She's trying so hard

[secondlook]

My wife is still really upset about learning that I am transgender. Just last night she was sobbing about it. But at the same time she is trying so hard to be supportive. When I mentioned that a family member had said something transphobic over the weekend, she got mad at herself for having missed it and was truly sympathetic about how it must have hurt me. 

 

When I noted, in hopefully a non-accusatory way, that she has at times seemed a little bit skeptical about my coming out, she admitted that she was. But then she admitted that she might just be in denial. I told her it was OK if she was in denial, it's only been a few weeks for her and I was in denial for decades!

 

Then this morning, she came home from an appointment and shared a story she'd read online about a young teen struggling with gender identity. So clearly she's going out of her way to educate herself and understand what's going on.

 

The thing she was upset about yesterday was that I had shaved my legs, and she asked me not to shave my other body hair just yet. She wants time to adjust. I think that's totally fair and reasonable. I don't want to leave her behind, I want us to navigate this together.

[secondlook]

34 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

My ex is an expert at writing and I sometimes say semi jokingly that she should write a book for SO

 

I support this idea!

[ShawnaLeigh]

When I came out I was a blubbering mess and it took me days to get it all out to my wife.  She was a rock and was unemotional for my sake and just listened and encouraged me to just be honest and say what I needed to say.  It was so hard for me.  Breaking out of my shell of protection and the conditioning to hide everything for decades was insurmountable to me.  

I had to remind myself it was not JUST about me but about us.  About everyone I love and care about really.  They too have to take time to accept and adjust and wrap their minds around it all. 

Like you mentioned we had month or years to accept this of ourselves they have had day to weeks.  My wife admitted to mourning the loss of her husband as she sat there and watched me changing before her eyes both in personality and physical appearance. 

I slowed down for both our sakes.

Yes we deal with this all our lives to some degree and more so once we come out and put ourselves in high stress and anxiety over every step of it.  We seek acceptance, love and support but they too need this in return.

There is no guide lines or time lines to do any of this so do what feels right for both of you at a pace that is accepted by both.

You are lucky she is as accepting as she is and concerned for your wellbeing.  It seems like time and slow progression will be a good thing for you both.

JMO

[SaraAW]

I came out to my wife a few months ago and she still breaks down crying at times. We were both an absolute mess when I came out to her. She is slowly coming around, but reads into everything I do, as if there is another shoe about to drop. She has a very hard time with change in general, so I expect it to take a long time for her to fully accept everything. 

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, secondlook said:

She wants time to adjust. I think that's totally fair and reasonable. I don't want to leave her behind, I want us to navigate this together.

I agree...your wife sounds totally reasonable.  I can tell she loves you deeply too.  The pain of possibly losing what you once had is real for her.  You can try to lovingly convince her that the core part of you she loves is not going anywhere.  As time moves forward she may see this to be true.  My advice is to continue to be patient with her and always try to see the situation from her eyes.  This beginning is difficult for us all and sometimes even harder for the spouse.  It sounds like you have a decent chance to make this work.
 

My Best,

Susan R?

[secondlook]

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

You can try to lovingly convince her that the core part of you she loves is not going anywhere.  As time moves forward she may see this to be true.  My advice is to continue to be patient with her and always try to see the situation from her eyes.  This beginning is difficult for us all and sometimes even harder for the spouse.

 

No doubt about it, you're totally right. Coming to my realization was hugely good news for me. She's having a harder time seeing that, which makes perfect sense. I'm trying to help her see the ways in which it can be good news for her. And she did volunteer that since I came out to her, I've been more relaxed and patient in general. I was never particularly known for a relaxed demeanor previously. I'm trying to show her that while I may not be exactly the partner she got used to over the past 15 years, going forward I should be a much better one because I'm at peace with myself for the first time ever.

[Jackie C.]

Susan's biggest fear was that I'd start this marvelous new life and leave her behind. I make it a point to remind her that, while I'm starting a new adventure, I'd very much like to have my partner come with me. Over time she's come to find that I'm easier to live with now, more considerate of her time and feeling and a better lover. I think we're stronger now than before.

 

At every step of the way, I make sure to let her know what was going on and answer any questions she had. Out watchword has been, "No more secrets." Outside of gift giving, I've held myself to that standard ever since I've come out.

 

Hugs!

[secondlook]

I have a new problem now. When I came out to my wife, I had only been aware of my true self for a couple of weeks. My thoughts up until coming out had been dominated by how I would explain it to her, how I could be sensitive and understanding and try to soften the blow as best I could. That meant that I hadn't done a lot of thinking about how I wanted to explore becoming the real me going forward.

 

So when she started asking me questions, I didn't have a lot of great answers, and now it seems that something I said that I thought was true at the time is now not entirely true. I told her that my need to become a woman physically wasn't about cross-dressing, that I had never cross-dressed and that I wasn't thinking about it in the future. I told her I could envision myself wearing largely the same kinds of outfits that I do now, jeans and button-down shirts.

