When you can't pass...

[A. Dillon]

I couldn't wear my binder today, and I realized that my dad is wrong; it really is not a choice. The whole time walking around school, all I can look down and see the chest that shouldn't be there, and I feel so ashamed. I could still wear a compression shirt that I have, but it is not flat enough and I know it. I can't stop seeing every feature that makes me look like a girl - my jawline that is too weak, my hips, my voice - everything is just a painful reminder that I am not a "real boy". I desperately want to go home. I constantly think about just grabbing a gun and ending it all, and it makes me very thankful that I don't have access to one. I can't focus on anything in class, and I feel like there is no point because I will never come to school again. I never want to leave my room again, let alone the house. Thinking about the wait to get HRT, I have a hard time believing that I will make it. Every time I put on my backpack, it makes my chest all the more obvious and I want to find the nearest room and let myself starve to death there. I blame myself for not putting it on, because even if it hurts because of all of the heavy breathing I do in choir it is worth it if I never have to be seen as a girl again. How do you get through this? Because I can tell you honestly that I am nearly at my wit's end. I am on only 50 mg of Zoloft, when my psychiatrist suggests I should be on at least 150, because my dad says that I am not going up in dose until we go to see her again in a wee. All I want is relief, but I don't know any other way how than sleep, so I just lay in bed for hours unable to find the motivation to move. Just existing with a chest is hard, but especially when I am at school and am able to compare my lack of height and everything about me to my cis male counterparts, I can barely hold on. 

[A. Dillon]

I don't know what I want to hear, I just know that I want to be heard. I probably should have put this in the suicidal forum, but I don't feel as though this deserves as much attention as a lot of those people need.

[VickySGV]

You are heard, even by people who have not responded.  It is nearly impossible for a non-trans person to understand what Trans people go through.  If you do actually feel suicidal go to your school counselor or school nurse if they have one.  Dad needs to be hit on the head with a 4x4 post for not taking your doctors orders.  A school counselor long ago helped me with my dad and saved my life.

[MetaLicious]

It's <expletive> hard.  MtF or FtM, we've got bulges and flatness in all the wrong places, voices and hair that don't fit, and people around us who just don't understand (or worse - don't even try).  I don't know what you what to hear, but I know what I'm gonna say: you're not alone, and your pain is no less worthy than another's.  If you're feeling suicidal, get help here or elsewhere. Don't listen to that voice saying your pain doesn't deserve attention - it's not true.  YOU deserve attention.  You're a bright young man who deserves the chance to live your life to the fullest. 

[Sally Stone]

It is so hard when the ones closest to you don't understand, so it is important to seek out a counselor or friend who can help you cope until you are able to change the situation.  Focus on the wonderful young man on the inside, and try not to deny him his due.  Yes, it's hard to be patient right now, but your time will come.  I have no doubt you'll get there.  And remember, you aren't alone, and many of us have traveled the same bumpy road you are on.  It will get better, I assure you.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[ShawnaLeigh]

I’m not sure what more I can add to what these ladies have already said but I can say we all care and love you and feel your pain through your words.  Unfortunately we as trans will always have a struggle to just be who we are.  I’m 52 a just now starting my journey with HRT and therapy.  I lived decades trying to deny myself who I really was.  I lost so much and made so many mistakes but I survived.  Stronger for it.  
In school it’s even harder to be who you are. Even as a cis gendered person no less a transgender.  To be under the rules and restrictions of others.  Time will pass and day by day you get closer to achieving the real you on the outside.  All we can do is try to be true to ourselves and fight the good fight.  Being stronger in will and personality then the ones who want to keep you down may be your only weapon against the injustice for now.  We do what we can do and LIVE to be who we want to be eventually.  
If you need help then seek help. I’ve learned long ago even as a young person thst there is no one that will take care of you better then yourself.  Love yourself as best you can. I know that can be hard to do when you look on the outside. Look inside.  You are in there somewhere.  We see the young man. He is going to make it!

Good luck hon.  

[TrIIIy]

Dillon, I hear you. School is a battleground. I never felt like myself there, and I hated it. But I kept my eyes on the prize, and soon enough, high school was over! The crippling dysphoria will not always oppress you. Look forward to getting on the correct dosage of your medication, and ASK FOR HELP if you need it. As stated above, your school counselor can be a great resource for you. If you feel suicidal, definitely reach out to someone. Even if you don’t, talking to a counselor or therapist can be a huge relief. I see mine later today. 
Just know that it will get better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing well already by coming to this forum and by seeing your doctor. Keep going!

[A. Dillon]

Thank you for the support. I am keeping it all in mind, and hearing your advice actually really improved my whole day. I am doing better now, and starting being able to see the flaws as things that can and will change. Just to give myself a boost, today I wore all men's clothes (I don't have many pairs of briefs, so I have to wear the old), even down to the socks. I made the first step toward packing too, and while that might mean shoving a sock down my pants, it was big for me. All in all, I am in a pretty solid state of mind.

[TommieAnne]

Dillon, thank you for speaking up. I hear you too.

It's not an easy path. But stay at it, no fair hurting yourself or trying to check out early, okay? That is never an answer. There's a sunny meadow at the end of this gloomy path it feels like you're on.

Lots of caring folks will be there smiling with you when you stumble out of the dark woods into the sunlight.

TA

(Who probably babbles incoherently half the time, but really means well.)

[ShawnaLeigh]

On 2/6/2020 at 3:04 PM, TammyAnne said:

Dillon, thank you for speaking up. I hear you too.

It's not an easy path. But stay at it, no fair hurting yourself or trying to check out early, okay? That is never an answer. There's a sunny meadow at the end of this gloomy path it feels like you're on.

Lots of caring folks will be there smiling with you when you stumble out of the dark woods into the sunlight.

TA

(Who probably babbles incoherently half the time, but really means well.)

TammyAnne is wise.  She is very correct.  We care and will be with you in the low times and hope for more highs in your life. 
 

[Rachel76]

You are heard, and gender dysphasia is horrible to bear. Please know that you can look forward to the hormones and the time will tick away faster than you think. I believe most of us transitioning have gotten to your feelings, and it’s not easy to make it. Just know there is a future with YOU in it, and it sounds like your dad needs to be educated this is not a choice we can make to not be trans but becomes a choice between breathing and not. This is a condition we are born with. Keep you chin up, life can really kick you down, but we need to pick ourselves up and reaching out like you did was a great start to doing that.

[TommieAnne]

In my first trans group meeting yesterday, there was a guy there, kind of shaggy bearded, scruffy looking, outspoken with fairly large breasts. I assumed he was born male and moving along in transition to becoming female (thinking to myself the boob fairy had been very kind) when he started talking about having top surgery.

Then it dawned on me he was FtM!

Passing is more than anatomy, hormones and clothes. At any rate, he would have probably died laughing if I'd spoken up about how poorly I thought he was passing as a female.

TA