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ShawnaLeigh

Had the final big D talk. It’s on.

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ShawnaLeigh

So as some know this has been a looming ultimatum placed on me in regards to presenting female outside of the house or in public.  It was agreed upon that once I do the paperwork starts.  
We had a very unemotional and matter of fact conversation about this just this morning over coffee.  As two adults working together for our mutual benefit. 
I told her I am getting ready to stop hiding outside the house and once the hospital staff knows about my transition there is nothing else holding me back.  Other then my lack of wardrobe but heck I don’t think I will ever have enough clothing or shoes.  
We both came to the conclusion that we have been separated as husband and wife for a few months now and not living as spouses at all but roommates and girlfriends.  Which feels right.
 
Please don’t misinterpret this to me being upset because honestly I am not.  We have both had time to come to terms with this for a couple months and although we both care about each other it is the right thing to do going forward. 
Im actually feeling like the cage door had been opened.  I’m scared but feel freed.  
The divorce will be in effect for legal purposes only but our living situation will still remain as is.  For both of our financial security.  
I’m ending one phase and heading into unfamiliar territory and I’m both terrified and excited for my future.  
 

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Jackie C.

Not usually what's discussed when you "Whip Out the Big D," but OK. I have a shirt that says, "She wants the D&D" on it. Susan doesn't get it. Bless her heart.

 

I'm a little disappointed. I admit I was still holding out hope that she'd see that you're still the amazing person she married and carry you to the bedroom for a weekend of apology sex. Punctuated of course by letting the dogs out at regular intervals because they're dogs. Maybe meals too. You should probably keep up your strength while having a wild weekend of apology sex. You cannot live by whipped cream alone.

 

That said, what you've got isn't bad. So long as things remain friendly, the divorce doesn't have to be too traumatic to either of you. Disappointing that a lawyer has to profit, but what can you do? I suppose lawyers gotta eat too.

We're going to have to call her something besides your wife now. She's being cool...ish about your living situation. A good girl friend or three isn't a bad thing to have. Rooming with somebody you actually like can be a rare treat. I think you'll be OK.

I mean obviously you need to make plans for the future just in case one of you meets somebody amazing, but for now things are calm and the two of you have a good new groove that works for you both.

 

Wardrobe is a forever thing. You get a collection started and you add to it, one or two pieces at a time until it falls on you in the dead of night and smothers you in your sleep. Shoes are the same way. I've got a good start to my collection, but I could use another pair here and there. Of course part of my reluctance is that it's hard to find cute shoes in my size. The bigger a woman's shoe size, the uglier the available shoes. Finding stuff I like that's comfortable and cute is a project.

You have smaller feet so you'll be less limited.

 

Excited about you going out as yourself though! That'll be fun and it's a huge confidence builder! It gives you a chance to stretch your girl muscles and figure out how you like to present... which turns back into buying more work clothes, finding shoes and accessories to match and starting the cycle all over again.

Until you're crushed by your clothes collection in the dead of the night.

 

Hugs!

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Jani

This is a good compromise Shawna. It shows maturity on both your parts.  It would be crazy to blow up your household arrangements over this.   Plus even though its said "familiarity breeds contempt" it can also be said that it brings comfort.  I hope it brings you both to a place where you're both comfortable.

 

Jani

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ShawnaLeigh
15 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

That said, what you've got isn't bad. So long as things remain friendly, the divorce doesn't have to be too traumatic to either of you. Disappointing that a lawyer has to profit, but what can you do? I suppose lawyers gotta eat too.

We're going to have to call her something besides your wife now. She's being cool...ish about your living situation. A good girl friend or three isn't a bad thing to have. Rooming with somebody you actually like can be a rare treat. I think you'll be OK.

I mean obviously you need to make plans for the future just in case one of you meets somebody amazing, but for now things are calm and the two of you have a good new groove that works for you both.

