Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Mary Jane

I have a question

Recommended Posts

Mary Jane

I put this in suicide prevention because I’m kind of thinking of doing it again so my question is: is there a way I can be less sad/hurt the way I’m doing now is playing video games or watching something interesting like shows I like to watch but both are temporary, so what’s a more better solution for me to be less sad/hurt. Seriously soon all of this hurt or sadness will just be so much that I can kill my self

Share this post


Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Mark, what are the main reasons you feel sad and hurt?  Once you ID those things, you can start figuring out how to change those things, because unless and until you change what's causing the feelings, you can't permanently fix them.  The other things you mentioned are band aids, and band aids are not meant to be permanent fixes.

 

Please talk to our counselors in Chat, or talk with your therapist if you have one, or talk with someone you trust IRL.  I wish you all the best.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Share this post


Link to post
Mary Jane

Well the main things causing the it I guess is not having a good enough relationship with anyone even in any of my family members I guess one way to fix it is change how my family is or find ways to get great friends 

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

Have you got a club through school, libraries... whatever it is that Canadians have where they meet people? I get that it's hard, I'm an introvert too, but I've made a bunch of new friends simply by introducing myself to a a bunch of like-minded people and saying, "Hey, I'm Robyn. Can I play too?"

I'm also a cute little shark on game night. I love it when guys introduce me to a new game and assume I don't know how strategy works.

 

Unfortunately, relationships take work to fix. It's happy work, but if only one person is putting in the effort, it's bound to fail. I don't know your family, so I can't say how open they are to changing how they treat you. I'd work on friends. Making friends is a skill that will take you a long way in life in any case. It's worth practicing.

 

In the meantime, we're always here for you if you need to vent sweetie.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
Mary Jane

Well I know there might be clubs here at my city I don’t know any but I’ve google searched for some before but even if I could I’m pretty sure I can’t  join them because well I’m kind of I guess afraid of my mom and dad because they’re kind of random and I even already tried... well kind of a few months ago around the start of September I typed something and once I gave them it they had questions and by the end of it I thought things would change in my family but so far they haven’t. I don’t know the reason of why I’m scared

 

also thank you I’m probably going to vent a lot

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

Parents can be scary. You basically need their support until you're old enough to go out on your own. They, however, aren't required to give it. The idea that you might lose that support can be terrifying. Especially if your parents behave erratically.

I was raised by ocelots. I completely get random parents. Kids should get stability, not whatever that was. 

 

Still, friends. Your found family can be a source of great strength when you need it. Especially if your blood family isn't living up to expectations. 

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
Mary Jane

Yea true and I believe someday whether it's online or real life I'll have great friends

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

You absolutely will. It's easier if you go find them instead of expecting them to come to you. They're out there.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

Like you i felt isolated with a family who didn't understand and couldn't accept me.  I had become an addict.   I started to drink first thing and would pass out during the day only to start again.  When i found a group of other alcoholics they became a new family of choice.  I was "loved until i could love myself".   As a benefit i was able to get closer to my family than i have ever been. 

Getting out, meeting others and staying away from isolation helps immensely.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post
michelle_kitten
17 hours ago, Markjvp said:

I put this in suicide prevention because I’m kind of thinking of doing it again so my question is: is there a way I can be less sad/hurt the way I’m doing now is playing video games or watching something interesting like shows I like to watch but both are temporary, so what’s a more better solution for me to be less sad/hurt. Seriously soon all of this hurt or sadness will just be so much that I can kill my self

 

I know that hole your in oh  so well.  It may seem like things will never get better.  I've been there so many times.  It sucks.

 

A lot of good advice has been given before me, but I am going to add to it.  What made a difference in my life is an attitude of gratitude.  I know that might seem silly where you're at, but please, read what I have to say.\

 

I grew up the child of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder.  She constantly played people against each other, and often treated me as defective.  She bad-mouthed my dad to me behind his back (not without cause), in order to feed her sense of superior self-worth.  She could sit in a busy shopping mall and name other people's character flaws as they walked by, and was probably correct.  It is fun being on the inside, but when that kind of mind is turned against  you, it can be a personal hell.  I hated parent teacher conferences.  I would start every school year optimistic and dedicated, until the first time my parents met with my teachers and told them what a screw up I was.  After that, I was treated very differently by my teachers.  She'd do it with my friends, drawing them into conversations, where she'd tell them all my flaws and every embarrassing thing I'd done since age 4.  Nothing was good enough, and my self-esteem got battered to nothing over the years.  I was ill prepared for life when she threw me out of the  house at age 18.

