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MaryMary

Discovered something huge for me

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MaryMary

I discovered something tonight... what I had when I was a teenager actually has a name! After the word transgender I discovered at like 31, at 38 I discover this. I was laughing when reading the potential causes :

 

Emotional stress[12]

Resistance to pubertal changes[3]

 

lol... in other word... gender dysphoria 🤣

I'm happy to know this because I always struggled describing it and explaining when I had to.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puberphonia

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Charlize

I have never heard of that.  Interesting for sure.  Perhaps wiki should add another possible cause? 

I remember when my voice was going through change.  I hated that time.  I've only spoken to one voice "expert" and she notes that my voice fits well into the female spectrum for someone who spent years smoking.  That's me, unfortunately.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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MaryMary

I spent a lot of time learning to talk with a deep voice and a lot of time learning to "retalk" with a higher voice, lol :PThis puberphonia thing earned me a lot of abuse, lol

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ShawnaLeigh

As you say this it fits for me too.  However my parents shamed me into submission with doctors to a point I had to go deep uncover as a male or simply die.  I did the rest to myself by staying that way threw my young adulthood and even convincing myself to hate the feelings I had inside.  

The more I rad or talk to a therapist and doctors now the more I understand myself and what had happened to me.  What I did to myself and how unhealthy it all way.

I am so happy now to finally be on my journey towards balance and harmony within myself.

 

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Jackie C.

Yeah, the medical profession was... not great to some of us older gals. To be fair, my... guardians. I hate to call what I had a support structure. Seriously, raised by ocelots. Anyway, the people in my life weren't helpful either. The culture at the time was conform or be bullied into conforming. Not a lot of great memories.

 

I still had lots of feminine markers in my voice though. I had a potential girlfriend describe it as "very expressive" back in High School. It's funny the unconscious stuff you do that wasn't QUITE enough to get you "called out" because you weren't aware you were doing it and your bullies probably didn't notice. I guess that's an advantage to being bullied by guys. They're kind of thick.

 

To be fair my "undercover" act was kind of crap. I came off as effeminate regardless. Too many years of emulating females I admired I guess. I could talk a good game, but I could never really follow it up with "manly" actions. Oh well.

 

Hugs!

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MaryMary
44 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

To be fair my "undercover" act was kind of crap. I came off as effeminate regardless.

 

this is the funny thing for me. For real, my reputation is a mess. When I was young some people could ask me if I'm gay (coming off as effiminate) and other people telling me I'm a womanizer or something crazy like that. I think that my act was also really crap. If you add that voice problem on top of it... for most of my teenage years I was a mess and probably hard to follow so people were confuse on how to discriminate me, lolllll  I could look quite normal in some circomptances and then buy a really really feminine jewel and coming to school with a purse and my friend would look at me like : "do you realize that all of this are making you look quite gay" and I would have this attitude like : "no why?"...... and then, and then when I came out at 32 some of my best friends were saying "you are a normal straight guy, I would never have known". People are often creating mythology on me projecting what they want me to be on me.

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Jackie C.

OMG this. When I was dating my wife, my first actual likes-me-back girlfriend... at 20, I had a friend tell her, "Well, you know he's a Casanova, right?" I'm thinking, "Really? When did this happen?" You're probably right. Upon receiving unexpected signals, people just build their own mythology around you.

I went androgynous as a teen honestly. Jeans. T-Shirt... usually black... dressing complete. Hair varied wildly because I didn't really care to have it cut and taking me somewhere cut into my parent's time so... Kind of a pity. It was really pretty long, but my parents never let me grow it out. Kind of a lost opportunity now.

When I came out, my closest friends said, "Well, duh." The only people I surprised were my wife and apparently my mother. Susan accepts it. My egg donor... well, I'm living rent-free in her head right now. She apparently spouts random things like, "But he was so chivalrous." I think she's in denial.

 

Hugs!

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ShawnaLeigh

Oh I was indeed a Casanova in my early years.  High school jock and voted class flirt in my senior year.  Many girlfriends but no, zero, intimate encounters until I was 18.  However I had a rep for being "very very good".  LOL

I went with it.  Whatca gonna do right.

I over compensated on my male presentation and confidence back then but was always considered the "nice guy".  That hurt because all the girls seemed to like the bad boys which I could never do or be.

I went with Jock instead. 

I was also dumb as a box of rocks.  Didn't care about grades.  Just girls and sports. LOL

 

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MaryMary
52 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I went with Jock instead. 

I was also dumb as a box of rocks.  Didn't care about grades.  Just girls and sports. LOL

 

 

in the context of my life that something I'm actually thankfull for. I was so beside the track, not cool, not popular and just a mess that transition felt like an upgrade for me on all front. If you are a jock and popular and can have all the girls you want at all this stuff and transition it must be extra hard because you have a lot to lose.

how was it for you ? Did you felt like their was a lot to lose or you still felt like I did and felt like you had everything to gain?

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Juelie_Atlas

Me personally, I'm going through my transition because of how I feel inside. I don't feel like I'm loosing as much as I am gaining, but I know I have a lot I could loose should I take one step to far or too fast. I still have not found a therapist as of yet, but it will be the next step forward I take... 

 

I never was popular in school, never had any real friends and resorted to seclusion on video games and online, where I was always a female character. 

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michelle_kitten

I was so girly, I slapped people rather than hitting them with a fist.  I got into two fights in high school (if you could call them fights).  One I slapped a guy until the teachers showed up, and then darted.  I don't know how I got away with that, but the guy I was fighting got in trouble.  The second one was a football player that would grab 90 lb weakling me and try to dry h%$p me. I kicked him so hard in the ankle he couldn't play football for two weeks.  It was a Christian school, so of course I got into trouble, but when they found out why I kicked him he got into even more trouble.

