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Aidan5

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Aidan5

My reasons are limited

and my mind is conflicted

why can't I 

be grateful for that I am given

 

I am just too tired to keep holding on and pretending to be happy, my parents make this a living hell. I have already detached myself from anything and everything. I go against my own word and cut my arm and leg just to feel it sting in the shower. I hid the blade in the last picture I have of my mom, no one will find it. I just want to be reunited with her at this point. That's the only plan of escape I have. I apologize to those who claim they will miss me, My plan will take place Saturday because my friends at least need a goodbye. Love you all, thank you for supporting me . 

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Jackie C.

Oh sweetie, no. You're stronger than this. All the things you've never seen. All the things you've never done. All the winding road that this life has to offer. You can't throw all that away.

 

Well, obviously it's possible, but you really shouldn't. 

 

You're so close to getting out from under your parents and being able to live your own life. You have so much potential. Your experience could help the trans men who come after you. Your spirit already brings comfort to your peers on this site and I feel privileged to have seen you start to blossom into the strong, beautiful man you have inside. I want to see the rest of it. You're going to be amazing. 

 

We all love you here sweetie. You've got me crying on these too white hotel sheets. Please reconsider. It gets better. Honest. 

 

Hugs!

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ShawnaLeigh

PLEASE DONT!!!

Please!  You are so close to really living your life as you wish.  Hang on.

Your loss would be so tragic to us all.  We do love you and care.

Please don't...

 

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Aidan5 said:

My reasons are limited

and my mind is conflicted

why can't I 

be grateful for that I am given

 

I am just too tired to keep holding on and pretending to be happy, my parents make this a living hell. I have already detached myself from anything and everything. I go against my own word and cut my arm and leg just to feel it sting in the shower. I hid the blade in the last picture I have of my mom, no one will find it. I just want to be reunited with her at this point. That's the only plan of escape I have. I apologize to those who claim they will miss me, My plan will take place Saturday because my friends at least need a goodbye. Love you all, thank you for supporting me . 

 

Aidan  Please  read this  carefully  

 

As i a  DIAGNOSED  Severly sucidal my self  BELIVE  me i understand  how you must feel.  DONT  repeat DONT do this TRUST me when i say its  NOT the solution to youre pain and it will NOT  be easy nor painless  either  it WILL be the  worst  experince you ever had and you WILL SUFFER  emensly  and the odds of you Suceed is not as high as you might  think  (THANK GOD  )    + You risk  HORRIBLE consequences  non  reversibel if you dont suceed (incl SEVERE   brain damage )  

 

Please  reach out to someone  and ask for help. (feel free to Pm me  if you whant  )

 

I know you might think suicide is the right way to end this  living hell youre living  in right now  BUT  im a living proof  that its  not as im STILL here and so can you  Aidan            

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The Viv Element

Is there anything we can do?
Sarah is right, I was committed to a hospital on suicide watch twice because of two attempts & it feels like a part of me is gone forever, I haven't been the same since, its affected my life greatly and not in a good way. It's not worth it. Just tell us what it is you need, Because if its family, you have one here already so it seems ❤️ 

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Kyler R.

Aidan, please no. I know it's super, super hard (words don't express how hard). I know how hard it is to stay strong and make it though. As people have said suicide is not the answer. You may think we are all bluffing about missing you but I tell you it's the truth. We will miss you. 

 

You can PM if you want. But please don't do it. Stay safe. One day it will be worth it. (This is for me too). It's a very hard struggle. I know that. 

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Aidan5

Thank you for your time, it means something but my parents have cause too much irreversible damage that not even a therapist can solve. I am willing to feel pain, so I can feel something at all, I can't remember the last time my family told me they loved me and that's what I need. Hell, it took me overdosing for them to take me to therapy. I am willing to take chances, I give myself a week to get what I need to get done. I told myself it would get better, only for it to get worse, I thought I was at rock bottom, then I get deeper. I am an outcast in my own family and I can't trust my own family. The only people I trusted have died. I just want to be with them, I don't have any purpose here.  

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A. Dillon

But you do. Don't think about your currentg family, think about your future family. Your spouse, your kids playing at the park, taking them to school for the first time, giving them everything that you wish you had. They are your reason, those you affect.

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Aidan5

I am too messed up to be able to care for a child. 

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Kyler R.

Aidan, you are not. I feel like this sometimes because I'm messed up. I scared of what I'll do but my girlfriend (who also has significant mental health problems) reminds me that it doesn't matter how messed up I am. If you care about them that's what matters. You don't have to be not messed up. 

 

Being messed up has nothing to do with caring for a child.

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Aidan5

I don't trust myself

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Kyler R.

Me neither.

