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Starting HRT and Effects


Taylor

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Hi everyone,

 

It's been a while since I've felt up for posting. (I'm so glad Winter has at least taken a break for a bit). To start off, I am glad to say I started HRT about a week ago. I know a lot of the changes don't really start until a few months in, especially the physical changes like fat redistribution and breast growth. I am however a bit curious, since that time frame is really an expectation more than a hard-set rule. If anyone would be willing to share how long it took them, before noticing various changes... be it some of the mentioned physical ones, or other changes like some of the mental/emotional shifts I've heard can happen.

 

I understand things can vary a fair bit, based on a variety of factors. I am still interested to hear the experiences of others.

 

Thanks,

Taylor

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Hi Taylor and thanks for the update.  As to changes, we're all different but you might start to notice a few things soon like less oiliness in your skin and a softness too.  Mental changes will come along soon enough although through the placebo effect you may start to feel better and different sooner.  No changes to facial hair.  Other physical changes may take a bit to manifest.  Hang on though, it will be interesting.

 

Cheers, Jani

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Within the first month, I was starting to notice changes: tingling in my breasts, softer skin.  Within three months, there was noticeable breast growth.  My six months, I could see changes in my lips and eyes.  By the end of the first year, my body hair was thinning out or gone entirely, and my wife was commenting on how feminine my face looked.  At about two and a half years, I could notice some fat redistribution.

 

As with everything HRT-related, your mileage may vary.

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A lot of it depends on age. You're 25, so you might not see much, or anything, in the way of hips. Breast tenderness was the first physical change I noticed. However, estridiol had been working dark magic on my brain before that. You'll find yourself more emotional first. It's subtle though, it sneaks up on you. Crying easier while consuming media for example.

 

Breasts are next. I'm not a good person to talk to about that. After about eighteen months I've got an A-Cup. I was a slow bloomer for puberty 1.0 too though, so I'm still holding out hope for a visit from the boob fairy.

 

Softer and clearer skin happened pretty fast. I'm just getting back on HRT after surgery and it took about a week for my skin to remember that it's smooth and pretty, not dry and nasty. This was subtle in the beginning too. I just slowly got less... manly I guess? There's also been some redistribution in where I carry my flesh in my face. It's subtle, but it makes me look more feminine.

 

Tragically, I suffer from alopecia so I can't tell you a darn thing about hair.

 

Hugs!

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Thanks for the responses so far. I realize it will take some time. More curious than anything, about people who may have experienced thing rather early on or later than usual.

 

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

Within the first month, I was starting to notice changes: tingling in my breasts, softer skin.

 

It hasn't quite been a week yet, and some of it might be in my head, but over the weekend I did have a rather short tingling-itch in my chest. I also felt like my skin may have been a bit softer after my last shave, but it may have just been a closer shave that made it feel smoother.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

A lot of it depends on age. You're 25, so you might not see much, or anything, in the way of hips. Breast tenderness was the first physical change I noticed. However, estridiol had been working dark magic on my brain before that. You'll find yourself more emotional first. It's subtle though, it sneaks up on you. Crying easier while consuming media for example.

 

Breasts are next. I'm not a good person to talk to about that. After about eighteen months I've got an A-Cup. I was a slow bloomer for puberty 1.0 too though, so I'm still holding out hope for a visit from the boob fairy.

 

Softer and clearer skin happened pretty fast. I'm just getting back on HRT after surgery and it took about a week for my skin to remember that it's smooth and pretty, not dry and nasty. This was subtle in the beginning too. I just slowly got less... manly I guess? 

 

 

Yeah. I know age can be a big factor. I'm glad I'm able to start transitioning now, at 25, than it being much later. Of course there is the part of me that wishes I would've realized things earlier in life, but it's not really productive to dwell on the past like that. (I would assume plenty of people here feel similarly about coming out, transitioning, etc.). Personally hips aren't really a big concern, a little shape would be nice... but not a big deal. I am kind of looking forward to the emotional stuff though, though I feel a bit weird for that.

 

Hope you do you your visit from the boob fairy though, Jackie.

