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Does coming to this forum remind you of being trans?


ShawnaLeigh

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ShawnaLeigh

Yes I realize that seems like a silly question because duh.  Yes.

But what I mean is that in the last few weeks I have let my female personality emerge and it is becoming more a part of my everyday life.  I don't just "want to be a women" anymore but that "I am a women" and living to just be me.  I'm not trying to pass or be accepted anymore.  Just be me.

I love this forum and it has saved my life.  Quite literally at one point I was going down a dark path and this forum was a light in the dark.

I have since felt I have help some in their struggles too.  Shared in the trails and tribulations of what we are all going through together.  

I come here now and it reminds me I am Transgender not a women.  Someplace grey and in-between it all.  Of course I never will be a "cis" women but in the end even if I get every surgery I will still be a transwomen.  I am ok with this but currently I am not there yet and I know it.  Yes I am starting to see myself emerge and see myself in the mirror and Its wonderful.  I still have defeats though, as I am still mis-gendered even on the phone.  I am hoping once all is known about me in all the hospitals I work in this will change.  (This happens tomorrow.)  

I am still experiencing the struggles and the fear and anxiety that we all go through.  I have learned to handle this now.  I know how to dig myself out of the despair of it all but it is still hard.  I still cry sometimes over it all.

This forum seems to reinforce that I am still in this phase of my journey I guess. A reminder that "no you are not there yet but keep going".  

I do not plan to quit the forum by no means.  Never!  I am just surprise at how I feel about it now compared to just being myself out living my life.  Working.  My marriage. Shopping and my new friends.  

I've got a lot of work to do and I am both scared and excited for this to be accomplished.  I see some of my friend here blooming and getting past their struggles and I am so happy for them and very proud of a couple in particular.  (You know who you are)

The old me would of been jealous of their successes and the lack there of for myself.  I do not feel this way at all.  I am on this journey with them and to help them anyway I can as they are for me.

I guess I not exactly sure what I am saying at this point.  Other then this forum is special and I love it here even though it reminds me I have a long road ahead.

 

 

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  • Forum Moderator

     Perhaps it could be easier for me to simply blend in and go stealth.  I have seen folks do that.  They actually went to a new city virtually cutting off anyone they had known prior to transition.  That isn't the path i've decided to take.  While time, HRT and a bit of surgery allows me to feel relatively comfortable in my body as well as finding myself passing i'm still a trans woman.

      I lived for years as a man.  My work and many of the things i grew to enjoy are unusual in much of the female population, just as many of the feelings i have are typically female.  

     I don't come here to remind myself i'm trans.  Instead i'm here to help both others and myself accept and learn to live in a role  which society often does not support.  

If nothing else it's lovely to know i'm not alone in my feelings or difficulties.  That alone can help me find peace with myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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secondlook

I'm so many miles away from being able to pass as a woman that calling myself transgender feels like a victory right now. Maybe down the road that will change. I can see where at some point, if one's transformation has progressed, it could feel like a stage you had to pass through. I don't believe I will ever feel that way, but I can see why someone would.

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2 hours ago, Charlize said:

I don't come here to remind myself i'm trans.  Instead i'm here to help both others and myself accept and learn to live in a role  which society often does not support.  

If nothing else it's lovely to know i'm not alone in my feelings or difficulties.  That alone can help me find peace with myself

This is true.

 

Jani

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2 hours ago, Charlize said:

 I don't come here to remind myself i'm trans.  Instead i'm here to help both others and myself 

 

 

Well said Charlize ! If there was a like button, i'd be pressing it. I've been a member here for almost 10 years, I transitioned long ago, I come on here to help others and have a little fun. I don't worry about what "others might think", I love life, transitioning was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Not ashamed in the least. 

 

Have a great day

 

C

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ShawnaLeigh
2 hours ago, Charlize said:

 I don't come here to remind myself i'm trans.

Please do not misunderstand me.  I'm not saying I do come here to be reminded of it.  Its just a feeling I have been having now that I have been letting the real me out and living my life. In my mind I am a women not a transgendered person.  If that makes sense.

I love it here for all the reasons listed above.

 

 

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There's kind of a duality to me. I've been debating on whether I'm a trans woman or transfem androgynous, and I've finally decided that I'm both! On the one hand I want to pass as a woman, I go by she/her pronouns, and want to transition as much as possible just short of a full bottom surgery (too much hair down there). On the other hand I accept and even embrace the ambiguity of my appearance and the androgynous energy I radiate. 

