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Confused and hurting


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Delusional, deviant, pervert, sinful, and godly those are all things my wife has told me that I am. Every conversation that we have always begins with the same accusation that I am a liar and a cheat and That I should have never married a woman or divorced her at an early point in our marriage or carried this burden to my grave and never revealed it. At that point things usually escalate to an emotional deep down that can sometimes go for hours. I have given her books and all the information that I can find to help her to Come to some understanding about what gender dysphoria is but she says that they only tell her tits support me and pat me on the head and that there’s nothing there for her that no one writes books for the spouses are those who are Trans. At the same time she tells me she loves me although she doesn’t know why and says she wants to work this out. The emotional beat downs come frequently Which in light of her statement that she loves me and wants to work this out confuses me to no end.

I wanted understood that my wife basically is a good woman and we’ve had going on 47 years a fairly good marriage Although the last two years have been hard ones. She does have anxiety issues and does not trust doctors of any kind or for that matter the medical profession in general This of course makes things more difficult for her and I both.

We have made some progress as she is not trying to get me to stop the HRT And tolerates my underdressing at least within the confines of the house. She is adamant though that any surgeries are out of the question because they are dangerous, a waste of money And are part of my delusion.

 

She has spoke to her pastor who is Assembly of God and has told him about my being transgender in order to find out if she was welcome to say in the church that was her stated reason. His response was that’s hard very hard and that I have apparently bought into the cultural norm and she would have all of the support that she needed. I hasten to add that this is not out to the general church as it would be something thatShe fears she of course fears this being known at all so insist that I tell no one. She is also concerned that one of my doctors will slip up and tell it to somebody and it will get out. We live in a small town of about 15,000 and she is terrified that someone will find out and bring harm to her our pets our property and possibly to me yes I can understand that given some peoples transfer Opia this could be a possibility so I practice a good level of discretion and my mannerisms and my dress.

 

I have been seeing a therapist but quite honestly he’s Not been much help. I am in need of guidance I can’t ask my wife said put the genie back in the bottle but at the same time I feel trapped. What I have stated here just not begin to express the turmoil and the increased dysphoria.

 

Please help me I’m not sure how long I am going to be able to deal with this.

 

Willa

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Willa , i wish i had a magic wand and could make this all go away for you.  I say that because i went through similar difficulties as i was moving towards myself.  My wife also had anger and fears.   Like you, she used many accusations and nasty threats to try to get me to be what i had done my best to be, a manly man.  In time things worked out but the journey was difficult.  Try to take a deep breath and don't beat yourself up.  We do our best and in understanding her fears and showing compassion as well as a steadfastness your path will hopefully open in time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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It breaks my heart to read your post, Willa. The only advice I can give is to try to find a better therapist. I've seen about 10 over the years, and only two were any good at all. But it's worth the effort to find a good one, it makes all the difference in the world. And if your wife is worried about you sharing your truth around town, maybe it's best to find a therapist in a different, nearby town or city.

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Thank you for your kind reply, I will continue to watch this thread for today and tonight when I have the time and privacy I will reply more EarthLink.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers throughout the day.

Willa

 

if there are typos in this I apologize I am doing this through dictation on my iPhone which is not the most accurate way to do it so please bear with me.

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Oh goodness. Speech to text can be great, but it makes some... interesting... decisions sometimes.

 

First off, my heart absolutely bleeds for you. Nobody should have to endure that kind of abuse. You especially shouldn't have to endure abuse from your partner of 47 years. Someone you've been intimate with for 47 years knows exactly how to hurt you. Part of being a good partner is choosing not to fight dirty when you disagree.

As for "no books for spouses" I found a bunch in a five second internet search. That's a red flag to me. I found what she was looking for. It was incredibly easy. That tells me she's not especially interested. I'm also taken aback by, "They all tell me to support my spouse." Of course they do. That's what happens in a healthy relationship. You support each other.