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4 hours ago, Taylor said:

I know a lot of the changes don't really start until a few months in, especially the physical changes like fat redistribution and breast growth

 

I began HRT on Dec 4th, 2019, less than 3 months ago.  Everyone's timetable will vary.   Mine certainly did:  breast soreness began at 3 weeks, breast buds formed at 4 weeks, and tissue growth began in earnest.  I understand why my doctor said that growth usually doesn't begin until 3 to 6 months in (because that's the average response she sees in her patients).  As I've remarked elsewhere in other posts, I've actually reduced my patch size/daily dose to slow growth down, as I'm non-binary and don't have significant breast growth as a goal.  I'm a living experiment in whether, for me, I can continue with microdosing.  The coming 6 months or so will tell, I think.

 

Body hair (for example, on legs) is now smoother.  Chest hair isn't, because I'm at the stage where electrolysis has removed almost all of it ?.

 

Since an initial flurry of questions (via the health portal for my HRT facility), I've personally found a less stressful approach for me is to chill a bit and not be super-anxious about every small little thing I might notice.  It will happen when it happens, if it happens.  I'm just happy that estradiol really IS addressing my dysphoria -- I now have positive developments that I can dwell on, even small ones, and that's a good thing!  And, yes, I cherish being more emotional, too!

 

Astrid

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8 hours ago, MaryMary said:

It took me about 1 or 2 months I think. If I remember well the first physical effect was the skin

 

8 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Within the first month, I was starting to notice changes: tingling in my breasts, softer skin.

These were the very first things I felt and noticed too...I think my first noticeable effects started 3 weeks in before I knew something was changing inside.  The tingling sensation in the breast bud area happened almost simultaneously with the baby soft skin discovery.  I can remember the evening very clearly...I was really tired and I stretched my arms above my head and my bicep touched my cheek.  An unexpected thought hit me....”OMG! my skin is completely different.”  Both arms and shoulders had baby butt soft skin too.  The rest of my body followed suit by month 2 or 3.  It wasn’t even something I was really waiting for but it has been one of the best side effects I could ever imagine.  I would hate to have men’s skin again...especially now that my sweat doesn’t smell musky like a man’s anymore.  My wife loves that I don’t really have any noticeable smell these days.  I can’t say exactly when the change occurred but it was very early on that my wife noticed the difference...maybe 3 months into HRT.

 

Also early on (6 weeks to 2 months) there were changes were breast and libido related. My breasts, specifically my nipples, became sore to touch, very hard nip tips and some itching...then harder breast buds followed by growth. Which seemingly stops and starts still to this day (today is exactly 17 months HRT).

 

My libido dropped a bit which doesn’t bother me at all.  My libido no longer starts on its own...I have to consciously try to get the engine started with my mental stimulation and having my wife around helps too.

 

As others have mentioned, the facial changes probably happen next. For me maybe 2 months in but I first noticed I was looking a little more feminine in the face about 4 -5 months after starting.

 

Eventually, my feet, hands, and private parts started shrinking and upper body too as my weight started to redistribute to more feminine areas (thighs, butt shape, calves are smaller, arms are smaller, waist seems higher and smaller) ...maybe 5-6 months after starting.  My shoes dropped 2.5 sizes in US woman’s shoes.  I’m down to a size 9 - 9.5 now depending on the brand.  This change may have started 5-6 months in but may be continuing still. Don’t do what I did and go buy expensive shoes out the gate...I’d wait at least 6 months.  Many on HRT experience this especially if you drop a few pounds along the way.

 

Another interesting change is my wrist (and probably ankle) width.  My wrist thickness pre HRT was larger.  I had about a 1/2” from my thumb and middle finger when wrapping them around my wrist.  Now, I can easily touch the tips of my thumb and middle finger around each of my wrists.

 

My skin is much thinner now.  In the sauna, when it auto starts every 10 mins, my fingertips and toe tips get uncomfortably hot.  The same thing happens with very cold weather, my fingertips ache a bit if I am not wearing gloves. So there’s much more sensitivity in my extremities.

 

After about 8 months, body hair started becoming noticeably thinner everywhere.  Now, I have many areas that I no longer shave and a few areas only once in a blue moon because the hair is so light and thin.  My facial hair has not changed much in composition but I takes 3 days to get a noticeable amount of hair on my face (like 5 o'clock shadow). I have only let it grow out that much once though in the last year just to test it.  I still have to shave my face first thing every morning.

 

Another odd side effect I experienced is an eye color change.  I’m not sure when it happened...probably very slowly over the first year. My eye color pre HRT was dark blue grey now it’s a really bright blue.  My wife, daughters and several friends have noticed this change and commented on it.

