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MetaLicious

Came Out Easily, But...

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MetaLicious

Eight weeks ago, I came out to my wife. She quickly became my number one ally.  She asked if I was okay sharing that information, and I told her that if she was asked, I did not want her to lie.  I am somewhat scared, but I am really tired of hiding. Besides, I am starting to wear girls' clothes and paint my nails... Eventually, people are going to start wondering, and I am not going to lie if asked, and I certainly will not ask anyone else to do so.  Six weeks in, and it is known to my whole family (on my wife's side - I have not have any contact with my blood relatives for years).

 

All is good, right?

 

Except, until recently, I was not sure exactly where I was on the gender spectrum, and I was still playing with new names.  Now, I know my name is Michelle (Hi!), and even if I am a bit non-binary, I am a girl, and my pronouns are she/her, thank you very much!

 

So why am I finding it so much harder to tell people what to call me than to tell people what I am? It seems nonsensical to me!  Should I just send an email telling everyone (sent from my new address)?  I feel like I should tell my wife first, but it is too late. My son started calling the adults in his life by their first names, and when he called me Michael, I was pretty up-front about it - if you are going to use my first name, please use "Michelle." Bless his heart, his response was, "Not Michaela?" 

 

Has anyone else had a hard time telling others what to be called?

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Susan R
3 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

Has anyone else had a hard time telling others what to be called?

Michelle, as you progress along in your transition and you start to become more accustomed to who you’re becoming, the name will likely feel more natural to tell others your new chosen name.

 

I can remember feeling a little odd the first few times I introduced myself to a support group back in the mid 1980’s.  On very first experience there, I was in a nice dress, heels, makeup, some basic jewelry but had a crew cut because I had no wig yet.  Crazy me...I didn’t let that stop me...lol.  They went around the room (about 20-25 ppl) and you gave your ‘name of choice’ along with a minute or so of anything you wanted to share with the group.  When they got around to me I said, “I’m Susan, blah blah blah...”. It felt odd at first but after a few months in, it became as natural as it is for me today.

 

3 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

So why am I finding it so much harder to tell people what to call me than to tell people what I am? It seems nonsensical to me!

It may be easier to tell others what you are because you know who you are and have likely had much time to discover this truth about yourself.  IMHO we are more confident about revealing what we think is truth.  A chosen name may feel foreign for awhile as we have been referred to as our given name from birth and it takes time to sink in.  I wouldn’t worry about this too much. You’ll more than likely grow into it in no time at all.

 

My Best,

Susan R🌷

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ShawnaLeigh

YES!  It has been difficult for me too.  Especially since I am STILL having to present male in public.   Its a part of the reinforced conditioning you placed on yourself to hide things for all those years even though we have this desire to be out there and be free.  For me it is a mental component from my years of hiding that make it seem so weird or hard for me to adjust to my using own name and pronouns.

At least this is how I see it.  

I am having a hard time responding to my new name as well.  It has not solidified in me yet Shawna is who I am.  Again because I am forced to live by Shawn still in a large part of every day.  When I hear it I pause and then its like.  "Oh wait!  That's me!"  

Or an incident from yesterday in the waiting room of my new surgeon.  The nurse comes out to get me and calls out my new name "Shawna" and it took me a second for it to register she was calling me and when I answered and got up a few others that were there looked at me like "What?"  

It made me feel awkward but oh well.  

It would be so easy to do everything all at once and have done with it but for me it will never be that easy.  It takes time as everything else dealing with transition does, it seems.

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TammyAnne

Shawna, when I don't respond quickly to my new/old name, I just mention that I daydream a lot and was lost in thought (which is true much of the time). That plus a smile assuages everyone.

TA

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MetaLicious
14 hours ago, Susan R said:

IMHO we are more confident about revealing what we think is truth.

I feel like you hit the nail right on the head, Susan.  Even when I question what I am doing, it is my actions that I am examining,  What I am at the core of my being is accepted as an inviolable fact. It is only how I choose to express myself that I wonder about.

 

I think I'm going to tell my wife, and see what she has to say about telling others.  I know she wants me to take things slow, give people time to process the changes they will be seeing in me.  I know I want these changes to have happened during my gestation! 😄  We'll have to find a point where we can compromise...

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Ms Maddie

Happy that things have gone well coming out with your wife and son!

 

If you're aware that people need time to process, then it sounds wise not to rush things with them or her.

 

My life is compartmentalized. 

Each have their own name. 

Depends on when/where/why we know each other.

 

To me, you are MetaLicious. 

