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Allison Meadows

Androgynous with a hint?

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Allison Meadows

Forever it seems, I have dealt with the desire to be me, yet living with the current reality that personally and professionally I must wear the uniform. As background, I have worn panties forever and always have wondered if anyone notices, even at the gym, where I wear plain VS cotton ones. 

 

In the past year (and off and on before that), I have begun being just a hint more open. My toes are always painted, albeit a neutral but definitely not clear color. No one seems to have noticed. My fingers, when I can, are polished with a hint of pink (Essie Mademoiselle). In addition, my business casual pants are all Lee khakis and jeans, which don't have the male style pockets, but have pockets in the same places. When possible, I have begun wearing bras under sweaters or heavier clothes, afraid to wear them under a traditional dress shirt. The feeling is liberating, but also a bit scary.

 

Holding prominent positions in my profession and in community, the insistent need to be me conflicts with the fear of revelation, yet at times there are some in my life whom I wish would notice (or do they?) and quietly ask a few questions - to be a sounding board, a confidante, etc.

 

My desired next step would be to wear a woman's dress shirt, the same style as a man's but with the buttons proper for a woman and perhaps darts. Has anyone done this, felt this need (or compulsion) as well as the desire for someone you trust to say something?

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A. Dillon
1 hour ago, Allison Meadows said:

My desired next step would be to wear a woman's dress shirt, the same style as a man's but with the buttons proper for a woman and perhaps darts.

I feel this so much, in the opposite direction. As soon as I realized that men's shirts were buttoned differently than women's, I bought like 7 men's button downs just so I could have that one little thing. My dad would ask why, tell me that I was not supposed to, but knowing that this was for a man specifically helped a whole lot. 

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Allison Meadows

Of course, no one ever questions when a woman wears a man's shirt or other clothes, but God forbid a man wears a woman's, there's a siren. But for us, both ways, it's an odd feeling of comfort to wear things of the "proper" gender.

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tracy_j

With shirts, as I like sewing, one of my first moves was to re-style a mens shirt. Many womens are not that different to some mens and  mens styled shirts are available even if the styling is a bit different. If you look closely at many womens shirts you will see that, when fastened, the siding of the buttons is far less obvious. Another thing I noticed with a former transphobic friend was that he did not notice, when selecting a shirt for an occasion from a few he had been given, that a particular shirt was a womans from the button siding. Obviously he would have on putting it on but it makes me wonder (with stereotypical mens not observing detail) whether many would even notice. Women tend to be very much more observant though. There are times when I am still effectively male (normally fairly formal occasions - family weddings, funerals etc), but still wears womens shirts. I think the family pretty much know now but (luckily) I have had few issues.

 

Obviously it depends on your actual prominent position and also your local situation. Personally I found few issues but I worked in healthcare which tends be be fairly accepting. My position was fairly prominent, but I had got to a point where being more open was the way to go.

 

Tracy

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ShawnaLeigh
19 hours ago, Allison Meadows said:

Of course, no one ever questions when a woman wears a man's shirt or other clothes, but God forbid a man wears a woman's, there's a siren. But for us, both ways, it's an odd feeling of comfort to wear things of the "proper" gender.

So very true.  Though in certain settings, others I have honestly not been looked at funny nor asked one time about my choice of clothing.

I have been wearing the appropriate under clothing and bras for years but the bras more so in winter as I can add a sweat shirt over my T-shirt when I worked in factory maintenance technicians field.  Now that I work in hospitals it is more business casual and I wear the same undies and bras (ok newer stuff) with women socks and Dansko clogs.  My pants have been men's as well but more a "skinny jean" or slim style not straight leg or relaxed fit any longer.  I have been wearing women's polo shirts under my men's 1/4 zip sweaters however I plan to still wear these during winter as I feel a lot of clothing is gender neutral.  I'm am trying hard to not get all hung up on it needing to "say" women's or men's clothing, just that it looks good on me. 

 

I may be starting my "full time" next Monday so this will all change to full female attire.  LOL

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Allison Meadows

I find most people are oblivious, don't care. I have always worn plain panties, but clearly panties, to the gym, no one paid attention, nor noticed or said anything about my toes, which are neutrally colored, but definitely not clear. And yes, sweaters hide everything, but not always bumps that most don't think twice about. It's just somehow self-affirming that I am wearing some clothes appropriate for my true gender, particularly bras. Can't explain why that matters so, but it does.

