Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I think i'm lost


The Viv Element

Recommended Posts

Hi guys and gals! 

 

I'm going to feel super guilty for sharing my life because it's nothing compared to the struggles i've seen people go through here & I apologize in advance if i'm giving off any bad vibes but i feel like i need to explain my life alittle bit so you guys can get a bettter understanding of the situation i'm in. 

 

Okay so here goes nothing... My parents discovered that I was born deaf at 1 years old ( they noticed how i wasn't waking up to loud noises crying like every other baby would so to confirm their suspicions they had to take two frying pans above me while sleeping in the crib and bang them together LOL, I was still sleeping like a log. Thats when they knew, I was deaf or had some hearing impairment. fast forward to 2 years later, I had a surgery on the side of my head to implant something called a Cochlear Implant, basically its like a hearing aid but much more advanced and better. So I did grow up being able to hear and i'm so grateful for that because I couldn't imagine a life without music or hearing my family talk, and so on. But I also got made fun of in school because of the implant on the side of the head & the fact that i sometimes said "what" alot because i couldn't hear properly in loud settings. I've had people mock me with "WHAT" but i took it lightly and always played along, I had friends and enemies but at least the enemies knew not to mess with me because I was also in good shape and won a few fights during elementary/junior high school years... So i didn't have it as bad as some people do on here and I wish i could fight/stand for you guys because noone deserves that kind of treatment. Anyways, eventually i got to highschool where i was hanging out with the wrong crowd and fell into a society full of drugs and alcohol. This is where things started to go wrong, I don't even think i was myself then looking back on those days now, I can't believe i did any of that & i wish i could just start it all over because I dropped out of highschool in grade 10... I'm 23 years old now, turning 24, With no high school diploma, With only 1 month experience in a job and that was a summer job. So technically, I've been doing nothing with my life the past 6 years & i hate it & i wish i cared then, and I believe the reason why i stopped caring then was because I was always trying to fit in with people and i never felt like myself, so I was never happy (I was too stupid to realize this at the time) and the past 6 years have given me so much insight on life and myself,  it feels as if lately, i've been getting much more comfortable with myself and my body as I transition (196 days), I dont think i remember feeling happy those last 6 years until the process started. I still get sudden episodes of depression and dark thoughts because of where i am in life right now, Not because of who i am, but because of where i am. I'm SOOOOO out of shape & i practically have no experience or anything to put on my resume as where i've been the last 6 years so finding a job is tough, especially for a person who's deaf & trans with speech problems here and there, So I figured I would get some GED books and start studying because i need to feel productive somewhat, but It's so hard to focus now & sometimes it feels like my brain is in a fog (I can't even think sometimes). I'm starting to think i might even have dyslexia/ADHD or something because I can't memorize things right away as i read sometimes. I've just been feeling hopeless about my future & I don't know what to do anymore, I have the motivation but no matter how hard I try to study or find a job, It doesn't end well. So i'm asking if anyone knows any solutions/advice to combat my unproductiveness (if thats even a word lol).  

 

I'm really sorry for the long unnecessary read & i hope you guys don't see me any less of a person... I just don't know how to move forward to being independent successfully in a society that views deaf/trans as a hindrance on their workplace or not being able to study at the same pace as everyone else. 

Link to comment

I see you being very heroic as you struggle to pull yourself up. Nothing bad about that.

Having gone through the 60s I've seen my share of drugs and alcohol, plus an extra share too. While I have some regrets, I think those were not the things that held me back, but symptoms of what troubled me, which is my struggle to accept and understand my sexuality vs. repressing it to point of denial.

While I am well educated, I can promise you that education doesn't equal "smart" or "capable". In fact it can be a hindrance for many.

Earn your GED and be proud that you have the initiative to better yourself, which is more than the average high school grad can say.

TA

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, The Viv Element said:

I'm really sorry for the long unnecessary read & i hope you guys don't see me any less of a person... I just don't know how to move forward to being independent successfully in a society that views deaf/trans as a hindrance on their workplace or not being able to study at the same pace as everyone else. 

You never need to say sorry for posting something at any length.  I’m here to read about you and others and frankly what you have written is one of the reasons I love this place.  Your authentic and asking for real help.  Never be concerned about that.  But I get it...I just made a long post myself and said I was sorry for too many questions on it.  Oh well!  Lol.