 

Well that’s all The changes I can think of but there are others.  As you know and as others have pointed out...your age, dna, prescribed dose of HRT, etc...are different so don’t expect these exact same changes and the same timing but likely you’ll experience many of them at some time or another on your journey.

 

Good Luck,

Susan R?

 

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Thanks again for posting your experiences.

 

12 hours ago, Susan R said:

Eventually, my feet, hands, and private parts started shrinking and upper body too as my weight started to redistribute to more feminine areas (thighs, butt shape, calves are smaller, arms are smaller, waist seems higher and smaller) ...maybe 5-6 months after starting.  My shoes dropped 2.5 sizes in US woman’s shoes.  I’m down to a size 9 - 9.5 now depending on the brand.  This change may have started 5-6 months in but may be continuing still. Don’t do what I did and go buy expensive shoes out the gate...I’d wait at least 6 months.  Many on HRT experience this especially if you drop a few pounds along the way.

 

 

I am a bit intrigued by this. A lot of things I've read have said things like foot size won't change, though at the same time I have seen some say they will. I know I would like to shrink a bit (about size 12 mens, depending on the shoe) puts me a bit out of range of women's typical sizes. I don't expect enough of a change to drop to a common size, however it would be be nice to at least adjust into the a more workable size in women's (where options are so limited). That said, I don't see myself caring a ton about starting a shoe collection... but being able to get a couple of things would be nice.

 

Thanks,

Taylor

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49 minutes ago, Taylor said:

A lot of things I've read have said things like foot size won't change, though at the same time I have seen some say they will.

I attend several trans support groups.  Both are predominantly MtF groups.  Several women have mentioned this over the last year or so.  It’s not wishful thinking by any means.  I believe it’s a combination of weight loss from eating healthy, muscle mass decrease due to extremely low Testosterone, and the effect of thinning skin due to high levels of Estrogen.  My feet look completely different now in a much more feminine way.  My internal medicine endo told me last year after I brought it up that many of her MtF patients have seen this reduction in foot size.

 

Susan R?

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It's not dramatic by any means,  but yes I've lost about half a shoe size.  Of course that makes me a women's 13. Keeping in mind that I specifically started working out to keep from losing too much muscle mass and to keep myself from gaining too much weight from the HRT.

Then it was a certain amount of body pride because I wanted to look nice.

 

So yeah, half a shoe size. 

 

Hugs!

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This is a really fascinating thread. Thanks for starting it Taylor :) I would be interested in the mental and emotional changes with HRT, was it immediate or did it take a while for your body to adjust not having T anymore?

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1 hour ago, DeeDee said:

I would be interested in the mental and emotional changes with HRT, was it immediate or did it take a while for your body to adjust not having T anymore?

 

It took me a while to notice the emotional changes, because they were really subtle.  I suspect they probably happened in the first week or two, but it took me longer than that to be aware of them.

 

Right now, I have been off my E for a week, due to upcoming surgery.  What I noticed coming off it (because I was looking for it) is that my emotions have gone "flat" and "heavy".  Sorry, I can't describe it any better than that.  I feel none of the lightness and joy that I have felt for the last three years.  This is what I felt pre-transition.  I know in my head that I am in a better place now, but for the time being, I don't feel it.

 

I presume that the change starting E happened in about the same time frame as stopping it: about a week, maybe two.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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2 hours ago, Susan R said:

I believe it’s a combination of weight loss from eating healthy, muscle mass decrease due to extremely low Testosterone, and the effect of thinning skin due to high levels of Estrogen.  My feet look completely different now in a much more feminine way.  My internal medicine endo told me last year after I brought it up that many of her MtF patients have seen this reduction in foot size.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

It's not dramatic by any means,  but yes I've lost about half a shoe size.  Of course that makes me a women's 13. Keeping in mind that I specifically started working out to keep from losing too much muscle mass and to keep myself from gaining too much weight from the HRT.

Then it was a certain amount of body pride because I wanted to look nice.

 

So yeah, half a shoe size. 

 

It'll be hard to say until it happens, though if it has to do with weight loss and muscle mass, I'm not sure I'll lose all that much (I'm kind of a beanpole as it is). Though I will definitely keep in mind to exercise, more to prevent losing too much muscle mass.

 

1 hour ago, DeeDee said:

This is a really fascinating thread. Thanks for starting it Taylor :) I would be interested in the mental and emotional changes with HRT, was it immediate or did it take a while for your body to adjust not having T anymore?