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A. Dillon

You have no idea how much I can relate to that. A majority of the reason that I have been suicidal (and still am) is because of a belief that I can't seem to let go of that says that I am broken beyond repair. I decided to not have kids because my genes are so messed up, and after all of the trauma I have gone through it seemed impossible to put me back together. Like, I should just clean the slate. But that's not true, it just isn't. People are unique in the way of how malleable their minds are, and it shows in just how messed up we can be. That one thing your parent might have said 5 years ago can cause so much damage along the way. However, the opposite is true - that one time that something went so right for you can propel you to greatness. There is no such thing as a perfect life, nor a truly horrible life. You need to believe that.

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Jackie C.

Sweetie, blood family doesn't mean anything in the long run. Your found family is more important. They all love you because they want to, not because they think they have to. We're part of your found family and we care very, very much. 

 

So what happened? You were doing so well. You had a cute boyfriend, you were helping others. So tell us what brought this on?

 

I didn't trust myself to raise a child either. I still don't. I can be a cool aunt though. That's plenty. 

 

I get bad parents. Mine are terrible too. The thing is, they don't matter. The people who matter to me are my found family. They're more than enough. 

 

Find the people who love you. Spend time with them. Don't do this. I realize that I can't stop you, so I'm asking. Please don't do this. 

 

Hugs!

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Aidan5 said:

Thank you for your time, it means something but my parents have cause too much irreversible damage that not even a therapist can solve.

 

I am willing to feel pain, so I can feel something at all, I can't remember the last time my family told me they loved me and that's what I need.

 

Hell, it took me overdosing for them to take me to therapy.

 

I am willing to take chances, I give myself a week to get what I need to get done. I told myself it would get better, only for it to get worse, I thought I was at rock bottom, then I get deeper.

 

I am an outcast in my own family and I can't trust my own family. The only people I trusted have died. I just want to be with them, I don't have any purpose here.  

 

Aidan i cant even begin to understand  how much pain youre parents  seem to have  put  you thru . and youre right its NOT the   therapist that gonna  help you its  with the HELP and GUIDANCE   that you together will do this  

 

I can easily understand  how  much this must hurt  you   and im deeply sorry to read this

 

And Yet they DID   Aidan thats a sign they DO care about  you. if they dident  do you honestly think they would have botherd   ?  

 

Been there done that  MANY MANY MANY times in my life  and yet im still here.

 

Things WILL get better Aidan i know you dont whant to belive this  but it WILL. and those that left  you   i highly dought they whant you to join them.

 

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Aidan5
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Sweetie, blood family doesn't mean anything in the long run. Your found family is more important. They all love you because they want to, not because they think they have to. We're part of your found family and we care very, very much. 

 

So what happened? You were doing so well. You had a cute boyfriend, you were helping others. So tell us what brought this on?

 

I didn't trust myself to raise a child either. I still don't. I can be a cool aunt though. That's plenty. 

 

I get bad parents. Mine are terrible too. The thing is, they don't matter. The people who matter to me are my found family. They're more than enough. 

 

Find the people who love you. Spend time with them. Don't do this. I realize that I can't stop you, so I'm asking. Please don't do this. 

 

Hugs!

 

It's a long story and about Eaven, he was talking to a girl the same time he was talking to me and is a bit of a player. I called it when I thought he was playing with my feelings, I am a back up to him. I still have feelings but they don't matter. Helping others is my coping method, I enjoy helping but feel miserable when I can't even help myself. 

 

I just don't want to try anymore, I am tired and my dad always tells me I take the easy way out so why not prove him right?

 

1 hour ago, Sarahnr1 said:

 

Aidan i cant even begin to understand  how much pain youre parents  seem to have  put  you thru . and youre right its NOT the   therapist that gonna  help you its  with the HELP and GUIDANCE   that you together will do this  

 

I can easily understand  how  much this must hurt  you   and im deeply sorry to read this

 

And Yet they DID   Aidan thats a sign they DO care about  you. if they dident  do you honestly think they would have botherd   ?  

 

Been there done that  MANY MANY MANY times in my life  and yet im still here.

 

Things WILL get better Aidan i know you dont whant to belive this  but it WILL. and those that left  you   i highly dought they whant you to join them.

 

 

I told myself things will get better but when it rains, it pours.