 

The good news is that you are, looking at the big picture, still very young and your adult life is just really starting.  Yeah sure, things might have been easier if the followed the usual path but even that doesn’t guarantee success and that bridge has been crossed.  Recognizing the need for change is a great first step. Reaching out is next and that’s why you’re here.

 

There are lots of options out there but jobs are tight in this economy...at least here in the US but Canada’s likely similar.  I and several others just gave someone a few ideas in a recent post so here’s the LINK to that thread.  When you have any additional questions, I’ll try to help any way I can.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Susan R said:

I and several others just gave someone a few ideas in a recent post so here’s the LINK to that thread.


Thank you for sharing this!! it gave me the idea of volunteering so i'm going to figure out what places are taking on volunteers around me.

Link to comment
3 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

While I am well educated, I can promise you that education doesn't equal "smart" or "capable". In fact it can be a hindrance for many.

OMG this is me too.  I have two degrees and 30+ years of highly technical experience on my resume and I am still a "knot hole".  (A phrase of my now departed father)

I know I am very intelligent in some arena's and then I feel so naïve and unexperienced in other areas. You can always improve upon yourself so don't ever stop trying or be ashamed to try.

 

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

The good news is that you are, looking at the big picture, still very young and your adult life is just really starting.  Yeah sure, things might have been easier if the followed the usual path but even that doesn’t guarantee success and that bridge has been crossed.  Recognizing the need for change is a great first step. Reaching out is next and that’s why you’re here.

 

 I was thinking the same thing as I read threw the replies.  You have a lot of time to figure things out and go for what you want or love.  Its hard to not focus on the trails and tribulations of your past and sometimes we only see our failures and not the good we did or can do.  Life is hard for everyone and there are some its a lot harder.  I think now that you have it in your mind to make a positive change and grow then you will start seeing successes vs things from your past that kept you down within yourself.

 

Good Luck

 

Link to comment

Viv, first of all stop apologising, your life and struggles are just as valid as everyone else's.

 

Your past contributes to who you are now, while on paper it may be lost time, you can always make a start. As someone who has transitioned you are already easy to classify as determined and someone who is capable of decision making without succumbing to peer pressure to fit in.

 

I used to work for a charity that was set up to help people who had been long term unemployed get back into the work place. The first thing we did was spend time with someone and get to know their personality - what do you enjoy doing? what things make you passionate? what would be your dream job? Then work backwards until you find something that has aspects of those that you can enjoy and find job satisfaction in.

 

Get back into a routine of getting up in the morning and sleeping at night, often sleep patterns are the first to go and they have a huge impact on us emotionally. Also start walking or swimming or something else you enjoy to make you more active.

 

It was harder to get people in the door, because UK law meant that once the disability discrimination act was passed employers struggled to get rid of genuine bad apples without being accused of discrimination. The charities long term employment rate was through the roof because the employers ended up not only with someone who was trained to do the job (we went in learned it and then taught it to the person making any adaptations needed so that no one could say they couldn't do it) but with someone who actually cared about the job they had. Sometimes we just gave people the confidence to just put themselves out there and apply for things. There may be something similar in your area if you look.

 

When you make up your resume focus on your transferrable skills for example - being enthusiastic and adaptive, outgoing, quick to problem solve, great at maths or accounting, eloquent and a good communicator and listener - whatever they are everyone has talents and skills they can bring to a new place, and make previous employment just bullet points with your education.

 

If you feel you need the paper qualifications go back and get them, just be prepared to get annoyed with those who do not take the classes as seriously as you.

 

Hope some of this is useful to you. (I did type this up hours ago but the site timed out and wouldn't let me back in)

?

Link to comment
15 hours ago, DeeDee said:

Viv, first of all stop apologising, your life and struggles are just as valid as everyone else's.

 

Your past contributes to who you are now, while on paper it may be lost time, you can always make a start. As someone who has transitioned you are already easy to classify as determined and someone who is capable of decision making without succumbing to peer pressure to fit in.

 

I used to work for a charity that was set up to help people who had been long term unemployed get back into the work place. The first thing we did was spend time with someone and get to know their personality - what do you enjoy doing? what things make you passionate? what would be your dream job? Then work backwards until you find something that has aspects of those that you can enjoy and find job satisfaction in.

