Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Miss Bunny

The world as seen by my eyes

Recommended Posts

Miss Bunny

It's an odd way of putting it, but, it's something I have been trying to figure out since I began.

 

50 years under the presumption of being male, then suddenly I appear, and mess everything up.

 

I don't think you become transgender, you're either born one, or you is not one.

So I had to be one all along. Right?

 

So all those years, HE was under the presumption he was a he, and he never was... a he.

So regardless of what he thought he felt, he was a girl, and just didn't know any better.

I mean, how would he know anything else?

 

So here I am, seeing out of my head, through my eyes, and, well, it's kinda weird.

Is it just the conditioning?

 

I 'feel' different, than the reflection in the mirror. When not looking at the reflection, in the mirror.

The moment I see myself, it's "wow, is that really me?"

I like what I see, but, it's hard to relate to it being 'me' sort of.

And this is going on 5 years now.

And yet, the moment I can't 'see' myself, I feel, kinda, not me like.

Is it just too many years of condition?

 

I 'talk' like me, but, I don't 'sound' like me.

I think like me, but my eyes don't seem to be in sync weirdly.

I actually have my picture of myself on my desktop in an effort to try and get me used to the idea "that's me, get over it will ya."

 

Is this a common experience for anyone else?

Is it maybe that I came to my reality late in the game so to speak?

I don't have the usual narrative "oh, yeah, I knew at like 5 there was something off."

I don't even have contact with those 50 years.

Poof I appear in a pre-programmed body that's been getting the wrong input for 50 years.

Urrrgghh!!

Share this post


Link to post
The Viv Element

KEEP IN MIND, I'm not a licensed therapist or have any degree in anything lol, so I could be entirely wrong about what you're going though. But here's my thoughts.

I think i might relate in some kind of way... for me... before I discovered what was wrong, i used to think it was just depression that blinded my thoughts and I was super suicidal and I was committed to a hospital for accidentally taking self harm too far one day, but because i had a family & friends to worry about i could never bring myself to suicide, I remember being so emotionally and physically exhausted with life that I was just existing only because i was biding my time... and then gradually it became clearer that I didn't feel like myself anymore, possibly because that male version of me 'died' mentally... & I became Vivian, but I still retain his memories from childhood, i still have the same personality, & wisdom so in a way, I'm still the same old me because of how my life affected me, But i'm a whole new person, I used to be able to recognize myself before the depression hit, and then I couldn't see myself anymore, perhaps because i was dying mentally... but now that I've been on HRT for 210 days, I can recognize myself again & i'm always thinking about my future & little things like decorating and cleaning and keeping the place clean now compared to when i was my other self.

if that's not something you're going through...

It's also possible that you have a split personality, I had a really close friend who was diagnosed with it & she explained it alittle bit, like sometimes she feels like her self, and sometimes she becomes her other personality but she's fully aware of it but she doesn't recognize her self either, its like her personality takes turns and sometimes her personalities 'hide' from her for a while as if like they're off doing something else. Not much i know about it though, maybe some research will clear up some answers for you.

Hope I was able to help somewhat.

xo❤️

Share this post


Link to post
Miss Bunny

Thanks for your thoughts Viv.

 

I've wondered about it being some sort of split/multiple personality thing,  but where did he go? Did I actually 'kill' him?

 

I have been told by people that knew him, that I am most definitely not him. The ex said as much, and she would sure know.

 

I wonder, if some form of trauma occurred, that I can't see past. Not sure I want to find that door, and not sure I'd want it opened.

 

I'm at least happy being 'me'. I like ME. I'm just confused by the odd inability to feel like I'm in my body when I look out through my eyes.

 

I think it is nice that I look 'cute'. All my old buddies that ditched me, hehe, they look like old men now, and I look about their daughters age :) poetic.

Share this post


Link to post
The Viv Element

Anything's possible! it could have been a trauma, or it could have been an eye opening event that took place and made you think differently, We all have mental blocks in emotions & knowledge and i feel when we unblock those, we discover our selves more. 
 