 

My father was little better.  He was abusive.  He's in prison right now for abusing a child he adopted after I was grown.  I can't tell you the times he came at me with his fists.  I remember clearly a hot summer day when we were working in the yard, and the heat was getting to me.  He picked up fist sized rocks and was throwing them at me, hard.  Fortunately, he didn't hit me, though nearly.

 

When I finally married in my 30's, after years of trying to get my head together, I married a woman with borderline personality disorder.  Feelings were her reality, even if they were based on nothing.  She would gas light me.  She was never affectionate with our children, and often turned on them as well.  She sabotaged us financially, and kept us living paycheck to paycheck.  I lived in a world where everything I did was wrong.  She'd ask my opinion only to be told her opinion on a  matter was the right one, and she'd go ahead and do whatever she wanted anyway.  When I finally confronted her with the abuse, she said, "Yeah, I abused you, but..." and went on to justify it with everything I ever did wrong as an excuse.  To this day, there is no contrition on her part, and was ultimately why I filed for divorce.

 

All of this time I suffered with Major Depressive Disorder.  I learned to keep it together.  My parent punished weakness, and I was married to a person who made suicide attempts 5 times while we were married, and once since.  Some one had to keep it together for the kids.  I can smile and go to work and pretend nothing is wrong and be absolutely dying inside.  The more I do that, the more mentally impaired I become.  I become clumsy, distracted, and unable to process.  I lose my short-term memory.  Life just gets stressful.

 

I finally broke about three years ago and ended up in the hospital.  What I felt was the absolute end of my life was actually the beginning.  I stopped being focused on all the bad things that happened and all the regrets I have (and there are many), I started focusing on what I do have.

 

After my break I spent 3 months in a homeless shelter and another 9 months in transitional housing.

 

Three years later, I have a job I never expected to get at a wage I never expected to earn starting out in the industry I am in now.  I am getting ready to see what else is out there for me.  I have a roof over my head.  It isn't perfect, but it is sufficient.  I have clothing.  Like most girls I'd like a lot more, but I have clothes to wear.  I have food to eat.  Maybe too much food.  I have a few friends.  I have finally come to terms with my gender dysphoria and am in transition.  It is far from perfect, but I have a lot of good things, and despite the 50 or so years of misery I am happy.

 

So, I go to bed every night being thankful.  When people ask me how I am, I say I am blessed.  It keeps me focused on what I have, and not what I don't have, or what I missed out on.  It puts the regrets and the painful past behind me and it dims the memory of the traumatic events and painful days and hours of where I've been.  It has become hard for me to believe I was the depressed mess I once was.

 

For me medication and an attitude of gratitude has been amazing.  Will there be an end to the pain before you reach your limit to manage it?  I think there will be.  I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I do know you can, one little step at a time, dig yourself out of the hole you're in.  You'd be surprised how focusing on the good will cheer you up a bit, which will change how you interact with people and how they interact with you.  You will find energy to get up from the computer and interact more with the world.  It may take time, but it will get better and better.

 

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Share this post


Link to post
Mary Jane

thank you to all of you and @michelle_kitten I've heard of focusing on the good things before in fact I'm always trying but life keeps finding a way to bring me down to make me think more of the negative but thanks to you i can focus on the good things again, well a pretty balanced mix of good and negative. And will do on keeping you and the other people that use the site posted on how I'm doing

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 69 Guests (See full list)