 

Get back into a routine of getting up in the morning and sleeping at night, often sleep patterns are the first to go and they have a huge impact on us emotionally. Also start walking or swimming or something else you enjoy to make you more active.

 

It was harder to get people in the door, because UK law meant that once the disability discrimination act was passed employers struggled to get rid of genuine bad apples without being accused of discrimination. The charities long term employment rate was through the roof because the employers ended up not only with someone who was trained to do the job (we went in learned it and then taught it to the person making any adaptations needed so that no one could say they couldn't do it) but with someone who actually cared about the job they had. Sometimes we just gave people the confidence to just put themselves out there and apply for things. There may be something similar in your area if you look.

 

When you make up your resume focus on your transferrable skills for example - being enthusiastic and adaptive, outgoing, quick to problem solve, great at maths or accounting, eloquent and a good communicator and listener - whatever they are everyone has talents and skills they can bring to a new place, and make previous employment just bullet points with your education.

 

If you feel you need the paper qualifications go back and get them, just be prepared to get annoyed with those who do not take the classes as seriously as you.

 

Hope some of this is useful to you. (I did type this up hours ago but the site timed out and wouldn't let me back in)

?


All of this was useful for me!! Thanks a bunch Deedee, Also I saw that you're from Scotland, You should visit Nova Scotia sometime :) It stands for New Scotland, we have a strong scottish presence here as well as gaelic classes and a few other things including pipe bands! I think you'd love it, that is if you're a fan of Scottish culture of course.

Anyways thank you everyone for bothering to comment :) i feel better now. Take care everyone!

Link to comment

A quote just came to me. It's on one of my t-shirts but I think it's from Tolkein's Lord of the Rings:

Not all who wander are lost.

 

I've always felt like a wanderer.

I think none of us are lost.

 

TA

Link to comment
1 hour ago, TammyAnne said:

Tolkein's Lord of the Rings:

Not all who wander are lost.

 

Thank you for sharing this! I've never read tolkein's version or even the newer LOTR books but I grew up with the movie box set & I love fantasy/sci-fi related stuff so this quote will be a reminder to pick up those darn books next time i'm at Chapters. 

But even if we were ever lost, its only temporary ?

Link to comment

I am glad you could take some positives. ? I was lucky enough to do a whirlwind tour and visit friends in Calgary and Toronto a couple of years ago, but would love to visit Nova Scotia! I just couldn't squeeze it in last time, and I am still trying to save up enough to come back. The scale of land is just mind boggling for me - some areas were so similar and yet just stretch off to the horizon. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
7 hours ago, The Viv Element said:

But even if we were ever lost, its only temporary

I fell to the dark side for a bit of rebellion in my late teens too.  When you’re struggling with issues like the ones we have been all our lives and have very little if any support to be found, it’s not uncommon to stay away from the path set forth.

 

I nearly killed myself and my best friend in a car accident due to drinking at age 18.  I haven’t drank since but it set me straight...well sort of.  It really depends on who you ask..lol?

 

Take care of yourself Viv,

Susan R?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   1 Member, 0 Anonymous, 117 Guests (See full list)

    • Sally Stone
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very well said, @Abigail Genevieve, and very true.  Thank you.   Carolyn Marie
    • Susan R
      Trans Group Zoom Meeting Tomorrow!!   Trans Group Zoom Meeting Times: April 20, 2024 6:00 PM Pacific Time April 20, 2024 8:00 PM Central Time April 21, 2024 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   Message me for the meeting link if you’d like to attend.   *Hugs* Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      They may win a few battles but not the war! as @Davie pointed out there is little truth if it full of lies, inconsistencies, and ignores evidence to the contrary. I saw this article earlier and have to agree here. Truth will win. This isn’t the first time this tactic has been tried. Always stick with the truth!
    • Susan R
      Welcome @violet r! Glad you joined our forum and got through the hardest part…that first post. As many have mentioned, we are more than accepting here as we affirm your gender identity and hold no judgement, whatsoever. There’s so much here on this forum, I think you’ll find very helpful. If you have trouble finding an answer just reach out, try the search but starting a new thread is usually best to get some quick answers. Many are here for various transgender related issues but many, if not all, are here to help one another if we can. It’s great to have you onboard.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...