 

I am a woman and I'm transgender. These two things can both be true. And I embrace it, I love both these facets of my life. 

 

~Toni

(I'm gonna copy my response to my journal thread btw, it's a relevant update for me)

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  • Root Admin

I am Me at last with no worries of what others think.  I was the person Me is for years before I knew who I really was.  Trans is part of what I was even back then.  I am happy to be Trans and just BE Me who is all of me.  It is confusing to those who have not experienced what I have, and I am here because I can say things to people who can wade through that confusion and feel parts of it becoming clear in their lives on their paths to becoming their own "Me".  What has changed for me is the notion of SHAME that I used to have for being different than other people.  I no longer can feel or even find that shame unless I look through my Ancient History records of my life and even there it is no longer the bright glaring shame now, just a memory that leads to understanding of who I was and wasn't allowed to be.

 

We have a place here to experience the Trans without the shame, and Trans without shame is friendship, compassion, laughter that is tender and inclusive and not  embarrassment or hiding a hurting self. 

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3 hours ago, VickySGV said:

I am happy to be Trans and just BE Me who is all of me.

Excellent point Vicky.  Society placed me in the position and role I had to live with, it was never “Me”.  Coming here, along with counseling, the transition itself has helped me recognize, accept, and become the real Me.

 

Great thread and all the responses seem on point and valid to me.  The diversity of views alone make it worth being a part of our community.

 

Susan R?

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MetaLicious

I'm not sure I want to lose my sense of trans-ness.  Even if I were cis*, I've learned too much about the false binary gender model.  Society largely accepts this model as truth - there are two equal and opposite genders, and everything can get sorted into masculine and feminine bins.  It's like claiming that rainbows come in two colors, infrared and ultraviolet.  The "ideal" gender is so extreme that you don't see it!  Frankly, I think this notion is toxic to society and individuals alike.  I suspect the majority of cisfolk aren't as eithor/or as they think they are, and I think the world would be a better place if we weren't encouraged to exist only at extreme ends of a diverse spectrum.

 

4 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

...In my mind I am a women not a transgendered person...

I think I know what you mean.  I'm a woman, it's just my body that's transgendered. ;D

 

4 hours ago, ToniTone said:

(I'm gonna copy my response to my journal thread btw, it's a relevant update for me)

Whew! I thought I was experiencing deja vu for a moment!

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I think I understand you ShawnaLeigh, I enjoy coming and reading through the forums even if I have nothing to add to the conversation, I log in and out briefly a few times each day.

Sometimes I respond to a post and other times it is simply a quick read from a notification. The collective wisdom and community here is amazing and literally stopped me feeling like I was the only person in the world dealing with not knowing who I am. Even if I could physically and vocally pass as a cis woman 100% I will never have the option of simply being a woman. I will always publicly be a trans woman and I have to be okay with that and understand how to explain it for others.

The site is not so much a reminder that I am trans but a comfortable reminder that who I am is not shameful.

???

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ShawnaLeigh

Wow. The replies have been so good and the points of view have been amazing.  
I just really don’t want anyone to think I’m bashing us trans women at all.  Goddess no!   I am finding an alignment here that I have never felt my whole life.  It’s a wonderful place and feeling to know I’m not alone and loved by others who truly understand.  

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When I come here I am reminded of how far we are from.... from... equality??? fairness??? I love sharing will other trans people as much as I don't like being reminded of all the bad news and hardship people have to face. Growing up I was conscious I was trans (even if I didn't knew the vocabulary word to name it) and the one thing that I suffered the most from growing up is having no model and no example of other trans woman around me. I also was thrown around from doctor to psychologists who all had no clue what my problem was. lol I really thought I was alone being like this. This is the main reason why I openly trans in my life, why many people at my children school know i'm trans and why I come here. I want to be me, yes. I also want to be happy, of course. But, I want to show you can be a woman, you can be trans, successfull and happy . I think we are all drops of water but the whole can give hope to other members of the community

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  • Forum Moderator

Sometimes I wonder as this is the only place I interface with the trans community. It's pretty much as Charlize puts it though:

 

19 hours ago, Charlize said:

   

     I don't come here to remind myself i'm trans.  Instead i'm here to help both others and myself accept and learn to live in a role  which society often does not support.  

 

 

Outside of here I am pretty much myself and just live. Not really stealth and not really trans either,  predominantly female. It can be a bit strange at times.

 

Tracy

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