 

I'm glad others find it interesting ^_^. Personally mental/emotional changes weren't immediate, sounds more or less the same for those who have shared so far. Though it does sound like it kicks in relatively early on (within the first month or so). The only possible experience I have with this so far is occasionally my eyes tear up a bit. It's far from crying. I don't really have any emotion (that I sense) attached to it, just a little wetness. Not even positive its related to HRT, but I don't recall it happening (at least not nearly this frequent) before.

 

I appreciate people contributing so much to this.

Thanks,

Taylor

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2 hours ago, MaryMary said:

I could talk a lot about it and it fascinate me but I feel that if you do that you often get a sceptical eye

This is very true.  There are changes that I don’t feel I can talk about because it is so subjective and unprovable.  Add the fact that everyone has a different experience to some degree and you have a recipe for doubt and possible ridicule from others.

 

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

[Without E] emotions have gone "flat" and "heavy".  Sorry, I can't describe it any better than that.  I feel none of the lightness and joy that I have felt for the last three years.

Actually Kathy, this “lightness and joy” is a very good description of my general feeling while being on E.  Although prior to E (and medical transition), I was somewhat depressed and had a deep rooted anger that was present under it all.  Also, for someone my age, I had a high pre-transition T level (835ng/dL).  So being down at 17ng/dL now, I’ve noticed very little desire to compete to the death (lol) with others and even with myself like I once did.  That has reduced my overall stress immensely and has allowed me to stay calm in situations that normally would’ve had me raging.

 

Emotions are closer now to the surface with the exception of anger (I’m happy about that).  Some emotions like are less controllable as some have mentioned.  These new feelings make it easier for me to empathize, apologize and forgive others much easier now.  I like the new emotional me and so does my wife.  It works well with my personality.

 

Susan R?

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2 hours ago, Susan R said:

Actually Kathy, this “lightness and joy” is a very good description of my general feeling while being on E.  Although prior to E (and medical transition), I was somewhat depressed and had a deep rooted anger that was present under it all.  Also, for someone my age, I had a high pre-transition T level (835ng/dL).  So being down at 17ng/dL now, I’ve noticed very little desire to compete to the death (lol) with others and even with myself like I once did.  That has reduced my overall stress immensely and has allowed me to stay calm in situations that normally would’ve had me raging.

 

Emotions are closer now to the surface with the exception of anger (I’m happy about that).  Some emotions like are less controllable as some have mentioned.  These new feelings make it easier for me to empathize, apologize and forgive others much easier now.  I like the new emotional me and so does my wife.  It works well with my personality.

 

Susan R?

 

Thanks so much, Susan, for your personal experiences on this topic.  It very closely matches (and validates for me) what I've experienced, too:  a feeling of lightness and joy, a significant reduction in anger and stress, and increased empathy.  All very good things!

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

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Good morning and what a good topic!

 

I began HRT just over 3 years ago. I wear Estradiol patches******mg w/ ****mg. Twice Weekly). As well, I've on a T Blocker for some time now.

 

My first recollection concerned how my heart reacted. On the first morning after filling the script, I applied a single **** patch and then went about drawing away at the computer. In very little time, my heart suddenly thought it was Ginger Baker and began the breakneck drum solo called 'Toad' from Cream's 'Wheels of Fire' album. I went into a sweaty panic over that! A number of medical people who seemed to have a less than positive views towards my gender aspiration had tormented me with tales of how HRT in a male bodied patient often leads to heart attacks. I do know one very opened minded nurse who, when I asked about this replied:

"So? Wouldn't you be willing to risk that to become the real you?"  

Obviously I survived quite nicely. 

 

I am in my 60's and was already becoming thin skinned from age; the estrogen has only enhanced that and now, if not careful, I'll peel like an onion. 

 

I don't recall when it began, but at some point I found myself waking up in the night and having to throw off the blankets and just lying there in a sweat and wondering what the heck. I'd read on line about the possibility of 'hot flashes' but thought that I might just be imagining things. I thought of Edith Bunker on 'All In The Family' going through the change and new that I wasn't as tragicomically daffy as she was. I have both sleep and emotional issues and was sure the problem came from there. 

Finally, at my therapist's one session, I suddenly felt flushed all over and asked if she'd turned up the heat? She looked at my strangely and simply said 'No'. However. She was staring at me as if though a microscope. 

(And btw: there are no thermostats in Providence exam cubes!)

