Confused and hurting

[KathyLauren]

 Willa, please don’t apologize for talking about your worries here.  That is what we are here for.

 

It sounds like your wife has more need of talking to your pastor than you do.  I think your wife’s concerns are unfounded.  I don’t believe God judges people in that way, for things that they did not choose.  But that is her, and she is not the one asking for help here.

What affects you is that she is unloading her fears onto you, and that is not really fair.  She is making you responsible for her lack of faith.  I don’t think that is fair.  Although you are carrying the pain, her crisis of faith is hers to solve.

 

I hope that you and she can come to some kind of resolution that minimizes the pain for both of you.

 

Kathy

[Jani]

Willa I agree with Kathy that you are all right, yet your wife could use some counseling to help her come to grips with this situation.  Unfortunately she will deal with this in her own way it seems.  All my best to you both.  

 

Jani

[michelle_kitten]

Willa,

 

So sorry for your struggle.  You're in a tough place with your wife.  I am sorry.

 

You now have a tight rope to walk, and one which I do not envy.  I personally believe we are not only given the gift of freedom, but have a responsibility to exercise that gift as a sign of respect for the work done on the Cross.  We aren't intended to be enslaved again by artificial rules and boundaries the weak in faith use to maintain a safe-place against the realities and complexities of life.  I have never been one to fit the sweater-vest wearing plain vanilla Christian.  I've always pushed the limits, whether having friends unbelieving friends or maintaining a dialog with many people church-goes deem as dangerous.  I've had the passages about eating meat sacrificed to idols trotted out against me many times.

 

I have come to a few conclusions regarding those passages.  Generally, someone who uses these passages often do so as a last resort to win an argument against something they don't like.  Too often people use this passage in regard to mythological creatures.  That is to say, they create hypothetical weaker brethren who might stumble, where there are no actual people who have stumbled, and I call them out on this.  Third, they often feel superior for having called upon that argument as if they are the better Christian, while in reality, they show their weakness of faith.  If they have to conjure mythical creatures to control your behavior, it is they who are weak. When I offer to help them strengthen their faith, they are often offended at the notion. (I know, I am sassy. LOL)

 

In this case, I am afraid none of those failures in that line of argument apply.  I think in this case you are faced with a truly weaker sister, and you're going to have choose what course of action you are to take, and I think you need to chose carefully.  This does not, by any means, mean you have accept unfair or abusive treatment because of your sister's weakness.  This does not mean you have to allow her to use excuses to not grow both spiritually, and as a human being.  We still have the responsibility to stand for our freedom, and especially so when the things we need and desire are not sinful.

 

I don't know your wife, and therefore don't know the wisest approach to her.  What I do know is you've described her as unwilling to listen to your understanding of the Word.  That can't be allowed to stand.  That is willful ignorance and ignorance for the purpose of remaining weak in faith, feeling safe, comfortable, and content to cling to old fears where no fears should remain.  We have a responsibility as members of the body who are stronger in faith to edify that body, and not allow the weaker members to guide the course.  Were it not for those with the strength to stand against the weaker members we'd all be abstaining from ham and getting ourselves circumcised.

 

I would say the following to you:

 

Do not barter or negotiate with your freedoms. They are yours to exercise or not, and no one can demand that you give them up.  They are yours and it must be an act of your will to do the right thing or not.  If you decide you need to suspend them, do so out of a generous spirit as a gift for someone you love.

 

Do not allow a weaker member of the body to throw stumbling blocks in front of you or confine you with fences and boundaries not clearly stated in the Word.

 

Do be kind and as patient as possible.

 

Pray for wisdom to be clear minded to be able to see the difference between bad behaviors and the factors driving them and honest concerns.

 

You are well within your rights, and it is expected, you should be able to call on other members of the body to help you bear the burden of gender dysphoria.  If someone asks that you endure it, then they should be able to give you practical methods to help you do so, or at least try to help you find ways.  Do not allow the Word to be weaponized against you.  You are not its intended target, as a sword.  The gifts of the spirit were not bestowed upon us as hobbies.  Those gifts were given to build each other up and help us overcome our weaknesses. (I need to take my own advice on this one more often.)

 

Do be true to the Word, and fight as necessary to speak the truth.

 

Once again, I suspect there is reason for all of this, and I think in the end it will be clear.  I am just so sorry you have to go through all of this to get there.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

[Willa]

First of all: Thank-you Jenny for cleaning up the dictation mess, it is much appreciated!

Kathy Lauren thank you for your thoughts and my wife is not a member of the church where I go she attends the assembly of God and has let her pastor know about our situation. I wish there were words that I could say to her that will soothe the very deep hurt that she feels. I hope that one day there will be a resolution that will bring the kind of healing that we both need. Again Kathy Lauren thank you so much for your thoughts they were well spoken.

 

Willa

[Willa]

Hello everybody!

 

I’m afraid my meet for coffee with my pastor is not going to occur do to the coronavirus situation. Right now he’s only making emergency visitations. So unless I get some other chance it will be a while before I’ll be able to sit down and talk with him.

 

I want to take just a moment and explain a couple of things about my wife. If you recall in my first post I mentioned that she had some general anxiety issues these can sometimes become severe resulting in panic attacks some of you who experience this type of anxiety will probably understand this. Taking her deep distrust of the medical profession it is difficult to get her in for some kind of treatment. In addition to this she comes from a severely broken home in which her mother left her leaving her at a young age to become the lady of the house caring For her two younger sisters, cleaning house, preparing meals, and seeing to it that everything ran as smoothly as possible. Her father of course helped as much as he could but working a full-time job meant that he wasn’t always there so she had to do all of this And go to school too. I believe that this is resulted in her having control issues, meaning that she feels that in order for things to be safe and orderly she must be able to Be in control if she isn’t then she blames herself and feels like a failure. I am saying this in order for you to understand where my wife is coming from, my coming out to her Last year really messed things up for her in spite of the fact it’s something I have to do. I could no longer keep this buried inside me I was already at the brink of suicide when I decided to get help which resulted in the diagnosis of gender dysphoria and eventually starting HRT.

 

my wife has a steadfast Faith and has a good grounding in biblical studies with the leader ship of the spirit it is my prayer that one day She will come to see things as they should be not as she has been taught. She is presently struggling up the same rocky path that I did some years ago. 
 

well Irish expected and unfavorable response to my coming out I did not conceive how ugly it would become. I guess it was naïve of me to expect a more reasonable response Given that I had just ripped away a large part of her security.

 

There’s much more I could say but much of it would be just repetition.

 

I have read a stories of folks who upon revealing The fact that they are transgender to their spouses have met with the same blowback that I received. So I understand that I am not alone in this kind of response from my wife and nevertheless it still hurts and it is still confusing when I experienced the lack of love and trust that I have always known the entirety of our marriage.

 

Please pray with me for a good and wholesome resolution to the coronavirus pandemic And that things will return to normal as quickly as possible.

I will keep everyone apprised of developments with my wife as they occur.

 

Thank you for the warmth and love that you’ve shown me here in this thread I cannot begin to express what it has meant to me.

 

Take care, be well, and stay safe.

May God bless you!

Willa