Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

If you stayed married


Belle

Recommended Posts

I have a question for those of you who stayed married through transition and beyond:

 

How bad did things get with your spouse before they turned a corner and were able to accept you for who you are?

 

Here are my barriers, and it would be great to hear anecdotes about these being overcome:

- she's "not a lesbian"

- she "married a man"

- I am repulsed by knowing that you dressed up as a woman

- you are crazy

- you are a man and no amount of surgeries or hormones will ever change that

- I'm okay with you being feminine but not imagining yourself as a woman or dressing as one.

 

Belle ❤

Link to comment

Didn't change with my wife,she loves me for who I am since I came out as bigender.Never got bad,always said we will always be happy together no matter what the changes that happen

Link to comment

I really did not want to meddle in someone else's life especially a marriage, so forgive me if i come off negatively or rude. I'm also 23 years old with no experience on marriage but i do know a thing or two about relationships, and i believe your relationship is your foundation of your marriage obviously, So... Do you think shes the type of person who can have a change of heart after time? is she capable of understanding and seeing things from a different perspective? Maybe you guys can come to a compromise? I've heard of couples doing an in-house separation so they could learn to love each other again with some space in between. But Please for the love of god, don't let this woman verbally abuse you because of who you want to be, That's practically mental abuse imo.

Link to comment
41 minutes ago, The Viv Element said:

But Please for the love of god, don't let this woman verbally abuse you because of who you want to be, That's practically mental abuse imo.

It is mental and emotion abuse.  Belle does not deserve it either as she cares so much about her wife and family.  It’s just wrong and unfair.  
But she already knows my opinions.  
I'm looking forward to some answers from others.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

My wife didn't have any barriers to overcome.  She had some questions, which I answered to the best of my ability.  Then she said she'd support me, whatever I decided to do.

 

She does not consider herself a lesbian, even though she is married to one.  She calls herself a "lesbian by marriage".  She knows that, when we married, we both thought she was marrying a man.  But she also knows now that we were both wrong about that.  She likes me better as Kathy than as that guy.  Her open-mindedness is one of the things that I loved about her from the beginning.

 

It makes me sad that your wife and many others are not like that.  I am sorry that I do not have any good advice for you except to keep on trying to communicate.

Link to comment
42 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

My wife didn't have any barriers to overcome.  She had some questions, which I answered to the best of my ability.  Then she said she'd support me, whatever I decided to do.

 

She does not consider herself a lesbian, even though she is married to one.  She calls herself a "lesbian by marriage".  She knows that, when we married, we both thought she was marrying a man.  But she also knows now that we were both wrong about that.  She likes me better as Kathy than as that guy.  Her open-mindedness is one of the things that I loved about her from the beginning.

 

It makes me sad that your wife and many others are not like that.  I am sorry that I do not have any good advice for you except to keep on trying to communicate.

My wife is the same,she likes me as Adrianna more.Never questioned me knowing I am much happier now,she doesn't want to see me live a miserable life

Link to comment
  • Admin

My wife made the comment about not being a Lesbian, and not wanting others to think that about her.  But over time, it just went away as an issue.  Her friends and family know she isn't, and she doesn't much care what strangers think.  She didn't like the idea of me getting GCS, but when I decided not to, that became a non-issue also.

 

She decided after the first year following my announcement that she could see how much happier I was and that I hadn't changed all that much inside.  Her main fear at first was that I would run off to be with a man.  When that didn't happen, she came to accept it and we've been fine since.  Fear seemed to be a much stronger emotion than loathing ever was.

 

Best wishes for the continuation of your marriage, Belle.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Wow, thank you Carolyn Marie! This is helpful. I know there is a lot of fear in her. Is only been three months since I came out to her and I started off on the wrong foot because I had no clue how to navigate it. This gives me hope that time may actually help. I'm certainly far from perfect and I can't expect her to be either.

 

Belle ❤

Link to comment

I'm unsure if I should even respond as its only been weeks since I told my wife. She has told me she is not a lesbian and she is attracted to men not women. With that being said she has supported me. We've had a hiccup in that she said she didn't want to hug or kiss me anymore. Here reasoning was that once I fully transitioned she would not be doing those things. It hurt and we had some awkward days. We talked about it and now slowly she is coming around. In time I think we will be back to normal. My wife and I have great communication and we are best friends. We went and did a couples pedicure and I got pretty purple toes! Like I said she is coming around. I guess what I am trying to say is you have to have a foundation of trust and above all else respect for one another. Calling you names and saying you're crazy she is not respecting you. Without a solid foundation it will be difficult for your relationship in the future.

 

Hugs,

Angela

Link to comment
5 hours ago, soyangela said:

We went and did a couples pedicure and I got pretty purple toes!

That's the sort of stuff I would love to do with her. She won't have it.

 

5 hours ago, soyangela said:

I guess what I am trying to say is you have to have a foundation of trust and above all else respect for one another.

I started off on the wrong foot by lying to her about what I was doing. I had no clue what was going on with me and I was trying to figure it out in the closet, but it was lying nonetheless.

 

5 hours ago, soyangela said:

Calling you names and saying you're crazy she is not respecting you.

Yes that was very hurtful. She has done some truly awful things to me in the last several months since this all started. ? But I know her and love her and if there's a possibility of getting past this I want to move forward. If she comes to accept me then her lashing out at me will stop.

 

5 hours ago, soyangela said:

Without a solid foundation it will be difficult for your relationship in the future.