I complained abut how hot it had all at once gotten and began unbuttoning my winter layers. My therapist's eyes smiled as her hand went up to cover her mouth. 

I glared back with watering eyes and in a cracking voice yelled: 

"This isn't funny!" (Expletive omitted.)

She removed her hand and with a laugh snapped back:

"Well, welcome!"

 

Chrysee

Edited by MaryEllen
Dosages removed per rule 13 of the community rules
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4 hours ago, Chrysalis said:

I don't recall when it began, but at some point I found myself waking up in the night and having to throw off the blankets and just lying there in a sweat and wondering what the heck. I'd read on line about the possibility of 'hot flashes' but thought that I might just be imagining things. I thought of Edith Bunker on 'All In The Family' going through the change and new that I wasn't as tragicomically daffy as she was. I have both sleep and emotional issues and was sure the problem came from there. 

Finally, at my therapist's one session, I suddenly felt flushed all over and asked if she'd turned up the heat? She looked at my strangely and simply said 'No'. However. She was staring at me as if though a microscope. 

(And btw: there are no thermostats in Providence exam cubes!)

I complained abut how hot it had all at once gotten and began unbuttoning my winter layers. My therapist's eyes smiled as her hand went up to cover her mouth. 

I glared back with watering eyes and in a cracking voice yelled: 

"This isn't funny!" (Expletive omitted.)

She removed her hand and with a laugh snapped back:

"Well, welcome!"

 

I am SO tired of the hot flashes. They didn't start until I'd been off HRT for about two weeks preparing for my bottom surgery. They're mostly at night but I sweat through EVERYTHING. I've been back on my regular dose for a week or so now, but it can take up to two months for hormone levels to normalize so...

 

At least my sweat doesn't have the smell it did before I started transitioning. If I was living in a cloud of the musky stuff, I'd probably die. At least I'd shower and do the laundry more.

 

Hugs!

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  • 2 months later...
On 2/26/2020 at 11:18 AM, Astrid said:

Thanks so much, Susan, for your personal experiences on this topic.  It very closely matches (and validates for me) what I've experienced, too:  a feeling of lightness and joy, a significant reduction in anger and stress, and increased empathy.  All very good things!

 

This discussion is exactly one of the topics I was looking for coming to this site.  I am not on HRT yet and I am not in the right place based on my location, job and relationship right now, but I want to start when I can.

Besides looking forward to the physical changes you all described I was hoping HRT could make a positive impact on my day-to-day emotional state.  I am hoping that not only will HRT finally allow my hormones to fit how I feel mentally as a woman, but that it would transition my temperament to one that is as you describe it ... light and joyful.
I feel I am a good person with a good heart, but, specially over the last several years and after coming out to my wife I constantly have feelings of anxiety wash over me on a regular basis ... seemingly without any reason.  And, those feelings sometimes translate into a more "A"type behavior, specially at home.  I don't like that person.

Susan's comment about libido caught my interest also.  Do others have a decreased libido?  I've alwats struggled with a strong need for physical intimacy/sex that is not really fulfilled within my marriage. (my wife is the opposite, and its always been a problem for us).  I don't want to "lose" my libido but if it was also tempered down a bit I can see that as another plus.

Thank you all again!  Happy to hear from anybody else on these topics
Kay

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Sure. My libido went from "Now," to "Once or twice a week." That's freed up a tremendous amount of time and I'm not so freaking irritable. I've heard of women who haven't experienced a change though so your mileage may vary.

 

I'm not sure I'd describe the feeling on E as light. I'm certainly less irritable and experience a wider range of emotions. Your emotional landscape is very different from what you're used to. Feelings are more intense and colorful. I'm generally calmer. I feel more like a deep lake. Calm and serene, but with hidden depths. Down below the great beasts swim and may come to the surface if called.

It's definitely leveled me out though. I'm happier and not so quick to anger. I laugh and cry easier. Susan says I'm much easier to live with, which is a huge plus. There's a million other little things that come with the big things too. Most importantly, they help me feel comfortable in my own skin.

 

Hugs!

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48 minutes ago, KCraig said:

Do others have a decreased libido?

 

Yep.  

 

But given the benefits, and compared to my past filled with so much more stress and anger, I would never want to go back. I'm too busy loving my loved ones with a new perspective that I never had before to feel down about less physical lovemaking.

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Kay, My libido is definitely less than it was and frankly it's relieving. I have never felt so good every in my life, since I've started HRT.  Even with the frequent trips to the loo that the Spiro cause, there is no way I'm ever going back.  Still working through things with my wife, so the love life is impeded more by that than anything else.