Now I'm going to give your wife the benefit of the doubt here. She probably feels betrayed and confused. She doesn't understand what's happening and she's lashing out. While that's not a healthy response, it's a human one. She wants to hold onto the facade you built around yourself. She loves the facade. She's used to the facade. She wants the facade, even if it's hollow.

There's the big problem. You need to move forward. I completely understand that. You hide under the persona you built for yourself until it gets so heavy it feels like it's crushing you and you have to get out from underneath. She keeps trying to push you back to keep you from escaping. I can't say how it is for you, but if I'd been unable to express myself authentically, I probably would have found a way to end my life before too much longer. It just would have taken a few hours alone and an opportunity. At one point I was going day by day just because I didn't want to abandon my cat. To be fair, my cat is exceptional. When you're that depressed you hold on to whatever you can.

 

I can't say I'm happy with the idea of seeking solace in the church. I'm told there are a lot of good churches out there. I have personally never encountered one. The problem being that they're made of people and people can be terrible. Especially when they think they're above everyone else because of their religion. The window you've given me into your wife's church is... not encouraging.

The "terrified someone will find out" is another big red flag for me. That says less about her concern for your mental health as it does for her perceived social status. To me, that's a strong mismatch in priorities. The people you love always come first. Always.

 

If your therapist isn't helping, you need a new therapist. Have you considered finding a gender therapist (assuming your current therapist isn't)? They deal with the sort of issues you're struggling with and might be more able to help. I know breaking in a new therapist is a huge pain but if the one you've got isn't helping, why are you seeing them?

 

Finally, I'm sure your wife does want everything to work out. Unfortunately, it sounds like for her, "Working out" means "I get everything I want." That's probably not going to work for you. If this has been going on for two years... well my new friend, I am in awe of the majesty of your intestinal fortitude. There is no possible way I could live like that for even half as long.

 

Hugs!

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Willa, my situation is very similar to yours. Every time the topic comes up I'm told "I love you but I won't agree with sin." Personally I have resolved the Scriptural issues without letting go of inerrancy, though she just stonewalls me when I bring it up. I have had so much abuse heaped on me in the name of "speaking the truth in love." I am not sure my marriage will make it through this and it hurts to my core. I never even considered that a possibility before now.

 

All I can say is keep pressing on. Make sure you have a good gender therapist (others have addressed this above), but also try to get involved in a nearby trans community if possible. It is uncomfortable at first but you need a support system to lean on.

 

Belle ❤

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Willa,

 

My heart hurts for you. I experienced the same painful words from my family as a I had to leave my hometown and start over. I couldn't imagine in your situation what you feel.

 

Keep moving forward and live your true, authentic life.

 

Kylie

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hello everyone I hope this finds everyone doing well.

Well I just got my wife off to work, she is a night auditor at a local motel and so works the graveyard shift. It has been a quiet day And a pleasant one given the March weather here in the northern Midwest. I went out today and had my haircut which is one of the pleasurable things that I do my hair is blonde, fine, and is just below my shoulder blades.

 

 

in the interest of clarity I need to take a moment and explain I thing or two.

First of all, I did not mean to get the impression that my therapist was not doing his job rather the blame lies more with me as to the efficacy of our sessions. I would like to move on two more gender related things with him but it seems that each time I go something new has happened and we spend the entire session discussing that particular turn of events. He is a good man and has been a great support to me as I’ve struggled with all of this.

The other thing that I feel I must touch upon his the fact that I have been legally blind since 2008 and totally blind since 2015. I make my way around by my beautiful guide dog, the long white cane, and the local transit system which goes door to door. To go out of town I have to be sure to set up a ride for one day in the week Tuesday’s going east, and Wednesdays going west. The blindness is the end result of my mother having had rubella also known as German measles when she was carrying me. I am grateful that for most of my life I have had good vision and enjoyed seeing many wonderful things, but I miss those things now. My guide dog which is a golden retriever is a for putting bit of sunshine in my life.

 

 

now that that’s been done allow me to share more about my wife and die.

my wife and I are both Christians and were raised as conservative Baptist. I was involved with the Southern Baptist convention and my wife was raised in the independent Baptist denomination. when we were married we as a couple attended southern Baptist churches. For 35 years I served as both music director and pastor of for rural churches. I was about as conservative as they came and I regret to say that I spoke the harsh words that one hears in unaffirming churches I will not excuse this and I ask God to forgive my uninformed actions. This of course I did and knowing all along who I was I thought by burying my feelings, my knowledge of myself and focusing on my service I could overcome the need that was in my heart and soul. I also believed that focusing on my marriage and my dear wife these things could be held at bay. Four years it did seem that they were. In the 1990s things begin to change and due to the actions Are they an individual in the denomination and the failure of a mission where I was pastor I found myself for the first time in many years without a position. I have become disillusioned with the unloving attitude that seemed to pervade Baptist thought who staunchly remained unaffirming and unwilling to move to a more loving position. For this and other reasons I left the denomination and my wife and I Join the Presbyterian USA church. I will not go into the events of the intervening years safe to say that when I began to lose my sight some very well-meaning but Scripturally on educated individuals in the church ask my wife what’s in the head I committed that God would strike me blind. She was of course deeply hurt and after a period of time drifted away from attending church and for sometime after that she did not attend anywhere. I remained with the church as I found it to be very healing to my wounded heart and I knew that the majority of the people were good hearted people and loving people. After some time had passed my wife began to attend at the Local assembly of God Church and found a home there. I have never been comfortable there so I attended at the Presbyterian Church and she attended at the assembly. This is actually worked quite well for us that is it did until I came out to her fully last summer.

 

Most churches are good churches, most churches are good hearted and loving churches but they are in perfect. I heard someone say once upon a time that if there were a perfect church it would cease to be so as soon as someone walked in the door. LOL! Being older and I hope wiser I have come to know that God loves diversity and of course he loves us so he is crafted us and nature in diverse ways And of course it is a beautiful mosaic.

 

With that background I hope you can see where my wife is coming from and where I come from. I love her most dearly and would have despaired her the deep hurt that my truth has caused her if I could have. I have heard people say that God does not make mistakes and I do not believe by any stretch of the imagination that my being transgender was a mistake. The Psalmist said in Psalm 139 that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that he knew me and let me together in my mothers womb and I praise him for that. Of course my wife does not agree And thinks that I am being willfully sinful. At the assembly of God church recognizes that there are transgender people but states that they should not change or transition in anyway but treated as a thorn in the flesh that should be overcome. I hasten to adhere the thing or not at heart cruel people but just simply people who misunderstand and as I once did act out of that misunderstanding to the hurt of others. Though their stance does hurt and does raise my anger as this has driven a wedge into our marriage I will not and cannot hold it against them. They are human as I am And I have stood for they now stand and God loves us both.

 

I feel I must end this before I have written a book I trust what I have said has not been too personal Or that I have caused her to someone here on the form. I will just add here that my wife is generally a kind hearted woman but she is a woman who has been deeply hurt and feels betrayed and this I can understand. What I have trouble with is the conflict between her statement of love and her actions. She has stated that she wants to make this work but it may take a year or possibly two before she can come to terms with it. In all truthfulness I’m not sure I have that kind of strength, and that is why I have come here to share this with you my siblings.

 

 

in closing I will share with you one of my favorite philosophies from Star Trek yes I’m a treky or a tracker however you want to put it, I was there when the original series 1st aired. The philosophy I speak of is the Vulcan I.D.I.C. Meaning infinite diversity in infinite combination!

I pray that one day humanity will embrace all of gods diversity and see the wonderful combinations that it creates

 

 

thank you for your patience and your open hearts!

 

Willa

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While I can not really add any more advice that the kinds folks did above I can express my feeling towards you and how I too feel very sad for the treatment you have received from a person you love the most.  It is a terrible thing to shoulder and hard enough on its own that something like this is a stressor on your marriage, but you add dealing with being trans within yourself to that equation and it is almost inconceivable the amount of stress and anxiety you must have.  I have been there, less the religious themes, and it was a very hard thing to get though.

I was raised catholic so I have some knowledge of the religion but I have moved away from it for my own reasons and I will not disrespect anyone who does believe and/or follow it strictly.

 

However, it is one theme I have noticed from couples that are dealing with a transition that are both very religious.  It seems that the religion has brainwashed them into stating and truly believing that being transgender or LGBTQ+ is sinful, disgusting, wrong and to be shamed and ostracized at all costs. 

(Disclaimer: I do not intend that sentence or the word "brainwashed" to be a negative label at all.  Its just a deep level of teaching that is very ingrained is all I meant.)

 

I have a serious problem with any religion that preaches this in one hand and saying God is perfect and love and forgiving and does not make mistakes on the other hand.

It is hypocritical in my opinion.

Especially when these words "of God" are used to intentionally hurt you.  Another thing I cant see God being ok with.  

I do believe "to each there own" and everyone does have a right to there feelings, beliefs, etc.  but not at the cost of another. 

 

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Hello everyone!

 

Well, the last few days have been a bit of a strain we have not had one of our”discussions” but I can feel the tension building and no sooner or later there will be one. Sometimes I feel like I’d like to find a hole crawl in and pull it in after me, It would be nice to be able to hide from all of this, but I know that’s not possible.

 

In church today I could barely control my emotions, it was really hard to keep from just breaking down and crying And people noticed. I just received a call from my pastor expressing concern for me and my wife he of course does not know all that’s going on. We have talked about her family and her job situation neither one of which are good And of course that adds to the pressure. I struggle with the guilt of having Placed this burden on her, it’s no wonder she lashes out at me.

Bell, I wish I could show the restraint that you expressed so beautifully in your post concerning your own struggles. My prayers are with you and I hope for good outcome.

 

I want to thank each and everyone of you For your kind and thoughtful responses it’s nice to know that there are those who understand.

 

Well I will close this out now before I write another wall of text it helps to be able to express some of the sadness and pain that  Theo. I do so much appreciate your listening to all of this and the comments that you make. Charlize, thank you for your invaluable insight I hope like you I will one day see this work out peaceably and for the good of all.

 

Take care!

Willa

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Hi everyone!

I just received an invitation from my pastor to have coffee with him sometime this week something that happens occasionally but it’s been a little while since the last time so I am looking forward to it. 
 

I have been contemplating today about coming out to him. I’m feeling a real urge to do this but I am uncertain about his reaction. My church is the yes a United Presbyterian Church which is affiliated with the Presbyterian Church USA. The Presbyterian Church USA some years ago voted to be in affirming church toward the LBGTQ community. My church did investigate the reasons that were given in our general assembly and excepted them but things have been quiet cents meaning there is not a lot of talk in the church about LGBTQ matters. So I am not really sure just how open the church is I have never heard anyone in the church speak against the community though.

I am also mindful of my wife’s demand that I tell no one. My emotions are in a tangle right now and as I have express they can be difficult to control. This usually takes the form of crying which was what was happening Sunday and if it happened once it’s probable it will happen again. It was noticeable enough that apparently it was talked about at the church luncheon which I did not attend and I suspect that was the reason why my pastor called me Sunday evening. I’m seriously wondering if they are not picking up on The changes that are happening to me.

 

So what do you think do I take this chance and talk to my pastor or pass it by?
if I tell him I am taking the chance that I may be asked to leave my church and then the extreme it may actually get out into the local community. On the other thing hand things may go well and there would be someone besides my medical team and my wife and her non-affirming pastor.

I know the crying fits are hormonally and stress driven and they are not easily controlled. In short I’m a bit of a mess right now.

 

Please give me your advice so that I can make a same judgment in this and not make matters worse.

 

Thank you and take care!

Willa

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Hello Willa, 

 

I think it may be good to speak with your pastor since they have initiated contact.  As you say this church is affirming, what have you got to lose?  If your wife finds you've had this conversation despite not wanting you to speak to others, you can reply that she also spoke with her pastor.  

 

I wish you all my best.

Jani

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Your wife has put you in a difficult position.

 

It is likely that the invitation is in response to what happened last week.  You pastor may guess wrong, or he may guess right.  If he guesses wrong, do you want to allow the error to stand?  I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.  If he guesses right, do you want to lie and refute him?  I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either.  On the other hand, telling him the truth will put you in an awkward position with your wife.

 

Unless your congregation has taken a decision to go against the national body, I would think it unlikely that they would kick you out.  They would at least have to discuss the matter.  Which would admittedly be awkward and uncomfortable for you in the meantime.

 

sorry I can’t give you advice on how to proceed.

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Jani and Kathy thank you for your thoughts you’ve giving me much to consider.

The urgency I feel about this It’s surprising to me I don’t know why it’s there, yet the fear of doing something that will make matters worse it’s almost palatable. Does that make sense?

I hope others will chime in on this I need all the advice that I can get!


Kathy Lauren I’m not sure that I have seen you before in the forms but I’m very pleased to meet you!

Jani thank you for replying and sharing your insight it’s good to hear from you.

 

Take care everyone!

Willa

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Willa,

 

Would it be an option to have your wife attend with you when you meet with your pastor? This is very much about the two of you, not just about you.

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

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Willa, 

 

Matthew 22:36-40 presents us with the two most important things God wants us to do.  The first is to love Him with all our being, and the second is to love our neighbor as ourselves.  That second instruction isn't a very good instruction if we don't love ourselves.  Of course I am not talking about narcissistic love, but the same love we find in I Corinthians 13.  "Love is patient.  Love is kind, ... etc."  My point in bringing this up is to say you have to do somethings for yourself.  I think you need to seek spiritual guidance from at least a peer, if not a person who is in leadership.  I don't think it fair for your wife to seek such guidance from her pastor, and deny you the same consideration.  If you didn't need that guidance or at least to reveal your heart, I don't think you would be as conflicted about whether to come out to your pastor or not.  I think you need an ally and maybe one that does not have skin in the game, so to speak in regards to your marriage (ie. someone who won't take sides).  I have had many friends over the years who were my spiritual sounding boards, and I theirs.  There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I do think you need to be forthright about the way you proceed.  I think, if you decide to come out to your pastor, you should tell your wife you are going to do so in advance.  I don't think seeking her permission is the way to go here, but rather to lay out your need and your intentions to her without negotiation, although you may start with coming out to your pastor inside his/her confidence to go no further than the pastor's ears for now.  Of course,  you know the individuals involved far better than I, and can judge better than I.

 

What I do know is bottling this all up inside is going to lead to a state of mind where you really are delusional (that of feeling worthless and self-loathing), or worse lose all regard for the immediate Earthly consequences to express who you are, with painful repercussions.  Bottling up dysphoria does not work, and pretending it doesn't exist is a recipe for a host of mental and physical health issues.  Believe me, I tried to beat it for 49 years.  You aren't going to win that battle, and being asked to do so is not productive, as is remaining willfully ignorant.

 

Your are no good to others unless some basic needs are met.  Even Jesus displayed this when he ran off into the wilderness for a time after the death of John the Baptist.  He needed a break, and it enabled Him to give to others again. (A precursor, I might add to the only miracle recorded in all four Gospels --- feeding of the 5,000.)  I would like to suggest you are of less value to helping your wife through this challenge if you don't have an ally who won't judge you, and to whom you can speak freely.  Further, there is nothing selfish, divisive, nor contentious about having that for yourself.  In other words, having an ally is not a work of the flesh.

 

One of the things that bugs me most about my fellow believers is the tendency to trust the Spirit in themselves, but not to trust it in anyone else.  We know that accusations come from the Accuser, and not from God.  We know, like the man lowered through the roof, our sins are forgiven regardless of whether they are ours or those of our parents.  There is therefore no grounds for accusation of being lost to darkness. There only remains justification and freedom.  If you believe in salvation by Grace, then what change is there in that salvation for being dysphoric or not?  Or, what change is there in that salvation for being trans or not?   Is there anything that can separate you from God?  I think not.  I know how hard it is to weather the suggestions that you've given yourself over to sin, or are insane, or are... whatever.  Dear, we're all a little insane just for living on this planet, but also redeemed, rejuvenated, and free.

 

Not that I would suggest you're wife is doing the job of the Enemy, but rather she is operating from fear and confusion, and possibly from a challenge to her faith she is finding hard to endure.  We are never given more than we can handle.  Trust the Spirit in her as you do yourself and keep your eyes on the end.  I think in the end this will turn out in ways you do not expect, and much for the better. 

 

Further, you might count it a blessing.  I've had a lot of atheist and agnostic friends over the years who challenged my faith.  As a consequence I've been forced to go deeper and seek understanding I might not have otherwise, and for this reason I am certainly thankful for my friends and the challenges they have presented.  I am shaped as much by my friends who challenged my faith as I am from any pulpit.  How much of a blessing you might be in the future to others having your dysphoria challenged, and having had to work through it.  I think maybe there is design in all this, and the design includes deep compassion, which has already started in you, for transgender people, born of having lived and survived the struggles yourself.  Struggles breed character, and character leads to hope, and hope is never disappointed.

 

I want you to take encouragement from what I am writing here.  You are no less a part of the body, even if the eyes say you are less necessary.  You are every bit as necessary as any other, and maybe because others regard you as unseemly you will have honor bestowed upon you.  I think you've needed to be reminded of that fact.  You still have a place in the edification of this body, and being dysphoric or trans or whatever has no bearing on that.  It is a turn of the page and nothing more, as God includes us in what He is doing, just as He has in the past.

 

God bless you, Willa.

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I'd say that your pastor is allowed within the circle of "tell no one." He's supposed to be confidential about the problems of his flock and be there to listen without judgement (because only God gets to judge). If you think your pastor is up to the task, and you think it will help your peace of mind, go for it.

If you don't think your pastor can manage, I'd suggest a therapist. They also exist within the circle of "no one" because they're not allowed to discuss clients. You obviously need to talk to someone face to face for your own peace of mind. The trick becomes finding someone who will keep it to themselves thank you very much.

 

Good luck!

 

Hugs!

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I am going to be a rough old baddy on this: 

 

On 3/8/2020 at 4:22 PM, Willa said:

I struggle with the guilt of having Placed this burden on her, it’s no wonder she lashes out at me.

 

First of all, get rid of the guilt, it is not yours to accept or to own, so get rid of it like it was a junk automobile making your front yard ugly and the neighbors mad.  The promise to "tell no one" that she made you give, is for her sake only and is selfish and self serving ONLY to her.  To you it is a CRUEL burden, not to her, and in time can make you suicidal.  We are as sick as our secrets that keep us from being our true and real selves.  This is a rule of life for those of us recovering from addiction, and even for people in general.  It was a terrible promise for both of you and shows there was much less love and and much less of the true spirit of the Marriage Covenant in your lives.  It is NONE of your wife's business that you talk to this minister, none at all, and if the pastor is legitimate and true to his sacred office, he will not let a bit of it out to others, although it may be out in ways you do not realize at the minute since you have behaved in ways not fully typical for most males.  You may actually have some compassionate and supportive people just waiting to welcome and get to know Willa for the wonderful person she is. I suspect there will be some overdue grief counseling for the marriage you dreamed of having as well as your need to make your True Self the one who lives your spiritual life as Willa.

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Hello, Willa,

I have to choose my words carefully.

I can tell that you love your wife without reservations. She is your eternal soulmate. Your best friend. When two like this are married two souls become one. This is god's gift to man.

My wife was the literally the preacher's daughter. She was an organist. When we met all we had to do was look into each other's eyes, the windows to the soul, to know that we were meant for each other.

When I told her about my gender dysphoria her first reaction was to question her own femininity. 

"Am I not woman enough for you?" She asked.

"God yes you are!" I replied."Don't you ever think that you're not.

Perhaps your better half is having these same feelings of inadequacy. She needs reassurance from you. In her mind you are a reflection of her, as she is you, but now you see a different reflection and she isn't comfortable with that because she sees another woman, a rival, that threatens her relationship, bond, with you. 

I'd like to say that my own wife and I are still together. But we, sadly, are not. 

I don't wish that upon you and your spouse.

Do what ever you can to make what you have work. Compromise and respect each other's boundaries even if it means denying yourself. 

Because marriage, your promise to her,  is worth keeping.

Sometimes we don't get what we want. We get what we need. That has to be enough.

 

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I can relate to this reply. My wife is like the wife Donnie describes, but definitely not a preacher's daughter. However, whenever I try to broach the gender issues, her response is "I married a man," and the conversation ends. She does give me latitude with my femininity but God Forbid I broach wearing a dress, etc., it's a NO and the conversation ends. I want to keep my vows, but it's hard, and harder each day.

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36 minutes ago, Allison Meadows said:

I can relate to this reply. My wife is like the wife Donnie describes, but definitely not a preacher's daughter. However, whenever I try to broach the gender issues, her response is "I married a man," and the conversation ends. She does give me latitude with my femininity but God Forbid I broach wearing a dress, etc., it's a NO and the conversation ends. I want to keep my vows, but it's hard, and harder each day.

A dress is just a piece of clothing. It's not, in my opinion, woman's clothing if you buy it.  Then it's your clothing. What gender you put upon it is entirely up to you.

But I do understand you respecting set boundaries and rules.  Give it time. Rules change and boundaries broaden.

 

Be safe. Be smart.

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On 3/5/2020 at 9:57 PM, Willa said:

At the assembly of God church recognizes that there are transgender people but states that they should not change or transition in anyway but treated as a thorn in the flesh that should be overcome.

I just want to point out one thing here that always stuck me as contradictory with this belief.  To be honest, there was a time in my life when I believed this statement above was true.  Your wife undoubtedly believes this to be true because her church and her pastor believe it.  However, in most Christian faiths, it is stated that in one form or another we should do the following if we sin...

 

I confess to almighty God
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have greatly sinned,
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done and
in what I have failed to do,

 

So I’ve always wondered, how is it one is supposed to “overcome” these thoughts of ”sinful “ dysphoria, of the want to become yourself, wearing the opposite genders’ clothing?  There is no magic pill. There is no way to “overcome” that.

 

Back in my 20’s, my g/f and I attended a nondenominational Christian church.  We had a prayer team pray I would be delivered from my crossdressing.  I actually believed it was going to cure me..it failed for reasons that are obvious to me now but your wife and her pastor are completely unaware.  It’s is NOT something that can ever be removed spiritually or dealt with by suppression of thought.  You are who you are and nothing will ever change that.  You can alter your exterior even change the way you move, walk & talk but inside will always be you in your thoughts and desires.

 

On 3/5/2020 at 9:50 AM, Jackie C. said:

The "terrified someone will find out" is another big red flag for me. That says less about her concern for your mental health as it does for her perceived social status. To me, that's a strong mismatch in priorities. The people you love always come first. Always.