I suppose we'll find out just how solid it really is.

 

Belle ❤

Link to comment

Hi Belle,

 

I feel for you and your situation. This may not be everyone but most of us lie. We lied to ourselves and we lied to our SOs. Maybe your SO caught you I don't know the situation. When I told my wife everything I had lied about she was shocked. The hiding of wearing women's clothes, telling her I'm working when I'm out getting a makeover, getting a PO box so my deliveries don't go to the house, even getting a credit card. We've broken their trust but it wasn't malicious. I recently had to go to an out of town meeting for work. All our execs would be there and I had to wear a suit or jacket. When I asked my wife for my jacket was she asked considering you recent past are you really going to this meeting. I reiterated I will never lie to you again, yes I'm going to a meeting. We need to regain their trust but that is no reason for name calling.

Belle if you ever need to talk I'm here to help. I'm new here and to all of this as well. You have someone here that will listen.

 

Hugs,

Angela

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...
Guest Deleted account

My situation is the opposite of most. My wife was supportive from the day we met and I told her of my future intentions. We got married and I went full-time on our honeymoon. She was supportive when I had my surgery and even 10 years after that, then things started to change. For the past 5 years it has been rocky and I have had to dress down and be more of a “man” for her. We are now talking about my need to be more feminine and think we have reached a compromise.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 106 Guests (See full list)

    • violet r
    • MaybeRob
    • Lenneth
    • Jet McCartney
    • Abigail Genevieve
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • violet r
      This is a question I ask myself all the time. When I'm out I hope that I can some what pass
    • violet r
      I use my  chosen name online and when ever I can. I play some online game and only go by that name. That is how everyone there know me. Yes it does feel great to be called the name you prefer. 
    • Breezy Victor
      I was ten years old when my mom walked in on me frolicking around my room dressed up in her bra, panties, and some pantyhose. I had been doing this in the privacy of my bedroom for a little while now so I had my own little stash box I kept full of different panties, bras, etc ... of hers. My mom's underwear was so easy for me to come by and she was a very attractive woman, classy, elegant. Well when she walked in on me, she looked at me with disgust and said to me... "If I wanted to run around like mommy's little girl instead of mommy's little boy, then she was going to treat me like mommy's little girl."  She left my bedroom after telling me NOT to change or get dressed or anything and returned with a few of her work skirts and blouses and such. She made me model off her outfits for her and I have to admit ... I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I felt so sexy, and feminine. And she knew I loved it.  She told me we can do this every weekend if I'd like. It would be OUR little secret. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      The usual social ways, of course.  Taking care of my partners and stepkids, being involved in my community.  That makes me feel good about my role.   As for physical validation and gender... probably the most euphoric experience is sex.  I grew up with my mother telling me that my flat and boyish body was strange, that my intersex anatomy was shameful, that no man would want me. So experiencing what I was told I could never have is physical proof that I'm actually worth something.  
    • KathyLauren
      <Moderator hat on>  I think that, at this point we need to get the thread back onto the topic, which is the judge's ruling on the ballot proposition.  If there is more to be said on the general principles of gendered spaces etc., please discuss them, carefully and respectfully, in separate threads. <Moderator hat off>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      People who have no understanding of transgender conditions should not be making policy for people dealing with it. Since it is such a small percentage of the population, and each individual is unique, and their circumstances are also unique, each situation needs to be worked with individually to see that the best possible solution is implemented for those involved. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      No.  You are getting stuck on one statement and pulling it out of context.   Trans kids have rights, but so do non-trans kids.  That conflict is best worked out in the individual situation. 
    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Have you read the rest of what I wrote?   Please read between the lines of what I said about high school.  Go over and read my Taylor story.  Put two and two together.   That is all I will say about that.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I feel like I lost my husband," Lois told the therapist,"I want the man I married." Dr. Smith looked at Odie, sitting there in his men's clothing, looking awkward and embarrassed. "You have him.  This is just a part of him you did not know about. Or did not face." She turned to Odie,"Did you tear my wedding dress on our wedding night?" He admitted it.  She had a whole catalog of did-you and how-could you.  Dr. Smith encouraged her to let it all out. Thirty years of marriage.  Strange makeup in the bathroom.  The kids finding women's laundry in the laundry room. There was reconciliation. "What do we do now?" Dr. Smith said they had to work that out.  Odie began wearing women's clothing when not at work.  They visited a cross-dressers' social club but it did not appeal to them.  The bed was off limits to cross dressing.  She had limits and he could respect her limits.  Visits to relatives would be with him in men's clothing.    "You have nail polish residue," a co-worker pointed out.  Sure enough, the bottom of his left pinky nail was bright pink  His boss asked him to go home and fix it.  He did.   People were talking, he was sure, because he doubted he was anywhere as thorough as he wanted to be.  It was like something in him wanted to tell everyone what he was doing, and he was sloppy.   His boss dropped off some needed paperwork on a Saturday unexpectedly and found Odie dressed in a house dress and wig.  "What?" the boss said, shook his head, and left.  None of his business.   "People are talking," Lois said. "They are asking about this," she pointed to his denim skirt. "This seems to go past or deeper than cross dressing."   "Yes.  I guess we need some counseling."  And they went.
    • April Marie
      You look wonderful!!! A rose among the roses.
    • Ashley0616
      Mine would be SHEIN as much as I have bought from them lol.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...