Still working on the balancing act

[secondlook]

We hit a span of about two weeks where my wife was handling my desire to transition really well. Not that there were no tears, but our understanding of what's happening was increasing, and she said directly that she wants to stay with me as we work through this. That was huge and it means the world to me that she made that decision in the span of a month after me coming out to her.

 

Then, the night before last, I wanted to have a conversation about me possibly starting HRT. I'm not totally sure what I said wrong, exactly, but I definitely said something very wrong (this is a recurring problem with me in all walks of life). She was not prepared to have that conversation and wound up saying a lot of things that were hard for me to hear. At one point, wanting her to clarify something, I asked her if she was saying that I wanted to transition more than I wanted to stay with her. She said yes, that's how she feels.

 

That was gut-wrenching to hear. I felt like I was being forced to choose between her and my true self. I told her that if transitioning was more important than her, I would already be on HRT and wearing feminine clothing full-time. Which naturally led her to say that I was accusing her of holding me back. I replied that I was holding myself back, with great difficulty, for the sake of our marriage and to try to find a balance between my need to move forward and her perfectly understandable fear of moving forward.

 

Then yesterday she did some reading on transgender issues, and afterward she actually thanked ME for not leaving HER after my gender realization, which astonished me. Apparently she read an article somewhere about spouses who were abandoned after their partner came out, and I guess it was the first time she realized that it wasn't automatic that I would want to stay with her. Of course from my perspective I never gave a moment's thought to leaving.

 

So, a work in progress, two steps forward, one step backward. I just need to figure out how and when I can broach the HRT topic again -- and do it better next time!

[Jackie C.]

Would it be possible to broach the topic during a joint session with your gender therapist? They might be able to explain better than you can why HRT is the right path forward for you. Also, your wife needs to understand that HRT isn't a magic wand. As much as we might wish it were otherwise, it's not going to turn us into the woman of our dreams overnight.

 

Thinking about it, I can kind of see where a trans person might abandon their partner if it was a "beard" situation. Otherwise, I'm completely with you. Leaving my wife never occurred to me. Even if she won't call me "Young and pretty" when I ask.

 

If you have "foot in mouth" disease, I'd still recommend talking with your therapist either before you talk to your wife or taking during a session. This is kind of a catch-22, I think you'll find yourself a better communicator after you've been on HRT a while but until you can broach the subject, you're stuck with guy-brain and women don't really get a man's complex language of burps and farts. If your therapist is in the room to act as a mediator, they might be better able to help you say what you actually mean and smooth things over with your wife.

 

Two steps forward and one step back is still progress! You've got this!

 

Hugs!

[secondlook]

33 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Would it be possible to broach the topic during a joint session with your gender therapist?

 

That is a really good idea. We're set to meet a therapist later this week (I was advised that my own therapist should not also act as a couples therapist), and if that goes well, maybe a following session would be a good place to bring it up. I like it!

 

34 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

your wife needs to understand that HRT isn't a magic wand.

 

Yeah, I did try to touch on this, but I think she was too upset to hear it. I think she sees it as a "point of no return" moment, like once I take the first dose, her husband disappears in a puff of smoke, and some woman she doesn't know takes his place.

 

38 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

I think you'll find yourself a better communicator after you've been on HRT

 

I sure hope so! It's something I spend a lot of thought and energy on, trying to be sensitive and imagine how my words will be received, and yet I seem to constantly fail at the task. Although, most of my female relatives are not particularly sensitive or good at considering others' feelings, so maybe I'm just doomed to be a clod regardless of which hormones I have running through my system.