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KathyLauren

Long-term effects

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KathyLauren

I was sexually assaulted in high school.  That was over 50 years ago, so in one sense, it's long over and done with.  In the intervening time, the only person I ever told was my future wife when we were dating.  In all that time, I kept a lid firmly on whatever feelings I might have had about the event.  I was keeping a firm lid on my being trans - so firmly that I didn't even know, myself - so why not just add another issue to that pot?  I kept the lid on it for half a century.

 

Then the #metoo movement happened a couple of years ago.  By that time, I was out as trans, so why not come out about the sexual assault, too?  I started posting about it whenever a suitable occasion presented itself.  And an interesting thing happened to me: I started to feel.  

 

I have long-since processed my feelings about the event itself and about my attacker.  I didn't know at the time how to resist, and I now have an idea what motivated him.  I suspect he got his just desserts in time.  I didn't know any better; he didn't know any better.  It is all water under the bridge.

 

What I feel now is intense anguish every time I read about a sexual assault, especially on a minor.  I feel for the victim what I should have felt for myself.  I feel a compulsion to read those news stories, and my heart breaks every time I do.  But I don't think it is the same urge that makes us slow down to rubberneck at an accident.  I think it is something much more personal.  

 

After decades of not allowing myself to feel anything about anything, I finally have real feelings!  After being shut-down all that time, I finally feel real.  Every time I read one of those stories and cry, I feel a little more liberation.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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ShawnaLeigh

This is beautiful and speaks to my heart on the exact same level.  I too had a terrible incident and locked it away and never told a soul for over 40 years.  Not until a few months ago when I came out to my sister.  I confessed what had happened to me and it poured out.  I since have spoken to my therapist and a few others to gain understanding for myself and to let others see a point of view about me that no one ever has.  

I blamed my incident on my disgust for me in a sexual way and now that I am transitioning those feelings were very strong still.  Therapy has helped me threw my dark times and has shown me that not all men are like this and some are even the good guys you pray exist.

I still do not feel any attraction to men but I do not hate them anymore either.  In "that way".

I'm not to liberation on this yet as I have more work with my therapist to weed through and it is only a small wedge of the pie that is my internal struggles as a MTF.

But I am getting there slowly and I feel a calm now where I never did.

 

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TammyAnne

I was a long term recipient of the sexual attentions of an older boy beginning around age 10. I not only told no one, I even locked it away from myself.

Only during therapy these past few years have I confessed that, been able to comprehend what happened and how much I had hidden from myself. I still kind of struggle with understanding it, to put it into context in my life.

Thank you for being brave enough to share. I hope someday to come to better terms with my own complex feelings about what happened.

TA

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