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Pallas

Hello everyone!


I don't know how long this post will be as I start writing this. I want to make sure I get everything important down to create the best whole story of it all, so please bear with me.

I'll be writing this as chronilogically as possible.

To also further clarify: I am physically a female.

When I was very, very young I remember only having one friend (female) for a few years. Gender or sexuality did not matter to me at this time, it wasn't a concept for me then (obviously?).
However, I remember when I was about 3 or 4 years old after some sort of gymnastics (I cannot remember the specifics), I tried to pee like a guy. This clearly did not work. I don't recall being scolded or anything, perhaps they thought it was an accident or something. No idea.

A few select years later (I was now about 6 years old) and I had moved several times to another country (and other schools). The real first school I recall I made quite a few friends who were boys. Real typical boys; liked to play outside doing roleplaying of small, silly 'war games' like sword fighting and stuff, playing video games, etc. I also could relate more to them than most girls. In fact, I only had a small select few female friends (and I lost contact with my first female friend due to me having moved several times). Overall the most friends were boys and we met very frequently besides school times. 
It always seemed harder for me to connect to girls or women. 
So as I was growing up in this period I wanted to be seen as 'one of the guys', but still not necessarily thinking I should change myself physically or anything like that. At this point, gender/sexuality still hadn't really developed for me. I started to know about it, but I didn't care much for it.
I am who I am, regardless of gender or sexuality.
 

Couple of years later, going through puberty, I disliked becoming more physically developed as a female. Luckily I don't have 'huge' breasts, but I suppose medium-sized? Still, It's annoying to have them. I have to have a bra, otherwise walking around with them or running (like I loved to do) or even doing martial arts (which I used to do) could actually physically hurt me. I disliked it so much I almost hated it, but not quite.
I also got periods, and this was always (and is sometimes) combined with severe bleeding and intense pain. It is severe for about 2 to 3 days, and in taotal can last about a week. It completely knocks me out, which means I cannot properly function for nearly a quarter of every month. This is crazy to me.
I got on the pill to regulate it, so it was actually a prescription, which helped a lot for me in my situation (financially). 
Sidenote: Nowadays I do not take it anymore because it has now become slightly regulated naturally (so I do not need it anymore in that regard) and I would have to pay for it now too due to changes in the law.

In this time period I really wanted to be male. I don't think I ever had (intense) gender dysphoria, but I knew I wanted to become a guy and preferredto not be a woman.


Still being a teenager/going through puberty and early adulthood, I did not really actively think about it anynore. I recall having spoken about it to my mum at the time, and there was even a reasonably famous 'local' trans man (I hope this is the correct term for a FtM?) who transitioned at around this time, which he did very late in his life. He had written a book about it, which my mum even bought for me (so she is supportive at least in that topic, I have that going for me, which is nice!).

I started reading this guy's book and it did strike a chord. Yet I did not continue reading it (and have lost the book since then too :( ), probably due to being way too busy with my school/study to even get to it. Which I now think was a mistake. I should have finished that book straight away.

After all that I have just mentioned, I thus entered adulthood having developed my sexuality; I am a pansexual, preference for males, although I have never been in a relationship with females. t did come close twice, though. One even told me she would have loved to date me, as she liked me too, but couldn't at the time. So by the end of the day, I simply really don't know if I'm a pansexual either, and while I have preferences, I so far have focused on if someone's personality wowuld match rather than how they physically look like. Having been in a relationship with a possible MtF (they were still figuring it out themselves, as it turned out), this is why I also think I am pansexual, because I would have stayed with them and loved them even if they would go through with transitioning.
 
Yet my gender has always kind of changed. I suppose I would classify as genderfluid, but leaning to male? 
So for a long time I felt that my female body is fine, even though I prefer it to be male. If anything, I could always change it. There have been other things that held me back from really thinking of transitioning. Now some of it may be silly, but please bear with me here also:
1) If I do go with full transition, which I would prefer to do then, I don't know what effects the surgery have on me, as when I was a kid I actually had local anesthesia and it took a toll on me for many years (being rather tired and exhausted for a long time).  
2) And, pertaining to 1, what kind of bottom-half surgeries are there? I've understood there are different ones. I suppose also each one has pros and cons? I just don't know what they are, and a helpful list would surely help me. I am not sure how to go online for this stuff either, and I don't know what my country or area does, if they don't do one or the other. 
Will this cause me pain for the rest of my life if I do it? I don't know.
3) Now I don't plan on having (biological) kids, especially not as a female. Yet as a male, for some reason, my mind thinks I do want kids then, biologically speaking. Yet if I would fully transition, I know I would not be a fertile male, which is a bit of a depressing thought to me.
This is also something that confuses me; I don't like being a female, let alone a fertile female, but I like the idea of being a fertile male  x_x
4) If I transition fully, will my male genitalia be fully functional? Like an actual biological male's one, just not fertile?