 

But now as I research and come to grips with the fact that any kind of physical transformation is years in the future, no matter how well I deal with the obstacles in front of me, the idea of seeing how feminine I can make myself with my current body becomes more and more appealing. I'm reading fashion articles with interest for the first time in my life. I've got a number of feminine pieces of clothing and accessories sitting in my Amazon shopping cart.

 

I worry that disclosing this reversal, so soon after the shock of my coming out, will undermine the remarkable emotional progress that she has made up to now. But as long as I keep it quiet, I'm being deceptive again. This is the catch-22: my exploration of this new side of myself seems to be happening faster than she can emotionally process it, leaving me in the position of having to choose between damaging revelations or merciful deception. These seem like equally bad options. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

I have struggled with this myself when first coming out to my wife.  I had no clear answers and the "time line" questions that kept coming up I answered based on generic time frames for certain physical changes due to HRT.  I had no real idea what my time lines were or even are right now as my body and mind continue to change week by week.  But I threw out answers before I was clear on what the true answers were to try and defuse the situation back then and give her something to chew on.     

I had to explain this again just last weekend because she threw it in my face that I was saying a year or two until I would feel comfortable presenting full female and 6 months into it I am saying now is a good time.  I truly did not think I would be ready or had the right mind set to do so this quickly but I can not be blamed for how my transition is effecting me.

 

Try to think of it this way.

Yes you knew something was going on with you for a very long time, years even, but you clearly did not know "exactly" what it was and your journey begins with discovery of certain things dealing with transition.  That's after you have accepted there is something going on and its real.

 

Explain that any time lines or feelings from a few months ago may not apply now because you are changing both physically and mentally.  Again you have no idea how fast or slow these changes can occur

Try to set it up as "I will tell you as changes and mind set changes happen asap and keep you informed as best I can."

I mean you can not expect to explain everything up front and answer questions when you don't know what it all is yet.  

I understand you want things to go smoothly and with as little drama and stress but you are learning so give yourself time too.

[Jackie C.]

Just because your day to day look is much the same, it doesn't mean that you still can't dress up for special occasions. My "uniform" most days is jeans and a t-shirt. The same as it's been since high school. Back in the stone age. When giant lizards walked the Earth, cell phones were about the size of a briefcase and computers ran on punch cards.

 

OK, PC's were starting to become a thing, but seriously, 5K of RAM.

 

Anyway, it's kind of expected for women to wear different outfits depending on the circumstance. I wouldn't wear jeans and a t-shirt to a funeral... well, not anymore. I'd add some accents and wear something nice. Maybe one of my pairs of uncomfortable shoes. A nice top with either a skirt or some pants.

 

In any case, Shawna's right. A big part of this journey is discovering what kind of woman you want to be. There are a lot of options. So many more choices than men get. You need to explore a bit. Nobody gets to figure out who they are right out of the box. Once you explain that to your wife, I'm sure she'll understand. After all, this is a learning experience for you too.

 

Hugs!

[secondlook]

3 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Try to set it up as "I will tell you as changes and mind set changes happen asap and keep you informed as best I can."

 

Yeah, I agree that that's best. It's just that uncertainty is difficult for her. I tend to embrace the opportunities of change, and she tends to fear the downsides. Put us together, and when we agree on something, it's usually a really good decision. But when we disagree it can be hard to find a middle ground.

 

2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

A big part of this journey is discovering what kind of woman you want to be.

 

I'm seeing that, and it's really exciting for me. I just have to be careful that I don't get ahead of myself and leave her wondering where the heck her spouse went.

[Susan R]

5 hours ago, secondlook said:

But now as I research and come to grips with the fact that any kind of physical transformation is years in the future, no matter how well I deal with the obstacles in front of me, the idea of seeing how feminine I can make myself with my current body becomes more and more appealing.

I just want to point out a few things to think about in regards to the above statement.  
 

It’s so helpful to keep your wife in the loop on all aspects with really exceptional communication.  Also, keeping expected progress a little more open-ended really helps.  Here’s an extreme example...I was pretty sure I wanted GRS surgery from the very beginning but didn’t state that in the beginning.  First it would’ve worried her to no end without the proper perspective and understanding of where I was.  That takes time.  So I told her from the start (obviously paraphrasing here) that I was not sure what I needed down the road.  We can work on the details together when we decide what’s right.  That let my wife know that I was not going to do anything without her being included in the decision making process.
 

Only a few months after my initial coming out, our original timeline which was over 3 years, started rapidly speeding up as both my wife and I actually adjusted to the new lifestyle MUCH faster than we anticipated.  Our timeline kept shortening as time progressed in a necessary way.  My wife realized that the changes we were making would only benefit us both in the end.  You and your wife may have similar timeline changes.  Just make sure your BOTH in the same place.  Jumping the gun can only scare her and make her insecure about future changes.  This may happen to you too.

 

So in short, it helps when communicating to leave future milestones and expectations somewhat vague and open ended because things will likely change on your adjustable timeline.

 

Susan R?