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Sarahnr1

Aidan  you claim to  messed  up  okey i can understand that  

 

Well let me en Lightning   you about   my messed  life  and what i have to fight with EVERY day and have  been  from i was  born  

 

I have  MULTIBLE  Neuro psychological diagnose (ie  ASD 3 -SEVERE ADHD  -and MILD  Intellectual disablity add to that  MULTIBLE  learning disabilities  + MULTIBLE CO morbid diagnosis to said  earlier mentioned  diagnosis . I am diagnosed  as genuin Transsexuell BUT  due to all my diagnosis im forbiden to HRT and SRS   (and its on good grounds   i now have to agree  on dident  for many years  after i was  denied  )  and im doomed to spend the  rest of my life  as   a woman in mans  body  living 24 / 7  as  a woman.   All my life has been a never ending  roller  couster  of  never ending blows  in RL  and still coming  and will probaly have  this  until i leave this earth . Im on permanent  disablity and will be poor for the rest of  my life .

 

BUT as you can see  im STILL here   and i STILL  trying every day to make the best  of  what life has  to  offer me  (last year  i was  VERY close  to end  it my self  due to the  final blow  in RL  )  and yet  im STILL  here  regardles the poor  odds i have been given since i was  born 

 

So you CAN if you whant to get thru this Aidan and  youre  WAY stronger  mentaly the you might think (the fact youre still alive  and  in here talking to us proofs  this )  So its  still YOURE  choice  noone can make that desition for you  all we can do is trying our best to convince you NOT to take this  step.                            

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Sarahnr1
35 minutes ago, Aidan5 said:

I told myself things will get better but when it rains, it pours.

 

Wellcome to my life  Aidan  BUT its still most defenetly NOT  a reason to just give up   

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Aidan5

Now that you are telling me about your story and how bad you have it, it makes me feel like a spoiled little kid who got mad. 

 

I think I have plenty of reasons to give up, though I did promise a friend I will keep talking to them for now. 

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Jackie C.

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry about Eaven. He's not worth ending it all over though. You skip the part where you find someone wonderful and rub it in his face that way. You really want the satisfaction. So worth it.

 

I get being tired too. Being trans is hard. Still, there's a difference between taking a break to recharge and making a final break. I wrote short stories and terrible, terrible poetry at your age when I was feeling bleak. Getting the feelings out on paper always helped. I should come clean, when I was 16, the short stories weren't very good either. 😋

 

That's not what art is for though. It doesn't matter if it's good. It just matters that you're expressing yourself. 

 

I'm glad you're talking to a friend. Progress! Please keep talking? The world is less without you. 

 

Hugs!

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Sarahnr1
37 minutes ago, Aidan5 said:

Now that you are telling me about your story and how bad you have it, it makes me feel like a spoiled little kid who got mad. 

 

I think I have plenty of reasons to give up, though I did promise a friend I will keep talking to them for now. 

 

GOOD  i finaly managed to reach you Aida , and DONT  blame  youre self   and NO youre not a spoiled  little kid  who got mad. i compleatly and utterly understand  youre frustration and belive me  i know  how  close you indeed  was to go thru with this  (during my latest  episode  i have older  friend  (my  RL cruch  he is the reason im still here and i actually helped  him WAY back when he was  close to going  under )  Anyway  he was so worried  about  me that he called  me EVERY day   and checked  in that i was still alive ,I had to move  slightly further  from him but were still close enogh to see eatchoder by car  EVERY month  and he calls  me EVERY week  MULTIBLE times.

 

Aidan we  both have  plenty of reasons  to just give up BUT  we both also have  MANY MANY MANY more reasons  NOT to give upp.   Thats good and as i said  im only a Pm away  if  you like to talk  about WHATEVER  you whant, you are NOT alone  and i KNOW  you CAN do this Aidan and its also clear to me you DONT what to die.  and also  take one day at a time   DONT  plan ahead   and try to make the best  of youre life  with that you have to work with  .  Yes  you are currently stuck in a  woman body when you are clearly a man & that SUCKS  !  same as i am  only other way . but  Aidan  gender  comes  from WITHIN   NOT the outside  i live succéfully transitioned  (without  HRT and  SRS  )   since close to 10 years  now  (i had a choice  after i been denied  to continue my journey  (and yes  i was  VERY VERY close of ending it then as well  only my then pets saved  in the LAST minute of me  slitting my wrist  and  hands  up in the bathrrom )  So it CAN be done  Aidan TRUST me on this  you DONT have to get  youre  ....  cut of   and  on testosteron  just to be accepted  as a man            

 

And lastly im PROUD to get to meet you Aidan                               

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Damien Mcknight

Aidan- please for the love of god do not do what your mind is telling you. I care for you so much and if any one of my friends committed suicide I would do the same. I can’t handle losing anyone—losing you. You’re a really good friend and a very kind person. I know it’s tough—trust me, in April near my birthday I had overdosed. Everyone was so scared and I felt so bad—the pain won’t go away, it won’t stop, it’ll go to everyone who knew you. To everyone who cared. Please listen to me and don’t do it. Please.

