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Passing as my gender...


A. Dillon

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At school, I have noticed a huge day-to-day improvement now that I am always passing. Barely anyone in my new classes was with me before I changed my name, and those who were actually call me Dillon and don't bother me. Even if I don't pass in a class like choir, where I always sound like a girl, my teacher makes sure to call me he and by male pronouns. All in all, this is not that bad. My dad says that he thinks it is getting worse, but that is only because when I have breakdowns I have the courage to tell someone about it instead of suffering in silence. Things are moving along with getting medication, and I am seeing my psychiatrist again fairly soon. And yet, I can still feel that there is something off. If you had offered me the chance to be living like this 3 years ago, I would have killed someone to get it. But now that I am here I still feel that old friend dysphoria creeping up on me all the time. For instance, packing; it started as something that gave me this huge boost, but that I didn't feel a huge need for, but now if I don't have something down there I feel so insecure and kind of empty. Same with my chest, it is flat but never flat enough. I look forward to the day that all of these feelings will be gone, but for now I am glad that I have gotten this far and feel hopeful.

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I think at some level we will all feel that "old friend" of dysphoria poke its head up every so often even when we get to that comfortable place in life where we are living as we want and should.  Humans are a social animal by 10000 years of evolution and genetics.  We strive to be apart of society and even those who don't care what others think or do still at some level care about being a part of our society.  

We will always worry that we don't fit.  CIS folks worry about this too so its not uncommon for trans folks to really worry about it.  Maybe not all the time or even once per year, but going through this sort of massive change will leave an impact on your psyche to some degree .  

The trick is what to do with it when it happens.  You either let it drag you down or just shoulder it and move past it.  Like water off a ducks back.  Easier said then done at times but we will get there eventually.

 

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