Yes all things considered I am not in a bad situation and as I’ve said it feels like the proper thing to do for both of us.  The Catalyst to our divorce is me becoming a women on the outside and her not being attracted to women.  Which writing in now seems petty but it is not.  Everyone has a right to how the feel and what they want or need in a relationship and it’s to a point where we both recognize each other is not that person or the other.  
 

However there are deeper issues and certain neglect in this marriage that I can no longer live with and without prior to me coming out.  Things by themselves are no big deal but collectively they are for me.  I will not get into all that but will say this entire situation feels like a blessing in disguise.  
Im getting to a place now that I simply can not play or live as Shawn anymore.  I need to be Shawna and live my life as my true self.  This has been made clear from the moment I came out to her she can not go along side of me as spouses but she certainly can as a supportive friend.  I can’t ask or expect anything more then that.  

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ShawnaLeigh
9 hours ago, Jani said:

This is a good compromise Shawna. It shows maturity on both your parts.  It would be crazy to blow up your household arrangements over this.   Plus even though its said "familiarity breeds contempt" it can also be said that it brings comfort.  I hope it brings you both to a place where you're both comfortable.

 

Jani

This has been the hardest thing to come to terms with.  Our daily life and home and routines have not changed and in fact has gotten better.  It confused me at first too not gonna lie.  How can we be headed to divorce and everything seems fine.  
Things are comfortable and seem to be as they should be.  
There is no drama.  No tears or hard emotions.  No stress or fear.  
We just are roommates and supportive towards each other.  We both still care.  

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ShawnaLeigh
15 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Not usually what's discussed when you "Whip Out the Big D," but OK. I have a shirt that says, "She wants the D&D" on it. Susan doesn't get it. Bless her heart.

Ok last thing. 
I have to admit.  I don’t get it either.  🥴

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Jackie C.
5 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Ok last thing. 
I have to admit.  I don’t get it either.  🥴

 

It's simple. I have a filthy, filthy mind.

 

Hugs!

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DonnaBall

Hi Shawna, you are very lucky that your wife does not want to physically part with you and that she can tolerate seeing Shawna.  I should be so lucky. 

At least you won't have to deal with loneliness and of course two can live more cheaply than each alone. 

There are many advantages to being with someone also, two heads are better than one, an extra helping hand when needed and sharing household chores. I could go on and on. 

My situation is going very slowly.  We are still working on separation with me getting a loan to pay her so I can keep our condo, then once that's concluded, she has to get pre-qualified for a loan so she can buy a condo, and then she has to find one and then finally move.  It's still several months away.  

In the mean time I can only be Donna when she is not home for a long enough time to make it worth while. 

We are slowly telling our friends about the separation but not anything about me being transgender yet.  I will wait until after separation. 

I am glad though that we are not doing the bid D though as there will always be the chance that she misses me so much that she will change her mind. I always have and still do treat her like a princess. 

Donna

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KymmieL
6 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

 The Catalyst to our divorce is me becoming a women on the outside and her not being attracted to women.  Which writing in now seems petty but it is not.  Everyone has a right to how the feel and what they want or need in a relationship and it’s to a point where we both recognize each other is not that person or the other.  

This is what my wife feels too. She has said it more than once. She is traditional MF relationship. However my wife has said that she will consider it but may take time. 

 

My timeline in my transition is. I am looking to start my name change towards the end of May. So hopefully be done by July.

 

Kymmie

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ShawnaLeigh

There is nothing wrong with holding on to the finest bit of hope.  You never know until it’s a done deal and even then.  
If my wife had a change of heart I’m not sure I could go back to what we had.  Things would have to change.  

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Suzanne1

Divorce?  Well, more often that seems to be the norm, although I must write that it seems to be at least somewhat less so amongst the people on these forums.  Hopefully things will work out for the best, for everyone. 

 

I certainly did not want a divorce during my transition, but my spouse did and initiated such.  A few years afterward, it appeared to have been the best life's best decision for the both of us.  Today, I can still state the same. 

 

Again, best wishes for all involved.

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