 

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Leah

Because they feel good? That's my take, anyhow....

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Allison Meadows

I would say they feel "right," or "normal," not "forced" like guy stuff.

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TammyAnne

You're more or less talking my language here, Allison! I am aiming for that middle ground slightly tilted towards female. I've been wearing bikini panties for years, have worn women's jeans off and on for years, loose flowy tops and tees.

But I'm not fashion plate... more frumpy than anything.

Yes, it just feels "right" so that's how I go.

TA

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Allison Meadows

Another thing I find myself doing is shopping for clothes for my wife, but styles that she and I can wear, whether it's a T-shirt, panties or other items, and buying matching items. While she hasn't embraced Allison, it's a way I try to bring things out. She finds it "cute" when we have matching items on. 

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Allison Meadows

Little things, little steps, another day at the office with a sweater and a bra underneath. Although not padded, my top has small bumps reminiscent of girls when they begin to emerge. The world may not notice, but I do, and it's so exciting. Little steps...

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TammyAnne
9 hours ago, Allison Meadows said:

Little things, little steps, another day at the office with a sweater and a bra underneath. Although not padded, my top has small bumps reminiscent of girls when they begin to emerge. The world may not notice, but I do, and it's so exciting. Little steps...

Steps are good!

Feeling good about yourself is even better.

TA

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Alex C

Yeah I haven't had men cloths for years. I start CD full time 3yrs ago and trans now 2yr. The clothes do make me feel very girly. I don't wear much skirts( but that, will change this yr) but when I am at the gym its sports bra and yoga pants, bra and panties slinky jeans with a tight t to work, usually a cute top ,tight jeans or daisy Dukes with heels when I go out with friends or to bar. My only flaw is that I have  to wear a wig (cuz I am bald) and dark foundation ( to cover my 5oclock).However, I remember when I was young how I secretly  would wear black stocking,  panties and unpadded bras under my sweater or jacket and it was so exciting. I think the more normal you make it the less stressful it will be. Be safe, Stay Proud and Kick Ass

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Astrid
46 minutes ago, Alex C said:

I think the more normal you make it the less stressful it will be

Yup -- that's spot-on for me, too.  And that's as it should be.  Each new change started out being stressful, but fairly quickly became the new normal.  And that, in turn, has taught be to be less stressed about recent changes (like wearing barrettes most of the time now, and to any occasion, rather than the hair tie I used to sport all the time).

 

Astrid

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Alex C

Hey Astrid if you can be proud now when yr young. I can only tell its gets super hard as you get older. If your not sure then maybe see GT or school consular, But the younger you decide to come out or not the better it will be. FYI Barrettes are so in right now, love then

 

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ShawnaLeigh
8 hours ago, Alex C said:

Hey Astrid if you can be proud now when yr young. I can only tell its gets super hard as you get older. If your not sure then maybe see GT or school consular, But the younger you decide to come out or not the better it will be. FYI Barrettes are so in right now, love then

 

Yea @Astrid is way older then you.  Just FYI @Alex C hehehe.

Sorry Astrid just had to say it.

Love you girl.

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Allison Meadows
8 hours ago, Alex C said:

Hey Astrid if you can be proud now when yr young. I can only tell its gets super hard as you get older. If your not sure then maybe see GT or school consular, But the younger you decide to come out or not the better it will be. FYI Barrettes are so in right now, love then

 

So true, everything gets exponentially more difficult as you age, including the ingrained fears that grow exponentially, making every step feel like it begins with your feet in concrete.

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Astrid
42 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Yea @Astrid is way older then you.  Just FYI @Alex C hehehe.

Sorry Astrid just had to say it.

Love you girl.

Yes. I waited until retirement to come out. I don't rush things, but the cumulative effect of 2 1/2 years of gradual change is amazing to me. Hair. Fashion choices. HRT. What I read. It all adds up to making it easier to keep the Dysphoria Beast at bay nowadays. 

 

Astrid 

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Alex C

Actually no that wrong. You will always Dysphoria. Cis people have it and their normal. its just amplifies its more with trans. I been on HRT for 2years still wake up and think to myself " God I still look like a dude!" and I sea of depression will enter me. Which sometimes will last for hrs. I am getting better at and their Trigger words that help me fight it, but no it will never goo away. wish to God it would. Sorry

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Alex C

oh and drugs and Alcohol don't not help it just make's it worse

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