Perfectly stated, Jackie and imho...Your well-being should be your wife’s top priority regardless of her beliefs and her community.

 

I feel so sorry Willa.  It really hurts me to read about this.  No one should be treated this way.  This could have easily been me when I came out to my wife.  When I came out, I had envisioned a similar outcome but still had to do it...suppression was no longer a viable option.

 

I hope that with some breakthroughs with therapy and a little compassion from your wife, you can both make compromises that work for you both in the long term.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

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To add to Susan's excellent commentary, we all have to remember the admonition 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone.'

Within the teaching of the church, no one is sinless, ever.

Unfortunately in modern life it seems that many choose to elevate themselves above others by judging that their own sins are less heinous than those they accuse. I don't like how you sin, so you're a worse person than I am, they think.

TA

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Hello everyone!

I am so grateful for your responses.

Today I had to make a difficult decision To suspend my therapy sessions do to income concerns. I do not intend for this to be permanent but rather just a temporary hiatus.

thanks should start to improve financially in May when my wife starts receiving her retirement. She does not want to stop working but rather just cut back on hours. That will allow her to have a larger social life and pursue other interests. The difficulties stem from a misunderstanding by management about the reduction of hours for some reason they have already made the cut back which wasn’t supposed to happen until May. It seems that new people have been hired to take up the slack And soul gaining those hours back may not be possible. We did get a nice tax return and that will help us until Thanks improve.

 

There have been so many wonderful responses to my Please for help and advice. I have decided to go ahead and come out to my pastor when The opportunity comes. I won’t sit here and say that I have no trepidation about this but I am sure that this is what I need to do. I have listen carefully to what everyone here has said and I am encouraged by your words, thank you!

Michelle you’re a post I admit brought tears to my eyes as I read it I do so much appreciate the warmth and wisdom that you shared.

Someone suggested that my wife Go with me when I tell my pastor normally this would be something I think I would do that given the circumstances and her volatile attitude I think it unwise. I did Invite her to come to a therapy session with me which at first she agreed to but then decided not to go. She told me that the therapist was on my side and she would feel ganged up on if she went. When I saw my therapist I told him about what she said and he said yes sometimes people can feel like they were being ganged up on in a session like that. Perhaps one dayThere will be a situation where she feels that she had least has an equal part in the discussion.

 

So for the moment that is Where things stand.

 

We have not had one of our discussions Sense early last week.

I hope that it continues for sometime. I say that because I don’t want communication to Seasalt together but rather just be more sane.

well, the cat on my lap is asleep, the dog lying beside me is asleep, and I’m kind of thinking that it’s time for me to join them. So I’ll say goodbye for now take my progesterone and hope for dreams that I am myself.

I will keep in touch with you about how things are proceeding please continue to keep my wife and I in your thoughts and prayers.

 

God bless you and keep you each and every one.

Willa

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well hello!

 

Thought I’d make a quick note here and let everyone know where I was.

My pastor did not get in touch with me all last week about having coffee but this morning he reaffirmed that he wanted to have coffee with me and that he would get in touch with me this next week, so So perhaps this next week.

He told me that he’s been being careful about how much contact he was doing do you to the covid 19 virus also known as the coronavirus and that I can understand, it’s pretty virulent stuff.

Well the discussion that I had been expecting finally happened today and not as bad as Sam but bad enough. My wife told Me that she is having a crisis of faith because she is in relationship with a declared woman that is a transgender woman. she says that she doesn’t know whether God will except her Any more for being in such a relationship. I know that this is untrue but she struggling so hard with it that she can’t seem to see the truth. She’s thinking of herself as a lesbian and she feels that a simple so there it is. My God how do I deal with this and how do I help her?

 

I’m sorry to keep coming here and crying all over the place about my situation I just don’t have anywhere else to go.

 

Willa

Edited by Jani
correct a few voice to text words
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