 

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1 hour ago, KCraig said:

 

 Do others have a decreased libido? 


Mine has been on a decline since my wife hit menopause and we became less active.  HRT has increased that reduction.  My libido is pretty much zero these days.

 

And that’s okay.  Being okay with it is kind of what having reduced libido is all about.

 

Once my genitals have fully recovered from my surgery, I’ll probably do a little exploration and test-drive them, just to see what they will do.  But I am fine with not using them on a regular basis.

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On 2/25/2020 at 5:42 PM, KathyLauren said:

What I noticed coming off it (because I was looking for it) is that my emotions have gone "flat" and "heavy".  Sorry, I can't describe it any better than that.  I feel none of the lightness and joy that I have felt for the last three years.

 

I'm not on HRT, but I woke up this morning "feeling like a boy" and it feels something like that.  I felt so awful about it that I was going to start a topic, but this thread is close enough that my comment will be on-topic here.  I've said elsewhere that I've somehow aged out of my T and I've been feeling very different than before.

 

I think the change today is that I went running yesterday and it kicked up my natural T.  All of my life, I've noticed that effect of really heavy exercise, it increases natural hormones.  I feel it strongly the next day.   I always noticed an increase in irritability but now I notice the emotional "flatness" as Kathy said.

 

It's not that T doesn't make you feel good, but it's more like a "cup of coffee", rather than the "lightness and joy".

 

BTW, I'm feeling much better now.  :)

 

The best to all of you.

 

 

 

 

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Jackie, Astrid, Sarah, Kathy.. thank you so much for the added experience.  I feel like now I have so much more to look forward to.

16 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I’ll probably do a little exploration and test-drive them

That's funny, Kathy! ?

 

Have a great week everybody ... and wash your hands! ??

Kay

 

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      Well, HIPAA is basically useless for keeping government out of your medical stuff.  It doesn't seem to prevent employers from making workplace medical demands either.  About the only thing it seems to do is keep somebody's sister or spouse from having the tools necessary to help you when you're in trouble.  As usual, government made things worse and added unhelpful red tape.  I really doubt HIPAA will be any use in the area of trans rights either.    Honestly, I don't see anything good will come of this no matter how it goes.  If some state AG's win on this, it will cause issues for trans folks.  If the Feds win on this, it'll be a precedent to stomp on states' rights even more than has already been done.  And I'm not sure which way things go will make a difference when it comes to officials from one state trying to do nasty things to people who have left that state and gone elsewhere.    What a crap sandwich... and no matter which plate it gets served on, "We The People" get to eat it. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      At least you tried!  Something equivalent or better may come up, and the waiting could be worth it.  Just keep trying and you'll eventually get what you need and want.      For me, having somebody to love was the most important.  Everything else follows after that.  I waited a long time to find somebody...and she ended up leading me to more than I ever thought possible.    Actually, I'm feeling pretty good right now.  I have something work-like outside of my home responsibilities to do for the first time in about 18 months.  Nobody seems to mind the real me.  And this evening, my husband said something that just really made me feel special.  He was rubbing my back, shoulders, and chest while we talked, helping me relax.  He told me that he thought I was really cute in my girl form, but that he thinks my boy form might even be cuter.  And that he's proud of his "smart little Pocket Fox."    For me, the combination of those sweet words and the physical affection was exactly what I needed. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Hi!   That was probably hard to write and then read and say, did I really write that?  Been there.   I'm glad you call it a journey.  It is.  One step at a time, and sometimes two steps forward, one back.    Abby
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Violet! We glad you found us! No one here will judge you. Each of us is unique yet we all share some similarities. And many of us are in the relative early stages of self-discovery.   Take time to wander the sections of the forums. You’ll find lots of information and ideas.   Ask questions if you feel comfortable. You will find lots of people willing to share their experiences.   Is it possible for you to possibly work with a gender therapist? Many of us have found that to be extremely helpful in finding our identity and out true selves.   Just jump in. We don’t bite! We’ve all been in some version of where you are.
    • April Marie
      Literally. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Did great with the kids
    • Sally Stone
      That's me too, Mae.  I don't think it's me as much as it is the camera (that's my story anyway).  Cameras hate me.  I never met one that liked me.  I often wish I was photogenic; sadly, not so much.   However, you look terrific in that selfie! 
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