The world as seen by my eyes

[Miss Bunny]

It's an odd way of putting it, but, it's something I have been trying to figure out since I began.

 

50 years under the presumption of being male, then suddenly I appear, and mess everything up.

 

I don't think you become transgender, you're either born one, or you is not one.

So I had to be one all along. Right?

 

So all those years, HE was under the presumption he was a he, and he never was... a he.

So regardless of what he thought he felt, he was a girl, and just didn't know any better.

I mean, how would he know anything else?

 

So here I am, seeing out of my head, through my eyes, and, well, it's kinda weird.

Is it just the conditioning?

 

I 'feel' different, than the reflection in the mirror. When not looking at the reflection, in the mirror.

The moment I see myself, it's "wow, is that really me?"

I like what I see, but, it's hard to relate to it being 'me' sort of.

And this is going on 5 years now.

And yet, the moment I can't 'see' myself, I feel, kinda, not me like.

Is it just too many years of condition?

 

I 'talk' like me, but, I don't 'sound' like me.

I think like me, but my eyes don't seem to be in sync weirdly.

I actually have my picture of myself on my desktop in an effort to try and get me used to the idea "that's me, get over it will ya."

 

Is this a common experience for anyone else?

Is it maybe that I came to my reality late in the game so to speak?

I don't have the usual narrative "oh, yeah, I knew at like 5 there was something off."

I don't even have contact with those 50 years.

Poof I appear in a pre-programmed body that's been getting the wrong input for 50 years.

Urrrgghh!!

[The Viv Element]

KEEP IN MIND, I'm not a licensed therapist or have any degree in anything lol, so I could be entirely wrong about what you're going though. But here's my thoughts.

I think i might relate in some kind of way... for me... before I discovered what was wrong, i used to think it was just depression that blinded my thoughts and I was super suicidal and I was committed to a hospital for accidentally taking self harm too far one day, but because i had a family & friends to worry about i could never bring myself to suicide, I remember being so emotionally and physically exhausted with life that I was just existing only because i was biding my time... and then gradually it became clearer that I didn't feel like myself anymore, possibly because that male version of me 'died' mentally... & I became Vivian, but I still retain his memories from childhood, i still have the same personality, & wisdom so in a way, I'm still the same old me because of how my life affected me, But i'm a whole new person, I used to be able to recognize myself before the depression hit, and then I couldn't see myself anymore, perhaps because i was dying mentally... but now that I've been on HRT for 210 days, I can recognize myself again & i'm always thinking about my future & little things like decorating and cleaning and keeping the place clean now compared to when i was my other self.

if that's not something you're going through...

It's also possible that you have a split personality, I had a really close friend who was diagnosed with it & she explained it alittle bit, like sometimes she feels like her self, and sometimes she becomes her other personality but she's fully aware of it but she doesn't recognize her self either, its like her personality takes turns and sometimes her personalities 'hide' from her for a while as if like they're off doing something else. Not much i know about it though, maybe some research will clear up some answers for you.

Hope I was able to help somewhat.

xo❤️

[Miss Bunny]

Thanks for your thoughts Viv.

 

I've wondered about it being some sort of split/multiple personality thing,  but where did he go? Did I actually 'kill' him?

 

I have been told by people that knew him, that I am most definitely not him. The ex said as much, and she would sure know.

 

I wonder, if some form of trauma occurred, that I can't see past. Not sure I want to find that door, and not sure I'd want it opened.

 

I'm at least happy being 'me'. I like ME. I'm just confused by the odd inability to feel like I'm in my body when I look out through my eyes.

 

I think it is nice that I look 'cute'. All my old buddies that ditched me, hehe, they look like old men now, and I look about their daughters age  poetic.

[The Viv Element]

Anything's possible! it could have been a trauma, or it could have been an eye opening event that took place and made you think differently, We all have mental blocks in emotions & knowledge and i feel when we unblock those, we discover our selves more. 
 

22 hours ago, Miss Bunny said:

I'm just confused by the odd inability to feel like I'm in my body when I look out through my eyes.

 at the risk of sounding rude or anything, P.S. i don't know your whole story so ignore this if it doesn't feel like something you can relate to...
It could be that you're still not happy with yourself subconsciously OR that you're comparing yourself to other people often enough to the point you've forgotten how to recognize yourself. It can also just be a temporary feeling. We still haven't discovered everything there is to human biology yet, Just like our deep oceans. So its okay to have unexplained questions sometimes, Just make the best out of life while you can ❤️

[Sally Stone]

Bunny,

I think you are very definitely experiencing conditioning.  It's social conditioning, and it's amazingly powerful.  For those of us that choose to be different from the way our conditioning formed us, we have a tremendous hurdle to jump.  Unfortunately, there is no magic pill to help us transition, and I'm speaking of true transition, where we can leave the past behind.  But then Viv makes an excellent point about how much of who we are today is based on our life's journey.  She said: "I'm still the same old me because of how my life affected me" and that is so true, we are all the sum of our parts and our experiences.  So, if we can't truly transition, all we can do is take the experiences from our past life and use them to mold us into the person we want to be today.  In fact, I think it's extremely important to remember what it has taken us, good or bad, to get where are.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally