Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Wife of a newly out CD seeks help


Recommended Posts

Hi, I’m Ursula. I need help, I don’t know how to go about supporting my partner with his exploration into his feminine side and also maintain my own mental health. 
I am a cis Bi woman, with a slight preference to men, most of the time. My husband, about a week ago came out to me as gender fluid and wanted to experiment with their femininity, I was excitedly supportive. I thought we would do the whole thing together, start small and build up. 
I have always tried to be a good ally and I know that the package does not make the person, however when my partner shaved the next day I felt a bit sad. They then started ordering more and more things to try, and two days in it was already a bit dizzying. 
I suffer what I suspect is PDD during my periods, which essentially means one week a month I am fragile, depressed and often fighting suicidal thoughts. My partner is aware of this but theirs coming out unfortunately timed with my cycle. 
After three or four days of dressing up every time my parter thought our small children or visitors couldn’t see, I broke down and told them that I was finding it hard. I explained it was moving too fast and I needed time to settle into the whole thing and get my head around it, my partner seemed to understand. A couple of hours later they’d put on some tucking underwear and left it openly in the bathroom. I again last night explained that that upset me because he’s said he would slow down and give me time to think and then just immediately did that. we discussed how I wanted to be supportive and I want to come along on the journey but they need to slow down and let me get into it with them, that I want to be part of this but it’s getting too much for me. They seemed to understand but then while doing dinner they asked if we should dress up tonight. 
I have been feeling grief all week, I miss my husband and I needed his so much but no matter where I look there’s this other person and no matter what I say they’re just not listening. I can’t talk to anyone and I feel so alone. The depression is so bad I’ve been falling asleep as soon as the kids are in bed and I have no energy during the day. 
It has been a week and I’m starting to feel angry every time they bring it up. 
I am constantly crying whenever I’m left with my thoughts.
I want to be there and be supportive but how can I? 

Link to post
  • Admin
VickySGV

Very first thing is for you to contact a therapist who deals with Gender issues, and with grief recovery!  It would be a good idea for your husband as well, but  she/he is not asking me.  If you do it as couples therapy, the therapist will help BOTH of you to set boundaries which can be anything.  I mention grief therapy because grief and other changes folllow a set pattern in our lives.  One of the first steps there is the anger and emotionality you are talking about and with guidance from a therapist you can learn how to move beyond that level, although the other levels can be real mind blowers as well.. The other thing to do is to look up an organization such as Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) which has support groups for spouses of Trans people that are free and fun. 

 

Your husband does need to get it in view that he/she has known this for a long time and for you it is new and scary.

Link to post

Thank you VickySGV x I’ll look into PFLAG now and talk to my partner tomorrow about therapy. 

Link to post
  • Admin
VickySGV

Glad to be able to give ideas.  Even if you partner says no on the therapy, do look for it for YOU!  I just spent the day with a roomfull of therapists who want to work with Trans and Family and they are great.

 

Link to post

He’s got himself an apt with a therapist. I don’t know when we could see someone but rn I’m the only person who knows. I have no one I can talk to, I can’t tell anyone why I’m always crying and I hate myself for not being able to be excited with him but I resent this. I resent it so much and I hate myself for that too. 

Link to post
KathyLauren

Ursula, you need someone to talk to, too.  We can listen and offer suggestions, but you need someone in real life.  Talking to your own therapist will help you to de-stress from this. 

 

It is not just the trans person that transitions.  Everyone around them, especially their spouse, has to transition too.  And you need support for that process.

 

Regards,

Kathy

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

Ursula i know i drove my poor wife nuts once i got started.  I had been hiding for so long that being open with her meant so much to me.  Fortunately i understood that it was bugging her so i started to slow down a bit and she also found her footing.  The idea of therapy can help both of you.  My therapist was great in that she helped with spouses as well.  

If it helps any i transitioned fully8 years ago and we're doing great.  This year will be our 49th anniversary.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Hi @Ursula!

 

My sister-in-law has a co-worker who recently decided that he (he identifies as male) wants to be in his female persona full-time instead of keeping it confined to business trips. She's having a rough time of it, but naturally she won't talk to me because I'm... actually, I have no idea why she won't talk to me. I'm delightful.

 

Anyway, when I first came out of the closet, my wife said that there were certain things she wasn't ready to see. We worked out a system where she'd call on the way home and I'd turn back into Clark Kent before she pulled in the driveway. The only real contention we had at that point was my more delicate things line-drying in the basement. That was mostly because they're delicate and I can't dry them in the dryer. We worked through it.

So while I'm not a fan of ultimatums, you really need to sit your partner down and set some ground rules. Communication is an important part of a healthy marriage. You need to make sure they understand that their behavior hurts you and then... and this part is key... work together to come up with a schedule you can both live with. Then maybe offer to help with makeup. Goddess knows I would love some personal attention to teach me about makeup.

 

I understand how important this can be for him. However, there are more people than just him in this relationship. Your feelings matter too and you're willing to help and support him as he expresses his feminine side. On the other hand, he still has guy brain. You might need to hit him over the head with a brick to get him to understand that he's hurting you. Somethings guys are thick like that and they just don't get it. You need to explain it to him in simple terms. Not that you want him to stop, just that you want him to slow down a little so you can both enjoy the ride.

 

Best of luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

Link to post

Thank you all for taking the time to respond? I cannot put into words how much it has helped. 
Jackie, I think you’re right About the brick (which actually made me lol). We did talk again today and he thought Me “needing time to take it in and catch up because I wanted to be there with him” meant he should drag me along to catch up rather than him pump the breaks while I come to terms. I think we’re in the same chapter now if not on the same page. 
he did take the kids out today which gave me a few hours to sort through some feelings, like why this is such a big deal. It’s just clothes. I honestly think if it were any other member of my family, I would be 100% just excited for them and coping but it’s my husband. Although I am attracted to women, I didn’t want a wife. I will probably be fine in a week or so, but in the meantime it’s so helpful to know there’s a community of people here who understand. Thank you xx 

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Ahh! So very happy for you! May you be as happy together as my wife and I.

 

Hugs!

Link to post

I'm glad you have found some support and advice here Ursula, that you have taken the time to come in the first place is amazing. It will take you a while to readjust the internal label you had for your husband. At this stage it is not to do with your sexuality, but everything to do with the dissonance between the feminine them that has come bursting out the closet and the masculine identity they have been showing you since you met. It does not mean that you are not supportive, just giving them a mental update. Hopefully they will take your feelings on board too and reign in the enthusiasm a little until you are both in a place to enjoy the discoveries together... ?

Link to post
Sally Stone

Ursula,

I feel the need to offer assistance, but all of the ladies that have already commented, have pretty much said what's really important.  This just means they are a great bunch and can help you with your struggles - you've come to the right place.  So, for now, please know you have my heartfelt support.  The fact that you've reached out here, shows your open-mindedness, which is going to help you and your spouse immensely.  It is so wonderful that you are trying to understand your husband's gender identity despite how difficult it can be.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

Link to post

Thank you all again. Honestly is such a comfort knowing theres people who understand. 

I have a few questions, if anyone has any advice? 


My partner has spoken to the Gp and is being referred to a gender clinic, which can apparently take two years?!!! Is there anyone they can speak to in the meantime? They have been under tremendous stress the last few years and have suffered grief and worry this is a response to that. If so coming out would jeopardise other family relationships and put our primary school age children in danger of bullying for potentially no reason. That said, if it is permanent we need to start taking steps to deal with that. They went to the gp full femme (and we’re pretty pleased with themselves when an older fella gave her a wink... lol). 
It’s so hard to know what to do and doing nothing seems just as harmful. 
mum in the UK btw, not sure if I ever said. 

Link to post
  • 5 months later...

I understand. My spouse just made the step to take T, and I was surprised by it. There were quite a few parts in his journey/thought process/decision that I wasn’t included in, and it caught me unaware. If I had been included, I feel that it would have been smoother for me. Or at least I could have been eased into it and gotten used to the idea of it before it actually happened. What I’m relating to with you is that it’s hard to be in a different place in the process than a spouse. It feels like my spouse is speeding along full speed ahead, but really I just didn’t know all the background work that he did to get him to this place. Now I feel behind in my process and like I have to catch up. 

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

I agree completely. It's why I always try to encourage people in a relationship to communicate. Successful relationships have compromises. Not doing things alone is kind of the whole point in being in a relationship, right?

 

Hugs! 

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   12 Members, 0 Anonymous, 83 Guests (See full list)

    • Billy
    • QuestioningAmber
    • Cyndee
    • VickySGV
    • Jandi
    • sparky
    • Alexx21
    • Shay
    • ElizabethStar
    • Heather Nicole
    • Niamh
    • DeeDee
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      72,288
    • Total Posts
      660,873
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,569
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Danusia
    Newest Member
    Danusia
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      Shame is a tough one to crack since it is actually fear of what others would think or how we may injure them.  Other people will say you hurt them, but then be unable to say how you did it if pressed for an answer.  In reality the "hurt" was more in your imagination of the hurt to them.  Females dressing in more masculine attire really are no big deal except in isolated areas where "propriety" passions run high, and clothing is considered uniforms.  Ease your way into your masculine presentation with a new hair cut (no beards or mustaches yet), and easing in more male mannerisms over time simply make the behaviors YOURS to own in comfort.  Don't do it all at once will help. 
    • Jandi
      Yeah, this is pretty much what I did.  It was scary at first, but I lived through it.  Now it's just routine. I think the shame aspect was my internalized transphobia - which is a real thing.
    • Shay
      MISPRINT above - I now see the light   I looked in the mirror and I didn't like the person I saw - but now - thank goodness - I am seeing the light and the light is helping me see the real me.................................
    • Heather Nicole
      For me, it doesn't seem quite as strong as it appears to be for you, and I'd be terrified of the nausea, morning sickness, labor pains, etc. But I definitely do feel much the same way about it as you (and also for nursing, too), and I know there others here who do as well. Doesn't help that a much younger co-worker of mine is pregnant and my sister just had her second arrival this year.
    • Shay
      Good Choice @QuestioningAmber one I found today that speaks to me is an old song I never thought of as trans ....   I looked in the mirror and didn't like who I saw but not I see the light   Patto-Jones-Wright I looked into the mirror and it poisoned my mind twice It left me both time crippled And it tossed my fate like dice I looked into the mirror and the devil smiled both times My flesh was sold with no feelings With no reason or rhyme The smile on my face gave way to my feeling But only time was there to tell Somewhere in space my thoughts are still reeling The miror looked through hell And damned me where I fell You mistreated the boxer You held his spirit down (Yes she did, yes she did, yes she did, yes she did) You colored his reflection 'Cause you didn't like his sound But now my head is clearing And I'm startin' to see the light (see the light, see the light, see the light, see the light) Now I'm lookin' to the mirror And I don't know if it's day or night The smile on my face gave way to my feeling But only time was there to tell Somewhere in space my thoughts are still reeling The miror looked through hell And damned me where I fell See the light, see the light, see the light, see the light...
    • Jandi
      I was always so jealous of my ex when I watched her nursing. Welcome, Danusia
    • Heather Nicole
      I groggily misread "awkward" as "award".   "Awkward" makes a lot more sense!  
    • VickySGV
      She is actually higher here than president, the RED QUEEN is more like it.  (Bows low!!)   Imaginations and passions are running higher this year than any I can remember, and the internet and isolation has given rise to false information False Events Appearing Real (FEAR).  The same events carefully communicated by one person will be wholly acceptable to many more people than just an "inner circle" of policy and direction, but the same entire set of actions communicated poorly and only to "trusted disciples" from a different person will be condemned.  This will be my only post in this topic. It was a good topic though, and with the staff we have will be kept in social bounds.
    • QuestioningAmber
      So I recently decided to watch Frozen 2, and a few songs spoke to me to anybody going through a transformation. One in particular speaks to me today: Show Yourself.  
    • Danusia
      I know what it means to be confused about not being able to get pregnant, this is my problem. Sometimes I dream that I'm carrying one child in my belly and the other, already born, I'm nursing, feeding, etc. And we are "waiting for daddy's return to home after work". Sometimes I dream that I'm in the skin of my friend who already has two children, and the third is on the way. I dream that I am her and I give birth at home, a supportive husband is by my side and the midwife instructs me how to breathe and push the baby. For me, making a joke of it all is a pretty good strategy for dealing with unrealistic desires, but I understand that it might be indigestible to someone else. About the environment - I know the current US president is anti-transgender, it is rather similar in my country, but there is no full consequence here.    
    • Jackie C.
      Personally, I just gritted my teeth, pulled on my big-girl panties and went for it. The fear of exposure and shame went away after a few public outings where nobody so much as raised an eyebrow in my direction. I was pretty indifferent to my male persona's appearance. I simply did not care. Not so with appearing as a woman. I color-coordinate my gym outfits. Nobody cares about my gym outfits, but I still put together a coordinated look to go sweat in. It's like night and day.   The point being that going out as yourself is kind of a rite of passage. There's always some fear in the beginning. I have a friend who likened us to vampires because we only come out at night and shy away from bright lights. With practice though, comes confidence. Take the plunge!   Hugs!
    • MiloR
      Hi everyone ! Ok, so... I think I have a question, which might be quite simple, but the anwser to it may not be so. How to deal with feelings of shame regarding gender ? It's just something that I struggle with a lot, and even if I tell myself that I musn't be ashamed to think I'm probably a guy, knowing it and feeling it really are different stories. And I think my shame is blocking me from acknowledging what I feel most comfortable with in being and in the way I want to present. Because for example I feel sad when I dress as a woman, but so embarrassed when I dress as a man because some part of me tells me it's inappropriate or even dangerous... And so, experimenting and presenting myself as who I want to be gets cloaked by my fears and some kind of stupid conviction that it's somehow "bad" and that I'm not normal... So if you had any advice for me to feel a bit better about myself (also to have a clearer idea of who I am without constantly judging if what I do is good/bad), or tell me how you managed to let go of that specific fear of not being normal or anything, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm aware shame must be a common feeling, but you know, if you had any tricks... I think I could see better who I am rather than who I'm taught to be.
    • Shay
      @Jackie C. Better awkward poking then finding problem.
    • Shay
      Just kidding words of wisdom Cyndee
    • Jackie C.
      You are most welcome. We live to serve.   You have to be careful with some of those jokes. I know plenty of transwomen who get torn up by the fact they can't get pregnant and plenty more that have been conditioned to think that's there's something wrong with them. I live in the US. The environment for us here... could be better. 😜   Again, welcome to Transpulse. I look forward to getting to know you better.   Hugs!
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...