If you stayed married

[Belle]

I have a question for those of you who stayed married through transition and beyond:

 

How bad did things get with your spouse before they turned a corner and were able to accept you for who you are?

 

Here are my barriers, and it would be great to hear anecdotes about these being overcome:

- she's "not a lesbian"

- she "married a man"

- I am repulsed by knowing that you dressed up as a woman

- you are crazy

- you are a man and no amount of surgeries or hormones will ever change that

- I'm okay with you being feminine but not imagining yourself as a woman or dressing as one.

 

Belle ❤

[AdriannaB]

Didn't change with my wife,she loves me for who I am since I came out as bigender.Never got bad,always said we will always be happy together no matter what the changes that happen

[The Viv Element]

I really did not want to meddle in someone else's life especially a marriage, so forgive me if i come off negatively or rude. I'm also 23 years old with no experience on marriage but i do know a thing or two about relationships, and i believe your relationship is your foundation of your marriage obviously, So... Do you think shes the type of person who can have a change of heart after time? is she capable of understanding and seeing things from a different perspective? Maybe you guys can come to a compromise? I've heard of couples doing an in-house separation so they could learn to love each other again with some space in between. But Please for the love of god, don't let this woman verbally abuse you because of who you want to be, That's practically mental abuse imo.

[ShawnaLeigh]

41 minutes ago, The Viv Element said:

But Please for the love of god, don't let this woman verbally abuse you because of who you want to be, That's practically mental abuse imo.

It is mental and emotion abuse.  Belle does not deserve it either as she cares so much about her wife and family.  It’s just wrong and unfair.  
But she already knows my opinions.  
I'm looking forward to some answers from others.  

[KathyLauren]

My wife didn't have any barriers to overcome.  She had some questions, which I answered to the best of my ability.  Then she said she'd support me, whatever I decided to do.

 

She does not consider herself a lesbian, even though she is married to one.  She calls herself a "lesbian by marriage".  She knows that, when we married, we both thought she was marrying a man.  But she also knows now that we were both wrong about that.  She likes me better as Kathy than as that guy.  Her open-mindedness is one of the things that I loved about her from the beginning.

 

It makes me sad that your wife and many others are not like that.  I am sorry that I do not have any good advice for you except to keep on trying to communicate.

[AdriannaB]

42 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

My wife didn't have any barriers to overcome.  She had some questions, which I answered to the best of my ability.  Then she said she'd support me, whatever I decided to do.

 

She does not consider herself a lesbian, even though she is married to one.  She calls herself a "lesbian by marriage".  She knows that, when we married, we both thought she was marrying a man.  But she also knows now that we were both wrong about that.  She likes me better as Kathy than as that guy.  Her open-mindedness is one of the things that I loved about her from the beginning.

 

It makes me sad that your wife and many others are not like that.  I am sorry that I do not have any good advice for you except to keep on trying to communicate.

My wife is the same,she likes me as Adrianna more.Never questioned me knowing I am much happier now,she doesn't want to see me live a miserable life

[Carolyn Marie]

My wife made the comment about not being a Lesbian, and not wanting others to think that about her.  But over time, it just went away as an issue.  Her friends and family know she isn't, and she doesn't much care what strangers think.  She didn't like the idea of me getting GCS, but when I decided not to, that became a non-issue also.

 

She decided after the first year following my announcement that she could see how much happier I was and that I hadn't changed all that much inside.  Her main fear at first was that I would run off to be with a man.  When that didn't happen, she came to accept it and we've been fine since.  Fear seemed to be a much stronger emotion than loathing ever was.

 

Best wishes for the continuation of your marriage, Belle.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Belle]

Wow, thank you Carolyn Marie! This is helpful. I know there is a lot of fear in her. Is only been three months since I came out to her and I started off on the wrong foot because I had no clue how to navigate it. This gives me hope that time may actually help. I'm certainly far from perfect and I can't expect her to be either.

 

Belle ❤

[soyangela]

I'm unsure if I should even respond as its only been weeks since I told my wife. She has told me she is not a lesbian and she is attracted to men not women. With that being said she has supported me. We've had a hiccup in that she said she didn't want to hug or kiss me anymore. Here reasoning was that once I fully transitioned she would not be doing those things. It hurt and we had some awkward days. We talked about it and now slowly she is coming around. In time I think we will be back to normal. My wife and I have great communication and we are best friends. We went and did a couples pedicure and I got pretty purple toes! Like I said she is coming around. I guess what I am trying to say is you have to have a foundation of trust and above all else respect for one another. Calling you names and saying you're crazy she is not respecting you. Without a solid foundation it will be difficult for your relationship in the future.

 

Hugs,

Angela

[Belle]

5 hours ago, soyangela said:

We went and did a couples pedicure and I got pretty purple toes!

That's the sort of stuff I would love to do with her. She won't have it.

 

5 hours ago, soyangela said:

I guess what I am trying to say is you have to have a foundation of trust and above all else respect for one another.

I started off on the wrong foot by lying to her about what I was doing. I had no clue what was going on with me and I was trying to figure it out in the closet, but it was lying nonetheless.

 

5 hours ago, soyangela said:

Calling you names and saying you're crazy she is not respecting you.

Yes that was very hurtful. She has done some truly awful things to me in the last several months since this all started. ? But I know her and love her and if there's a possibility of getting past this I want to move forward. If she comes to accept me then her lashing out at me will stop.

 

5 hours ago, soyangela said:

Without a solid foundation it will be difficult for your relationship in the future.

I suppose we'll find out just how solid it really is.

 

Belle ❤

[soyangela]

Hi Belle,

 

I feel for you and your situation. This may not be everyone but most of us lie. We lied to ourselves and we lied to our SOs. Maybe your SO caught you I don't know the situation. When I told my wife everything I had lied about she was shocked. The hiding of wearing women's clothes, telling her I'm working when I'm out getting a makeover, getting a PO box so my deliveries don't go to the house, even getting a credit card. We've broken their trust but it wasn't malicious. I recently had to go to an out of town meeting for work. All our execs would be there and I had to wear a suit or jacket. When I asked my wife for my jacket was she asked considering you recent past are you really going to this meeting. I reiterated I will never lie to you again, yes I'm going to a meeting. We need to regain their trust but that is no reason for name calling.

Belle if you ever need to talk I'm here to help. I'm new here and to all of this as well. You have someone here that will listen.

 

Hugs,

Angela

[Guest Deleted account]

My situation is the opposite of most. My wife was supportive from the day we met and I told her of my future intentions. We got married and I went full-time on our honeymoon. She was supportive when I had my surgery and even 10 years after that, then things started to change. For the past 5 years it has been rocky and I have had to dress down and be more of a “man” for her. We are now talking about my need to be more feminine and think we have reached a compromise.