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MetaLicious
2 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

If you're aware that people need time to process, then it sounds wise not to rush things with them or her.

I know this to be true, and I was hoping to wait for "the right time" to bring it up with my wife, but...  This morning I took a picture of my sons, both smiling, and the wife urged me to send it out, so I did, to all my immediate family.  Little did I realize that Google selected my new email address to send it from - complete with my new name!

 

The next thing I know, I am getting a reply from a very caring and very well-meaning family member asking if that is what I would like to be called, and what are my pronouns now, etcetera.  Only it is not just a reply - it is a reply-to-all!

 

I once told my wife that if there was a button that could instantly and permanently make me female, I would press it without hesitation, and deal with the fallout later. I also told her that the only thing that could make me hesitate would be a button that would allow me to change my gender at will.

 

My wife saw my exploration of my femininity as a broadening of my space of possibilities. She sees my choice of a feminine name as a rejection of my masculinity, and a narrowing of that space.  She said she married a Michael, and is now wondering if all our years together were a lie.  By the goddess, that one hurt!

 

Now I need to talk to her, I need to find the words to say how I feel while leaving her the space to have her own feelings.  There was only self-deception - I never lied to her. She always knew I had a female side, the only revelation is how much larger that side of me is.  And, for the life of me, I cannot see how being true to myself could narrow my being.  Confining myself to a male presentation has only led to anger, anxiety, depression, and drug abuse.  Since coming out, I have been calmer and happier, and it took some effort, but I am clean now, as well.

 

I do not want to rush her, because she will need time to process something significant like a name change (she acknowledged that it is a bigger deal than "just" coming out).  I do, however, want her to keep in mind the positive effects of the changes I have made so far.  I want to try and see the positive potential for changes that may yet come.

 

2 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

 To me, you are MetaLicious. 

I don't know why, but it really makes my evening to hear you say that, Ms Maddie!  Thank you!  Maybe I should just take the name "Meta" - it seems equally feminine and masculine...

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Susan R
1 hour ago, MetaLicious said:

Little did I realize that Google selected my new email address to send it from - complete with my new name!

 

The next thing I know, I am getting a reply from a very caring and very well-meaning family member asking if that is what I would like to be called, and what are my pronouns now, etcetera.  Only it is not just a reply - it is a reply-to-all!

I empathize with you and this exact situation.  This scenario of having my new default email used as I wrote a quick note to an old neighbor.  Not quite as life changing as your well-meaning family member’s “reply to all” but I still had some explaining to do.  It’s all water under the bridge at this point but I still remember the feeling of my stomach hitting the floor after the realization of what had just happened.  I’m sure everything will work out in the end but your timeline definitely changed at that very instant.

 

My Best,

Susan R🌷

 

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ShawnaLeigh
7 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

She said she married a Michael, and is now wondering if all our years together were a lie.  By the goddess, that one hurt!

Michelle I so feel this.  I posted about “apologizing” and this was at its core.  So I get it girl this one cuts me still.  
Im sorry for the mix in emails too.  Omg what an “Oh Shite!!!” Moment.  Talk about ripping a bandaids off.  Wow I’m sorry this happened to you.   
I did something similar texting extremely “risky” topics about sex with my wife and instead sent it to my mother.  Yes.  That was fun to explain a day before sitting at her table for thanksgiving.  Lol

Thankfully she didn’t understand it at first but then did.  Ouch. 
I will say in my short experience from when I came out until now that so many people tell me they finally have an understanding why I was always just a little bit sad or that now I’m glowing and truly look happy.  Trust me I don’t think that of myself because I’m a wreck half the time but outwardly everyone sees the positive changes in my attitude and presents of being.  The few that have seen me fully present female do nothing but smile with me.  It’s wonderful.  
Those that known you for all those hiding years will see the positive change in you.  
Keep that pretty smile going!

By the Goddess indeed!

 

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Ms Maddie

Thanks Google. Oh lady!

 

Sounds like your wife is ok with you having a female side, but not with losing the male.  What will become?  Time..

 

Happy that you are seeing some support coming back at you Meta😊

 

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TammyAnne

Michelle, I sincerely hope things go well for you.

Reassuring your wife may not be easy, but surely there are ways in which you will remain the "same old michael" for her, be it fixing the leaky faucet or checking out the bump in the night. For now holding some of those up may convince her that she's not losing everything to this new person.

I often wonder if others think trans people are like "pod people" secretly replaced in the dark of night, when in fact we've been the same person all along.

TA

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