 

Any time I would fight from Middle School on I cried during or after the fight.

 

I was not a Casanova by any stretch of the imagination.  I didn't even have my first girl friend until I was 19, and that didn't last long.

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ShawnaLeigh
4 hours ago, MaryMary said:

If you are a jock and popular and can have all the girls you want at all this stuff and transition it must be extra hard because you have a lot to lose.

how was it for you ? Did you felt like their was a lot to lose or you still felt like I did and felt like you had everything to gain?

Honestly my high school days were not all that bad and I was very popular and always the captain of every team I played on.  I'm not trying to brag so please don't think that of me.  I was a jock and was good to very good at every sport I played as I natural ability.  I was captain of the track, soccer, and Lacrosse teams, I played baseball and basketball as well.  I was extremely fast so track and soccer was something I excelled in and even was third place in the New England track meet in 1985 in Boston for hurdles.  Yes at 5'6"  LOL  I used this to my advantage of course. 

I knew nothing of LBGT or being transgender back then.  I knew what "gay" was but I was in a male body with desires for females so I did not consider myself gay at all so playing the male role was not hard.  I did not recognize until decades later I was MTF lesbian. 

I was also a big phonie too back then as I was not this manly jock who was tough and overly confident.  I just was not, but always played the role 24/7 like it was expected me to be this way.  I was the nice guy and sensitive which all the girls I knew responded to positively at first but tired of me because I was not the bad boy.  I had a huge rep of for being a "ladies man" though I felt alone all the time and always in an out of relationships.  Every one was crushing to lose though I could not show it was.  I was always afraid to show my feelings and to be found out that I was not "all that" after all.  I was not hiding my trangender-ness as I did not know that's what it was and I did not understand my feminine side and dismissed it regularly as something weird about me no one could know about.

In short it was a hard existence and very draining to maintain but the rewards of my near perfect act paid off well for me socially. 

Once I left high school I went right into the military  (USAF) which required a more detailed tough guy act.  But that's another story.

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MaryMary
1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

In short it was a hard existence and very draining to maintain but the rewards of my near perfect act paid off well for me socially. 

Once I left high school I went right into the military  (USAF) which required a more detailed tough guy act.  But that's another story.

 

wow, we took roads that are so different to us coming out and be ourselves. That's so interesting to me. Thanks a lot for sharing.

 

the jock who went in the USAF and the effiminate (insert pejorative word here) who studied in litterature and was part of a poetry club. lol that's so amazing :D

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ShawnaLeigh

Honestly I feel uncomfortable talking about high school and how I was.  I always feel like I am boosting.  I mean it was basically a very good male high school experience packed full of life!  
If I had known then what I know now about myself I wonder how different I would of been.  
My young adult hood wasn’t terrible until my marriage/divorce Massive child support years.  That’s tragic.  Lol

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MaryMary
1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Honestly I feel uncomfortable talking about high school and how I was.  I always feel like I am boosting.  I mean it was basically a very good male high school experience packed full of life!  
If I had known then what I know now about myself I wonder how different I would of been.  
My young adult hood wasn’t terrible until my marriage/divorce Massive child support years.  That’s tragic.  Lol

 

It's ok. I don't mean to intrude. To me the important thing is that you are happy with it. If it was great it's a good thing, I wouldn't wish anything else. I'm very proud and happy with my teenage years without denying that it was hard. I often say jokingly IRL that this past has prepared me to be openly trans and happy in this life because basically all the hardship of transition seems like an improvement in my context :D lollll. It's great since I'm happy right now and to me the present is what's most important. 

 

That's part of the fascination... it's that even if our past is so very different we can both concider them ideal and be proud of them I think.

This contrast is a great teacher for me to remind me that we can trust life. (I often forget that)

 

again, I'm sorry if I did anything to make you uncomfortable or if I intruded. ;)

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Belle

That is very interesting @MaryMary, thank you for sharing!

 

I was always a smart, musical nice guy. I was picked on in elementary school. I loathed middle school where the T was causing every AMAB to fight for dominance. I had a ton of female friends and a few male friends who were nice guys and/or nerds. I was pretty good at sports but didn't pursue it. I had very few girlfriends and those I did have were on the butch side (personality) because they were the only ones who were forward enough to get me close.

 

I was always terrified that I might be acting feminine in some way, whether it be how I walked, talked, used my hands, demeanor, etc. I didn't want girls to not like me. And plenty had rejected me because of that very thing.

 

My wife just didn't know any better. She was too innocent and had no father to judge me against. Neither of us realized what I was.

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ShawnaLeigh
11 hours ago, MaryMary said:

again, I'm sorry if I did anything to make you uncomfortable or if I intruded. ;)

You certain did not do anything to me or made me feel uncomfortable whatsoever.  I chose to tell you (and everyone) all on my own.  

I am proud of the young man I was trying to be and I was successful at it.  But I am not one to boost or brag and that is the only thing that makes me feel odd as what I tell people of my past does come off that way   To me anyways.

Like I mentioned.  My life between high school and now is a very different story and most of it was horrible.  I made so many mistakes that hurt so many families I was a part of.  I have asked forgiveness from everyone and had received it and I eventually had forgiven myself but it still all happened and I try to just move on from it all.

Being myself now is truly what I needed and work hard to achieve.

But the struggle is real.  

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