I guess I am willing to compromise, though. If it is possible to do a full transition, without me having pain after the surgery/surgeries, and the genitalia is 'functional', then I think I would actually heavily consider it.
As I'm writing this, I am actually getting happier and happier with the idea of the potential of  becoming a physical male.

At the same time: I don't know if I like having lower-half male genitalia. I think I would, but then I also want to keep it flat-ish, like it is now basically.
Everything flat; male chest, and female bottom part.
And thus the confusion sets in once again.

 


Even more recently:
I have gone to a convention, where actually quite a large number of people have various sexualities and genders, this is a rather open topic at such a convention as I went to. Some going through transition, others not, and then I also met an androgynous person aand their friends, and we all have been staying in contact since. We all had quite a fun time together.

Before I continue, speaking of androgynous; I don't think I really look androgynous, yet having spoken with a friend of mine I have known a few years now (we met online and since then met up at such a convention a few times) said I look androgynous, and I look like a very attractive one at that. So while this is nice to hear, I also don't know what to do with it.
I suppose I could be an androgynous male if I do transition?
Would that work for someone like me, though?

 

Aaaand then I think back to about 10 years ago, when I was in my final year of middle (or high?) school. I was sitting in a tram going home, and this guy sat next to me. We started talking and (again, I can't remember the specifics) somehow we got to that he thought I was a guy.
It made me estatic. I even told him that it made me happy to hear that, and he was very open-minded about it. He said I could pass for a guy or a girl, he just assumed I was a guy, to which I said that was fine and I preferred that.

Also, being on other forums and gaming online, people always assumed I was a guy and would be surprised to find out I was female. I would ask why they would think I was a guy, and they would say because of how I would write. Apparently.


To continue:
So before this convention I have been to recently, I had put aside my thoughts on my gender. Thinking I was just fine as I was (even though if I would be in a relationship and my partner would kind of 'force' me to be female, I would heaviy dislike that, and I also experienced this as a veyr young kid with my biological father who wanted me to wear make-up., which I did not like). 
I often told others, should the topic or question come up: "I am genderfluid, I don't care what pronouns you use; he, she or even it, whatever you prefer. I don't care." 
I would prefer to dress as a male. I notice boys/guys often wear a long sleeved t-shirt underneath a short-sleeved t-shirt, so this is what I would often do as casual clothing. Yet whenever I can, I will try to dress up in suit, with it without the jacket. I just really like wearing a blouse+vest and long trousers. I love vests! Especially grey on top of black, or brown on top of sand-like colours.

Example:

44f6cbdee01e8d835f67604e3195a4c6.jpg
 

And at this convention I decided to actually bring along a suit and various other more male-ish attire. It kind of suited the theme, so I was happy I could wear my favourite clothes again for a reason this time. I wore it and it felt so nice. 
And then I met a gay guy. There was this odd click. i never felt it before in my life. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible and talk with him as much as I could. We also hugged when we said goodbye at the end of the convention and it was the best hug I ever have had in my life. 

There I was again. Back home. Alone with my thoughts. (Still living with my mother, however, but she works now.)
I have stayed in contact with various people I met at this conventions, such as this gay guy. I was thinking: What if so many years ago I had decided to figure out if I am transgender? What if I had transitioned by now already into a male? Would he have liked me? He said he likes me already as a person. 
He also likes female 'proportions' such as hips (which is what I have but hide it usually with the clothing I wear), so if he liked someone with those proportions and they would be a guy, then all the better.
I asked what about trans men,, as they would be or become male? He said he never explored that option. So that's not a no
This made me think even more 'what if I had already transitioned?'. 
I'm not saying anything would have happened, but if I would come across a gay guy (who's fine with a trans man), then I would have a better chance getting with someone like that than as I am physically now.

