Go with the name that I want or my dad wants?

[A. Dillon]

I am trying to get my name legally changed, and have been wanting to since October. However, my dad is not and has never been ok with a male name but a gender neutral name instead. He thinks that I will regret transitioning, and doesn't call me by male pronouns because he says that will make it harder for me to go back. The only issue it, I have never regretted it for a second and have been passing as male for 4 months now. That is also the reason he gives when he says he would be a bad parent if he got me testosterone or top surgery. He wants to wait until I have gone to the gender specialist, been diagnosed with dysphoria, and then wait until October to give me a male name. I am already not allowed to change it to Dillon, what I really want it to be, because it has to start with an "A" to match my deadname. I have always wanted a male name because I don't want anyone to ever again question whether I am a boy or a girl, and that is why he doesn't accept it. So, should I take what I can get for now, or put off getting my driver's license to get Andrew?

[ShawnaLeigh]

First I would say that you need to give him credit for even having discussions with you about your new name and not making changes until after gender therapy.  It shows to me that he is at least listening to you and not just out right putting his foot down and forbidding you.  Many of our parents do not take this gender change well and some outright reject us for it.  So please feel lucky your dad is at least talking to you about these things. Though I can feel your frustrations...

 

For me choosing a new name is a very personal thing.  There are all sorts of reasonings a person chooses the name they want or like.  Mine still ties me to my family in its own way and I like that.  If your going to get it legally changed then you had better at least want it to be the name YOU chose.  It will be your after all.

I could of not changed anything with my birth name Shawn as it is a neutral gender name and at first I was just going to keep it and not have to deal with all the legal stuff and the continued reminding to others of my new name.  Yep.  Lazy.

But I too did not want to go through life being misgendered "by accident" because it was a neutral gender name.  Shawna sounds more feminine to me and I love the way it sounds coupled to my middle name Leigh.  Its me.

Your name has to be you to YOU.  Or else what is the point of changing it.

[Carolyn Marie]

Dillon, I agree with Shawna; names are extremely personal, and since you get to pick this name, it should be one you love, that feels right to you, because you'll have it for a very long time.  If you're willing to wait and compromise on something until October, and then pick the name you really want, then perhaps that's an option.  In the end, it must be your decision, not your father's.

 

One thing I do agree with him on is the need to see a gender therapist prior to getting male hormones.  Most of us here think that is a necessary and important first step.  Even two or three sessions would help.  Changing genders is no small thing, obviously, and there is a lot to consider. 

 

Carolyn Marie

[A. Dillon]

Most of my issue is the huge line to get that gender therapist, which can be up to 5 months after you get an appointment. He is willing to change my name, and never really cared if I changed it or not in the first place, but refuses to have it be male. I understand his point, but this is just all very inconvenient.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Dillon.  I assume you are a minor right now.  Unfortunately, that means that you need your Dad's permission for just about everything.  It might be prudent to wait until you can legally change your name without parental permission before changing it.  It is your name, and it should be what you want it to be.

 

In the meantime, by all means tell people you interact with, like therapists and friends, what your preferred name is.

[TommieAnne]

3 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Hi, Dillon.  I assume you are a minor right now.  Unfortunately, that means that you need your Dad's permission for just about everything.  It might be prudent to wait until you can legally change your name without parental permission before changing it.  It is your name, and it should be what you want it to be.

 

In the meantime, by all means tell people you interact with, like therapists and friends, what your preferred name is.

Very well said.

Unless/until you become emancipated you will need your Dad's help and permission.

From what you've written, it sounds like therapy might make a big change in your Dad's outlook. In which case he may well support your name choice. Either way, be patient and take the baby steps before starting to run. It's a long journey, enjoy it.

TA

[Firenze]

I understand your dad's concerns that he wants you to see a professional and be diagnosed for gender dysphoria. As stated above, it doesn't sound like he's "forbidding" you from changing your name, but rather wanting you to take your time with things. You said you've been passing for 4 months, which isn't a long time in general, and I think his concerns are if you're going to change your mind or have regrets, which is also why I think he's pushing therapy for you. 

 

My parents were the same way, and I have no regrets with seeing a therapist first (which I think is how it should be). It took me 2 or 3 sessions with her before I got my referral letter to see a gender therapist. I have no regrets waiting to do anything until I see him, but I understand how frustrating it can be until then. 

 

Even if you can't legally change your name right now, take this time to experiment. Get used to your chosen name (whichever you choose), and live as male until the time comes to see a therapist. 

[TrIIIy]

I agree with the above replies. Your name is YOUR name, and if you have to wait a few months in order to make it the name that YOU want, then that’s what I recommend doing. Sometimes you have to play the long game when you’re a minor. It sucks, but I wouldn’t want you to regret giving yourself a name that you don’t truly want.

Heck, I still haven’t legally changed my name, and I’m 31. I’m saving my money to get it done. 
Sometimes good things do come to those who wait. Good luck!