22 hours ago, Miss Bunny said:

I'm just confused by the odd inability to feel like I'm in my body when I look out through my eyes.


 at the risk of sounding rude or anything, P.S. i don't know your whole story so ignore this if it doesn't feel like something you can relate to...
It could be that you're still not happy with yourself subconsciously OR that you're comparing yourself to other people often enough to the point you've forgotten how to recognize yourself. It can also just be a temporary feeling. We still haven't discovered everything there is to human biology yet, Just like our deep oceans. So its okay to have unexplained questions sometimes, Just make the best out of life while you can ❤️

Share this post


Link to post
Sally Stone

Bunny,

I think you are very definitely experiencing conditioning.  It's social conditioning, and it's amazingly powerful.  For those of us that choose to be different from the way our conditioning formed us, we have a tremendous hurdle to jump.  Unfortunately, there is no magic pill to help us transition, and I'm speaking of true transition, where we can leave the past behind.  But then Viv makes an excellent point about how much of who we are today is based on our life's journey.  She said: "I'm still the same old me because of how my life affected me" and that is so true, we are all the sum of our parts and our experiences.  So, if we can't truly transition, all we can do is take the experiences from our past life and use them to mold us into the person we want to be today.  In fact, I think it's extremely important to remember what it has taken us, good or bad, to get where are.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 64 Guests (See full list)

    • Willa
    • KathyLauren
    • Traci Lynn
    • CreepyConfusedKid
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      70,401
    • Total Posts
      637,503
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,561
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Erynn
    Newest Member
    Erynn
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Chris Gabi
      Chris Gabi
    2. Lorry
      Lorry
  • Posts

