at this better?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Sometimes hair style is the biggest factor.  While i am bald and wear a wig, finding a style that worked was hard for me.  I had an image of longer hair but actually that was a younger persons style that simply didn't work.  When i found a shorter but still feminine style that helped.

I have to ask.....do you go to a hair salon?  Style can be every bit as important as length.

That may well not be the issue but being "age appropriate" was something my wife made clear to me early on.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

This may be something to consider.   I think I've just accepted that I look like crap.   It wasn't something I thought much about when I was living as a guy.  Lately it does seem to matter more to me.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Link to comment

Jandi we all do the best we can and there will always be male markers that people will key in on that give us away no matter how good we can do make up ,hair, or clothing style choices.

Link to comment

I found I started to pass even while I was presenting as a guy. My face became so feminine from HRT and daily grooming and skincare that people would hesitate to assign male pronouns to me and sometimes wouldn't even finish their sentence because it'd require assigning a pronoun of which I had no obvious pronoun assignment. I was as much female while presenting as male (with a highly feminized voice) which was confusing to people. I found it cute and just gave an understanding laugh and smile to those sweet souls. I agree with you that passing is when you are assigned chosen pronouns over given-at-birth ones. I think it's important to note that passing doesn't have to always equal people look at you and assign either M or F pronouns. I think passing has a bit more depth in that even if you don't fit (or don't want to fit) into a binary M/F, your presentation in dress, grooming, and personality all are sufficiently comprehendible for the people you associate with. From there, your charm will cause people to like you enough to respect your pronouns. I also find personality, grooming, and presentation take a lot of work but can achieved. I speak from a MTF perspective though where you can shave every day, use the most effective skincare, and you'll achieve a more feminine look in a month or less, that's not even counting HRT. Any way you cut it, transition is a lot of work, at least a half decade of learning new routines and skills and undergoing knifes and anesthesia; and in most cases a lifetime of medication.

Link to comment

The whole binary non binary non gender conforming  thing I never really understood and maybe me being out longer than those terms being used had something to do with it.

I learned be yourself and present as the person you want to be seen as and in time people get to know you as "that person " .

I have seen some get misgendered and then get all mad about it and demand the person call them by the proper pronoun.

Most people have no idea about the pronoun thing or the MTF gender thing and they don't really know what or how to refer to us.

I was in a Target store and a young trans girl MtF got misgendered and she started to get really pissed and I walked up and took her arm and said look I was once where you are now so please let this go.

She looked at me and was kind of shocked and said you are trans? No way !

I made a friend that day and hopefully I helped her to deal with  a sticky situation.

Link to comment
29 minutes ago, Teri Anne said:

I learned be yourself and present as the person you want to be seen as and in time people get to know you as "that person " .

This.

My therapist's daughter tried doing the FTM transition but after maybe four years they (meaning therapist's daughter) decided they were never going to be masculine enough so they decided to do the non-binary approach and it has worked with much more success. Just be yourself and if you don't fall within the lines then there's not a place for you too. It is our duty to be ready to politely educate people.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
28 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

I often picture a point system in my head with everything that goes with it. I think that if I make a minimum amount of efforts I can reach the number of points to pass but I cannot have a buzz cut and still pass. Many cis woman can do that because they have enough points elsewhere (confidence, energy, looks, skeletal structure, etc)...

An interesting concept!  I am sure it is true in many situations as some women can pull off uber masculine looks and still be seen as feminine.

Link to comment

It is a very interesting subject indeed.

So many feel they have to have fit a certain  slot along the gender spectrum and there are just so many slots that are different that it can be very confusing to new people dealing with gender issues.

That spectrum is so vast you may never find that perfect place where you "fit" in.I think thats where many have so much trouble  dealing with gender issues.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
27 minutes ago, Teri Anne said:

I think thats where many have so much trouble  dealing with gender issues.

Generally we're raised not thinking about gender, its just thrust upon us.  As we in the TG community think about it a lot while others not so much.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
23 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

I don't think I have control over that. Others kind of use rules I don't always understand.

You're probably correct Mary.  Its all in the eyes of the beholder.  I admit I don't understand the rules either.

Link to comment

The younger crowd have this need to be a part of something or a group of people just like them.

I have worked with some younger trans teens and its all about belonging.

Me personally have always just done my own thing and never worried about what others think.

Back in high school I never felt the need to align myself to any clique or group.

Link to comment

It's ironic because trans teens, trans in general, have never before "belonged" more than they do now.

Link to comment

They are accepted more readily these days by society.

Way more than when I was trying to find my way thru all of this.

All I hear is how hard being trans is.LOL the problem is there are 67 genders and 100 gender variants you can claim to be no wonder they are confused.

 

Link to comment

It's true our journey is way easier than it was before, and more advantageous for young people than ever before. Trans is more mainstream and accepted and protected under social norms and laws, at least in the US and UK and probably most of Eastern Europe.  Wow, 67 genders. I know it really frustrates non-LGBT people on the political right (most of them). It's hard for them to empathize with us because they are overwhelmed and have no interest in learning all 67 genders, especially when the ideological religious right still has trouble with Gay/Lesbian, let alone MTF and FTM.

Link to comment

I find tis topic very interesting. While i agree with most of you," Beautiful is in the eye  of the beholder". I also can relate to Teri. 

 I have being 24/7 now for 2yrs. Today was my 2yr annv on HRT.

At the beginning i would be piss if someone misgender me to the point were i would verbal enforce my gender on then. But I did not have the confidence i do now.

Like Teri said , I no longer care cause i pass all the time now and when i don't 100% pass fem, cause my voice or I am wearing a tight shirt and my shoulder show, i still have the mojo to let it not matter to me.

Wow 67 gender -what the heck-....Alexxiss is right no wonder people are having a hard time with the TG community

Link to comment

You know I have found religious to be accepting even up in the mountains of Eastern Kentucky the rural people treated me and others like me just fine. They were respectful and asked questions but there was no hate whatsoever.

The most heat and hate I have encountered has come from LGBT people.

Radical feminists don't care much for us either. That has been my experience anyway.

 

Link to comment

I read somewhere about 60 something genders and I thought what the heck are they talking about?

There are many ways to present sure but 60 + genders? I am not to sure about that LOL.

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 130 Guests (See full list)

    • violet r
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • MaeBe
    • Maddee
    • SamC
    • Ashley0616
    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bebhar
      Bebhar
      (41 years old)
    2. caelensmom
      caelensmom
      (40 years old)
    3. Jani
      Jani
      (70 years old)
    4. Jessicapitts
      Jessicapitts
      (37 years old)
    5. klb046
      klb046
      (30 years old)
  • Posts

    • awkward-yet-sweet
      The usual social ways, of course.  Taking care of my partners and stepkids, being involved in my community.  That makes me feel good about my role.   As for physical validation and gender... probably the most euphoric experience is sex.  I grew up with my mother telling me that my flat and boyish body was strange, that my intersex anatomy was shameful, that no man would want me. So experiencing what I was told I could never have is physical proof that I'm actually worth something.  
    • KathyLauren
      <Moderator hat on>  I think that, at this point we need to get the thread back onto the topic, which is the judge's ruling on the ballot proposition.  If there is more to be said on the general principles of gendered spaces etc., please discuss them, carefully and respectfully, in separate threads. <Moderator hat off>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      People who have no understanding of transgender conditions should not be making policy for people dealing with it. Since it is such a small percentage of the population, and each individual is unique, and their circumstances are also unique, each situation needs to be worked with individually to see that the best possible solution is implemented for those involved. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      No.  You are getting stuck on one statement and pulling it out of context.   Trans kids have rights, but so do non-trans kids.  That conflict is best worked out in the individual situation. 
    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Have you read the rest of what I wrote?   Please read between the lines of what I said about high school.  Go over and read my Taylor story.  Put two and two together.   That is all I will say about that.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I feel like I lost my husband," Lois told the therapist,"I want the man I married." Dr. Smith looked at Odie, sitting there in his men's clothing, looking awkward and embarrassed. "You have him.  This is just a part of him you did not know about. Or did not face." She turned to Odie,"Did you tear my wedding dress on our wedding night?" He admitted it.  She had a whole catalog of did-you and how-could you.  Dr. Smith encouraged her to let it all out. Thirty years of marriage.  Strange makeup in the bathroom.  The kids finding women's laundry in the laundry room. There was reconciliation. "What do we do now?" Dr. Smith said they had to work that out.  Odie began wearing women's clothing when not at work.  They visited a cross-dressers' social club but it did not appeal to them.  The bed was off limits to cross dressing.  She had limits and he could respect her limits.  Visits to relatives would be with him in men's clothing.    "You have nail polish residue," a co-worker pointed out.  Sure enough, the bottom of his left pinky nail was bright pink  His boss asked him to go home and fix it.  He did.   People were talking, he was sure, because he doubted he was anywhere as thorough as he wanted to be.  It was like something in him wanted to tell everyone what he was doing, and he was sloppy.   His boss dropped off some needed paperwork on a Saturday unexpectedly and found Odie dressed in a house dress and wig.  "What?" the boss said, shook his head, and left.  None of his business.   "People are talking," Lois said. "They are asking about this," she pointed to his denim skirt. "This seems to go past or deeper than cross dressing."   "Yes.  I guess we need some counseling."  And they went.
    • April Marie
      You look wonderful!!! A rose among the roses.
    • Ashley0616
      Mine would be SHEIN as much as I have bought from them lol.
    • MaeBe
      This is the persistence in thinking of trans girls as predators and, as if, they are the only kind of predation that happens in locker rooms. This is strikingly close to the dangerous myth that anatomy corresponds with sexuality and equates to gender.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      At the same time there might be mtf boys who transitioned post-puberty who really belong on the girls' teams because they have more similarities there than with the boys, would perform at the same level, and might get injured playing with the bigger, stronger boys.   I well remember being an androgynous shrimp in gym class that I shared with seniors who played on the football team.  When PE was no longer mandatory, I was no longer in PE. They started some mixed PE classes the second semester, where we played volleyball and learned bowling and no longer mixed with those seniors, boys and girls together.
    • Timi
      Leggings and gym shorts, sweatshirt, Handker wild rag. Listening to new Taylor Swift album while strolling through the rose garden in the park. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...