I mentioned this to a different friend, and he asked me: "Would this person like/love you for who you are, or for what you are?"
And I feel this is a bit messed up for me. I mean, I don't know. For someone who is gay, I get they want to be with a boyfriend and aren't interested in having a girlfriend. And this gay guy does like me, but I can understand if my female physical body would stop him from being with me, relationshipwise. So I don't blame him for that.

To sum the last bit up: I would not change physically because of someone. It is just that he (without him knowing) made me question heavily my gender once again. I just want to finally figure out what I am and if I need to start transitioning.

I have also quite a few MtF friends who I spoke to, who are all very supportive and understanding, but I have only one FtM friend, the latter which I feel might be more helpful for someone in my situation as they are going exactly through something I am considering? They are almost done with their full transition and our thoughts have been so far extremely similar.
I have also been looking into binders and while I got some good suggestions, I have no idea where or HOW to start. 

Plus, all this while I am in the long process of moving out (my place needs loads of fixing up to do ^^; ). This comes now with its own issues:
1) It is taking ages to fix my place up due to me and my mum trying to do as much as possible ourselves. She's not the youngest anymore (her own words!) and I have my chronic pain and chronic exhaustion often kicking in. However, I hope to move out this year some time fully, so that can give me more space!
2) The area I moved to is slightly smaller than where I am living right now. I currently live in a big city. No one here would really care. Yet where I am moving to... It's smaller and I already know 'people talk'. While so far they have all been nice and helpful, and not judgemental at all... I am a bit worried now if I do transition, what the town's response would be... 


 

I suppose I should go to my GP and get a referral to a psychologist (or psychiatrist?), but I don't know if this is going to cost me or if it falls under insurance. Especially, considering, I do not do self-harm or have any other mental disorders which would need to heavily be addressed. So this might be considered more of a 'luxury' issue than a 'health' issue, if you know what I mean?
 


If anyone has any suggestions or advice, I'd like to hear them.
Thank you for your time and reading this long post :) 

 

With kind regards.
 

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ShawnaLeigh

Holy mother you can write!  LOL

Your story sounds familiar and your concerns are those I have read here before.  Point is you found a wonderful forum to find your answers and ask as may questions as you like  However long the post is.  LOL

There is no judgements here only love support and acceptance.  

 

As to your last point I do not know what insurance you have or where you live but my insurance covers all sorts of therapy's to include gender therapy as it is considered a mental health issue.

 

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Pallas

@ShawnaLeigh 
SORRY! xD
I figured it was best to write down everything. I know it's a lot to read, but thank you so much for reading and respond to it! 

I suppose I could just go to my GP and ask anyways if it is covered. I just really don't like going to her. She never makes me feel like she has time for me, is always late for my appointments, and then rushes me out when it's time for her next patient...
I guess that is also what is holding me back somewhat to figuring this all out. 

I can actually provide an update!
A MtF friend of mine who lives in the same country actually said referral is free to a gender identity clinic and such!
This makes me a bit more optimisic.

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ShawnaLeigh

Oh honey it is perfectly fine to write as much or little as you wish.  There are some of us that read every word.

 

You can always expect someone to respond too and most likely many someone's as this place truly cares and wants to help or at least support you.

 

33 minutes ago, Pallas said:

I suppose I could just go to my GP and ask anyways if it is covered. I just really don't like going to her. She never makes me feel like she has time for me, is always late for my appointments, and then rushes me out when it's time for her next patient...
I guess that is also what is holding me back somewhat to figuring this all out. 

This would be a show stopper for me.  I will not pay someone who has no time for me nor any real concern for my issues.  That's what they are freakin' there for!  Id search for another as soon as you could.  

As for insurance. 

Call the insurance company and ask for a trans friend associate or advocate, or if that makes yu uncomfortable search your particular insurance web site as they should have an outline of coverages.  It can be daunting weeding threw it all but I guarantee its in there someplace.  I was surprised at how much mine will cover and equally disappointed that they do not cover electrolysis. LOL

I hate facial and body hair...  Ggggrrrr

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Pallas

Thanks so much @ShawnaLeigh  ^_^


Well, luckily going to a GP is covered by basic health insurance. (I think that is not the case in the US?)
Plus it is hard to switch anyways, because there is less and less GP's and doctors overall for people out there. It is even starting to get very bad that some people don't even have a GP.
As I'm moving, I intend to switch regardless of GP, in my case I should at least keep one until I'm switched over. So even if it's not a great GP, at least I have one. She's fine for writing out referrals, I suppose! 

I shall definitely look into all those things you mentioned, just in in case! Thanks so much :) You're so kind and helpful.

Ah, shame about the electrolysis! Did that throw you off a lot? (If I may ask)

Haha, I would actually like to be able to get facial hair. Body hair... well, I dislike that too, to be fair xD
That's another thing: As a female, I think my body produces way too much body hair anyways. I have chest hair that just won't stay away! Now I wouldn't have minded this if I was flat-chested and it was more hair. BUT since that's not the case... It's just a pain.

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ShawnaLeigh
57 minutes ago, Pallas said:

Ah, shame about the electrolysis! Did that throw you off a lot? (If I may ask)

This is actually my only dysphoric issue.  I have to much hair in some places and not enough on top. Body hair can be maintained and covered up but the face is my billboard to looking either male or female.  A beard or even beard hairs clean shaven can throw me way out of wack.  Thank god for makeup.  I just need to learn it now.  Lol

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Pallas

Ah yes, I understand. That is so true.
 

36 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Thank god for makeup.  I just need to learn it now.  Lol

 

Sorry, I wish I could help you there ^^; 

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Pallas

To add to this post:

I have been going over it a lot in my head lately, more and more whether I am transgender or not. I will still sort out going to a gender therapist, to start off with. 
 

Speaking with a FtM friend, I got more knowledge about the actual physical procedures. Some things kind of scare me a bit, like the 'drains' with top surgery, if you know what I'm talking about?
I'm hyper sensitive (which sucks). I can't really stand pain at all. My friend said their partner (also FtM) was lucky and did not really experience much pain or leakage afterwards, whereas my friend did.
The fact that when I have had two surgeries in the past, well... with local anesthesia, and those weren't the best experiences... It shakes me a bit.
I mean, if it turns out I am transgender, I would probably just do the surgery or surgeries, but... I guess I don't like the idea. I wish there was something just like magic. *poof*  you're a guy now (or a girl for those going the other way).

(Skip this paragraph if you're a bit squirmish.)
My first one and best example: I had an accident with one of my fingers. The doctor thought I might lose it completely. During the surgery I said I still was in a lot of pain (after receiving the anesthesia) and felt them being busy with it. The doctor didn't believe me, went to my mum and told her.
My mum, knowing I wouldn't lie (I am a good child! :angel:  haha), told him: Well, that's possible. Her father has it too. He needs to get a larger dose than 'normal' people.


Other thoughts I've been having:

1) What am I then if I just would want top half surgery?
Would there be anyone who would want to be with me intimately, considering I have two halves of each? I mean, I know they're out there, but isn't it that much harder?

2) I have preference for physical guys, but so far the guys I have been together with in a relationship have all been rather stereotypical in how they act. I don't know how else to word it.
Even the one who might have been a MtF transgender. Not communicating with me, not sharing their feelings/emotions, do not take initiative, don't show any romantic side or do anything romantic, and so on. 
How to even find people who are 'naturally' like gentlemen and keep to this even when not trying to impress someone? They must be out there.

3) if I would only do top half surgery, what then about gay people (males)? Because generally they like the whole body to be physically male of their partner. So I'd be stuck there too.

4) How to even meet anyone really, no matter my gender. I don't mind their gender, so how to meet people who are perhaps similar minded in that way?
Especially considering my situation. I don't like to go to bars/parties/etc. I don't drink alcohol.
When i do meet people they often don't stay in touch with me, and if we do it seems often one-sided where I have to initiate conversation and keep it going. (This goes for any kind of 'relationship'; acquiantances, friends, etc.)
I think maybe if I go to a gym and work out regularly, something I think I might like to get into, maybe I can meet someone there?
It doesn't have to be. I don't need someone. If it happens, it happens, you know?
But then if I go to the gym as I am, they can see I'm a female. I quite like the idea of going to the gym with a male body. 
Then... knowing myself, would I even go to the gym? I don't know anyone I can go with. I used to do sports, and while I really enjoyed it, I didn't enjoy the trip going-to it. Even if it was literally down the street or opposite of where I lived. 
Also I like the idea of having a somewhat (not too much!) muscular torso, but as a female that seems to be hard to accomplish due to whatever biological reason. 

So I'm still a bit stuck.
Maybe I should print all of this out for the therapist later to read, hah.

Sorry again for the long read, have a nice day!
 

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Pallas

UPDATE TIME!
 

I have been away/offline for... quite a couple of months? Now for a few days I have been checking in regularly again. It feels good. If I ever need good vibes with rational-thinking people, I just have to check in here. It's really relaxed and calm, even those who struggle, it's all... normal for me. By that I mean it seems like people are treating each other with respect, helping, staying calm. That sort of thing. I have difficulty expressing exactly what I mean, although I hope what I'm trying to convey is well received.


A lot of things have happened to me mentally. Good and bad. Mostly good. I'll go over it the best that I can without hopefully making an essay 😅

 

 

I've been playing more and more with the idea if I would be a guy physically. (I wish I could talk to a gender therapist online for now that's covered by my insurance, but I don't know how or where to turn to on that aspect.)
A trans friend of mine (MtF) who I've been talking to quite a bit lately is supportive of me and has been giving me male pronouns to see how I feel about that.
I also have been trying to decide on a name (Jason). My current real name / birth name is pretty gender neutral I think, but I also don't know if I want to keep going by that name if I do find out I'm transgender. I don't dislike my birth name, in fact I even came up with an online persona and name to hint at my real name. 
That's a thing. I create characters: draw and give them names. I can come up with random names or well thought-up names and they fit. When it comes to me personally when creating an online persona? Also not an issue.
However as soon as it is supposed to function as an actual real name? I suddenly get uneasy about it. Perhaps it's just change. Sometimes I like change, sometimes not. Perhaps this is one of those.

Maybe it also is due to the fact I don't look physically male. I should try dress up as a male again, somehow hide my long hair while doing so, look in the mirror and re-evaluate now that I have a name to go with it.

 

Or am I adrogynous?
No idea yet.

 

However in any case, I do feel a bit more confident that... top-half.... I don't want it. It hurts, it's in the way, I feel most of the time it looks awkward. I've had this most of the time. 


But then am I confident about it? Suddenly no confidence!  (This is how my thought process has been for the last couple of weeks in particular.)
And how so?
Because I don't necessarily dislike how I look when I see myself in the mirror. I can pull off both female or male look (or both/neither at the same time). Yet if I pull of a male look, I'd have to use clothing that hides my shape more, which honestly I'm more confortable with, haha.
However, if I do get an actual flat chest, then I would perhaps need a female binder (is that what that is also called?) to create a somewhat curvy top-half again.

 

Maybe I'm wording this all poorly, It is around 02:30 (AM) right now while I'm writing this sentence, so I apologise for that.

 

 

Something else, not directly related to what I just mentioned, but as an artist (I have my own art business, but I definitely do not consider myself to be a "pro" yet) I do know people like my artwork, however I feel I have stagnated. My art style and speed has halted, perhaps even moved backwards.
It's slightly infuriating, giving me a hopeless feeling. I haven't had that before. I only got this feeling a few days or so ago. Maybe a few weeks.

Maybe it's connnected to me not having figured out what/who I am yet exactly. I wish I could, but I'm still stuck for a bit longer. 


I saw recently a freelance job listing for concept artist.
I know I can do that, but... my artwork doesn't have a presentable concept art-feel to it. I can make some art to make it more concept-presentable, but I don't feel it will be soon enough for the job listing. I've been trying to come up with ideas tonight to do so, and I can't. I'm stuck.
I think about artists I persoally have been in contact with (some are friends as well) who have accomplished so much, when they're the same age as I am or even younger. And what have I done?
I always need to put in more time and more effort than "regular people", that hasn't bothered me, What bothers me now is that... I seem to not be progressing at all.
I don't want or need to be at their level, I can never be. We have different art styles. What I want is to be more... To be faster and have developed my art style more. I feel I have more potential, which is a great and terrible feeling at the same time.
How do I unlock it? No idea. 
I have tried practising different techniques, practising poses and such in general, etc. etc. 
Who knows.
It's not that I'm upset or depressed in any shape or form. It just is, and it's a bit frustrating, mostly because art is the only thing I know I can do. To have that stagnate as much as it's been doing now... I don't know.
I know I'll get past it, but when is the question.

 


Back to the name to finish this post off. I want to explain why I chose Jason, and while I do feel weird about it all (as mentioned above) I am happy with the name. 
It sounds guy-ish, but not necessarily over-masculine. At least to me.
It also comes forth from a special place in my past. 
Jason & The Argonauts (1963 with Todd Armstrong). One of the first movies I ever remember getting. It's on videotape, and I still have it! (A helper-teacher even made a dvd copy for me so I could continue to watch it without a VHS player 😄)
I like to rewatch that movie. A lot. The story is great, the acting, the effects for its time. I like it all!
I also have an affinity for Greek mythology and ancient Greek culture/history in particular (which may have come from me having watched that movie). So having the name Jason, which is derived from the classic Greek hero called Jason, and from my favoutite movies of all time... It just clicked for me, because it refers to more than just one thing for me.

 

That's all. Sorry for the long post, but thanks for reading if you did!

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      Hi Tess, Welcome. This place is amazing. I've only been here a few weeks myself. Everyone here has been so nice and helpful.   💖~Liz~
    • DeeDee
      Hi Lotte, pleased to meet you.  The correct label at the moment is probably the "questioning" one.  Admitting that you dress up for more than just excitement can be a bit of an eye opener and take a while to adjust to, it certainly did for me  - I did not start to question my gender until I turned 40 then I was hit by a tsunami of feelings that I have tried to be honest as I explore them, and I still yoyo sometimes, I never saw myself as anything other than male - its what the world called me and what they saw, so it was how I triewd to act - I always struggled with feelings of not being good enough as a guy though, it seemed to take me more work to find some lads to fit in with.. I am starting to understand that these feelings are probably dysphoria, I believe Vicky has called translated in the past as "Terrible Burden". Which feels right.  Essentially there is no right or wrong way to be trans. From what I've seen the transgender term is used to cover everyone from full transitioners and non binary or gender conforming to ocassional crossdressing, accepting that you are somewhere under that umbrella can take time, then you may want to experiment to find out where you are most comfortable before you start to give yourself a label. You do not have to transition just because you have accepted that you are transgender, but the statistics are not good for those who ignore it and do not find their comfortable place...
    • KayC
      Hi @Charlotte Sparkle I had the exact same problem when creating my profile .. what AM I?  After changing my profile marker a couple of times I settled on Transfeminine (after some research) because that's the way I felt the most. Be even at that, I don't like labels.  Also, I am just starting therapy which I think (hope) will help me understand where I'm at and where I'm going.   Those things are more important to me than the actual label. Wish you all the best❣️
    • KayC
      Hi Tess! and Welcome! From reading your About Me page I see we have some commonality in our experiences and issues with our spouses.   You're not alone, so I hope you can find great experiences and advice on these Forum pages.  I have found them extremely helpful just over a few months.  Deep breaths .. One step at a time❣️
    • Tori M
      I enjoy reading, so when I was beginning transition I bought several books written by transgender women.  Reading their life stories gave me a lot to reflect on and insight into the journey ahead.  Then I would write in my own journals.  That kept my mind busy, helped me find myself and discover the real me.
    • KayC
      Hi Charlotte! and Welcome!   Really happy to have you here.    Looking forward to hearing more from you❣️
    • KayC
      That was such an important Supreme Court ruling.  Hope the DoD listens and acts!  
    • KayC
      For me, this is the hardest part too.  That my dysphoria involves somebody else ... somebody I love and I don't want to lose and that I feel responsible for her unhappiness about this.  Its a double whammy of stress and anxiety on top of what is already there. Aggam, I think if we both stay anchored in the 3 main points you listed, we have a good chance to navigate our way through this.  That's my hope anyway .. for you and me, both❣️
    • KayC
      Congratulations, Mia❣️  
    • KayC
      That's great, Tessa!  Sounds like a Mission Statement.  Hugs❣️
    • KayC
      Thank you, Cyndee!!   and Congratulations @ShawnaLeigh  That's awesome!  
    • Shay
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