    • Willa
    • ShawnaLeigh
    • Maid In Bedlam
    • KathyLauren
    • MaryEllen
    • Natasha1973
    • Gender Phoenix
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      70,310
    • Total Posts
      636,468
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,505
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Gender Phoenix
    Newest Member
    Gender Phoenix
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • ShawnaLeigh
      "Please stop calling me that." I say this phrase a million times per week at home.  I say it soft and with heartfelt compassion for her reasoning why she struggles with it. I say it in anger when its over and over and over.... I say it when we are having a super fun time together. I say it when she is mad at me and I have no idea why.. I think I have even said it to one of the dogs the other day. I am so weary of saying it.   The thing that hurts is not hearing it.  Its that she is the one person in my whole world who I love, adore, trust and admire and she is the only person who still calls me this. I don't even want to start on the wrong pronouns. She has never adopted one of those cute pet names couple call each other.  No Honey, Hon or Babe.  Always just my first name. (birth name)   Hell every guy on the planet knows to call every single women he falls in love with the same pet name he always uses.  So as not to call your wife/GF/ SO the wrong name.  Mine name for all of them was "Hon". Though I have called her my ex-wifes name a time or two and got hell for it.  Ussually during a fight or high stress and loud conversation.  (Yeah.  It didn't help me much.)   She never made that mistake nor has changed calling me Shawn since we met in 2008. She even tried to play it like, "Shawn is just a nick name for Shawna".  Yeah, Save it!  Its not.   I do plan to try and have another heart to heart with her over this.  In the times her and I are living and the situation we are in with respects to are failing marriage and ongoing living situation.  I certainly do not want to "start anything" but this is not about that.  Its about simple respect for someone you say you love and want to remain friends with.      
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Good Luck Alex.     Good advise from Susan.      The Sweater works best i think.   Keeping my fingers crossed.        
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Hello Natasha and welcome to the forum   Another Brit. Thats the second this week. I can see a trend here i hope.   I hope you find the answers you seek here. Theres plenty of pages of people who have been in your position. So im sure help is at hand.   You are around freinds
    • Maid In Bedlam
      openly admiting that? 🤣   You wait until you have something to fill a bra with.. Some times i wish i could take mine off but i keep looking for the velcros. I cant find it. I wish i could get the cheeky so and so who strapped these to my chest. Oh hold on a minute it was me. DOH      
    • Emily michelle
      I think the blue sweater and jeans they look really good on you. Good luck on your interview I know you will do fine.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Presenting favorable circumstances or showing signs of a favorable outcome;       My pronouns are Legend or Awesome. But in that strange world outside the internet people just use my name. The only time anyone uses Miss or sometimes Mrs is when its official. Bah to that. We are already of the same thinking patten   See already your comments have had favorable outcome   I rest my case 😉
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Before a, As you call it validation what is your own idea of being transgender is?     This may sound like a rather starange question. But peoples throughts on what they are actually defining themselves can be very diffrent.   An example of this would be.   transsexual;     This definition I dont actually agree with in parts but for the purposes of answeing your question is sufficent.   Trangender:       Almost the same you would think at first glance. But in reality Two very diffrent conditions.   You also use the word transvestite. Which again is a very diffrent and can be classed as  outdated  in some quarters.   Which would relate to if you;       As i will reiterate. Before an answer you have to understand the question.   Just saying could i be, is just the starting point.  Logic will dictate what you could or could not be  by a process of elimination.   Dont even get me started on Gender fluid, Gender queer, Non Binary. The list goes on.       Do you have a compelling feeling you was not assigned the right gender at birth or do you just get a feeling of sexual euphoria when dress in clothes of the oposite sex? And pardon the frankness of that questiion but if your just a transvestite then that would be a good indicator or starting point..   However if ihave made you think Now have i felt theres something wrong my whole life and I feel that i have been a, (And i hate to use this term) A Woman trapped in a mans body. Then i would say there is something deeper going on.   Remember a Man doesnt become a woman. A woman just makes herself more womanly. Ie, Transsexual.
    • Alex C
      Welcome Natasha to TP...this a safe place. keep post it helps
    • Alex C
      thanks Maddie..means a lot
    • Ms Maddie
      Agree that jeans work well for you  Alexi.  Sweater too.  Whichever you feel personally more confident with when it's time to go.  I think you got this. Good luck with the interview!
    • Wes
      Thanks so much Alex!
    • Alex C
      What's Up Wes...Great name. Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS
    • Alex C
      Hey Zeda glad yr living the dream..Much lv , be safe, Be Proud and KICK ASS
    • Alex C
      Hey KM. Congrat's on being proud and real to yourself. Your Wife will appreciate that your honest,,,be safe, Be Proud and KICK ASS
    • Alex C
      its a Kroger Supermarket , Ty Susan means a lot
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...