    • kelly sinclair
      Is there any health issues  that I need to know about  that might  prevent  me from getting on hrt med ?  Or anything  I need to address beforehand and fix ? 
    • kelly sinclair
      Greatfuture  advice  I'm  taking notes   🙂
    • kelly sinclair
      Big hugs from me in my hidden bunker  lol
    • kelly sinclair
      Your welcome  alex and thanks everyone  every bit helps hugs: from me I'm my hidden bunker 
    • kelly sinclair
      You go girl . Always wanted to say that ..thanks maidinbedlam hugs 
    • Maid In Bedlam
      firstly. Thank you Suzanne. I do ramble sometimes but glad you got to the end   You cannot be both in reality. Either your stelth or your not in my opnion.   You cant be stelth really if you want to as you so aptly put it . wearing your TG armband and giving the salute.   Either you want to be one of the "Look at me im a tranner" populous or I just want to be a woman blend in and just live the rest of our lifes as such. The greatest and most sucessful Transition story never told.   I am part of the latter. At no point will i ever raise my arm in the tg salute. Go to a pride or wave a rainbow flag. Im not proud of being who i am. I dont see how i could be proud of it. I havent done anything to be proud of. I am just getting on with my life how in reality it should have been from the start.   Some may say you are so brave. How so? Im just doing what comes natural. Granted it was not always the case. But I was always a woman. I just come clean with myself and decided to physically make it so.   In fact the only time i raise my head above the trenches is on a couple of trans based internet sites. In the real world only 5 people know of my past one my doctor and the other my partner. Who held my hand while i blossomed and thats just the way i like it.    
    • kelly sinclair
      Thanks everyone  . Mabe my sister  can help with that  when she get used to the new me . Blind girl kelly  hugs 
    • Suzanne1
      Okay, I quit....I can't edit worth a darn at this hour; am going on a long vacation, till I recover from my embarrassment.
    • Suzanne1
      oops, it's late and I'm editing ever more poorly; scratch that last partial sentence.  Was about to state that I wanted to be an activist...bust I already wrote that, in an earlier sentence🤔.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Its a wonderful concept. But many of us crave the warmth of another human being by our side.   I know i do and i couldnt bare to be alone in the world.   yes another person in your life can be full of drama. hense why you choose your potentail partner wisely.   I was actually scared stiff of being left alone.
    • Suzanne1
      Much wisdom in that post.  I fear though, that many of us are of the narcissistic "see me" persuasion, and it seems that more than a few of us hold the consensus that "going stealth" is somehow a betrayal of the TG population.  It seems that many of us seem to want to raise our right arm in a chauvinistic Roman-salute to our exalted "Community Values," while wearing our TG-armbands conspicuously on our sleeves. Just my two-pennies worth of thought; never wanted to be an activist---self-styled or otherwise.   I heartily concur with the sentiment that one learns to be a woman by watching, listening, and hanging out with natal women.    Best wishes to all who practice reasonable tolerance and understanding.   Personally I never had any desire to be
    • Maid In Bedlam
      I cant reallly add any advise to your dilemmmas. I really wouldnt as i have never really dealt with the situation so i am neither qualified or have the capacity from any real life expreiances.   But for what its worth I do want to say. Laura, Your a lovely person and i have read your words in many of the threads you have commented on. Whatever comes of this please do make sure its for your own best outcomes. Many have tried to hide there feelings for the sake of someone else and its never really ended well for them.   I really do hope that you come out of all this Happy and in a better position than what you was when you went in.   Im gonna send you a big HUG. Keep your chin up girl
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Take a look around you. Sit on a bench and watch the world go by for a while. ( I know its impossible to do that right now but you get the idea) See what other women of your age group are wearing around you. Take a mental note. If you really want to blend in then copy there dress sense. But put your own spin on it.   Big mistake people who are planning on going stelth do is dress inappropriate for there age. an example of this would be thinking of it from a male perspective. DONT DO THAT. Such as heels you can just about walk in and a mini skirt that doesnt leave much to the imagination for grocery shopping. Its not rocket sceince. You wanna blend in then you have to wear things that everyone else is wearing. Its pretty basic stuff. Once you have established yourself then you can experiment a little. But dont run before you can walk. Most women have learnt this art from childhood. As you are  just learning therefore you need to be observant of what other woman already know.       Like what Erikka said. You blend. You dont stick out. . No one notices you because you look the same as everyone else. ( No dissrespect intended Erikka) Its not only appreance. Its a mental ideology. Stop being in the mindset of im just a guy in a dress. You are so much more than just that. You have to get into the practise of Im just a woman wearing what women do.   To coin a phrase i have used many times before.   A man doesnt become a woman. A woman just makes herself more womanly.   If your going to be a man and wear a dress then i would just stay in the realms of a cross dresser. However if you want to be your, to coin the phrase "Your true self" that you used in another thread then be in the state of mind thats what i am.
    • Suzanne1
      It's very late, and I'm very bored.  Was perusing old threads and old memories when I happened across this thread.  I realize everyone's gender reassignment surgeries have been scrubbed for the duration of the present crisis; so sorry.   I think that I would have hated for anything to have interfered with mine.  [It was bad enough for me just having to sit on the tarmac waiting on a spare part for the plane & it's installation.🤔]   For me, surgery was in Autumn of that year.  Post-operatively, I wore robes & sweat pants mostly, while at the convalescent home.  On the flight home, I wore jeans.  Reading the other posts in this thread-and thinking back to what my mates at the home said & how they behaved----I guess I must have a high tolerance for pain/discomfort, or some such thing.🤔  However, each person must look to their own needs & comfort, and dress accordingly, we're all individuals with different needs for personal comfort.   As far as assistance from airport personnel, it really wasn't all that forthcoming.  Gave up waiting for the recommended wheelchair &/or a baggage cart at the airport check-in, and carried my luggage to the flight gate.  I endured 3 separate security checks; the first 2 general/routine, with the last singling me out personally.  At the completion of the second security-check  when I asked for assistance raising my suitcase onto a conveyor belt, the screener apprised me that they were not there to help me.  The only assistance I received was from the chauffeur who provided transport to the airport.   Best wishes to all, and hopefully those who don't succumb to the "pandemic" (or the flu---I understand over 10x more worldwide have died so far this year from  the flu than from this Hunan corona-virus) will resume their so-desired courses of action.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Do you know that song,   Girls can wear jeans And cut their hair short Wear shirts and boots 'Cause it's OK to be a boy But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading 'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading But secretly you'd love to know what it's like Wouldn't you What it feels like for a girl   Just sharing the first thing that came into my head on reading the above  post.   Why does it have to be a secret? Ask yourself this: What do you want from your life?   Sadly in the destopian world we live in people do sometimes see it as degrading. Men have always been seen as the stronger sex. mainly by other men. Ask any woman whos the better sex and im sure they will tell you. It all depends on what sex you ask you will get a diffrent answer.   This is why a lot of people like yourself never take that step. From expreiance. Its by no means a step back. I may not and have never been as strong as the next man physically. But it doesnt bother me. because i have so many more qualitys that men can never have. I have had so many expreiances that men can never have. Theres so many things on the plus side that theres no place i would rather be. Ive tried both sides of the coin and can say im in an almost unique position where i can balance one against the other. For me I know whos best. You need to judge from your own perspective. I could type for hours about the pros and cons but in the end its you that decides what you want from your life and where you want that life to go. Never go by what others tell you. At the end of the day. When you are taking your last breath do you want to reflet on all the things you could have done or all the things you did do?   I sound like a feminist 🤣
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...