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The Viv Element

This planet is ALL yours, It only makes you humane that you want your blood family to accept you... but you are part of a new generation and every generation is getting better than the previous generation which your parents a part of, society and everyone needs you more than you realize, because we need less people like your parents and more people like YOU to make this world a better place. Please stay if not for yourself, but for the rest of humanity and everyone on here including me, I think you're a cool person already and this is the first post i've read of yours lol, Its because i see that you care about people & THAT'S ALL IT takes to have a family like the one you have on here. Soon you'll be able to live a life stress free from your blood family and build a new life with your new found family. Keep holding on Aidan, just until you can land on your feet so you can let go of all the things holding you back from living the life you desire. ❤️ 

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Hellothere

Aidan- while i dont have experience with parents i do know what its like to want to end it all. My mind still wanders there on bad days and i have to snap back. You will snap back. When you do- the other side of all of it is better. You have us- all of us in this forum care. We dont share blood but we share stories and experiences. We share care and advice. We lift eachother up when we are down and help people find the light. Please dont go through with this plan. I dont know how to convince you. But hold on- keep holding on. Hold on until testosterone. Then hold on until  you move away. Then hold on until you get to top surgery. Keep holding on until you realize you dont need to find something to hold onto. When you can finally live. You will get to that point.

You just need to give yourself the chance and the time.

i wish you all the strength and love in the world. You will get through this, even if it takes time- take that time.

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luke_b
2 hours ago, Aidan5 said:

I think I have plenty of reasons to give up

No matter your reasons to give up, you still should not do it. Keep on living for the people and things that matter most to you in life. Think about transitioning, being confident in your body, being accepted by your friends, and living as yourself. Think about the person you are going to be five, ten years down the line, and aim to live long enough to become that person and see how happy you will be when you get there. I came out a year ago, and live has gotten better, although not by much, but it still has. In eighth/ninth grade, I no longer wanted to go on living because I felt so bad about myself and the world, I felt as though nobody would care if I offed myself and disappeared, that everyone's lives would be so much better if I wasn't a part of it. This isn't true, and I'm sure many people will say that to you and you won't believe them, but these thoughts are not true. While I still struggle with these thoughts on a daily basis, I have found that life gets better the longer you go on living, and that anybody you have met, anybodies life you have interacted with in some way, has given you some sort of bond with that person. Those people care for you, we here on the website care for you, your friends care for you, I care for you. I may not know you well at all, but your life matters to me. Having experience with loosing a friend that I cared about very much, she was fourteen when she died, I can see just how much of an affect her death had upon the people she had met, and trust me when I say, I do not want you to suffer, but killing yourself does not end your suffering.

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      The first point is pretty simple. Cis people don't generally. think about being born the wrong gender.   I get where you're coming from friends-wise too. Being surrounded by other women is my happy place. At holiday gatherings I just wanted to hang out in the kitchen and help out while we chatted. We don't always share the same interests, but I'm willing to make the effort for girl friends. OK, that's like 180 degrees from your experience, but you get the idea. Basically I don't work as a "male." I have some pretty chronic male fail. I remember wanting to be a girl as early as three or so (the date might be off, but I was three when we lived in the place I remember pretending to be a girl). The feelings sometimes got stronger or weaker, but they never really went away. There was always a voice in the back of my mind whispering, "You'd be a spectacular woman." That voice was absolutely right.   As for your next step, while there's no perfect pattern for coming out that works for all of us, at some point you're going to need to sit down and talk with a gender therapist. That's probably what I'd work for next. I can't say exactly how that works for a minor in the UK. I don't live there. You should be able to find a counselor or other resource designed to help people like yourself find the help they need.   Finally, welcome to the site! I think you'll find us supportive and we've recently gained quite a few young men in your situation who you could very well find more helpful than an old woman like me. Please feel free to browse and join the conversation!   Hugs!
    • MetaLicious
      First: Welcome to the boards!  You've come to the right place to ask just the kind of questions you have...  Everyone has a unique experience, but there is a lot of overlap.   My first experience wa long before I even knew the difference between the genders, and it manifested as a jealousy regarding girls' bodies, specifically their tummies. As I approached puberty, I became obsessed with getting rid of all my body hair (which I did, and boy, did it itch!).  It wasn't until my early 20s that I even had a word other than jealousy to describe how I felt. I didn't even think I had dysphoria, because I didn't hate my body - I just really, really wanted a different one.  It took me until me early 50s to realize my assigned gender wasn't a good fit, and that pretending otherwise was not healthy for me.   If you're thinking about changing you gender, you're probably trans, because such a thing never occurs to cisgendered people.  The first step I would suggest is find someone to talk to: a therapist, counselor, or even a trusted parent.  
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